Thursday, March 29, 2007


Being known......past choices...history....relationships....

Present imperfections and poor choices....

Being known......being loved and respected anyway.

Being owned....being taught what that means.

Beauty is being loved in spite of all the reasons i thought i was unlovable.

Beauty is being loved because of them.

Beauty is loving deeply and fearlessly.....safely....totally.....trustingly.

Beauty is belonging to You, Padrone.

i love You.

Some clarification and continuity

The last post was very long, and it had a lot of thoughts that i felt i didn't complete. When i re-read it after several hours, it felt choppy, as if it didn't flow well together.

So i'm going to try to "flesh out" some thoughts that were stated but for which there was no follow through. i wonder if i can be called a "mind tease" for that kind of thing....hmmmmmmm.......

The first thing i noticed that i didn't finish typing my thoughts about, was the idea that Doms will have their needs met more fully in the beginning of a relationship than a submissive. i still think it is true, because a D/s relationship, especially at the beginning, is all about the Dom's needs.

i feel the need to explain something about that, because i think i typed it yesterday as if that were a bad thing! i love when a Dom's needs are met, please don't doubt that. But there are a couple of basic relationship problems that i see that can arise from that phenomenon.

The first is when the Dom never sees PAST that, and believes that everything about a relationship is *always* all about Him. That is a common mistake, easily corrected by those who are willing to admit that they are wrong and are willing to learn and change from their mistakes. It has to eventually come full circle, and the Dom has to eventually focus on meeting the needs of His submissive as well, or the relationship is unbalanced. An unbalanced relationship is VERY difficult to maintain.

As Padrone eventually started saying, when He would go out of His way to surprise me, or to make me happy in one of the multitude of ways He does... a happy slave serves better. Initially, just being WANTED enough to wear a collar makes a slave happy. That's not a permanent situation, as i discussed pretty thoroughly when i talked about submissives' needs. Emotional security, feeling needed, and knowing that she is pleasing doesn't just happen when a collar is put around her neck. There is no such thing as "instant contentment, just add collar". It takes work. Lots of work. And before a couple can work on it, they have to have a deep commitment to each other.

And that is the other problem that i mentioned about Doms having their needs met more than submissives in the beginning of relationships...the commitment to meeting needs can become stronger on the part of the submissive than the Dom. If a Dom finds a submissive who craves His pleasure more deeply than anything else, then He may become complacent, He may take her submission for granted, her commitment to Him and to their relationship. That may make Him feel that whatever He does, she will accept because He can do as He pleases......she lives for His pleasure, doesn't she? That can be either an arrogantly deliberate attitude, or it can be a misunderstanding, or maybe both at different times. And it isn't bad now and then. The problem arises when it is the only attitude He has towards her, and He forgets His consideration for her physical or emotional state of being, using the excuse "it's for my pleasure, and that's all that matters"....and forgets His commitment to her as Dom.

The framework that i mentioned that is such a needed, comforting, freeing thing for a submissive, is NOT a framework built on nothing more than "i want this, do it". It may seem that way at times, but i do know that the more a couple gets to know one another, the more comfortable the structure becomes, for both of them. i don't know exactly why each of my rules is in place. But i do know that He has a good reason for them, or they wouldn't be there. The framework that defines my life is unique for me, and for my life. It wouldn't work for anyone else, because nobody else lives in my life, has my personality, has my desires and my needs, and my limitations, etc.

But it is what makes this long distance relationship work, more than anything else. The rules are put into place at the right times, never at a time when i feel totally overwhelmed by them. He allows them to truly become part of my life, habit, before adding more. He has dropped some, and added others to replace them, if i was struggling with them or something. That doesn't happen anymore, since He knows me well now, and He respects me enough that He has even asked if i think i can do something that He knows will be very difficult, before He said "alright, it's a rule". He also allows me to ask questions and get as much instruction as i feel i need, giving me as much possibility to succeed as He can give without doing it Himself (grin). The respect that shows me is amazing, and it is something that i know from experience doesn't happen often.

And the last thing about a framework that i want to say, is how it allows me the freedom to truly be myself, the slave i am. Some will understand what i mean by that, but some will think - how can following a bunch of rules help one be a slave? i have thought about that myself, actually, which won't surprise many of you who know me! i have discovered that, for me, it is more a defining of expected behaviors that i need and appreciate and thrive under, than anything else. If i am told what is expected of me, i will strive to my fullest, to a fault, to meet those expectations. The framework i have in place has daily expectations, and some that aren't daily but which are still there. That allows me to give all i can give in the way He wants me to give it. It also frees me from being responsible to control my own behaviors, or to guess what He wants. If He tells me how He expects me to behave, then the responsibility for the results of my behavior becomes His. If i misbehave, He becomes responsible for punishing me. If i consistently fail to meet expectations, He is responsible for discovering if the reason lies in me, or in His expectations themselves. That freedom from responsibility allows me to turn my thoughts to obedience and creativity, and more and different ways to please Him. It's a freeing thing, the framework.

