Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
So i took that test i have been talking about forever, and won't know the results until after Easter. That's cool - i'm a little bit impatient, but since i have no clue how i did on it, i have no expectations, merely hopes.
i'm continuing to work at the dead-end job i have been working for a while now, and it pays the bills (doesn't fix the car though), and planning on a vastly different future as soon as possible.
The problem has become a plethora of opportunities, which i have always despised because i'm very, very wishy-washy. (Indecisive, easily swayed by current thoughts) And so what has happened is that my future doesn't look quite the same as it did a few weeks ago.
I have been allowed to add a part time job to what i already do, one which is with an entirely different population i was targeting before now, and i'm unsure of my desire to work with this population. This job is planned to lead into a more professional one, which is what my goal is. Since i have homeschooled for 16+ years, it's been quite difficult in my rural community to find a professional part time job that wasn't too demanding with my kids needs. Now, my youngest is one year away from graduating, and wants me to "go for it" - quite encouraging, and very responsible and willing to handle her last year of schooling (frankly, all we do then is college prep stuff, writing papers and reviewing concepts more than actual teaching) as long as i am there to help with college applications and visits and things like that. So, that's why this year is my year to start a new career.
I've always thought i'd be teaching though. So i have pursued that, and i do understand that it may take more than i have been told (even the certification department in our state dept of education has given me different stories about what i would be required to do), and that lack of knowledge is making me crazy - lol.
i told the new employer that i have been pursuing teaching and she is QUITE encouraging about it, and frankly, it may work out anyway. She's very flexible, and i could work on my certification (if i have to do more than i think, although i honestly believe i could get a job teaching SPED if i simply pass the Praxis, and work on other things while working, if necessary - school districts are desperate for SPED teachers, even if they are laying off other types of teachers, because of No Child Left Behind and the stringent mandates for teachers who teach a subject actually being *certified* in that subject) while i work for her as well.
And i also have applied for a couple of other professional jobs as well, things that don't pay as well as they should, but better than i make now, and the hours would be far better as well. Working conditions too, for the most part, but any time one gets into any kind of behavior management situations, one ends up dealing with folks with behavior problems and that can be messy at times.
So. i guess i wonder if i am crazy for looking outside what i have always considered my "dream job" in any way, or if i should remain single-minded towards the one goal i have always had. i'm thinking of this as the opportunity to explore new ideas and possibilities, and this particular job has some wonderful aspects to it. As i said, the boss is very flexible and understanding and willing to work around needs and plans. It's locally owned, and while it is a corporation, the board members are all local as well. The clientele are local too. So there wouldn't be the hassle involved with larger corporations such as Wal Mart or where i work now. Far more relaxed in a lot of ways, which is a very good thing, although of course the clients come first and the work is done before "play". It's the atmosphere that is appealing at the moment, i have to say.
And, quite frankly, i have thought about a different option even within the realm of being educator, one that pays more than working in a school system....enough more to offset the 12 months as opposed to 10 months in a school system (if money is my object, which of course i am not totally sure of yet, since i've never had any and i dunno just how much is "enough" for me).
So i am either crazy, or totally confused, or maybe being wise. Exploring options is good, right? This is EXACTLY why i had such a hard time declaring a major in college - i didn't know what i wanted to do THEN, and i STILL don't, obviously.
i guess, for me, it isn't as much about what i will be doing, as being respected for who i am, what i know, what i do, and not looked over as the invisible woman who (insert my job title here). i want to enjoy my job, my coworkers, my working environment, and those i am responsible for caring for, teaching, etc. i want a positive atmosphere, not a repressive one. i want to work in an environment of acceptance and encouragement, rather than constant stress and struggle. i know stress is part of life, and indeed of any job we have, but there are some jobs where the stress levels are far lower than others, as i'm sure we all know as well.
So now You know one reason i am so deeply grateful for Padrone and his guidance. He *is* objective in this because he sees from the outside looking in. He can look at all the possibilities that i tell him about, and see flaws or potential for negative things far easier than i can. i tend to look at the rosy side of things, and of course, the grass is always greener and all that. If i'm in a negative situation and i see one that even "seems" more positive, i am ready to jump in with both feet - lol!
And so now to the part you've all been waiting for - how all that craziness relates to our relationship!
