Thursday, September 20, 2007

A place for a slave

There is a place....

In this place this slave is free.

In this place she loses herself, yet becomes more herself than ever before.

Here, she becomes nothing except a vessel for her Master's pleasure.

This is the place where her heart opens more than she ever dreamed possible.

It is in this place that she becomes powerful.

It is here that she freely gives that power away.

This is a place of willful surrender, of strength and of generosity.

In this place, a slave fulfills her destiny as she gives herself again...and again.

Where is this place?

This place is where Your slave's heart is, Padrone.

Your slave's place is at Your feet, in Your heart, inside Your collar.

Your slave's home is in You.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

submission and demons

Recently Padrone and i had a conversastion that made me think, as usual. He has told me before, and will tell me again i am sure, that i am different from many other slaves He has met. Usually He reiterates that statement with evidence, and it always surprises me how He sees me, because i still don't see myself as anything special outside of Him.

Anyway, this particular conversation centered around being owned by a Master who owns more than one slave. As y'all know, or may remember at least, i was in that particular situation when i first became collared. i never would have dreamed i would have been able to handle that kind of thing, much less reach the point that it didn't matter as much as i always thought it would to me. But it wasn't easy, and it isn't something i will ever willingly repeat. But i *did* not only make it through it, but i found a way to really become a better, healthier, person in the process.

That's what Padrone said, in this instance, makes me different from other slaves... because i am willing to face my demons.

Let's face it, most of what jealousy is is lack of trust - whether in the other person, or in ourselves regarding our own ability to be all that the other person needs. Lack of trust is usually a result of demons. Lack of trust is also a relationship killer, eventually.

i refused to allow my lack of trust, and the demons that created that, to kill our relationship. Whatever it took, however i had to fight them, i had no choice but to face them, not when the alternative was a relationship that was so much less than Padrone deserved from me, and i had the ability to at least attempt to change it.

See, the entire point, for me, wasn't about me and changing and becoming a better person, stronger and more confident. All i wanted to do, initially, was to become the best slave i could for the best Master there is. That was my basic motivation in the beginning, but apparently not every slave feels that way. It was one of those things that i have no choice about, to me, but apparently others choose to keep their demons hidden and their relationships not all they can be...and themselves still controlled by demons rather than their Masters.

That is what Padrone sees in me that is different from other slaves, or one thing at least, and i am quite proud to be different in this way. i owe so much to my Master, but i owe a lot of where i am, who i am, to myself and demon-fighting.

Thank You, Padrone, for showing me myself from Your perspective. That always makes me think, makes me learn even more about myself, and about You. i can be a better slave when i see myself as You see me. Thank You, Padrone.

i am completely Yours.

the Big Three

i did something i rarely do, but which i think i will do more of from now on, and that is i asked Padrone if there was a particular topic that He would like for me to write about in my blog.

The thought He mentioned was that i could write about the most basic things regarding being a slave, the "big three".... obey, serve, please. So of course i have been thinking about this since He mentioned it last night, and i have a few thoughts i would like to "flesh out" here.

The order in which i will talk about them is the order in which i think they tend to come naturally to a slave, if conditions are right for her to progress into her slavery. That, to me, is vital. If one isn't growing as a person in her slavery, and not just as a slave, then she is simply playing a role. One's slavery shouldn't be a woman's entire identity, and yet it should change and reflect the ways that she is changing as a person. Slavery is not a static thing that never changes or develops simply because one identifies herself as slave.

So, i think it is fair to say that the best Masters not only want their slave to grow as a slave, but also as a woman, even if that means that she grows away from Him. We always consider slaves as vulnerable, and we are highly vulnerable in our relationships. But what is so easily forgotten is that Masters are as well. They can't easily open up or step out of a role and be themselves, until trust is built, just as slaves can't. It is less obvious though, and so more easily overlooked.

