Saturday, February 25, 2012
I'm sorry I haven't typed here in a while. The usual excuses apply - busy, busy and even more busy. But I've also been sick. I contracted mono - caught it from the students I'm sure. When I was just about ready to go back to work, suddenly I developed a pretty severe kidney infection. I finally got back to work on Tuesday, had a couple of rough days, but I'm better now. Still have a lot less energy than I did before I got sick, and I guess it will take a while for me to recover it fully, but I feel a lot better.
So as you may imagine, I haven't really been thinking of D/s much. I've been doing what I am supposed to do (for the most part, I am sure I failed some because of how sick I was, but Padrone is so merciful when it comes to things like this. I am one incredibly lucky slave).
I've been reading blogs though, sporadically. There are a couple of bloggers whose thoughts I really do enjoy reading, and a couple more that I read regularly even though I don't always understand what they are trying to say, or even perceive their dynamic as a positive (strictly based on my own ideas of D/s of course, as well as the "snapshot" of their dynamic as presented in a blog). One blog in particular represents what I feel is not a very positive dynamic but I keep reading because I can't figure out just what I see as wrong, especially when all the comments are extremely positive.
Some people have had some real issues while I have been sick, but I haven't felt like commenting, or even feeling my typical empathy for them. I have felt bad about that, actually, which is crazy I know!
I don't have a lot to say today, obviously, other than that I am back and very happy to be feeling better! School is going good. work is going to be absolutely insane the next 6 weeks or so while I do IEPs and alternate assessment and re-evaluations, and transition stuff. It's been even more interesting because I changed schools and students mid-year so a lot of the things I have to do now are things I didn't have to do then. But of course, I would have had far more re-evaluations and IEPs to write if iI were still in the same situation I was in last semester. So it all worked out, thank goodness.
I have a couple of school assignments due in the next few weeks as well. One class ends in about 3 weeks, but after finishing the power point due tomorrow, I will only have one more big assignment due. The other course has only 4 assignments total, so this semester with school has either been pretty easy, or I am getting better at seeing the assignments for what they are and not feeling overwhelmed when I think about them - lol. Not sure that's overall a good thing, in some ways, since I sure don't want to minimize them either!
After this semester, I'll have 4 more classes to take. This summer I plan to work on my portfolio as much as possible, and take two other classes as well. That way, I'll have a lot of the portfolio done which means that in the fall when the new school year starts (along with football season which will be busier for reasons I won't yet disclose) I will have a little bit lighter load while taking the last two courses needed. And in December, I will wear a cap and gown for the first time in 28 years! And you know what? I think I may leave the graduation ceremony and hit the road - a trip to Disney World would be a wonderful way to celebrate the completion of my Masters, don't y'all agree?
Padrone, I know this is short and quite vanilla in nature, but I know that you are interested in my life as a whole so I know you don't mind reading posts like these. I love you, il Padrone mio.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
I've done something I had never done before. I have been crying ever since Padrone and I got online because of it. And yes, I am supposed to type about it here. So, some background...
I have been sick, with mono (kissing disease, go ahead and laugh, everyone else has). Today was my first fever-free day since last Tuesday or Wednesday, a week and a half. Mono is no fun, it's not only the exhaustion which is overwhelming, but also the aches, the sore throat, the fever, the eye pain, the ... well, you get the idea. I've been off work all week, which is understandable. I've been pretty darn useless as a submissive, but very well cared for as a woman anyway. (That's what makes it work so wonderfully).
Today I *also* developed a migraine. I am prone to them as I think I have mentioned here before. But since my son and I have both had mono (sorry, I forgot that detail....he got sick a couple of days after I did), I totally ran out of ibuprofen without realizing it. I have been out of my imitrex for a while, and forget to ask for a new prescription when I am at the doctor's for other things, and I hate to go to the doctor *just* for imitrex....grrr.....I frustrate myself sometimes. Things that I type now actually made sense at the time...the exhaustion of the mono ... I don't think very clearly when I am that tired...