So, i'm not sure i explained anything any better this morning than i had before, but there it is anyway. i have so many other thoughts, some that kind of flow from these, but some are strictly inexpressible and i just have to resign myself to that fact i guess. i hope i don't confuse folks TOO badly, but y'all know where to find me if i

Padrone, after last night, words still seem ..... superfluous. You have such a way of expressing Yourself.....and i can say only.....i'm Yours. i'm simply, profoundly, Yours.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


So many thoughts, so few words. Yes, even *i* sometimes have difficulty putting thoughts into words, believe it or not.

i stated that Padrone and i have had a deepening of relationship lately. We've talked about a lot of things, and even without words, things have strengthened and intensified. i doubt i can word what i want to coherently, especially in one post, but we will see, won't we?

i have about 3 separate thought trains going on in my mind, so i am not at all sure what will emerge here, so please bear with me. i think i will go in chronological order, in terms of when thoughts popped into my mind. So here goes nothing...only the first one today, though....

First, i began to think about a conversation i had with another submissive not too long ago, regarding the fact that rules in a relationship provide a framework for a submissive to live her life in...and the importance of it. Sometimes it is easy for submissives to speak with one another about this kind of thing because there is usually an understanding between them, a recognition of the emotion or concept being discussed that allows fewer words, fewer attempts to explain what can seem inexplicable.

What basically struck me about that conversation enough to keep it "running" in the back of my mind, escaped me for a long time. Finally, i think, it hit me....basically what happens in a healthy D/s relationship is that the needs of both partners are met as deeply as the partners are willing to meet them for one another.

Now, that sounds like a contradiction to many, i know. Actually, one of the first things that caused me problems in my relationship with Padrone was His insistence that it is all about Him - His needs, His desires, His availability, etc. Now we all know how unrealistic that is, but it was the goal for the relationship. Guess what. i didn't like hearing it, not one little bit. Why not? Because i had always been taught that the submissive has the "real" power in any relationship, and while i rebelled against that thought in principle, in actions it was always true. The Doms i had served GAVE me that power, however. (That's for another time...i'm not opening that particular can of worms today, it's too early!)

What's my point? Well, that sometimes it takes a long time for a Dom or Master to really understand His slave, and in the meantime He may be getting needs met that she isn't. Why? Because no Dom or Master who has a hope of retaining a slave, will throw a ton of rules at her right off the bat, no matter how she begs for them. So yes, He may get His need to control met, and that's a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong! i'm all for Masters who get their needs met!

My point is, and it sounds as if i am lobbying for submissive's rights here i know, but the point is that everyone has needs. Even slaves. And as humans, if our needs aren't met, then we won't have the ability to meet another's needs. i used to use the analogy that i can't give what i don't have TO give. It's a selfish thing, i guess, but it is basic human nature. An empty cup can't overflow.

i remember well a time that i have talked about often here, and can't quite explain very well. There are three very defined time frames to our relationship. One is what i call "before". That is simply when Padrone owned two slaves, and before i made a choice to be total slave, no matter what. Then there was "after" - the time He still owned both of us, but when she simply became.....unimportant to me because she was unimportant to our relationship. Then, of course, there has been the time since she was released, which has been.......well, if y'all don't know by now, nothing i can say will ever describe it.

The moment of definition, the moment of separation between "before" and "after", is a moment i am never able to describe. That moment is when i chose to .... give up the meeting of my needs, to Padrone. In other words, i gave Him my needs...and began to trust that He would and could meet them, and that He wanted to, that He cared about me enough to want them met, and that He wanted me to be happy belonging to Him, so that i could make HIM happy to own me. He was reiterating His ownership in that conversations, in a way that was compelling, drawing me to submit more deeply than i ever had, more deeply than i really had chosen to do.

