Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

i guess i take every opportunity to count my blessings, and i have many. But i usually don't simply celebrate Christmas in a traditional way, i almost always also reflect and be grateful for what i have and what i am.

What i have is two of the most wonderful kids imaginable, even if they are teenagers and sometimes forget that being me is far more than simply being their mom. What i have is a job that provides for our needs, and some of our wants as well, and hope for a better job in the foreseeable future. What i have is a home, a car, peace and contentment. What i also have is a beautiful relationship with a caring, loving, demanding, strict, understanding, controlling, easygoing, mature, fun, sadistic, tender Padrone.

What i am is a mother, something that brings me so much joy i never dreamed i would feel. i am a woman, a coworker, a friend. i am intelligent, finally learning to be confident, secure, stressed, loving, and most of the time i am mature. i am submissive, slave to my Master, respectful, obedient, caring, serving, pleasing, loving.

i can't think of anything i want, or anyone i would rather be, than what i have, and who i am.

i am blessed.

Merry Christmas, mio Padrone.

Merry Christmas, my love.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Freedom and brattiness.....not freedom TO brat

Today there have been some challenges, especially for someone who can be as scatterbrained as i am. The only one i'll mention, and that merely for the sake of explaining typos, is that my old keyboard went kaput, and it caused problems with my mouse as well, i guess because they were connected to the same port. The old keyboard i loved - it was a natural style keyboard, but i knew there was a short in the wire somewhere, and have known it for a w hile, but i don't want to spend the money on a new natural one just now, so i am using the "straight" keyboard that came with my computer when i bought it. i don't like it, mainly because it is an adjustment that i didn't want to make! It is more difficult to type on, when one is used to the curved, "natural" keyboard.


i've been thinking of a couple of things i wanted to type about here, and i'm not sure any of them will make sense...but that's not the entire point of this blog, actually.

Padrone asked me the other day, what my thoughts on submissives and loving freedom are. i elaborated a little bit, but that question made me think long and hard about some things. First, freedom as defined in the D/s world, is not the only definition that applies to submissives. i remember when Padrone first saw me - i not only was a whore, but i was proud to be able to choose when and who i scened with. i, as so many do, considered myself free...and in so many ways i was. i was responsible for my own choices, for the good or the bad. i accepted that responsiblity and i honestly think *that* is what set me apart from other submissives who consider themselves "free". Free, in terms of D/s, means nothing more than being unowned. Free does NOT mean that a submissive has a right to act in ways that are offensive, intrusive, rude, or in any other way unbecoming. Yes, i strongly believe that there is a code of ethics when it comes to this lifestyle, just as there are among people grouped for other reasons than D/s.

What do i consider true freedom? Well that has been described in many ways, and it is something that i honestly believe has to be experienced to be fully understood. But for me, freedom is in being able to release and surrender control, the control that i don't want to have in the first place, to the One who i have learned not only desires to control me as deeply as i need for Him to, but who also accepts the responsibility that comes along with that level of control. See, that, i think, is the biggest thing many submissives need to release... responsibility. i know that, ultimately, we are each responsible for our own actions, but as trust between Dom and submissive grows, so can the level of control, because the submissive will be more and more ready and eager to obey, once she knows that the Dom will not cause her harm.

For me, i can think of nothing more fulfilling than to know that i can do the things Padrone requires of me, and know that if for some reason they aren't working out, that He will take responsibility for the results and make changes so that they *do* work out. As long as i fulfill my obligation to inform Him of my circumstances, i don't have to think about more than that. It isn't my concern anymore. He wants control, He takes responsbility for the control He has, and guess what? i'm free to simply obey and do His will. Does that make me mindless, a doormat? That was my fear for a very long time....but it in no way does. What happened when i finally accepted that line of thinking and truly began to submit to Him, is that He was able to challenge me, push me, help me grow as a submissive of course, but even more as a woman - which should be every Dominant's goal in my humble opinion.

So what does that mean for those who aren't in a position to be free in that way, but who are free in the unowned way?

It means that since nobody outside herself controls her, that she MUST control herself. It means that since nobody outside herself is responsible for her actions, she MUST be responsible for her own. It means that since she has no owner to help her maintain proper behaviors, she MUST learn and accept what proper behavior is for the group she has chosen to be a part of, and she must act accordingly. If she doesn't, then she can't expect others to respect her, to accept her, and to not judge her. She will be attractive to a certain kind of Dom, but the ones who wish to own a girl, to truly own her and not just have "online jewelry"on a girl's nick....won't be attracted to her.

That brings me to another thought. i have seen in channel a couple of discussions about what it means to be a brat. There are girls who are so proud of being a brat that they put it in their descriptions, an "in your face" kind of statement that says "this is how i am, i ain't changing for nobody, so THERE!"

Now, truthfully, if a girl is smartass, disobedient, making her own choices about her own behavior, showing tremendous disrespect to most folks with a capped nick, intruding with ugly comments into ongoing scenes, and being silly and giggly just for attention.....AND states that she's proud of her behavior....what does that tell a Dominant who is looking for a submissive to own?

Being a brat is, in my opinion, nothing more than choosing to have no self control. It's hard to not type things without the motivation of making someone proud of her restraint. Is it TOO hard not to? Or is it sheer laziness that makes some folks proud of their bratty behavior? And what is funny to me is that so many of those brats want to top from the bottom when they DO find someone who wants to try with's their nature, and they were attractive enough for the Dom to "own" them, why should they bother to change now?