The first thing a slave does when she enters even a casual D/s relationship, is obey. Obedience is not something that she does for her own edification, rather it is done because she identifies herself as a slave and that means that obedience is expected of her by others. This comes more easily to some people than to others, of course, and may feel more "natural" as a result. But no matter, when a girl chooses to submit, even in small ways, she is promising obedience. This is an external thing, because the expectations of her behavior come from others. One doesn't typically give orders to one's self, and therefore doesn't typically give obedience to one's self either. How "well" a slave obeys is not something that she judges either, usually, although the feedback from others helps her learn and grow and adjust her behavior accordingly, if she chooses to do so.

The first step for a slave in a D/s relationship is obedience. When many folks talk about the "gift of submission" what they are often referring to is the "gift of obedience". There is nothing wrong with that, in the least. However, it can go so much deeper than that, something not everyone understands.

As trust builds .... as the slave learns that the Master is not going to ask things of her that are unreasonable, unrealistic, unsafe, unhealthy, or otherwise dangerous for her......and as the Master learns that the slave will obey or do her very best to do so..... then they can both move forward a bit. The slave takes for granted something that is a good thing *to* take for granted - her emotional and physical safety in obeying this man. The Master takes her strive for perfection in obedience for granted. Trust is stronger than it was before, and the slave can then move forward a bit into what Padrone calls spontaneous acts of submission. She will find ways to show her submission to Him, ways that He hasn't required, or asked for. She will serve Him in ways that are more offered, than asked. She will begin to serve Him for the sake of serving Him. His pleasure will become her focus, as she learns to trust that their relationship fulfills her and meets her own needs. She will find things to please Him, ways to make His life more pleasant for owning her. She will begin to serve Him, therefore deepening her slavery, changing how she expresses herself to Him and to others.

The last of the "big three", pleasing, is one that is inherent in every slave, but which every slave i know doubts about herself. We *all* doubt that we can/will/do please our Masters. Usually this is caused from our ghosts and demons, and good Masters not only understand that, but work around that as well. It takes an unbelievable amount of work to reach the place where a slave knows...doesn't just believe, but knows with every cell of her being.....that she is pleasing to her Master. Not her behaviors, not her service, not her words, but who she is. She will then have a place in His life that nobody else could ever fill. She has reached confidence, a place she has known rarely in her life. She is pleasing her partner, simply by being who she is.

This is the equivalent of a slave's nirvana. So few ever reach this place. So few are given the opportunity to reach it. So few want to get there, because it takes going through their own personal hell, facing lifelong demons, fears, hatreds... and coming out on the other side. It's terrifying. It feels impossible. And it seems as if it never ends.

i know that i am still going through a lot of demon-facing now. But i feel so much more confident now than i ever have, even though i still wonder who i will be when i finally have exorcised all the demons. i wonder if Padrone will still want the person i am then. i know that i have been through varying degrees of hell in the past few years, but i have also been to heaven as well...

i am owned by a man who will not let me go. i finally trust that, and i can relax and learn to give Him what He so deserves, for that very fact if for no other reason. He sees me in ways that i will never see myself, but He values me so highly that i can't help but see some of the things He sees in me. Finally.

i have the support of a man who owns me so wonderfully, cares so deeply for me, sees so much in me that is there, and so much potential in me in spite of the demons and their effects....and who has made Himself vulnerable to me by encouraging my growth... because He recognizes that as i grow, i change, and change always has an element of risk. But He knows that this kind of growth makes me a better person, and He trusts and believes that it will make me a better slave as well.

Padrone, i am so honored to be Your slave, to wear Your collar, to belong to You so completely. i am proud that my obedience and my service are so pleasing to You, and that You are proud to own me.

i am forever Yours, Padrone. Grazie.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

by request

Last night Padrone and i had one of those deeply meaningful conversations, that sometimes happens and almost always surprises me by the timing of it. i mean, usually i call expecting at least a bit of use, and i also expect some conversation, some gossip, but as late as it was last night when i called, i never expected the kind of conversation that happened.

Basically, we ended up talking about my first blog post of yesterday, and that sparked His request that i at least attempt to type about some of the things i mentioned that i was having difficulty wording. So, this may be a long post, but i hope it is not too convoluted or meandering to make sense. i will do my best to keep it straightforward.