Today, when that migraine hit, the only thing I could think of that even had the potential to relieve it was orgasm. Yes, I had done it before, *years* ago, and it helped some. I knew a bath wouldn't help, and the headache was coming on fast and furious. The aura was so strong that I could barely see for the blind spots and sparkles.
I was not in the least bit horny, let me make that perfectly clear. All I was thinking of was the theory behind headache relief that orgasms can sometimes provide. Yes, I did remember that Padrone's first rule for me was "no cumming without permission". And yes, I willfully disobeyed.
Or tried to, at least.
I got my toys out, buzzed a little, focused, strained, stressed....and....simply could not do it.
I tried for a few minutes, not long. I felt incredibly guilty, and I hated that I had done what I had done. My body had tensed enough, though, that the relaxing of it helped the tightly contracted blood vessels relax as well, which helped the headache as I had hoped.
It was an unbelievably long afternoon, as some of you may imagine. I dreaded telling Padrone. I hated to know his disappointment in me. I knew he would be, and if he hadn't been, I would have been even more upset, wondering why. The hardest thing I have done in years is to tell Padrone that I willfully disobeyed him. I have never done that in all the time we have been together.
To further explain.....my reasoning was nothing more than to relieve the headache. It was so severe that I knew I had to do something or I would end up at the doctor's office, or the ER, depending on how quickly it worsened. It affected my thinking, but I still knew that what I chose to do was wrong. I knew that I was choosing to disobey.
I could have texted, but it was Padrone's dinnertime, and I knew that it might be hours before I got a reply...and I knew that the waiting would be filled with more pain than I was ... I almost said "capable of enduring", but I could have endured it I guess. I just honestly didn't think I could. I literally could not face the possible wait...of course, he could have replied very soon, depending on when his dinner was ready and served, but it was highly, highly unlikely.
As the headache eased, the emotional upheaval increased. It was all I could do not to beg Padrone's forgiveness via text, but I felt that it was too complicated to explain in a few characters so I waited until we were online together.
I still can't stop crying. I *chose* to disobey il Padrone mio...my Master....not something I want to accept about myself....
Padrone's response....well, I will simply copy and paste our online conversation, it's easier, and easy sounds good at this moment....and it will also give you some insight into him, his thought processes, even when he is blindsided by something as totally out of character as what I had done...he had asked how my headache was....
[18:10] (me) Padrone, it's better....i did something that i may be in trouble for, though, Padrone :(
[18:10] (him) tell me
[18:10] (me) takes a deep breath
[18:11] (me) Padrone....i had that migraine .... and i am out of medicine....
[18:12] (me) Padrone, and i could tell i was getting tense....muscles i mean....and i couldn't make them relax, which would have helped.....
[18:13] (me) Padrone, and i have also heard that sex can help ease a headache......so while i was not at ALL horny......i ....use some toys....did not cum.....but i .... i tried to cum....just to ease the headache....i couldn't, and after 2 or 3 minutes i couldn't even stand the toys anymore....
[18:13] (me) Padrone, i am so sorry, Padrone :(
[18:14] (him) when did it happen?
[18:15] (me) Padrone, i'm not sure of the time, but it was probably between your 7 and 8 pm, Padrone
[18:16] (me) Padrone, just tensing up, *trying* to cum (it's strange, i honestly cannot cum now without you saying i can, even if i try to).....it helped my headache, Padrone
[18:17] (him) why didn't you txt and ask for permission, was the migrain so bad you couldn't wait?
[18:18] (me) i am so sorry....i have never done anything like that before, and if i had not been out of medicine, even ibuprofen, i wouldn't have even tried.....and yes, it was that plus there was only a short window of time when i was alone and could ... really relax (theoretically), Padrone
[18:19] me is so sorry :(
[18:19] (him) ah, and now you think you MAY be in trouble, you are not sure?
