Merry Christmas

i guess i take every opportunity to count my blessings, and i have many. But i usually don't simply celebrate Christmas in a traditional way, i almost always also reflect and be grateful for what i have and what i am.

What i have is two of the most wonderful kids imaginable, even if they are teenagers and sometimes forget that being me is far more than simply being their mom. What i have is a job that provides for our needs, and some of our wants as well, and hope for a better job in the foreseeable future. What i have is a home, a car, peace and contentment. What i also have is a beautiful relationship with a caring, loving, demanding, strict, understanding, controlling, easygoing, mature, fun, sadistic, tender Padrone.

What i am is a mother, something that brings me so much joy i never dreamed i would feel. i am a woman, a coworker, a friend. i am intelligent, finally learning to be confident, secure, stressed, loving, and most of the time i am mature. i am submissive, slave to my Master, respectful, obedient, caring, serving, pleasing, loving.

i can't think of anything i want, or anyone i would rather be, than what i have, and who i am.

i am blessed.

Merry Christmas, mio Padrone.

Merry Christmas, my love.

Freedom and brattiness.....not freedom TO brat

Today there have been some challenges, especially for someone who can be as scatterbrained as i am. The only one i'll mention, and that merely for the sake of explaining typos, is that my old keyboard went kaput, and it caused problems with my mouse as well, i guess because they were connected to the same port. The old keyboard i loved - it was a natural style keyboard, but i knew there was a short in the wire somewhere, and have known it for a w hile, but i don't want to spend the money on a new natural one just now, so i am using the "straight" keyboard that came with my computer when i bought it. i don't like it, mainly because it is an adjustment that i didn't want to make! It is more difficult to type on, when one is used to the curved, "natural" keyboard.

Anyway.......

i've been thinking of a couple of things i wanted to type about here, and i'm not sure any of them will make sense...but that's not the entire point of this blog, actually.

Padrone asked me the other day, what my thoughts on submissives and loving freedom are. i elaborated a little bit, but that question made me think long and hard about some things. First, freedom as defined in the D/s world, is not the only definition that applies to submissives. i remember when Padrone first saw me - i not only was a whore, but i was proud to be able to choose when and who i scened with. i, as so many do, considered myself free...and in so many ways i was. i was responsible for my own choices, for the good or the bad. i accepted that responsiblity and i honestly think *that* is what set me apart from other submissives who consider themselves "free". Free, in terms of D/s, means nothing more than being unowned. Free does NOT mean that a submissive has a right to act in ways that are offensive, intrusive, rude, or in any other way unbecoming. Yes, i strongly believe that there is a code of ethics when it comes to this lifestyle, just as there are among people grouped for other reasons than D/s.

What do i consider true freedom? Well that has been described in many ways, and it is something that i honestly believe has to be experienced to be fully understood. But for me, freedom is in being able to release and surrender control, the control that i don't want to have in the first place, to the One who i have learned not only desires to control me as deeply as i need for Him to, but who also accepts the responsibility that comes along with that level of control. See, that, i think, is the biggest thing many submissives need to release... responsibility. i know that, ultimately, we are each responsible for our own actions, but as trust between Dom and submissive grows, so can the level of control, because the submissive will be more and more ready and eager to obey, once she knows that the Dom will not cause her harm.

For me, i can think of nothing more fulfilling than to know that i can do the things Padrone requires of me, and know that if for some reason they aren't working out, that He will take responsibility for the results and make changes so that they *do* work out. As long as i fulfill my obligation to inform Him of my circumstances, i don't have to think about more than that. It isn't my concern anymore. He wants control, He takes responsbility for the control He has, and guess what? i'm free to simply obey and do His will. Does that make me mindless, a doormat? That was my fear for a very long time....but it in no way does. What happened when i finally accepted that line of thinking and truly began to submit to Him, is that He was able to challenge me, push me, help me grow as a submissive of course, but even more as a woman - which should be every Dominant's goal in my humble opinion.

So what does that mean for those who aren't in a position to be free in that way, but who are free in the unowned way?