First, after thinking about this for a while, i realized that all of the topics i wanted to type about are really related, so i think i will type it as a progression of thoughts, which i believe reflects a progression of a relationship, but that's my own opinion of course.

i said yesterday that i wanted to type about the moment i peeked through the fear and saw trust. That's a rather dramatic way to word it, but it really is the most accurate portrayal of what happened. i was afraid to trust, because i couldn't handle being hurt again. Looking objectively at where we were then....there is no way i could NOT be hurt, if i let down the walls. Let's face it, i am NOT the kind of woman who is willing to share her Master, yet i had begged the Master of another woman to take me as His own as well. i was so insecure about my ability to please Him that i allowed myself to believe the shouts of my insecurities rather than the whispers of the man i loved even then. i had no idea what He expected from me, and all He would tell me when i asked was that He wanted obedience and service and to learn to please Him more. For these and so many other reasons i was too paralyzed to trust Him not to hurt me if i let down the walls.

Also, i didn't want to "lose" myself, even though i didn't particularly like myself. i know, that makes no sense, but sometimes change is terrifying, and even the bad person we think we are is a safe place to live. i, like so many other slaves, felt that if i began the surrendering process, that i would lose who i am. i feared becoming a doormat, a "yes girl". i was afraid i would do all the giving, and be expected to be happy in a relationship that is all about Him. i had heard Doms say that they honestly believe that a submissive's fulfillment comes from her service. i was so afraid that Padrone would be that kind of Dominant, and i knew that it was not true for anyone, much less for me.

As our relationship progressed, i began to see that Padrone is, as He spoke of last night, not that kind of Dominant. He 'gave back' as i gave to Him. In other words, my needs were being met, not by myself, not by my actions, but by HIM. Suddenly, i foudn the courage to begin to surrender to Him, and believe that it would be alright, safe, to do so.

As He began to see that i had truly moved beyond that black hole of fear into the light of surrendering to Him, then He was finally able to relax and.....not focus on my needs, but live what He believes, that a man who finds a woman who meets His needs, and wishes to keep her, will do all He can to meet her needs. It works so beautifully, doesn't it?

Surrender, if it is real surrender, is the difference between *being* a slave, and merely *acting* as one. It is this surrender that defines a slave, in my opinion. One can act submissively, one can submit either in a scene, or even certain areas of her life, without surrendering herself, her life, to her Master. There is nothing wrong with this at all, as long as one is honest about what she is surrendering or submitting. It is when one is dishonest (intentionally or unintentionally), that a slave is merely acting a role rather than being a slave. True surrender is what defines a slave, to me.

As i told Padrone last night, though, i believe that there are true slaves who are unowned. How can that be, if surrender is the definitive difference, and an unowned slave is not surrendered to anyone? Well, true slaves know and recognize what i am saying here, and it is the potential for deep, total surrender that lives inside them, that make them true slaves. Even new submissives, if they have a slave's heart, will burn and ache to please with everything they have, everything they are. They long to surrender. That, to me, defines slave.

Once one has realized that she truly *is* a slave, then she learns just how difficult it is, or can be, to *live* as a slave.

i was hesitant to write about this topic for a couple of reasons, but mainly because i don't want Padrone to think i am complaining about things He has set into place, especially recently. But the fact is that He announced several weeks ago that He thinks i am ready to be pushed in my slavery, and that things would be more difficult for me sometimes. Well, He has fulfilled that promise, and i am sure there is more to come as well. Part of the consequences of this decision is that His slave finds being pushed difficult at times, which is the entire point.

The bottom line is that the surrender that i spoke of at great length, means that i surrender my comfort, my convenience, my pleasure, my time, my schedule, even my sleep and attention, to my Master. i have surrendered my ease or difficulty in obeying to Him as well.

i questioned His reasoning, His timing, when He announced that i was ready to be pushed. It wasn't long after something pretty traumatic happened to me, and He was a bit distracted by things going on where He lives as well. i didn't question this to HIM, of course, but i did wonder how He came to that particular conclusion at that particular time. As usual, He seems to have been right.

