Monday, April 25, 2011

In Search of Treasure (or a job, same difference at this point)

So I have been job hunting again. I'm once more looking for a teaching position in Special Education, but this year I am far more prepared than I ever have been before. That's most definitely a good thing since I have put in long hours, much effort, and a few tears in order to be that prepared!

I went to the local school district office today. I had mailed applications all over the place in neighboring counties and within a strict, but doable, driving distance. But somehow I had neglected to apply locally. One reason is that I don't do political types of games, and I happen to know several teachers here and I don't want to get involved in "taking sides" or even in plain old gossip sessions. I may like you, but I won't gossip with you.

Anyway, when I went in, one of the women at the front desk was a friend of mine. Actually I wouldn't classify us as friends but as more than acquaintances, since we spent many long hours at the ball fields together when her girls and mine, and her son and mine, all played ball in the same leagues. I congratulated her on her daughter's behalf for earning academic honors, and then gave her the application packet I had put together. She asked if I had spoken with the SPED director for our county schools, and recommended that I take the same packet to her. So I thanked her nicely and sincerely and drove straight over there.

Not sure how much of an impression I gave wearing shorts, sandals, and a t shirt, but at least the t shirt is one of my alma mater which happens to be a prestigious school in our neck of the woods! I honestly didn't expect her to be in her office, so I was very surprised when her secretary said to go on back.

I handed her my packet and listed what was included. She looked over it all quickly and told me to call the principals of two of our schools, and make appointments to see them as soon as possible. I was excited, and thanked her, and then I just happened to ask if she could think of anything that I might want to include in my packet for them. So she gave me some very good suggestions, one of which was to discuss things that have worked for me in the classroom in terms of management. That really made me feel good because it was a direct reference to my one week in the classroom back in the fall where I took a class of 5 unruly boys and had them behaving within a couple of days...and not only behaving but enjoying themselves and each other!

I impressed her, and she let me know it, and that has me floating at the moment. As if you couldn't tell!

Anyway, right now I am waiting for return calls from principals (or their secretaries, I'm not picky) to set up appointments. I am going to print off lesson plans that I have created for class assignments which will show that I do know how to write them using the DOE Frameworks for our state. I am going to print of resumes and Praxis score reports, since I gave her my last copy of each of them. And I am going to get an email address for each of them if I can and send a link to my website that Padrone built for me which includes my philosophy of education, classroom management plan, sample letters to parents, etc. I will also print some of that off, probably a condensed version of my philosophy of education.

I'm realistically excited about this, frankly. I understand that these openings do not mean that I have a job, by ANY means! But what it *does* mean is that the timing is right for getting my applications in, for getting my name known in whatever school district I may be applying for. Now is the time that the districts are learning about openings, and are aggressively working to fill them. And this year, I am ready...qualified, eager to learn more as evidenced by my continuing in school, and available. And I have not procrastinated and sabotaged myself out of consideration.

Padrone, thank you for allowing me to continue in school even after last summer's major stress. It is benefiting me in practical ways now, since the lesson plans I did last semester will be the ones I print and provide as examples of my ability to write them. I made As, so I know they are good!

Padrone, I am excited...not totally because of this specific potential, but more because of the combination of things that have taught me that I am ready to teach. I am not simply hopeful, but I am ready. Emotionally, intellectually, mentally....I am ready in all the ethereal ways, not simply in the practical ways. But believe it or not I am also ready there as well!

Thank you, my Love. Thank you for supporting, encouraging, and bugging me when I didn't want to think about doing anything anymore. Padrone, the day I sign my contract, you will likely be able to hear me yell all the way across the ocean! And I truly, honestly, believe that it is going to happen this year.

I am going to hush this now, and stem the flow of words for once. I love you, Padrone. I simply, totally, gratefully love you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Mighty Morphin' Power....Relationship?

For those of you who may not have a clue what the Power Rangers are, or their show "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers!", my apologies for the incomprehensible title.

For those who can move beyond the title....well, you get a gold star!


Our relationship has been going through some changes recently, as we have each been changing. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize true change in one's needs and desires when it can be attributed to other factors and seem like a temporary shift. And this is especially true when the feelings have risen and fallen in the past, when they seem a bit cyclical i guess.

So when Padrone changed my rules, he did so for a very, very wonderful reason. The problem is that i had no clue what that reason was, so it seemed to me as if he was....decreasing his control in my life. Now, realistically, that would not be an issue in and of itself because of so many things that i do that he controls, and also because he has the authority to control what and as he wishes. But these things were things he had always, in the past, indicated that he enjoyed that i did for him.

So i had no idea why, and he couldn't understand my reaction, and since he thought something negative and i also thought something negative, it turned into a major, major issue. Things were said that were only half-formed thoughts, giving inaccurate impressions, but we weren't in a place to even know ourselves that we weren't sure of what we were thinking and/or feeling. But we eventually patched the hole in the relationship and limped along until we had an opportunity - time, energy, and motivation - to discuss it in depth.