It means that since nobody outside herself controls her, that she MUST control herself. It means that since nobody outside herself is responsible for her actions, she MUST be responsible for her own. It means that since she has no owner to help her maintain proper behaviors, she MUST learn and accept what proper behavior is for the group she has chosen to be a part of, and she must act accordingly. If she doesn't, then she can't expect others to respect her, to accept her, and to not judge her. She will be attractive to a certain kind of Dom, but the ones who wish to own a girl, to truly own her and not just have "online jewelry"on a girl's nick....won't be attracted to her.

That brings me to another thought. i have seen in channel a couple of discussions about what it means to be a brat. There are girls who are so proud of being a brat that they put it in their descriptions, an "in your face" kind of statement that says "this is how i am, i ain't changing for nobody, so THERE!"

Now, truthfully, if a girl is smartass, disobedient, making her own choices about her own behavior, showing tremendous disrespect to most folks with a capped nick, intruding with ugly comments into ongoing scenes, and being silly and giggly just for attention.....AND states that she's proud of her behavior....what does that tell a Dominant who is looking for a submissive to own?

Being a brat is, in my opinion, nothing more than choosing to have no self control. It's hard to not type things without the motivation of making someone proud of her restraint. Is it TOO hard not to? Or is it sheer laziness that makes some folks proud of their bratty behavior? And what is funny to me is that so many of those brats want to top from the bottom when they DO find someone who wants to try with them....it's their nature, and they were attractive enough for the Dom to "own" them, why should they bother to change now?

When bratty behavior is accepted, and encouraged, in a forum such as an IRC channel, it is detrimental to the formation of relationsips, truly D/s relationships, as well as to the channel itself. Again, this is only my opinion, nothing more. But it has been both my observations, and my experiences, that have created such an opinion.

i was very lucky in that Padrone saw beyond the image i was trying to project. i don't know how or why, and i'm not sure He would say the same. But knowing Him as i do, i do know that so many of the behaviors i exhibited aren't acceptable to Him, but He still wanted me. He saw me beyond the behaviors, and of course they changed......it wasn't by choice...but as i submitted to Him, even before being His, i finally found true freedom.

Thank You, Padrone, for helping me turn from sassy, reckless whore, into being the schiava You are proud to own....the one born to serve You....and who has chosen to do so as fully as she can.

attitude and actions

It's been a while since i have taken the time to sit and type here, so i'm sure some folks have lost interest. That's alright, i find myself tending to type here for myself more than for any other reason. This really is a good way for me to clarify some thoughts, and even seeing things in words helps me to prioritize sometimes. Y'all have no idea the many times things are typed and deleted and i have repented within myself for attitudes that are never seen.

Maybe that's what i should type about today.

Not lately, because things have been on "auto pilot" to a degree simply because of factors in both of our lives that have prevented us from doing more than maintaining the status quo (a pretty dog-gone good status quo, i should definitely add), but there have been times, mainly when things change faster than i want them to, or when He pushes me in ways i don't want to go, that i develop a stinking rotten attitude.

Usually He never knows just how bad it is, though.

Usually i am able to type, either here or in email, and purge a lot of negative emotions before He ever sees anything i have typed. i delete all the purging things, of course. Why is that important? Many Doms and Masters say they want to know whatever their slave/sub is feeling. Padrone says that i may feel whatever i want to feel, but that it is how i behave while feeling the things that is important. So if i feel that i can't help but say negative things...even rant and rave about something.....i am allowed to do so. i'm allowed to act however i want to act. The catch is that if i act badly towards HIM, then i will be punished and rightfully so.

My point is this: one reason our relationship is strong and deep and can handle short periods of "autopilot" when necessary is because bad attitudes, His and mine, are very typically temporary - we choose to have good attitudes rather than bad ones. If i were the type to whine and complain every time something didn't go my way, or if i felt He was asking "too much" of me, or something like that....then our relationship wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. The times i FEEL that way, i usually make a choice to not ACT that way. i type and delete, or type and save and go back later and laugh at myself for the way i felt....THEN delete!

