Can i call time out for a while?

Time OUT!

So much going on internally, at the worst possible moment in my life.

What else could i expect?

Some things i won't talk about, but i'm so stressed with life in general right now - so much going on, especially things i thought would and should be fixed by now (like my car...i need an entire engine for it, *if* i can find one i can actually afford, which is a big *if* indeed). This test is one i am feeling less and less prepared for, the more i study for it, and that is upsetting to me as well. The problem with that is that there are so few study guides out there, so little practical and applicable information for the particular test i am taking. And so i feel as if i am flying blind here, and it has been 20+ years since i graduated college. The terminology is really pissing me off because even if i know what to do or how to handle things, i don't know what the educational system now calls what i would do. So anyway, add to that the fact that i am about to go off the deep end emotionally - some kind of crisis brewing that i am trying desperately to hold at bay until after my test (i take it a week from tomorrow, so please, please let me hang in there until then) - and so i'm a mess all the way around.

i need a vacation from myself.

i hope the more spring like weather we're having lately will help. The daffodils actually peeked yesterday, which is about 4-5 weeks later than normal around here. But if the weather stays the way it is now for a bit, color will explode very, very soon, and i'll get out in my yard and plant a few things myself. i'll probably plant more tomatoes and pepper plants (deer food more than people food as they got to it before they even ripened last year!). And of course flowers. The bulbs will come back on their own, of course, but i'll plant periwinkles, dianthus, zinnias, and other hardy and not-too-demanding flowers. i'll also sprinkle wildflower seeds in another bed like i did last year, although it was my first year to do so and they didn't do well. Trust *me* to not be able to grow wildflowers even - lol.

And i am going to buy some new rose bushes. i am looking for one called sterling silver. It is a pale lavender colored rose, not that beautiful, but the aroma is heavenly...and i want it because it reminds me of my Granny. It was her favorite rose of all, maybe because it reminded her of me....not much to look at, rather unassuming in general, slow to draw out to growth, but quite pleasing if one can look beyond the outer enough to find some little thing that captures enough interest to get a little closer - the reward is greater than it would seem when looking at what is seen with the eyes.

Yep, i can turn most anything into something about ME. Maybe that's part of what is bothering me about myself right now. i use the word *i* so often it isn't even funny. We all do i know, but it seems as if my self-centeredness has gotten more pronounced lately. Maybe there is no choice, with all that has been going on here lately. i don't know.

Every now and then i reach the point of ... well, needing to recharge my batteries. It isn't as if i feel that i have given so much that i have nothing left to give, it is more that i am simply so stressed and stretched to my limit that i feel as if i am going to break, or break down (again) at any moment. i don't like being in this place, which compounds the problem, and i hate that i am not giving Padrone all HE needs, which compounds it exponentially.

i am literally simply trying to hang in until this test is over. i will probably have a major meltdown then, crying and feeling sorry for myself and hopefully letting tears wash all the crappy emotions away and strengthening the good stuff inside. Of course, by tomorrow i may be fine once again and all this would be pure bs - lol.

But i have to say that Padrone is simply wonderful, even though i know he gets tired of my unintentional drama, and wants to simply put his foot down now and then and say "enough. my turn". Yes, he has that right, and i have no doubts that he would do it if he thought i was capable of handling that right now. But i'm on such an emotional precipice at the moment that even *thinking* of something difficult or something that demands anything at all of me other than simple "hear and obey" is enough to make me panic and tears spring to my eyes.

But you know what? i am STILL a good slave, even if i can't handle much of what my slavery entails at this point. i still please and serve as best i can and obey as best i can right now, and that is all Padrone has ever asked of me as his slave. He expects me to take care of myself, emotionally as well as physically, as best i can. He knows that i give as much as i can, as often as i can, so when i tell him i can't give any more, he realizes that i am at a place of difficulties of some sort...mainly because i rarely admit to not being able to handle things, or say "i can't" to something he wants of me. When i reach that place, though, it doesn't mean i am a bad slave simply because i have to take a step back and regroup before giving anything more. It means that i'm taking care of myself, and any detriment to my slavery is temporary, as temporary as i can make it, frankly.

So right now, i'm at a fragile place emotionally. i am strong, stronger than i imagined. But even strong people have their breaking points. i'm just about there, but hanging on.

Padrone, i can't apologize enough for not giving what You need from me in the way You need it. i love You, and want Your pleasure more than anything in this world, and i know You understand that - maybe even better than i do. i am deeply grateful for Your care, Your patience, and Your support....saying the things You said last night, letting me know that i am not in this alone, it really isn't all for me, it IS for us...listening to my whining and complaining, and understanding that venting is accomplishing far more than simply bitching right now.... so much You do for me, so many ways You take care of me, ways that i never even dreamed until lately.

One day, i will be able to take care of You, to show You just how much You mean to me, Padrone. For now, my tears - of joy and gratitude and frustration that i can't give more - that happen to fall so frequently now, will have to suffice. And yes, they're falling even now.