Needs

So many thoughts, so few words. Yes, even *i* sometimes have difficulty putting thoughts into words, believe it or not.

i stated that Padrone and i have had a deepening of relationship lately. We've talked about a lot of things, and even without words, things have strengthened and intensified. i doubt i can word what i want to coherently, especially in one post, but we will see, won't we?

i have about 3 separate thought trains going on in my mind, so i am not at all sure what will emerge here, so please bear with me. i think i will go in chronological order, in terms of when thoughts popped into my mind. So here goes nothing...only the first one today, though....

First, i began to think about a conversation i had with another submissive not too long ago, regarding the fact that rules in a relationship provide a framework for a submissive to live her life in...and the importance of it. Sometimes it is easy for submissives to speak with one another about this kind of thing because there is usually an understanding between them, a recognition of the emotion or concept being discussed that allows fewer words, fewer attempts to explain what can seem inexplicable.

What basically struck me about that conversation enough to keep it "running" in the back of my mind, escaped me for a long time. Finally, i think, it hit me....basically what happens in a healthy D/s relationship is that the needs of both partners are met as deeply as the partners are willing to meet them for one another.

Now, that sounds like a contradiction to many, i know. Actually, one of the first things that caused me problems in my relationship with Padrone was His insistence that it is all about Him - His needs, His desires, His availability, etc. Now we all know how unrealistic that is, but it was the goal for the relationship. Guess what. i didn't like hearing it, not one little bit. Why not? Because i had always been taught that the submissive has the "real" power in any relationship, and while i rebelled against that thought in principle, in actions it was always true. The Doms i had served GAVE me that power, however. (That's for another time...i'm not opening that particular can of worms today, it's too early!)

What's my point? Well, that sometimes it takes a long time for a Dom or Master to really understand His slave, and in the meantime He may be getting needs met that she isn't. Why? Because no Dom or Master who has a hope of retaining a slave, will throw a ton of rules at her right off the bat, no matter how she begs for them. So yes, He may get His need to control met, and that's a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong! i'm all for Masters who get their needs met!

My point is, and it sounds as if i am lobbying for submissive's rights here i know, but the point is that everyone has needs. Even slaves. And as humans, if our needs aren't met, then we won't have the ability to meet another's needs. i used to use the analogy that i can't give what i don't have TO give. It's a selfish thing, i guess, but it is basic human nature. An empty cup can't overflow.

i remember well a time that i have talked about often here, and can't quite explain very well. There are three very defined time frames to our relationship. One is what i call "before". That is simply when Padrone owned two slaves, and before i made a choice to be total slave, no matter what. Then there was "after" - the time He still owned both of us, but when she simply became.....unimportant to me because she was unimportant to our relationship. Then, of course, there has been the time since she was released, which has been.......well, if y'all don't know by now, nothing i can say will ever describe it.

The moment of definition, the moment of separation between "before" and "after", is a moment i am never able to describe. That moment is when i chose to .... give up the meeting of my needs, to Padrone. In other words, i gave Him my needs...and began to trust that He would and could meet them, and that He wanted to, that He cared about me enough to want them met, and that He wanted me to be happy belonging to Him, so that i could make HIM happy to own me. He was reiterating His ownership in that conversations, in a way that was compelling, drawing me to submit more deeply than i ever had, more deeply than i really had chosen to do.

Why did i do that? Mainly it was a flashing revelation of two things: 1) that the only way we could even begin to be fully happy with each other was if i gave Him what He wanted and needed from me - control...and 2) that what was possible between us was more than i had ever dreamed possible between anyone, and the only way to allow the possibility to become reality was to let go of myself, to give Him all i can give Him. At that moment it wasn't that much, truthfully, but it opened a door that has slowly and gradually opened wider and wider until He owns me more fully than anyone can ever know.

i could do that, only because He had met needs for me prior to that critical time. The framework i mentioned was being built, slowly, brick upon brick, framing my life...not "a slave's" life, but MY life, as He wanted me to live it. THAT is what a good Master does for His slave, y'all. He shapes her daily life, thereby shaping her thoughts and actions, into what He wants her to be, the way He wants her to live. But first, He has to know her. He has to know her life, her personality, her circumstances, her limitations, her desires, her dislikes, her needs. He can't just....randomly say "here is your list of rules, you will be punished for not obeying them all." i mean, if Padrone had told me to do something that would endanger my relationship with my kids, i would never have done it, no matter how obedient i am...and no matter the punishment it entailed. But His consideration for building the framework for my life, included deep respect for my circumstances where i live, not only with my kids, but with my neighbors and friends as well.