Why did i do that? Mainly it was a flashing revelation of two things: 1) that the only way we could even begin to be fully happy with each other was if i gave Him what He wanted and needed from me - control...and 2) that what was possible between us was more than i had ever dreamed possible between anyone, and the only way to allow the possibility to become reality was to let go of myself, to give Him all i can give Him. At that moment it wasn't that much, truthfully, but it opened a door that has slowly and gradually opened wider and wider until He owns me more fully than anyone can ever know.

i could do that, only because He had met needs for me prior to that critical time. The framework i mentioned was being built, slowly, brick upon brick, framing my life...not "a slave's" life, but MY life, as He wanted me to live it. THAT is what a good Master does for His slave, y'all. He shapes her daily life, thereby shaping her thoughts and actions, into what He wants her to be, the way He wants her to live. But first, He has to know her. He has to know her life, her personality, her circumstances, her limitations, her desires, her dislikes, her needs. He can't just....randomly say "here is your list of rules, you will be punished for not obeying them all." i mean, if Padrone had told me to do something that would endanger my relationship with my kids, i would never have done it, no matter how obedient i am...and no matter the punishment it entailed. But His consideration for building the framework for my life, included deep respect for my circumstances where i live, not only with my kids, but with my neighbors and friends as well.

But it is also a fair and true statement to say that slaves share common needs. i think i'll try to define them, and share them here.

Slave's needs, as i see them:

1. Emotional security. This is vital, no matter what kind of relationship she is in, or even if she is currently not in a relationship. She must feel worthwhile and respected, and safe to be herself.

For most slaves, that security has to come from an external source first, because so many of us have been abused or mistreated (usually as a result of being submissive). This constant need for reassurance of worth is something that can frustrate Doms, i know, but it inhibits potential for the relationship if it isn't given.

From personal experience, i found that i need it less, the more it was freely given. i used to ask for it, and the guilt and sorrow i felt for "failing" to internalize what had been said, or what my collar meant, was as heavy a weight on me as the need for reassurance. i guess Padrone finally realized that i wouldn't ask for it if i didn't truly need it (He came to trust that i didn't just want to hear words, but that words were important too, when my silliness made me misinterpret actions, or look over them, or something). And He also realized that i don't see His openness as weakness, that i truly do view that as a gift He gives....not lightly, not easily, but He chooses to open His heart to me. Who could NOT treasure such a precious trust?

Anyway, trust, openness, security....those things aren't things that can happen at the beginning of a relationship. They have to grow, slowly, like an oak tree from an acorn. And more than anything, each partner HAS to have the emotional maturity to understand that nobody, no one person, can meet another's needs all the time, every need. There are no princes on white horses, or "Calgon Doms" who will "take us away". It takes time - collars don't come with emotional safety nets conveniently attached.

2. Need to be needed. THIS is similar to the security need, but it is distinctively separate in some ways. i remember when Padrone owned both of us. i used to doubt myself, because of several factors, but i used to wonder why He needed me. i knew that He did or i wouldn't wear His collar, but when i allowed myself to follow those kinds of thoughts, i would think - He's got a slave He cares about already. He's got her submission. He already uses her (i always used to think He liked the way i scened and not much more about me. i was a wreck. Maybe one day i'll tell more about that time.) He doesn't really need me, i meet no needs for Him, i am just here when she's not, and ..... well, y'all kind of know the rest i guess. Silliness to the extreme, but uncontrollable at that point. The defining moment that i talk about was one of understanding that i was, and am, needed deeply. What an incredible feeling!

3. Need to please. This isn't a need to serve, as so many assume, especially Dominants. No, i have no driving need to be gagged and bound, believe me. i have no need to be a table. i have no need to know that any time a Dom wants me to give a bj, all He has to do is ask for one. i have no burning need to wear belled nipple clamps and greet folks when they enter channel. And no, i have no need to bring a drink or be a maid or perform any other kind of service.

But i do need to please Padrone. i need that deeply, to my very core. i need to know that He is pleased when i offer to hold His ashtray in channel. i need to know that He loves when i try so hard to find ways to serve Him in His favorite ways. i need to see Him smile when i kiss His feet, and i need to feel His gentle touch in my hair when i have drool running down my face and have a hard time keeping my balance on my knees. i need to know that *i* please Him. i need to know that He is deeply happy to own me, not just to have my obedience. And i do know that. And yes, it makes me eager to find more ways to serve Him, but that stems NOT from serving, but from knowing that my service pleases Him.

There are more, i know. But if Dominants can understand these basic needs, and if slaves will learn self control and not expect the first Dom to show them attention to meet their needs, then more and more relationships would last, and be more stable and secure as well.

i didn't mean to turn this into a lecture, believe me. And there are many more thoughts that are rambling around in my poor brain, that i want to type here soon. The deepening of things between Padrone and me....i really would like to try to type about that, but i'm not really sure what to say, or if i can even describe it. i will try, though.

Padrone, i know You worry that my posts here make You seem like some....super Dom or something, perfect and unrealistic. And i know that You aren't perfect by any means, although i do feel that You are perfect for me.