Sometimes it feels that if i don't let Him know how hard things are, that i will burst. And sometimes i go way too far in the other extreme, and i remember His desires for my life to be "interesting", and i wait until i am about to break down before i say anything about how hard things are. That happened a while back. i had changed jobs, and the new one was more demanding in some ways than the other one was. The rules that were in place were making things really difficult for me, but i wouldn't say anything to Him until i just....well, basically broke down, collapsed, i'm not sure how to word it. What did He do? He thought about what i was saying, gave me a short reprieve while He considered options, and then He came up with a creative solution that works for both of us....an alteration to what was in place.

So what i am trying to say is that i work very hard sometimes to find the balance that works, when it comes to "attitude" and circumstances. Complaining isn't a good thing, but informing of things that are creating such a hardship that it affects my job performance, my duties as mother, or as slave....is my duty and is not complaining (even if i still view it as such, i am working to overcome it).

Even with that knowledge, it is so often HOW i word things that matters, that is as important as what i say. Even if i consider myself informing of knowledge that He should know about my circumstances, if it is said with a bad attitude, then what good does it do? Sure, i got my point across, but at what expense? If nothing else it created tension between us that is/was unnecessary.

So as i said in the beginning of this post, there are many, many things that i type that He never sees. So many things i just vent with words here or in email...."WHY did You do that? Can't You see how it hurt ME? Don't You CARE? i can't take it anymore! i can't handle this, or i can't deal with that".....and i feel that way when i'm typing it. Sometimes i feel that way when i type what He actually SEES. But the only way He would know i have an attitude that isn't what He might want me to have, is if i type words that sound more curt or formal than usual. Then He knows that i'm upset about something, even if He doesn't know what.

He also trusts that i will either calm down enough to bring it up to Him with a decent attitude, or i will get over it. If i don't, then He will ask about it, but that usually doesn't have to happen.

i have to say that long distance relationships do create the space for each of the partners to calm down and think before responding to emotional correspondence. It doesn't always happen, but usually we make that choice. That is one reason our relationship is so strong and so deep.....we choose to respect each other....and act respectfully as well.

Padrone, thank You for Your patience. You have to be the most patient man i have ever had the honor of knowing, and i am one blessed slave to belong to You. Thank You for choosing to discuss the difficult things with me. Thank You for showing Your love for me in more ways than i ever dreamed one could. Thank You, my Owner, for it all.

Just a post to let folks know i haven't disappeared or given up on my blog. There has been little time and/or energy lately to type here i'm afraid.

There has been a lot going on for both Padrone and me in the places where we live, and this blog has felt the effects of that i'm afraid.

i haven't given up, but i also have always maintained that i will only type here when i am able to, and when there is something to say. Lately neither of those have happened. :)

i do have a new rule now that i need to list here. i am to ask permission before wearing any jewelry at all now. It's hard, because although i don't wear much jewelry, when i do wear it it is usually a habit or a last minute decision to do so.

Anyway, i hope to type more here another time. This is one of the aspects of a long distance relationship, however....that each of the parties involved play a juggling act to keep their focus on each other, and on the relationship, when life where they live gets hectic.

i love You, Padrone.

Forward Motion

There is a song that my kids listen to, and me by default, which includes the lyrics "cause i struggle with forward motion....we all struggle with forward motion....cause forward motion is harder than it sounds......well everytime i gain some ground....i gotta turn myself around again". There are more, of course, but these particular ones i relate to in a major way, especially lately.

i think i'm personally in one of those "turning myself around again" stages. Growth is difficult, whether personal or in a relationship, and it involves things that i sometimes don't want to do. Lately i have gone back and read some things, logs and old emails, even posts on my "private" blog that i don't have a need to post in anymore. i now wonder why i did it.

Sometmes that kind of thing is productive. But sometimes it brings up all the old emotions, and requires the ability to throw those off and look at it as where we've come from, rather than how i felt then. That is easy sometimes, but much of the time it isn't. i guess i'll always be affected by some things that happened early in our relationship. i guess both of us will.