That's far more difficult to explain, actually. It makes me depend on Padrone and his insights more than usual, that's for sure. It's hard to accept if he sees things differently than i do, but i never doubt his perspective. i usually end up thinking about what he said in terms of what i know (since he only knows what i tell him, he may not always have as full a picture as i do, even thought i always try hard to give him all the information i have regarding anything needing a decision), and either realizing that i had forgotten to tell him something, or that he does have the right perspective and that it is simply emotions that make it hard to accept. It does involve a great deal of submission, in a lot of ways, because it simply is hard to give that kind of control to someone else. If he told me not to take a job, i wouldn't. i actually did call to turn down the part time job i am now taking (it was initially offered as full time and immediate, and i couldn't do that in such a new field for me, and also not without giving notice - AND the progression into professional wasn't clearly laid out either, so i wasn't allowed to leave one dead-end job for another). When i called to turn it down, i was given this new information, talked with Padrone again, and he is allowing me to try it part time. So he is also quite flexible if new information comes up as well.
i know, i'm skirting the hard stuff.
All this mentally takes me away from my focus in some ways, even though it enhances and sharpens it in many others. i find myself distracted at times, like this morning when it took all my submission to focus on him even the small amout he required. i guess that was because it was a constant...awareness, more than action. It was just that i hoped to talk about ... all this i guess, the doubts, the wonderings...and he didn't allow that opportunity. Part of it is the time constraints presently on us. Maybe i'm simply struggling against them for now, i don't know. Tonight his time changes and we're back to 7 hours difference, which means another schedule adjustment after two weeks of a temporary routine.
And now i sound as if i am complaining. i don't mean to at all, i guess i'm just trying to give an accurate reflection of some of the difficulties of living so far apart and having a "real" D/s relationship. There are times it is so hard to submit, and sometimes the act of submitting leads to feelings of submission, and other times it doesn't. It just is what it is. Sometimes it is hard to feel as if i am taken seriously when i have a fake cock in my ass while we're talking. Sometimes being interrupted to be reminded of an instruction is frustrating. Sometimes it's simply hard. Period.
But i couldn't live any other way. i will always be submissive, i always have been and couldn't change now even if i wanted to. It's not always easy. Sometimes it's a lot harder than at other times. And i know that i am not the easiest person to get along with, much less to own. i can be rebellious at times, even if i don't express it overtly.
i guess i said that to say that, even in times when my life is nowhere near on any certain path other than as Padrone's slave, i will forever be that. Padrone, i have never felt so sure of anything as i am of that one fact. So even when it's hard, even when i don't get just what i want, or give just what i want to give, or say or do or express just what i want...i am Yours. We are so alike in our thoughts so much of the time, the way we look at things (i've learned a lot from You, Padrone) is so similar, that it is sometimes hard to take when You view things differently. Especially when You're right.
And i am such a wimp when it comes to saying "no", and i am so grateful for Your stance on that as well, Padrone.
i wish i had a clear path to the future. i wish i knew which way to go, where i would be a year from now, even 6 months from now. That uncertainty is really wearing on me, i guess, Padrone, and i am really, really sorry that it affects You through my service. i will try hard to minimize the effects while we are together, even if it all jumbles up again the moment we leave!
Thank You for Your focus and guidance and wisdom and thoughtful perspective on everything to do with my life, Padrone. i have needed You so much that i feel sometimes as if i am the one using You! *teasing* You are so wonderful to me, and for me, and i can never tell You just how happy, how simply content, i am as Yours. i love You, my Padrone, now and forever.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
And i honestly have no idea how i did on the test. i felt quite good when i left the room, but the questions were so subjective, that i began second guessing myself almost immediately. But i did my best, and that is all i can do. If i failed it, i will take it again, and study more and differently and with a bit of experience under my belt. That may help, who knows?
Anyway, at this stage there is nothing to do but wait and see. i did my best, and that is all i can control. Believe it or not, i'm not even anxious about it, although i know it will be in the back of my mind until i hear the results. It will probably pop up in most conversations - lol.
Friday morning i expressed, rather blatantly, a need to be humiliated. That still sounds strange when i say that about myself, but frankly i believe i needed to be put "in my place" - humiliation allows me to express the doubts, the insecurities, the self-loathing i experience as a result of my past, but in a safe way. It's kind of strange, and it took us a long time, maybe too long, to get there, but it most definitely helps to purge the most negative of negative emotions. It took a long time for me to really understand my need for humiliation, but now i think i do. That understanding has freed me to express that need a bit more often and without the burning shame i used to feel when i would in essence, ask to be treated like shit.