My gratitude grows, Padrone, as i look back and see things in different ways. Things i knew, like the way You laid the foundation for my life, one brick at a time, one rule at a time. But sometimes looking back, i gain a new understanding of what You did, and why. And while i know it really IS all about You, the respect You have always shown me is the thing i am most grateful for. You have the ability that few do have, from my experience...the ability to combine respect, understanding, and expectations in a realistic, yet firm, way. i am lucky to belong to You, i have said it a thousand times, and i will say it until i know You will tire of hearing it. i am so blessed.

Sono la schiava del Padrone. i am Your slave, in all the ways we both understand being Your slave to mean. Thank You, Padrone, for being my Master.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Surprising surprise

Alright, since it has been quite some time since i have typed here, i will begin with an update on my injury.

i got hurt at work, no details...just too complicated to describe. At first they thought it was a strained rotator cuff, but after two weeks of only sporadic improvement and a physical therapy evaluation that indicated tear rather than strain, it's been determined that i have, indeed, torn my rotator cuff. No definitive diagnosis can be made without an MRI of course, but the doctor is confident that there is a tear. It is apparently (and hopefully) minimal, though. The course of treatment is a conservative one - physical therapy and time. i hope it works, because the next step is surgery. Ugh.

Today there was a slight incident that aggravated it, and increased the pain level a bit, but i am still very hopeful that it will respond well to the PT and that no knives will be used, and no offense to those who enjoy knife play!

Now...the topic that has been on my mind tonight....

Lately things have been changing for Padrone and me, and i will talk about that more specifically at another time. But it has been.....truly unbelievable, the things that have changed, deepened, for us. So tonight when we were in channel, we were interacting in the way that we have lately, privately. It was an ongoing type of thing, i was serving Him in my posture, by wearing both a gag and having my arms bound behind my back, and by wearing a butt plug. i was given a task very soon upon His entrance, that served to put me into an even more submissive mindset than usual. i was so focused on the task....and Him.....His control......His was purely natural, very intense, and something that was typical for us lately.

It lasted quite some time, my displays of devotion, of submission, and His appreciation of it through the granting of orgasms. It probably was over an hour....maybe even two, come to think of it. i am not sure though. It kind of came to a climax itself with fiery pain following such intense pleasure.

Then He released me from both the gag and the manacles on my arms, and let me snuggle with Him.

What i found surprising, but which i realize shouldn't have, was a comment made in channel afterwards, and i have no idea who said it (as if that mattered anyway)....but it was something to the effect of "nice scene Franti Sir and titty{F}".

Nice scene?

Yes, to so many it had to have been merely a scene. To many it had to have been a form of playacting, of a channel drama, an expression of D/s to a degree, but for public consumption. i am surprised, now, that those words *did* surprise me, because not everyone knows that we live what we are...

For us, it was nothing more than an expression of who we are, and how we interact. For us, it was life, and how we live it. For us, it was an extension of the increased intensity, the deepening D/s interaction, that has been exploding in our relationship lately. For was....Padrone and schiava, as we were meant to be.

Padrone, You know that i have no words for what is happening lately. You know my heart, my gratitude. You know how i feel about You, about being Yours. And You know that my love deepens with every jewel You give me, every gem in my crown of ownership. i don't know what force brought us together, but i am forever grateful. i am Yours, as only You understand i can be.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

short update

Well, quite a bit has happened since my last post, but i am afraid that i won't be able to type about a lot of it. Y'all will know why later in this post.

A brief overview: Wonderful use, beautiful closeness, a time of silliness by this slave, reassurance by her Master in a deeply meaningful way, more intense use, freedom to express submission in the ways He most loves, work, and finally an injury at work that has prevented me from doing some pretty basic activities.

Bottom line is that my feelings are more and more submissive, but my actions are so very restricted that i can't obey some of my rules for now, and pain and medication make me all emotional. Pretty typical for this schiava, i would say.

Anyway, there may be a forced haitus from this blog for a few days....probably not very noticeable since i don't type daily anyway. But i wanted y'all to know that i won't be typing much, if any, over the next few days.

i'm going to do the most submissive thing i can do, even though it feels so selfish, and take very good care of myself. i want to heal as quickly as possible, and go back to obeying every rule to the fullest.

And yes, Padrone is wonderful through this, as i am sure everyone expected Him to be. He is patient and concerned and worried and relieved that i am feeling a bit better, and understands and has tried to help ME gain the understanding, that my primary focus right now should be on recovering. He deserves for me to be the best slave possible, and i can only do that if i am healthy. See, Padrone? i can learn!

Thank You, Padrone, for once more showing Your care for Your property, Your slave, Your woman.