"too many turns have turned out to be wrong....this time i learned that, i knew it all along"

Forward motion isn't easy, but it is necessary. Hindsight serves its purpose, but it is the looking ahead and even at the present if looking ahead is too difficult, that will keep a relationship healthy and those in it happy. And it takes both partners doing that, not just one. If one looks behind, holds onto old thoughts and the emotions resulting from them, then there can be no forward motion. That is what i do too often, but i am fortunate for a patient and wise Padrone, who not only gives me space to do that kind of thing now and then, but also helps pull me out when i am there, in a way that is quite effective, but which lets me know how much He cares.....not only about me, but about *us*. That is what i think i need reassurance about more than anything, sometimes. But not lately....that's just a general statement.

Lately it has been other things that have been hindering my forward motion. He seems so flexible, where i seem far more rigid...in some things at least. There are things He tells me, about which He says "i never thought you would have to be told this", but which i obviously do. It works to be told, but it also makes me feel stupid somewhat...lol. Well, i *was* stupid, somewhat. He has also revised certain rules, keeping them in place, but allowing them to fit my life in a way that allows me to serve Him better. It was necessary, even i admit it, though i hate to admit the necessity of it happening.

Because of things that have changed where i live, He has had to give more consideration to me than i am comfortable with, mainly because it wasn't necessary before. We are learning to adjust to these new changes, both of us, but it is easier for Him in some ways, because He is far more easily adaptable to changes than i am. But He is teaching me, with His words and actions and example, and i am learning to trust that change isn't always bad....

Just more forward motion.

Thank You, Padrone, for caring for me, about me, and for showing me how valuable i am to You.

new rule

Recently i listed my rules, the ones Padrone has in place for me. One i forgot, and there is a new one as well. So here goes:

The rule i forgot is that i am not allowed to cross my legs. This one is quite difficult, although i long ago developed that habit to an extent, i gave no thought to when i was lying in bed, or crossing the ankles, or such. So it has been another challenge, one that Padrone knows is a strong one, since girls are taught to cross legs from a young age, and i'm not a young age anymore...lol..lots of time to practice crossing them!

The new rule may take a bit of explaining. i know, i clarify everything before i type it, but this one really does need a little preamble, i think.

Recently, Padrone allowed me to register at a slave registry - www.slaveregister.com for those who are curious where. There, once registered, a slave is assigned a number. This is a permanent number, and is unique to the slave forever. So my new rule is that i am to have that number written on my body, somewhere, at all times. It's a strange feeling, actually, to be marked this way. i love it, and it truly enhances my slavery, and the requirement to remember this. To mark myself as slave physically, daily, has revealed itself to be something deeply meaningful for me.

There is more i can type, but i need to go for a while now. Thank You, Padrone, for....everything. You make me thrive.

Just a few thoughts

Some things are just too private and personal to share here, of course. i won't even go there, but i think maybe i can type something about an epiphany of sorts, although i think that is too....definitive.....a word to use to describe what is happening within me. It's been far too gradual to be an epiphany, even if the thought itself hit me "upside the head" as we say down south.

Those who know us know that Padrone and i are close. i am forever commenting that i don't know how we could get any closer, and yet.....we always seem to grow even more close as time passes, and as we work at our relationship. And yes, even though we know each other well, we still work on our relationship. i am proud that neither of us is complacent about it. Neither of us take the other for granted, and if we seem to, there is always a "door" open; communication is something we both value highly, and both do well (when He wants to, of course).
He always seems to want to when it is important, isn't that amazing? lol

The point of what i am trying to say today is that there are certain things He says that.....i don't always hear the true meaning of. Usually i'm pretty good at it, except when He says positive things about me. Again, it's a result of some history, things happening in the past that He has had to deal with and feel repurcussions of, even though He doesn't even come close to deserving it. Basically, no matter how much i think i trust Him, there is always, ALWAYS, part of me that holds back. i mentioned a part yesterday that i am not sure i can ever change, but i am grateful that He accepts that possibility, even though i know He holds hope that i can.

