Sunday, January 12, 2014
So my year began quietly, sleeping early and sleeping in on New Years Day, which was very nice indeed! I thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas break, as usual. It was nice and slow - I didn't plan a lot of activities or busy-ness, and I was able to spend time with Padrone and alone, and it was just what I needed.
I've really come a long way since Thanksgiving, actually. I've grown a LOT in terms of true, mental, demon-exorcism and discovering who I am without the fears that have plagued me for almost my entire life. It was as if I needed to see that what I was experiencing was PTSD, and that giving the label to the "demons" ... well, that has helped me to learn to live with it rather than just being afraid of triggers and what they would reveal.
There is still an element of that, of course, because there are still things that are quite well hidden and haven't seen the light of exposure for 40-45 years. But it's fine - I've discovered that when I do have a flashback, or an innocent remark triggers a "freak out" that it doesn't define who I am. I never realized that is what I was doing until recently, but when that particular switch flipped....it is like I have become a different person.
I'm not afraid to admit my strength anymore. I'm not afraid to go farther, higher. I'm not afraid to plan for the future and expect that my plans will succeed. I'm not afraid of that success, nor am I afraid of the effects of success on my life or my relationship or my psyche. And you know what else I have discovered? I've discovered that since I am coming to Padrone from a place of strength now, that my submission is intrinsically motivated far more than before.
And I have learned what it means TO ME to have no limits - to be a "no limits" slave. To me, it doesn't mean anything at all about physical, BDSM types of limits. To me, it means that there is no limit to my submission, to my surrender, to my need to serve and to please and to obey. To me....only to me....it has nothing to do with what I will or will not do in terms of BDSM.
And what is so exciting is that this is just the beginning of my exploration of life from the perspective of confident, less fearful, woman and slave. I saw the effect of it on recent job interviews. I almost did not recognize myself, but I was relaxed and had a lot of fun - both the interviewers and I laughed and connected, and by the time the interviews were over I knew that I had made a very good impression. I absolutely love this feeling and have tested to make sure it isn't a fleeting, emotion-based thing. But I am calm inside - mentally calm, emotionally calm. There has been an indescribable change within me, and it is one with which I am absolutely and incredibly happy.
Padrone, I am not sure I have ever been able to really describe to you what has been happening to me internally over the past few weeks, but it has been very hard to explain. Even this did not really do so, but it is the best I can do. I know you have seen a change in me, and it has been good. And while I have fallen lax on some of my tasks, I am a far better slave overall than I have ever been, because I am a far better woman, and a far stronger woman, than ever before. And this strong, good, happy woman is abjectly grateful to be your slave, Padrone, and is renewing her commitment to giving you the obedience which you so deserve. She could never ask for a more perfect Master for her, and she cannot express her adoration and her devotion to you enough. I am yours, simply and wonderfully yours.