That was yesterday morning. And after that conversation .....

We are stronger than ever. We are most definitely on the same page now. We value each other so much, and the intimacy that such emotion creates is what Padrone has realized he needs more than any other type of thing from me. And i have kind of always been that way, although of course we will still need the physical expressions of D/s. The emotional aspects have always been far more important to me.

I am looking for ways to show Padrone more and more just how much he is with me. Often i will take pics with my phone of little things...honeysuckles blooming on the vines lining my driveway...the overwhelming amount of food at church homecoming the other day....the puppies... me in my new contacts....and i think that is a good way to begin. I text every hour, and i am trying to include more and more details when i do text. The communication is what is vital, and it is finding new ways to do so that will enhance and increase our intimacy.

i tell Padrone so much minutae of my life, and yet he says he loves it. i even have him saying "Roll Tide" now and then! (and *i* love *that!)

And so it seems as if our relationship is morphing, shifting its focus onto what we each need so deeply, to give ourselves the opportunity to express it as fully as possible.

Padrone, i have oversimplified here, i know, but i have never been one to give elaborate details about our life together in this blog. You and i both know what we need, no matter what we call it, and i am so grateful for what we have. Being able to talk with you as we did yesterday is a precious gift, Padrone, and i will never take it for granted.

i love you, my wonderful, wonderful Padrone.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Beware! Beware! Be a very wary bear!

So we recently went through a little rough patch. It was due to circumstances beyond our control, that put a lot of stress on the relationship itself - and while I realized it, I had hoped to wait a couple more weeks until the circumstances eased a bit before bringing anything up. It didn't work out that way, of course, and we had quite a time of ... unease.

We talked it out as best we could. There are things that we don't fully understand about each other's mental processes, even after all this time. And no matter how much submissives like to think their Masters know everything about them, the reality is that they understand that we are different, that we have reasons for our feelings and thoughts and behaviors...but they usually don't understand the reasons themselves. And vice versa.

Now, I admit to being a bit more aware, and far more wary, far more....unsure of myself, even when doing the same things that I know have pleased him for years. But when he says that he doesn't see evidence of my submission, only of obedience, and I'm doing the same things I've been doing for years, then I have to wonder what the issue is. Is it truly my attitude? Is it that the words have become stale and rote, no matter how hard I try to prevent that? Is it simply that he is taking the things I do for granted, and not seeing in them what he used to see? Is it that the "extra" things that I do that aren't necessarily required are no longer viewed with the same level or amount of submission they once were?

Or has my attitude truly changed, without my being aware of it?

All of these things are things that I have been focusing on for the last couple of weeks. We still have moments of wondering if all is well I think ... I *know* I do. I wonder if what I type or say or do is viewed in the manner it is meant, especially if I use the same wording on it that I always have. I wonder if he really does understand how hard it is or can be to vary how I type things when I have typed them for years. I wonder if he can *now* feel the emotions behind the words that he apparently couldn't feel a couple of short weeks ago. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

And, while I think I am easing up on myself just a bit, I know that I have regressed a bit in my confidence and my belief in my ability to please. I wonder about things I used to think I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And I wonder if he feels the same. I doubt it, since he usually simply looks at what the situation is, and ponders it, sometimes for a good long time, and then changes what he feels needs to be changed. But he has changed since our "upset". So have the circumstances. So I am not totally sure how much of it was a conscious effort on his part, and how much of it was a natural reaction to changed circumstances. It doesn't matter. We are both doing better, and I think we are both still, as Pooh was instructed by his friends to be, very wary.

Padrone, I am glad, I am grateful, that we can talk things through eventually when we are upset with each other. I am grateful that you give so much, as much as I give, to this relationship and to me. I hate when we have misunderstandings, especially when they are due to miscommunications, but it happens in any relationship. I am so grateful that you know this with the instinct you call common sense. I wish I could fully express so many of the thoughts that are running through my mind, Padrone, but I am afraid this post will have to suffice. I love you, Padrone. I am, indeed, totally yours.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Escapism and expectations

I'm not really sure where this post will go, frankly. But it has dawned on me recently that many people tend to view a D/s relationship as an escape from their own reality. And it doesn't seem to matter which side of the *slash* one resides - escaping from reality seems to be a pretty universal goal of many in D/s.

Many of us submissives used escape as a defense mechanism during childhood abuse. Personally, it was a way of not only escaping what was going on with me, but also a way to prevent dealing with the emotions it created. My sense of self-worth was irrevocably tied to what happened *to* me, and not on my intrinsic worth. i became my experiences, rather than living through them with any sense of identity. It was inevitable, i understand that, and of course as a child i had no way of knowing what was going on.