For the first time in my life, even with my family, when someone says to me "I love you", there is no stated or even implied "but" attached to the end of it. Even when He doesn't say the words, even when He says other words, or when His actions show His feelings, i know, and finally accept as fully as i can at this time, that He means just exactly that. He loves me. The only thing that follows that statement or thought is a period. There is no "but" followed by reasons i'm not really loveable or acceptable after all. He doesn't make me feel unworthy, ever, especially while making statements of love. He doesn't make me feel that i should be eternally grateful that He loves me, and that nobody else would have me because of how bad a person i am. He doesn't make me feel, even when He's upset with me, that i'm on the verge of being released, or that He will stop loving me because i have upset Him. Those thoughts of being on the verge of release and that He will stop loving me because He is upset with me, come solely from me, and yes they are also repurcussions from past relationships that He has to deal with.

i will never forget, nor will i ever cease to be grateful for, what You have given me, Padrone. And when i think of all the things You have had to deal with, and yet You never gave up, even though You may have been tempted during some tough times.....You saw the same thing i did, the thing that didn't let us give up....You saw the potential for a strong, fulfilling relationship with the kind of slave You always wanted, and i saw the same with the kind of Master *i* had always wanted.

Now You know where those thoughts come from, Padrone. That doesn't make them any less of a fear, although i am working on that too. Understanding, for me, is the first step in overcoming the fears. my wonderful Padrone, You collared a girl with a ton of baggage to cause You problems, but Your patience, love, acceptance, and consistancy is helping to empty the trunks, and allow me to let go of so many things and really belong to You. It keeps getting deeper, and stronger, and more wonderful as time goes by.

Thank You, my Master, for more than i could ever put into words.

And it grows even more deep....

i am not sure that today's post will make much sense, as it seems to me that there is just a huge jumble of words in my mind just bursting to be poured out on you unsuspecting folks. So please be warned, this one is probably going to be a bit deep.

If any of y'all were around last night in the channel in IRC that we go to, You saw something that was, on the surface, quite boring, but which one slave described as poetry....as did Padrone, afterwards. i said magic, but hey, what do i know?

What happened was far more than i can hope to put into words. Maybe i shouldn't try. But i know me, and i know i have no choice but to make the attempt at least. If it makes no sense, then so be it, but i will have at least expressed the little i can.

All that happened, on the surface, was that after i had been kept horny all day, He teased and tormented me as i humped and fucked air, total whore for His pleasure, until He brought me over His lap, kissed me and gently let me down a bit.....then ordered me to cum, as the storm was passing, bringing the storm back to the forefront, the orgasm more strong a release than i can explain. Simple torment of a slave by her Master, right? Yes, but....

The underlying dynamics that others saw a glimpse of, but which literally left me speechless afterwards, were deep and strong. His control, the unique way He has of playing me like a fine instrument, creating the symphony He loves and needs to hear, is a beautiful thing to experience, and seems to be quite moving to watch as well based on the response we have gotten at IRC at least. But last night there was more....He revealed Himself to me in a way that He rarely does, and which i am more than grateful that He can do. His tenderness...that i see in Him in so many ways, but which He seldom consciously expresses, was more moving than i can begin to explain. It is as He says, i suppose, that it is more special because it is so rare. i asked if maybe i should stop showing my emotions quite so freely, so that the expression of them would be more special to Him...lol.

His tenderness....and how freely and naturally He expressed it.....triggered something in me, something that i am not sure i have finished really .. seeing through, for lack of a better term. But when we talked, i had no choice but to offer everything to Him. As i told Him, it isn't that i have no limits now, or that my limits are His....what it is, is that my limits exist in His imagination. He tested me, and i won't say how, but....He wanted my reaction to things He said "and if i asked you to...." regarding. He also had me do something physically that i had listed in my limits list when we first met, and which He has never even played online before. No, it wasn't easy. But the choice of whether it ever happens again is His. He now knows it fully.

But there were also things i thought of later that i am not sure i could truly give if He chose to take. Well, one thing anyway....and that is sharing Him. i am "getting there" intellectually regarding flirting and teasing. i see it for what it is and don't try to make it something it isn't, for the most part anyway. But the thought of....sharing the intimacy....the deep closeness.....i can't even bear to think about Him like that with another submissive. So, when i was allowed to call Him this morning, i brought that exception to the "everything i will do" and "nothing i won't do" for Him that i stated so clearly last night. That, i know, wasn't something that had even crossed His mind, but as i said, it is a very real problem for me. i could hear His smile, and i won't say His response, but it was quite natural and .... well, not even reassuring, it was a simple fact. Such a wonderful, giving man i belong to.

