Saturday, October 22, 2011
I miss the time I used to have. There, I admit it.
I work, drive to and from work, do a few chores to ensure I have clothes to wear and the toilet is clean, and sleep. Until the weekend, when I do a few more chores, shop for groceries, watch football, do more laundry and get things ready for the next week. I knew I would be busy, but I guess I didn't realize just *how* little time I would have while working.
I do love having my weekends off though, the consistency of knowing just when I will be free is a huge relief. I'm about to start another class, and I can't drop this one so I have to do whatever it takes to get the work done. I will, I know. I just miss having the time I used to have.
I am thoroughly enjoying my job, though. Hearing the students say that they love my class and want me to move to 7th grade with them next year means more to me than I could ever express. Hearing my MR student who has had the same teacher, in the same surroundings, for the past 5 years tell me that she loves my class, and she loves our room.... it's like a balm to my soul, I admit.
The politics are still awful and stressful and taking their toll on me. Being asked to do things that are illegal and unethical, by my mentor teacher at that, is something I never expected and can only hope that I can continue to react in an appropriate way. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up constantly. I know I do, in many ways, but it is as if I have a target on my back because I am the "new kid" and also because I...well, frankly because I know what I am doing and I am not going to risk my license and my future by doing some of the things they are asking me to do.
I am just really, really grateful that Padrone is a lawyer! But even more than that, I am grateful that Padrone is the loving, caring, patient, supportive man that he is. I guess sometimes I tend to have my head in the clouds or maybe I just ... don't always understand the effects of so many changes and so I pile things onto my plate without realizing just how hard it might be. Well, I have handled a lot of things since Padrone and I have been together, so maybe it seems as if I haven't really recognized my limitations or something, I don't know. Does that make sense? It isn't as if I think I am superwoman or something, please don't misunderstand. It's just that I can see that I have in the past worked full time and taken 3 graduate summer classes, so I never imagined that taking one class while teaching would be an issue. But Padrone realized far more than I did that I wasn't just going to work full time again, I was starting a new career entirely. It is stressful. It has taken quite a bit of adjustment. And it has really, really been time and energy consuming that's for sure!
But Padrone keeps steady. He hasn't used me in a while, that's true, and I miss that. Not as much the sexual aspects of it as the overt, focused, undeniable expression of submission and devotion....and the gratitude that follows so immediately .... that I miss. It isn't as if our relationship is any less strong by any means. If anything it is stronger, from my perspective at least. It seems as if my emotions run deeper and deeper with every passing day. I never understand just how that can happen, but this man...
Padrone thinks that I make him look like some sort of....saint or something, in my blog. I don't talk about how badly he beats me at backgammon even though I am still learning and don't know all the strategies. I don't talk about when he asks me why I am a couple of minutes late getting online, but often makes me wait 10 minutes or longer before he comes online. There are times when I get irritable (usually hormone-related, even though I hate using that "excuse", it happens). There are times when he is grumpy - although not often for sure. But the consistency of his behaviors, the expressions of his emotions, that consistency has influenced me in a very positive way and it is as if the newfound calmness of mind has allowed my emotions to deepen or strengthen.
I don't have to be concerned with whether or not Padrone is going to be upset about this or that. I honestly believe that I have a pretty good understanding of this man, on the level that is vital for our relationship as the dynamic stands. I believe that it would take some pretty major disrespect or deliberate disobedience on my part for him to get extremely upset with me. He may get irritable, as he did when I would forget to text him as soon as I got to the school every morning, but really upset is extremely rare. I would remember to text when I left, but when I would get to the school itself, I would have people who would walk to my car when I got there, talking with me about school or whatever, and I would forget to text even when I got to the room because by then my day had started....or I would text then but it wasn't what he wanted. So we have kind of, in a way, compromised in an informal way. I try to text before I go in, but I will at least text when I have gotten to my room. (also, one reason I would forget before is because I would be getting to the school just in time to clock in...well, I usually clock in 5 minutes before it's required, but now I have started leaving a few minutes earlier so I have time to get the settling in done). Anyway, after he threatened to call the school a couple of times, we had a talk and....I've done better (for the most part, with a couple of very noticeable slip-ups) and so has he. He simply texts to ask if I arrived safely, and he now gives me time to respond between classes or whenever I can instead of threatening to call the school. So see...things do have a way of working themselves out, simply because we are who we are and we know that working them out is what we do.
I love him more as time passes. I honestly never believed that was possible before Padrone. Was there life before Padrone? I feel as if I spent my entire life waiting for him, going through the motions of life with the joy in my life coming solely from motherhood.
Gratitude overwhelms me. It simply and totally overwhelms me. I adore you, my love. You are so important to me, and I cannot imagine life without you in it. I am yours in ways that are absolutely inexpressible and irrevocable. Forever, absolutely, yours.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Finally a moment to breathe. It has been a hectic, hectic couple of weeks around here! Work got incredibly busy and stressful, and I guess that the nature of the beast is that there are few people that I can trust, even to actually give me correct and complete information on how to do what I am supposed to do. Everyone has their own agenda. Maybe being self absorbed is a good thing in this kind of environment, because frankly, it is all I can do to take care of my *own* issues. I can't imagine how much time and energy it takes to plot and plan and scheme the way some of these folks I work with do. And the way they try so hard to keep "stuff" stirred between folks is just truly amazing to me. I mean really. We're all adults. Let's just go to work, do our jobs, and go back home. Who cares if I didn't smile at you this morning? Why does that mean that I am "upset with you because of