Escapism and expectations

I'm not really sure where this post will go, frankly. But it has dawned on me recently that many people tend to view a D/s relationship as an escape from their own reality. And it doesn't seem to matter which side of the *slash* one resides - escaping from reality seems to be a pretty universal goal of many in D/s.

Many of us submissives used escape as a defense mechanism during childhood abuse. Personally, it was a way of not only escaping what was going on with me, but also a way to prevent dealing with the emotions it created. My sense of self-worth was irrevocably tied to what happened *to* me, and not on my intrinsic worth. i became my experiences, rather than living through them with any sense of identity. It was inevitable, i understand that, and of course as a child i had no way of knowing what was going on.

Every relationship i have had since then has had the underlying feeling of temporariness to it, even this one until Padrone's patient and consistent behavior finally convinced me otherwise. It drove me crazy for a while, though, of course. But i was *used* to that uncertainty. That is all i had known for my entire life.

Every relationship i have ever entered into has had the expectation of "oh it will be perfect! he will love me forever and i will finally be worth something! i will deserve to be loved!"

Then the next phase ... justifiable criticism which i always tended to view as a rejection, not as a way to make my behavior more pleasing. It is incredibly difficult, because of the way i have always defined myself by my behaviors, to understand the difference between correcting a behavior and rejection of ME. The key was that the escape "bubble" burst, and the reality of my imperfections hit full force. It happens repeatedly, and while i have learned to prevent it through various ways and means, it can hit without warning at times. It can have devastating effects.

i can't escape from who i am, any more than i can morph into a different creature. My escapist tendencies created extremely high expectations of my behaviors and also extremely high expectations of my partner. I hoped for perfection, therefore we each had to BE perfect, see. It has always created problems in the past, but Padrone has taught me to view him, us, and myself (as much as possible) in a realistic way.

See...in my "dream life", i am the perfect partner. i love pleasing and serving, therefore i should *always* BE pleasing and show my enjoyment in serving. Realistically, i love pleasing and serving, but not every moment of every day. Sometimes i don't even want to OBEY. I am human. That's just the way it is.

I think that for many of us who have used escapism as a way to cope with the terrible things that happened to us as children, we have skewed views of reality. We don't know how to wait for relationships to develop ... we want what we want when we want it, simply because we found someone with whom we have an instant connection and we feel really, really good about it. We don't understand that going slow really does mean going slow, and not rushing anything. A few months, for me even a year or longer, is not long enough to prove that *this* relationship is real and forever. i don't trust easily....but i do trust easily....too easily...i trust to a degree, while holding back, hiding behind what were once unscalable walls...naive, gullible, and unrealistic....adjectives that have been used to describe me in terms of my relationships.

I see it in others as well...the craving for everything to be perfect....the desire for "the ONE", so strong and gnawing....the too-high expectations .... "love" that is "forever" after just a few months....

It just isn't realistic. Even now, Padrone and i are so hopeful that we are forever. But we also know that realistically....we haven't yet met. What if he doesn't like the way live? or even the way i smell or if my constant movements drive him crazy? And vice versa of course...living with someone is far different than the type of relationship we have now. But we also understand that many things can and should be overlooked when it comes to habits and behaviors.

i don't know really what i am getting at here. It is a little different than the typical "fantasy vs reality" D/s i type about, because i am not specifically talking about D/s here. i am talking about how escaping from the terrible reality of my abusive childhood into a place of "perfection" created issues for me that i have had to deal with, and probably *will* have to deal with for the rest of my life.

i thank God every day for my Padrone who can't always understand the why of my emotions or the emotional motivations for my behaviors, but who always understands the validity of those emotions and motivations even if he can't understand.

Even when i'm angry with him, or he is with me...and it's hard to remember that. The fears flood back in a rush, and it takes every ounce of self control I possess in order to wait for him to be in a place where talking through problems would be productive rather than counterproductive. I am often literally ill during this time, scattered mentally and emotionally. All my energy is focused on waiting, keeping myself from acting on my instinctive need to resolve the issue as soon as possible.

And i am learning, slowly, that issues aren't *always* because of my behaviors. Sometimes misunderstandings aren't my fault. Sometimes they are Padrone's. Sometimes they are nobody's fault. It's hard to let go of the guilt, of the...responsibility to FIX....that i have always, always carried with me. Responsibility for all the bad things, without credit for the good things, has been the story of my life. That is why some of the things you read here you may not understand or agree with. i have never had a healthy relationship in my life, except possibly with my kids, and i have to fight my instincts at times in order to be a good mom to them. I can, and have, even sabotaged those relationships as well.

But it is as my son says...Mom, i may not always agree with what you do or how you do things, but you're my mom. i will always love you. And my daughter is one of the least judgemental people you will ever meet, all while loving the God she believes in and living according to her interpretation of his word.

And so, i am learning how to have a healthy relationship from my kids.

What was the point of this blog post? I have no clue. All i know is that Padrone came into my life at the precise moment i could handle the demands and rigors of being his slave...and learn to accept that i deserve someone as incredible as this man as the man who owns me, and loves me, as well as he does. i am amazed, Padrone, at how far we have come, and how wonderful the future looks from my perspective.

i love you, Padrone. With all my heart.