Friday, June 22, 2007

hard-won pride, humility, and power

i was thinking again this morning.

i can't really explain the thoughts, they aren't well formed, but i was thinking of humility and pride and how they seem so diametrically opposite, and in fact they are, but they can and do coexist peacefully within me. How can that be? That's what is difficult to explain, but i will attempt to do just that.

i am so very proud of who i am, and who i belong to, and the progress i have made in my personal life. i truly don't recognize myself at times, especially when i look at where i have come from. There is no way that i could ever convey the dramatic difference, and even if i could, y'all would have a difficult time believing it. Padrone can attest to that fact, if y'all want to ask Him. His slave, His woman, has grown up while wearing His collar.

i am so proud of that, y'all. That has taken quite a bit of work, introspection, realization of things that i have no choice but to accept about myself, and even recently things that i refuse to accept because i am not convinced that they are truly who i am....and the struggle that it creates even now. But i know that eventually i will be able to work through it and find out more about myself - even if it is that i *am* who i thought i was in this particular area.

This struggle is internal, and it isn't something that Padrone requires. The struggles aren't His, they have no effect on Him as long as my behavior is appropriate....except the effect that any internal changes bring to our relationship. That is my point - He wants me to enjoy, to be happy, but that isn't His main concern. He cares about my obedience. My enjoyment is a bonus, to me and to Him as well. He loves my pleasure, but His own pleasure is what it is all about, and HIS pleasure comes from my submission, my surrender to His will.

i know that i please Him. That is also a source of pride for me. i am so proud to know that the simple country girl that i am, is pleasing to a man as wonderful as my Padrone. For me, that is a new feeling...knowledge that i please, simply because i am who i am. i am submissive, deeply submissive, and Padrone needs just that. But it isn't merely my submission that He loves. i finally know that it is all of me, and i can't help but smile with pride that i am His.

But the humility can i not feel humbled by the degree of intensity of our interaction, our relationship? i suspected from the beginning that He would control more of me than anyone ever had before, and more deeply as well. But nothing prepared me for what He does control, and how He does it. Nothing could have prepared me for it. He has said in the past that He wonders if there is a limit to my submission, and honestly it hasn't been found yet...but neither has His need and desire to control me either.

This incredible Master, and who He has shown Himself to be to others is only a taste of who He really is, that i can honestly say, has found in me....the slave that meets His deepest desires. How can i not feel so humbled by that fact, even while i swell with pride to know that it is so?

i have thought, and i have discovered that humility itself, is a totally different kind of power.

i am humbled by what we have, Padrone. i am honored by Your collar, by Your ownership, and all that it entails. i bask in the pride that You feel for me, my Owner. But the relationship itself....the intensity that is ever-deepening... the control...the submission...the emotions....the behaviors....the surrender and the need for such deep surrender.....THAT is what truly humbles me.

What we have, Padrone, is something larger than both of us combined should have been able to create. What we have can only have been created by emotions and needs and connections that are destined for one another. That is what i find humbling, and yet in that humility... is the power to increase, to strengthen, to grow, to expand, and to inflame what exists until we are both consumed time and again with one another, and with the relationship itself. It can only happen with You...and with me.

"i love You" is a very pale image of the place You have in my heart, mind, and in my life. i am Yours. Completely.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Two Years...and counting

Who would have ever believed it?

i have belonged to the most wonderful Master in the world, for two complete years. i haven't worn His collar quite that long, but His ownership began two years ago when, during a typical PM conversation, the topic turned to control. Somehow the time was right to give in to my yearnings to belong to this man, and with His guidance, i asked for His control to extend beyond IRC and into my real life. i asked to become His.

And i was accepted.

Thus began my journey from whore to slave, from girl to woman, from a 'free slave' to a truly freed slave. Over the last year or so y'all have learned a lot about the journey itself...maybe more than y'all wanted to. But the beginning...

i can still feel my heart race as i considered the questions i must ask. i still feel the butterflies fluttering madly as i thought about the consequences of my actions - or the limited consequences i could foresee at the time. i still feel the anticipation, almost breathless as i waited for His answer. i still feel the joy that washed over me so strongly, so suddenly, at His acceptance of me and my submission.

That moment changed our lives, in some ways immediately, but in others the change has been so gradual that i haven't even noticed it at times. But the person i am, the slave i am, the changes in me personally and in our relationship, are apparent even to anyone who will go back and read the earlier posts in this blog.

i always say that i don't see how we can get any closer. Somehow we always do, though.

A moment that will be imprinted on my mind just as clearly as the questions i asked, is something Padrone asked of me last night, on our anniversary. He said that since i had asked to be controlled more deeply then, three thank Him, three times, for enslaving me.

Oh the shock that ran through my system at the symbolism, the sudden, electric, realization of just exactly how far we have come since that moment, two years ago. Y' was as if i was...i don't know, somehow watching our history in my mind, two years of it, in an instant.