Every relationship i have had since then has had the underlying feeling of temporariness to it, even this one until Padrone's patient and consistent behavior finally convinced me otherwise. It drove me crazy for a while, though, of course. But i was *used* to that uncertainty. That is all i had known for my entire life.

Every relationship i have ever entered into has had the expectation of "oh it will be perfect! he will love me forever and i will finally be worth something! i will deserve to be loved!"

Then the next phase ... justifiable criticism which i always tended to view as a rejection, not as a way to make my behavior more pleasing. It is incredibly difficult, because of the way i have always defined myself by my behaviors, to understand the difference between correcting a behavior and rejection of ME. The key was that the escape "bubble" burst, and the reality of my imperfections hit full force. It happens repeatedly, and while i have learned to prevent it through various ways and means, it can hit without warning at times. It can have devastating effects.

i can't escape from who i am, any more than i can morph into a different creature. My escapist tendencies created extremely high expectations of my behaviors and also extremely high expectations of my partner. I hoped for perfection, therefore we each had to BE perfect, see. It has always created problems in the past, but Padrone has taught me to view him, us, and myself (as much as possible) in a realistic way. my "dream life", i am the perfect partner. i love pleasing and serving, therefore i should *always* BE pleasing and show my enjoyment in serving. Realistically, i love pleasing and serving, but not every moment of every day. Sometimes i don't even want to OBEY. I am human. That's just the way it is.

I think that for many of us who have used escapism as a way to cope with the terrible things that happened to us as children, we have skewed views of reality. We don't know how to wait for relationships to develop ... we want what we want when we want it, simply because we found someone with whom we have an instant connection and we feel really, really good about it. We don't understand that going slow really does mean going slow, and not rushing anything. A few months, for me even a year or longer, is not long enough to prove that *this* relationship is real and forever. i don't trust easily....but i do trust easily....too easily...i trust to a degree, while holding back, hiding behind what were once unscalable walls...naive, gullible, and unrealistic....adjectives that have been used to describe me in terms of my relationships.

I see it in others as well...the craving for everything to be perfect....the desire for "the ONE", so strong and gnawing....the too-high expectations .... "love" that is "forever" after just a few months....

It just isn't realistic. Even now, Padrone and i are so hopeful that we are forever. But we also know that realistically....we haven't yet met. What if he doesn't like the way live? or even the way i smell or if my constant movements drive him crazy? And vice versa of with someone is far different than the type of relationship we have now. But we also understand that many things can and should be overlooked when it comes to habits and behaviors.

i don't know really what i am getting at here. It is a little different than the typical "fantasy vs reality" D/s i type about, because i am not specifically talking about D/s here. i am talking about how escaping from the terrible reality of my abusive childhood into a place of "perfection" created issues for me that i have had to deal with, and probably *will* have to deal with for the rest of my life.

i thank God every day for my Padrone who can't always understand the why of my emotions or the emotional motivations for my behaviors, but who always understands the validity of those emotions and motivations even if he can't understand.

Even when i'm angry with him, or he is with me...and it's hard to remember that. The fears flood back in a rush, and it takes every ounce of self control I possess in order to wait for him to be in a place where talking through problems would be productive rather than counterproductive. I am often literally ill during this time, scattered mentally and emotionally. All my energy is focused on waiting, keeping myself from acting on my instinctive need to resolve the issue as soon as possible.

And i am learning, slowly, that issues aren't *always* because of my behaviors. Sometimes misunderstandings aren't my fault. Sometimes they are Padrone's. Sometimes they are nobody's fault. It's hard to let go of the guilt, of the...responsibility to FIX....that i have always, always carried with me. Responsibility for all the bad things, without credit for the good things, has been the story of my life. That is why some of the things you read here you may not understand or agree with. i have never had a healthy relationship in my life, except possibly with my kids, and i have to fight my instincts at times in order to be a good mom to them. I can, and have, even sabotaged those relationships as well.

But it is as my son says...Mom, i may not always agree with what you do or how you do things, but you're my mom. i will always love you. And my daughter is one of the least judgemental people you will ever meet, all while loving the God she believes in and living according to her interpretation of his word.

And so, i am learning how to have a healthy relationship from my kids.

What was the point of this blog post? I have no clue. All i know is that Padrone came into my life at the precise moment i could handle the demands and rigors of being his slave...and learn to accept that i deserve someone as incredible as this man as the man who owns me, and loves me, as well as he does. i am amazed, Padrone, at how far we have come, and how wonderful the future looks from my perspective.

i love you, Padrone. With all my heart.

Saturday, April 02, 2011



Needle sharp, unpleasant
Pain-creating images
Overtaking the beauty
They were created to

Defenders of souls
Inspiring wariness -
No need for closeness,
No desire for pain,
Despite the strong

Giving you my thorns,
Taking yours in return.
Thorns...our hurts,
Pain of our pasts...
Revealed, discovered,

By that most beautiful
Of all created things.
Valued and protected...
Attractive, sought-after,