But the point is that i feel that i deserve it sometimes, simply because old thoughts and emotions aren't going to go away. When i feel that i deserve to be treated badly, i ask (in my own way) for Padrone to humiliate me, so that i can safely feel the emotions i have no choice but to feel, and they can be defused and their effects controlled rather than controlling me. i'm not sure if that makes sense or not, and it isn't the only reason i need humiliation, by any means. But it is a powerful one, and a much-needed one, but sometimes i just need it for no obvious reason. It's kind of like talking dirty during sex. It enhances emotions that aren't definable, and makes the sex even more intense. Or it does for me at least, and that's the other dynamic of humiliation. It simply makes the M/s dynamic more intense, as well as meeting a very personal, strong, need as well.
But that's also how i came to crave pain and suffering. It began as a way of purging my heart and mind of negative emotions, and the gratitude i felt for the erasing of the thoughts, at least temporarily, was overwhelming.
Now, pain and suffering is a way to show so much more than that. Of course, there is the "i will prove what i will do for You" aspect, and the "do more so i can show You more how much i am Yours" aspect. But recently it has come to mind that it is more an expression of powerlessness, of release of all power and authority, allowing me to become totally mindless, will-less, and to float on and in HIS will and desires for as long as he needs, wants, or even wishes to hold me there. Even now, thinking about it, the need to pour all the stress, the unwanted worry and emotions, out...only to be filled with the physical expression of all of those things...pain, suffering, agony....but physical rather than emotional....and if there is sexual release by either or both of us...the overwhelming relief, release, gratitude (not strictly the right word but so hard to define) for the opportunity to let life go for a while, even when i don't need it or even want it...all i can say is i am so grateful that Padrone, who didn't consider himself much of a sadist when we met, has learned to love my pain and suffering for his own reasons!
i do realize that what i experience is different in so many ways than what others experience, if only because of the distance involved here. That doesn't make the pain any less real (maybe less intense, since i'm not self-destructive, and can't make the cane land but *so* hard, no matter how i try), nor does it make it any less effective. Let's face it, tiger balm coated toy in my ass is going to hurt, badly, and for a long time...and that pain can, and is, manipulated for his pleasure, every time he wants it. That's what it is all about, or for us at least.
But the humiliation i went through on Friday morning was so needed. i am quivering inside even now, thinking of it and how much pressure it eased from my mind, just before the test. *i* see NOW that the test was probably the reason i needed it so badly, because of all the doubts and fears and old demons rearing their ugly heads, along with new thoughts that i simply am ignoring in hopes that they'll go away. Well, i don't really believe they will, i just don't want to deal with them right now, so i'm not. i do know that's emotionally dangerous, but when i feel able to work through them, i will, unless it's forced on me in the meantime.
Padrone, i am so looking forward to suffering for You. my body is tingling with the need for pain, for fire, for lashes, for bruises. And i bought fresh ginger at the grocery store, just so You know!
Padrone, i sincerely hope that circumstances free time for us to spend focused solely on our M/s dynamic, very, very soon. i am so Yours, and i feel that i haven't shown You how deeply surrendered i am to You very well lately. i know You know it, and that it hasn't affected our relationship, but it feels so good to reiterate it, reinforcing our dynamic, and our love as well. i am so Yours, my wonderful and patient and wise Padrone. Grazie.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
i am just about as ready for this test as i will ever be, and i am tired of waiting for the day to arrive.
i spent an unexpected day off today driving 1.5 hours to take son to the doctor, then waiting at Wal Mart for prescriptions, taking him to his girlfriend's place, then 1.5 hours home. i'm tired. i'm sleepy. All i want to do is take a long hot bath and soak for an hour with a book, then crawl in bed and sleep for a long, long time.
What i have been doing, and what i will do for a while longer tonight, is study study study.
This one is short, i just didn't want to get behind on my posting again, and i also needed a break and this was a good one.
i will type more when i can breathe again.
Padrone, thank You for the patience, for the opportunity to serve and please You, and for understanding that this will be all over except the waiting for scores, in just a few short days. Saturday afternoon i will be one exhausted, relieved slave. i know You will be glad of that!
Friday, March 05, 2010
So much going on internally, at the worst possible moment in my life.
What else could i expect?