When bratty behavior is accepted, and encouraged, in a forum such as an IRC channel, it is detrimental to the formation of relationsips, truly D/s relationships, as well as to the channel itself. Again, this is only my opinion, nothing more. But it has been both my observations, and my experiences, that have created such an opinion.

i was very lucky in that Padrone saw beyond the image i was trying to project. i don't know how or why, and i'm not sure He would say the same. But knowing Him as i do, i do know that so many of the behaviors i exhibited aren't acceptable to Him, but He still wanted me. He saw me beyond the behaviors, and of course they wasn't by choice...but as i submitted to Him, even before being His, i finally found true freedom.

Thank You, Padrone, for helping me turn from sassy, reckless whore, into being the schiava You are proud to own....the one born to serve You....and who has chosen to do so as fully as she can.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

attitude and actions

It's been a while since i have taken the time to sit and type here, so i'm sure some folks have lost interest. That's alright, i find myself tending to type here for myself more than for any other reason. This really is a good way for me to clarify some thoughts, and even seeing things in words helps me to prioritize sometimes. Y'all have no idea the many times things are typed and deleted and i have repented within myself for attitudes that are never seen.

Maybe that's what i should type about today.

Not lately, because things have been on "auto pilot" to a degree simply because of factors in both of our lives that have prevented us from doing more than maintaining the status quo (a pretty dog-gone good status quo, i should definitely add), but there have been times, mainly when things change faster than i want them to, or when He pushes me in ways i don't want to go, that i develop a stinking rotten attitude.

Usually He never knows just how bad it is, though.

Usually i am able to type, either here or in email, and purge a lot of negative emotions before He ever sees anything i have typed. i delete all the purging things, of course. Why is that important? Many Doms and Masters say they want to know whatever their slave/sub is feeling. Padrone says that i may feel whatever i want to feel, but that it is how i behave while feeling the things that is important. So if i feel that i can't help but say negative things...even rant and rave about something.....i am allowed to do so. i'm allowed to act however i want to act. The catch is that if i act badly towards HIM, then i will be punished and rightfully so.

My point is this: one reason our relationship is strong and deep and can handle short periods of "autopilot" when necessary is because bad attitudes, His and mine, are very typically temporary - we choose to have good attitudes rather than bad ones. If i were the type to whine and complain every time something didn't go my way, or if i felt He was asking "too much" of me, or something like that....then our relationship wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. The times i FEEL that way, i usually make a choice to not ACT that way. i type and delete, or type and save and go back later and laugh at myself for the way i felt....THEN delete!

Sometimes it feels that if i don't let Him know how hard things are, that i will burst. And sometimes i go way too far in the other extreme, and i remember His desires for my life to be "interesting", and i wait until i am about to break down before i say anything about how hard things are. That happened a while back. i had changed jobs, and the new one was more demanding in some ways than the other one was. The rules that were in place were making things really difficult for me, but i wouldn't say anything to Him until i just....well, basically broke down, collapsed, i'm not sure how to word it. What did He do? He thought about what i was saying, gave me a short reprieve while He considered options, and then He came up with a creative solution that works for both of alteration to what was in place.

So what i am trying to say is that i work very hard sometimes to find the balance that works, when it comes to "attitude" and circumstances. Complaining isn't a good thing, but informing of things that are creating such a hardship that it affects my job performance, my duties as mother, or as my duty and is not complaining (even if i still view it as such, i am working to overcome it).

Even with that knowledge, it is so often HOW i word things that matters, that is as important as what i say. Even if i consider myself informing of knowledge that He should know about my circumstances, if it is said with a bad attitude, then what good does it do? Sure, i got my point across, but at what expense? If nothing else it created tension between us that is/was unnecessary.

So as i said in the beginning of this post, there are many, many things that i type that He never sees. So many things i just vent with words here or in email...."WHY did You do that? Can't You see how it hurt ME? Don't You CARE? i can't take it anymore! i can't handle this, or i can't deal with that".....and i feel that way when i'm typing it. Sometimes i feel that way when i type what He actually SEES. But the only way He would know i have an attitude that isn't what He might want me to have, is if i type words that sound more curt or formal than usual. Then He knows that i'm upset about something, even if He doesn't know what.

He also trusts that i will either calm down enough to bring it up to Him with a decent attitude, or i will get over it. If i don't, then He will ask about it, but that usually doesn't have to happen.

i have to say that long distance relationships do create the space for each of the partners to calm down and think before responding to emotional correspondence. It doesn't always happen, but usually we make that choice. That is one reason our relationship is so strong and so deep.....we choose to respect each other....and act respectfully as well.

Padrone, thank You for Your patience. You have to be the most patient man i have ever had the honor of knowing, and i am one blessed slave to belong to You. Thank You for choosing to discuss the difficult things with me. Thank You for showing Your love for me in more ways than i ever dreamed one could. Thank You, my Owner, for it all.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Just a post to let folks know i haven't disappeared or given up on my blog. There has been little time and/or energy lately to type here i'm afraid.

There has been a lot going on for both Padrone and me in the places where we live, and this blog has felt the effects of that i'm afraid.

i haven't given up, but i also have always maintained that i will only type here when i am able to, and when there is something to say. Lately neither of those have happened. :)

i do have a new rule now that i need to list here. i am to ask permission before wearing any jewelry at all now. It's hard, because although i don't wear much jewelry, when i do wear it it is usually a habit or a last minute decision to do so.

Anyway, i hope to type more here another time. This is one of the aspects of a long distance relationship, however....that each of the parties involved play a juggling act to keep their focus on each other, and on the relationship, when life where they live gets hectic.

i love You, Padrone.