And so i did:

titty{F} smiles....lifting her head to look at You with shining and devotion flowing from them.......

oh Padrone....thank You is never You have changed my life......and the gratitude overwhelms me at times......thank You, my Master....for enslaving me....for creating the framework of slavery in my life.....

titty{F} smiles, tears flowing freely.....thank You...for seeing beyond the surface.....for seeing something in me that captured Your attention....some potential that i had given up believing was true.....and for exerting Your control into my life.....into every facet of my life......into every part, my entire Yours to control as You wish.....

titty{F} keeps looking straight into Your eyes, her own blinded by tears.......whispering now.....thank You......for taking a whore....and creating a beautiful, pleasing, loving slave...for You, Padrone.....only for You

Franti smiles lovingly at you, his slave ....

(and y'all wonder why i can never give enough to this man?)

Then i began to think, as i usually do.

How exactly HAS Padrone changed my life? There has to be some way to define it, some bottom-line, so basic change that everything else is built upon that. It hit me as i was typing the last bit, and when i called to say good night, i said the words that i want to reiterate and expound upon now.

The greatest gift, the biggest change, the most basic thing that Padrone has altered in my life is that He taught me to love myself.

He hasn't just accepted who i am without reservation, which is gift in itself. He hasn't just shown as close to unconditional love as i have ever experienced, or even witnessed in others' relationships. He hasn't just taught me to accept that HE loves me and accepts me as i am. He has taught me that who i am is a good person, a loveable person, an intelligent person whose company is worth seeking out. He has taught me that mistakes aren't character faults. He has taught me to laugh when i fail sometimes (like when i don't send a text on time. It's a big deal because it is a rule and He wants them. But rather than obsessing about it as i used to do, now i simply laugh a bit ruefully, write my lines, and keep texting.) He has taught me how to be ... leave the past where it is, as much as is emotionally possible.

Padrone has given me the foundation within myself, that has allowed me to give more and more, freely and without reservation, without thinking that He deserves better than i am, than i give, than i offer Him. Now, as never before, *i* value highly what i give to Him, and that just makes the gift more sweet than ever. Everything i give now, every service, every emotion, every touch, every word, is from someone who knows that these things are appreciated, valued, for who they come from as deeply as for what they are. And that, my friends, is a gift beyond measure.

Oh Padrone, how can one place any value on the gift of one's self worth? You didn't merely help me to see that i have some worth to You, but somehow You have taught me, have shown me, that i have worth simply because of who i am. You have given me more than i can ever state, Padrone....more than i can ever repay, which is fine because i know that repayment is not an issue in any way. You have truly taken the broken, lost, lonely girl You met so long ago, and revealed the beautiful woman me.....and to anyone who wishes to see her.

You have reshaped me, Padrone. i can never thank You enough. All i can do is shine for You...and shine i will, for You...because of honor You....i am Yours.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Here, there and yonder

No explanation of "yonder" for y'all poor non-southerners, either. i know, i'm terrible. :)

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Sometimes it is good for me to simply take some time and think about things, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately it has been all of the above, frankly.

The ugly has mostly been relating to work and my injury and such. i'm tired of complaining about it, and i KNOW folks are tired of hearing about it, so i am going to leave that one alone here.

The bad has been about me, recently. i'm not talking about the old demons of self-doubt and related thoughts, but we all go through times of introspection, wondering if we are the best we can be at the point in time we are in. i know i am not, and sometimes i just kind of.....think about how i can improve who i am. The main conclusion i have come to is that i will stop expecting as much out of others as i do myself.

This seems like an easy thing to do, but for me it isn't. i am not sure why, but there is a part of me that tends to expect others to be fair, to be honest, and to be courteous and respectful even when they have bad things to say. i used to say "that's not too much to ask of anyone", but i have learned that it can, indeed, be too much to ask for some. So what i am doing is changing my expectations. i am not lowering them, per se, rather making myself less vulnerable to disappointment, and the stress that comes with it. Now how do i do that?

First, i have to realize, to accept, that what *i* see as fair, honest, courteous and respectful, isn't everyone's perception of the same things. Secondly, i have to accept that not everyone holds these things as high on their priority list as i do. And another way that i can make this happen is to simply do the old fashioned thing that my Granny used to say to me: "consider the source". i wish i could get more words of wisdom from her, because i think that now i am finally old enough, mature enough, to apply them throughout my life.

i have decided that i will consider the source for many things, specifically of interest to those that read this blog, things that happen in irc. For several personal reasons, i will be suspicious of certain things, and of certain people there, but the problem is that some people tend to let that place be so important to them that they use it to hurt others. For me, it is a place to talk with people i know and some i like. People, not nicks. And i am always aware of that difference, y'all. THAT is what i have to drill into my thick skull. Not everyone understands that their actions, words, and attitudes can hurt actual, real people. Guess what. When i realize how shortsighted, and how callous that kind of person is, i can let it go a little easier. Maybe i do have an arrogant attitude about this, i don't know. i don't mean to, but in this i can honestly say that, no matter how bitchy i may feel, i would never deliberately hurt anyone, even in irc. THAT is one of the biggest expectations i have to change - that others would treat me with that same respect. It ain't gonna happen.