What He has done is shown me a totally different meaning of surrendering to Him. But guess what. The old saying is true, submission really *is* meaningful only when it is difficult to give. i'm not sure that it can even be considered submission, if one merely submits when it is easy. Doing difficult things is a way for me to show my Master how deeply surrendered i am to Him. No, i don't always want to do those things, as a matter of fact i seldom *want* to, and if i were given a choice i would not voluntarily choose to do them.

THAT is what makes it special. My surrender reinforces His control. The more difficulty involved, the deeper the surrender required. i'm not talking about strictly sexual things of course. Sex *is* important, but just as in any relationship, it is everything else that has to work the vast majority of the time to keep things good. What works, for us, is when i am able to show Him how deeply He owns me in whatever ways He chooses, and He shows His deep appreciation to me for that.

The ultimate difficulty in being a slave is in giving up total control over every part of one's life. A Master can choose what He wishes to control, and as Padrone is proving lately, those things can, and will, change by His choice. Theoretically that sounds quite romantic, and i guess it is in a way. But tell that to me when i'm yawning and can barely keep my eyes open, and Padrone wants me to serve Him! i'll show you 'romantic' then!

If it is so difficult, why do it? Because i need to. i am driven to be His slave, the best slave for Him that i possibly can, by my very nature. And i get so much in return - more than i ever dreamed possible. He needs for parts of my life to be difficult, and in return for my fulfilling that need for Him, He meets more and more of my own, even those i would have denied having. That is what this is all about.

It is so wonderful that our needs fit together so clearly. Sometimes i have to remind myself of that - like now, when i am sitting at my computer with my ass filled as ass that is sore, tender, from being filled with a vibe for so long while we talked on the phone last night. There is absolutely NO physical, or even mental, enjoyment in this today. What there is, is the knowledge that He loves for my ass to be filled, and it is my duty to fill it as often as He says i must. Difficult? At times, of course it is. But that is a slave's life. i could live no other way. As Padrone, says so often, there is no choice for me anymore. i am deeply and irrevocably enslaved to Him now.

Padrone, thank You so much for the talk last night. i love talking with You, learning more about You, especially when You talk about Your thoughts and Your own viewpoint about what i type. My thoughts are clearly "out there", and yet i can only assume to know Yours, so often. Thank You for sharing Yourself with me, Padrone.

Monday, September 10, 2007

what i'm learning

1. Our pasts shape who we are now, no matter how those who had less-than-traumatic childhoods try to convince us otherwise.

2. Parents, especially mothers, play a more vital role in the shaping of how a child reacts to his/her environment and the people in it, than i realized.

3. Sexual molesters usually have a preferred age range for their victims, and seldom vary from it.

4. The cycle of abuse CAN be broken, but it takes acknowledging that it is happening and being forceful to the point of being obnoxious if necessary in order to protect our children from experiencing what we did.

5. Looking from another's viewpoint is NOT always a good thing. There are times when one has no choice but to focus on onesself.

6. Isolating onesself is also not a bad thing. i have always considered it bad, probably because i don't believe that any one person is an island. But i am learning that there comes a time when one has no choice but to focus on onesself (at the risk of sounding redundant).

7. Emotional walls are there for a reason. Trust is a very valuable thing to give, because along with trust comes vulnerability. Vulnerability brings the risk of being hurt, and that is something i will not risk lightly, ever again. If that means i come across as aloof, so be it.

8. That few people care about what i learn. Most folks only care if they are treated as they wish to be treated, and if one doesn't treat them in the manner to which they are accustomed (or wish to become accustomed), then they feel that they have the right to judge and condemn, no matter what is going on in one's life.

9. The only person whose opinion matters about what i am learning, and how i respond to it, is my Master.

10. i am learning, or rather re-learning, that my Master is an incredibly loving, patient man, who wants only the best for His slave, and wants her to be happy, so that she can work harder to make HIM happy.

i am lucky, blessed, fortunate, ....... loved....owned. i am Yours, Padrone. Thank You.

a few thoughts about slavery

i've actually had a lot of thoughts recently that i have wanted to type here, but i am really thinking about the direction this blog is taking as opposed to where it was intended to go when it began. i think i am way off track, and yet i am not sure what to do about it. The obvious answer is to start another blog, with different intentions, but....i'm just not interested in having that many things to keep straight. i dont' have a lot of time to spend typing in any blog, much less several.