[18:20] (me) Padrone, well...i didn't cum....i couldn't cum.....so i don't know if i technically broke a rule or not.....i did play without permission....not out of horniness though....so i just....wasn't sure, Padrone :(
[18:20] (me) i didn't know how you would look at it
[18:21] (me) Padrone, i am so sorry, Padrone
[18:22] (him) well, dear, i'm not so sure myself ... you did play without permission, but there are mitigating circumstances ... did you get any medicine after that?
[18:23] (me) Padrone, when i was in town i got ibuprofen...i didn't realize that we were completely out until i found the empty bottle when i went to get some.....i have it now, Padrone
[18:23] (me) Padrone, i have to go to the doctor to get the imitrex i usually take, though, Padrone
[18:24] he nods ... i find interesting that you couldn't cum without permission even when you tried ...
[18:25] me trembles a bit as she waits
[18:26] (him) but i have to consider that you decided to try ... but also, occasionally suffering of sinusitis myself, i know what kind of killer pain you suffered ...
[18:27] (him) and also i have to consider that it's the first time you willingly decide to disobey since i know you ...
[18:28] (him) and you probably feel guilty as hell now, mm?
[18:28] (me) oh god yes
[18:29] me is crying, and i have felt sick about it all day....i just ..... i should have asked, but i had no idea when you might read and reply....and hoped that you would say yes...and the headache was worsening every second....i am so, so so sorry, Padrone
[18:30] (me) no excuses....it...seemed justifiable at the time.....but i wasn't thinking clearly i know......
[18:31] (him) alright, all i want you to do about this is to write a blog post about it, you will explain it all and describe your feelings, but you don't need to be specific about HOW you disobeyed, that's up to you
[18:31] (me) i had done it once before, years and years ago, before i even knew about D/s....still married......he wouldn't pay for me to go to the doctor.....so i did it then....it helped a little.....that's why i decided to try it.....
[18:32] me sobs softly..... oh god...
[18:32] (him) is that a problem?
[18:34] (me) Padrone....it will be very, very hard to do....but it isn't a problem, of course not....well, a problem, but not ....well, not something i won't do, or will rebel against or complain about or whatever, Padrone
[18:35] (him) you are forgiven anyway, you just try to write that post, and if it comes out it's too hard for you ... well, we will talk about it
[18:37] me just cries softly.....Padrone, i am so sorry.....thank you.....i will write it...but it may not make sense....it's hard to explain how i thought then, cos i wasn't thinking clearly, and it makes no sense now when i try to explain it, Padrone
[18:37] (him) now give me a kiss and tell me you love me, schiava
[18:39] me raises her teary face and kisses you lovingly.....Padrone, you are my life....i love you beyond measure....i don't deserve you....but i am intensely, forever grateful for you, il Padrone mio
[18:39] (him) me caresses your hair and softly sings ...
[18:40] (him) you are beautiful, no matter what they say ...
[18:40] (him) (his reason for singing here, not mine to reveal :))
[18:41] me smiles and melts
[18:41] (me) Padrone, thank you.....i haven't ever had to do anything as difficult as telling you that i willfully disobeyed, since i have known you, Padrone
I have an amazing, amazing Master. I mean, truly amazing. Even after assigning the consequences for my choices, he was careful to let me know that I would be listened to if it was too difficult for me, since he understands extremely well just how difficult this degree of revelation is for me to do. Strange for a blogger, I guess, but true. And Padrone understands it, and me, far better than even I ever realized.
He looks not only at what I have done, even when I willfully disobeyed, but rather at who I am...the circumstances surrounding it....and set consequences that were so very appropriate and ... helpful. Padrone, I can't ever thank you enough for listening to me...really, really listening to me....understanding as well as you do, even when you don't really want to... and for setting an appropriate punishment (or consequences as the case may be). Thank you for the immediate forgiveness, and the loving reassurance of that forgiveness.
I have never loved you any more than I do at this moment, with tears streaming down my face, guilt for disrespecting you, for disobeying you, filling my heart....but the knowledge of your loving, generous forgiveness overriding it all. I am more grateful than I can every express, simply to be the woman you love. Grazie, il Padrone mio, grazie.