But it is also a fair and true statement to say that slaves share common needs. i think i'll try to define them, and share them here.

Slave's needs, as i see them:

1. Emotional security. This is vital, no matter what kind of relationship she is in, or even if she is currently not in a relationship. She must feel worthwhile and respected, and safe to be herself.

For most slaves, that security has to come from an external source first, because so many of us have been abused or mistreated (usually as a result of being submissive). This constant need for reassurance of worth is something that can frustrate Doms, i know, but it inhibits potential for the relationship if it isn't given.

From personal experience, i found that i need it less, the more it was freely given. i used to ask for it, and the guilt and sorrow i felt for "failing" to internalize what had been said, or what my collar meant, was as heavy a weight on me as the need for reassurance. i guess Padrone finally realized that i wouldn't ask for it if i didn't truly need it (He came to trust that i didn't just want to hear words, but that words were important too, when my silliness made me misinterpret actions, or look over them, or something). And He also realized that i don't see His openness as weakness, that i truly do view that as a gift He gives....not lightly, not easily, but He chooses to open His heart to me. Who could NOT treasure such a precious trust?

Anyway, trust, openness, security....those things aren't things that can happen at the beginning of a relationship. They have to grow, slowly, like an oak tree from an acorn. And more than anything, each partner HAS to have the emotional maturity to understand that nobody, no one person, can meet another's needs all the time, every need. There are no princes on white horses, or "Calgon Doms" who will "take us away". It takes time - collars don't come with emotional safety nets conveniently attached.

2. Need to be needed. THIS is similar to the security need, but it is distinctively separate in some ways. i remember when Padrone owned both of us. i used to doubt myself, because of several factors, but i used to wonder why He needed me. i knew that He did or i wouldn't wear His collar, but when i allowed myself to follow those kinds of thoughts, i would think - He's got a slave He cares about already. He's got her submission. He already uses her (i always used to think He liked the way i scened and not much more about me. i was a wreck. Maybe one day i'll tell more about that time.) He doesn't really need me, i meet no needs for Him, i am just here when she's not, and ..... well, y'all kind of know the rest i guess. Silliness to the extreme, but uncontrollable at that point. The defining moment that i talk about was one of understanding that i was, and am, needed deeply. What an incredible feeling!

3. Need to please. This isn't a need to serve, as so many assume, especially Dominants. No, i have no driving need to be gagged and bound, believe me. i have no need to be a table. i have no need to know that any time a Dom wants me to give a bj, all He has to do is ask for one. i have no burning need to wear belled nipple clamps and greet folks when they enter channel. And no, i have no need to bring a drink or be a maid or perform any other kind of service.

But i do need to please Padrone. i need that deeply, to my very core. i need to know that He is pleased when i offer to hold His ashtray in channel. i need to know that He loves when i try so hard to find ways to serve Him in His favorite ways. i need to see Him smile when i kiss His feet, and i need to feel His gentle touch in my hair when i have drool running down my face and have a hard time keeping my balance on my knees. i need to know that *i* please Him. i need to know that He is deeply happy to own me, not just to have my obedience. And i do know that. And yes, it makes me eager to find more ways to serve Him, but that stems NOT from serving, but from knowing that my service pleases Him.

There are more, i know. But if Dominants can understand these basic needs, and if slaves will learn self control and not expect the first Dom to show them attention to meet their needs, then more and more relationships would last, and be more stable and secure as well.

i didn't mean to turn this into a lecture, believe me. And there are many more thoughts that are rambling around in my poor brain, that i want to type here soon. The deepening of things between Padrone and me....i really would like to try to type about that, but i'm not really sure what to say, or if i can even describe it. i will try, though.

Padrone, i know You worry that my posts here make You seem like some....super Dom or something, perfect and unrealistic. And i know that You aren't perfect by any means, although i do feel that You are perfect for me.

My gratitude grows, Padrone, as i look back and see things in different ways. Things i knew, like the way You laid the foundation for my life, one brick at a time, one rule at a time. But sometimes looking back, i gain a new understanding of what You did, and why. And while i know it really IS all about You, the respect You have always shown me is the thing i am most grateful for. You have the ability that few do have, from my experience...the ability to combine respect, understanding, and expectations in a realistic, yet firm, way. i am lucky to belong to You, i have said it a thousand times, and i will say it until i know You will tire of hearing it. i am so blessed.

Sono la schiava del Padrone. i am Your slave, in all the ways we both understand being Your slave to mean. Thank You, Padrone, for being my Master.