Some things i won't talk about, but i'm so stressed with life in general right now - so much going on, especially things i thought would and should be fixed by now (like my car...i need an entire engine for it, *if* i can find one i can actually afford, which is a big *if* indeed). This test is one i am feeling less and less prepared for, the more i study for it, and that is upsetting to me as well. The problem with that is that there are so few study guides out there, so little practical and applicable information for the particular test i am taking. And so i feel as if i am flying blind here, and it has been 20+ years since i graduated college. The terminology is really pissing me off because even if i know what to do or how to handle things, i don't know what the educational system now calls what i would do. So anyway, add to that the fact that i am about to go off the deep end emotionally - some kind of crisis brewing that i am trying desperately to hold at bay until after my test (i take it a week from tomorrow, so please, please let me hang in there until then) - and so i'm a mess all the way around.
i need a vacation from myself.
i hope the more spring like weather we're having lately will help. The daffodils actually peeked yesterday, which is about 4-5 weeks later than normal around here. But if the weather stays the way it is now for a bit, color will explode very, very soon, and i'll get out in my yard and plant a few things myself. i'll probably plant more tomatoes and pepper plants (deer food more than people food as they got to it before they even ripened last year!). And of course flowers. The bulbs will come back on their own, of course, but i'll plant periwinkles, dianthus, zinnias, and other hardy and not-too-demanding flowers. i'll also sprinkle wildflower seeds in another bed like i did last year, although it was my first year to do so and they didn't do well. Trust *me* to not be able to grow wildflowers even - lol.
And i am going to buy some new rose bushes. i am looking for one called sterling silver. It is a pale lavender colored rose, not that beautiful, but the aroma is heavenly...and i want it because it reminds me of my Granny. It was her favorite rose of all, maybe because it reminded her of me....not much to look at, rather unassuming in general, slow to draw out to growth, but quite pleasing if one can look beyond the outer enough to find some little thing that captures enough interest to get a little closer - the reward is greater than it would seem when looking at what is seen with the eyes.
Yep, i can turn most anything into something about ME. Maybe that's part of what is bothering me about myself right now. i use the word *i* so often it isn't even funny. We all do i know, but it seems as if my self-centeredness has gotten more pronounced lately. Maybe there is no choice, with all that has been going on here lately. i don't know.
Every now and then i reach the point of ... well, needing to recharge my batteries. It isn't as if i feel that i have given so much that i have nothing left to give, it is more that i am simply so stressed and stretched to my limit that i feel as if i am going to break, or break down (again) at any moment. i don't like being in this place, which compounds the problem, and i hate that i am not giving Padrone all HE needs, which compounds it exponentially.
i am literally simply trying to hang in until this test is over. i will probably have a major meltdown then, crying and feeling sorry for myself and hopefully letting tears wash all the crappy emotions away and strengthening the good stuff inside. Of course, by tomorrow i may be fine once again and all this would be pure bs - lol.
But i have to say that Padrone is simply wonderful, even though i know he gets tired of my unintentional drama, and wants to simply put his foot down now and then and say "enough. my turn". Yes, he has that right, and i have no doubts that he would do it if he thought i was capable of handling that right now. But i'm on such an emotional precipice at the moment that even *thinking* of something difficult or something that demands anything at all of me other than simple "hear and obey" is enough to make me panic and tears spring to my eyes.
But you know what? i am STILL a good slave, even if i can't handle much of what my slavery entails at this point. i still please and serve as best i can and obey as best i can right now, and that is all Padrone has ever asked of me as his slave. He expects me to take care of myself, emotionally as well as physically, as best i can. He knows that i give as much as i can, as often as i can, so when i tell him i can't give any more, he realizes that i am at a place of difficulties of some sort...mainly because i rarely admit to not being able to handle things, or say "i can't" to something he wants of me. When i reach that place, though, it doesn't mean i am a bad slave simply because i have to take a step back and regroup before giving anything more. It means that i'm taking care of myself, and any detriment to my slavery is temporary, as temporary as i can make it, frankly.
So right now, i'm at a fragile place emotionally. i am strong, stronger than i imagined. But even strong people have their breaking points. i'm just about there, but hanging on.
Padrone, i can't apologize enough for not giving what You need from me in the way You need it. i love You, and want Your pleasure more than anything in this world, and i know You understand that - maybe even better than i do. i am deeply grateful for Your care, Your patience, and Your support....saying the things You said last night, letting me know that i am not in this alone, it really isn't all for me, it IS for us...listening to my whining and complaining, and understanding that venting is accomplishing far more than simply bitching right now.... so much You do for me, so many ways You take care of me, ways that i never even dreamed until lately.
One day, i will be able to take care of You, to show You just how much You mean to me, Padrone. For now, my tears - of joy and gratitude and frustration that i can't give more - that happen to fall so frequently now, will have to suffice. And yes, they're falling even now.