And y'all know the good part. Padrone, Padrone, Padrone.

It keeps getting better and better. So many things change, but they stay the same in the most basic ways. It is impossible to describe what our relationship is truly like, but as i have said repeatedly, the expression is in such a deep D/s manner, it is absolutely wonderful. Lately it has been so comfortable, and i don't mean that in a bad way for Your slave to be comfortable, Padrone - lol.

i've had a few thoughts regarding general D/s philosophy, and also regarding our specific relationship, that i want to type about here.

i typed about surrender once, i don't remember now just when it was. i talked about how surrender is so difficult to perceive before one does it. It is unimaginable because it is, in general society, such a negative thing. When i began to surrender my will to His, that meant that His will replaced my own in my mind and in my life. THAT is the scary part, and it seems as if, when a girl does that, that she is giving up who she is. And maybe in theory she is, she is yielding herself absolutely to her Master, to become whoever He wants her to be. i was fortunate in that Padrone wants me to be myself, and to behave as He wishes. He has no desire to change me fundamentally - maybe because i work so hard on changing myself to constantly become more and more pleasing to Him. Since *i* am changing to please Him more, He doesn't have to change me, and we both get what we need.

And that is the point i am trying to make. The act of surrendering, the living a surrendered life, is NOT an ending. It is most definitely a beginning. Surrendering means in all things, and sometimes it is not easy to live that way. But in general, i am so magnificently free... to focus on His pleasure completely, to mold myself, my words, my behavior, my thoughts, my surprises.....into what i believe will bring Him pleasure, even a small pleasure. And i could only do that when i gave up ... what? It's hard to define, but i guess .... i gave Him my need. It is His to fill or not, just as my mind is His to control, my body, my emotions. And ... this is the key, this is what most people forget when they get in a hurry for a collar, for a relationship, for deep control and submission....i KNOW, because time was taken to build a secure foundation of trust.....that He will meet my needs to the best of His ability as a human.

What is the secret that makes it not negative, but rather the most positive thing that any slave can ever do? When i surrendered my will to Him, He surrendered any desire or even any ability to be irresponsible when dealing with me. (actually, in some ways, it can be said that He surrendered His need to me, but that's a little philosophical even for me at this moment) He can't treat me irresponsibly now, not since He holds such a huge part of me in His heart and in His hands. He has no choice but to keep my needs on His forefront, because that is the only way His own needs will be met. If He treated me poorly (something i can't even BEGIN to think of Him doing, but theoretically it's possible i guess), then He would put me into a position that i would have to retrieve my focus from His needs to my own, leaving Him hanging, and having to meet His own needs as well. Neither of us want that, believe me.

And so, i know beyond a doubt that He is as concerned with my contentment, my happiness, as i am with His. As He used to say but which i know He means even more deeply than i ever realized....a happy slave serves better.

Surrendering brought our relationship into colorful focus, like in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and Toto landed in Munchkin land, no more dull colors, everything was rich, vibrant, it was meant to real life is. That describes our relationship well. And yet it could only happen when i finally said "no matter what happens, i have to give myself to You, to Your pleasure", and He accepted everything i gave.

And y'all know what? He makes me come alive. Y'all have seen it....the dramatic change in me when He comes into channel. It is that way even when i get a text from Him, or see Him in yahoo, or talk on the phone with Him. There is such joy to belong to Him, and to know that He is as happy with "US" as i am, and that there is nobody who can be His more fully than i am. i am His slave, His woman. I am owned so joyously, so perfectly.


i always wanted to be free, until i was bound to You. i always wanted my own way, until i saw that i gain my life when i lose it. i have lost it in You, Padrone. i have GAINED so much more of a life than i ever had before though. i used to be so wrapped up with my demons, so hidden behind all the walls, that the only ones that could truly matter were "me, myself, and i". i had no other choice, there was noone else to whom i mattered. Until You.

It was only when i finally let go of what i want, or rather of all the walls, the defenses, the stumbling blocks....that You could make me come alive. Nothing in this world compares to the joy of giving myself You...only to You.

Your fiore del sud, opening, revealing her secret, inner self only to You, her need to bring You as much pleasure as it is in her ability to bring, is the fragrance that only You can enjoy....You make this woman beautiful, Padrone. You make her whole. You make her Yours, and she can imagine nothing better than that.