So i guess, for now at least, i will simply type thoughts here, even if they aren't what i had originally begun this blog to reveal or discuss.

Lately i have been thinking about slavery itself, and realizing that it doesn't matter if one is long distance or if one is living with one's Master. Slavery is slavery, if one is truly a slave, and it is one of the most difficult things i have ever done.

With difficulty, comes deep fulfillment, though. Recently Padrone has been pushing me in some ways, because He loves to know that i obey even when it is difficult. He loves for me to show my surrender to Him in that way, and what makes it so deeply fulfilling for me isn't in the doing of it, or even in knowing that i am doing it simply because He wants me to. It is in the deep appreciation He shows for my surrender. When He says to me "you are the slave i was looking for, for so long"... well, of course anyone knows how that would affect me. Especially since *words* like that are rare enough to be deeply meaningful when spoken. He doesn't speak words lightly, like we Americans are prone to do.

The point is that He would have me do things that are difficult for me, no matter where i lived. Surrender is either real and total, or it isn't. He knows that i have surrendered fully to Him, so He knows that He can push me, and expect a lot of me in terms of obedience. He knows that my heart is His - and that the desire of my heart is His pleasure.

And the reason i can surrender so deeply to this man is because i finally trust that He will never hurt me, intentionally, and that if He ever did unintentionally He would be deeply remorseful. Just as my deepest pleasure is HIS pleasure, so He also loves when i am happy. He loves to make me happy - and He does in ways He doesn't even realize. This morning is a prime example, and i doubt He knows that HE is the reason i was so happy when we talked...

i called Him unexpectedly, as i do now and then but not often. Even though i use a calling card, i like to make them last as long as possible right now, for various reasons. Anyway, He was surprised to hear my voice, but even though He was about to leave, He sat down and talked with me for a few minutes. But do you know what He said? He said, "i am glad You called me." Here He was, busy and about to walk out the door.....and He is glad to hear my voice. During the conversation He commented on how happy i sounded, and how He loves for His slave to be happy. But His words... simple words of pleasure at hearing my voice.... is what made me even happier. i could hear it in His voice, not just in His words...and i know that i am loved, in ways that most people only dream about.

See, what we have discovered is the beautiful mutality of a healthy relationship. He thinks it is mostly about Him and what He wants and needs, and i work hard to meet His needs and to give Him what He wants from me. But i do those things because of what *i* get out of doing them - acceptance (which i think is the most coveted part of any healthy relationship) for who i am, even my imperfections.... appreciation for what i do, what i show, for who i that i will obey and do all i can to please....knowledge that if i can't obey, there is a very valid reason for it (unless i lose track of time and miss a text of course, but that's just being human) for my personality, not just my many things that translate into a deeply fulfilling relationship for *me* as well. i know He realizes it, but sometimes i wonder if He realizes just how much being His ... completes me.

And that, my friends, is what "love" is all about. When two people meet each other's needs so completely that they truly fit together like puzzle pieces, forming a beautiful picture called "life together"... love doesn't have to be spoken. It simply is. (Padrone, the words are still precious, so don't think i don't want to hear them anymore, please.....:) )

There are so many thoughts that i would love to talk about today. i want to talk about the sudden trust that overwhelmed me, when i peeked beyond fear. i want to talk more about what it means to be a slave, vs. acting like a slave. i want to talk about real difficulties in being a slave. i want to talk about so many things, but i can't seem to find the words that actually make sense.

Padrone, Thank You for the support that i so need right now, during this time in my life. Thank You for the understanding You have, and that You show so readily, so often. Thank You for trusting that i will never take advantage of that understanding nature, so that You are more free to show it. Thank You for things i can never put into words, especially not publicly. Thank You, Padrone, for being the Master *i* have searched for, for so long.

i love You, too, Padrone.