The only thing i really fear, as far as our relationship is concerned, is that i will lose Him to another. Yes, He did chuckle when i told Him that, because i do know, quite well, that He is as full of me, of what i give Him, as i am of what He gives me. i know that His one experience with owning two slaves at once wasn't a good one for Him, but i fear being replaced as well. i can't imagine it happening....if it does, it will take someone quite incredible to draw His attention from the fulfilling relationship we have now. Yes, i know, such a contradiction. i know things, yet i fear the opposite. Oh well, such is the way this slave's mind works.

i also had another thought, one that i didn't reveal to Him earlier but which i did mention having. i finally realized a few things about some tendencies i have, not that it will help me to change them, but....well, as i learned, understanding is vital to me. (Thank You again, Padrone, for understanding and accepting that.)

i realized that my need to understand, which results in over-analyzing most things, stems from the way i didn't understand all the pain-filled things that happened to me when i was young. Then, i just didn't understand why things happened to me, why people did them. And since i couldn't understand them....i feared them.....and i started overanalyzing things to create a safety zone around me. i analyzed everything, and if i couldn't twist my thinking into understanding something, then it was a threat to me. Now, it is the same way to an extent. Things i don't understand are things to be nervous of. An explanation of why comes as naturally to me as an observation of what, most times. If i can't figure out why something is, or someone acts a certain way.....then i try my hardest to avoid it. Those are the things that upset me most. And those are the things i try hardest, now, to keep from getting upset about.

Btw, yes, i do know that it's a control thing, and that to trust that which i don't understand, even if it is regarding Padrone who i trust deeply, means to give contol in a more deep and meaningful way. i just can't do it yet. Not....yet....maybe not ever....and i am grateful that my Master doesn't push me in things like that....He just lets the changes happen, if they do, as they will. i know He appreciates them when they happen, but He appreciates more the effort it takes on my part to....let them happen. Change isn't easy, especially when it can seem that my very personality is changing because of things learned and accepted. And yes, it has. And yes, my Padrone is proud to watch His slave grow and develop into a healthy, whole woman, rather than the scared little girl pretending to be a women He first knew. That drives me to work even harder, when necessary, to make Him even more proud of me.

i never realized where that nature came from, Padrone. i just know it is something that YOU have had to work to accept about me. i know it isn't something easy for You; it seems that my nature causes problems because i do tend to make mountains out of molehills. But i finally do realize, even if i am not explaining it well, that the mountain itself is my lack of understanding. The molehill is simply the thing i don't understand. Related, but not exactly one thing developing into the other.

i apologize for the length of this post. And i know i didn't really say what i intended to say when i began typing here. But i think it says enough, even if it isn't easy to understand.

Padrone, all i can say is thank You. Thank You for choosing to accept who i am, and not change my behavior too much. Thank You for choosing to trust me, that my nature is simply that, and that i will control my behavior to the best of my ability, even if i can't control my nature. That is a very real gift, and a huge part of what allows our relationship to grow and deepen. Thank You, my Owner.

my rules

Something happened today that surprised me. Padrone has always said that this blog is mine and has never yet commented on the content of it, unless i ask Him for a response. But today He gave me a kind of writing assignment, and then said "oh, and you could also post them in your blog". So, at a...um......suggestion from Padrone *wink*.....here is my list of rules as His slave.

These are listed in no particular order.

1. i am not allowed to cum, either rl or online, without His permission.

2. i am to type an email every day, even if it is a line or two, but He loves long ones for some reason.

3. i may not date men without His permission.

4. i may not talk with my mother without His permission.

5. i must ask His permission before buying any new clothing for myself.

6. i may not wear anything green, except when He says i am to for a punishment.

7. When i wake up, i am to wear the cock for at least 15 minutes in my ass, after going to whore position.

8. i am to go to slave position for at least 5 minutes before going to bed.

9. i am to put clothespins on my nipples every time i use the toilet.

10. i may not sit on comfortable chairs, or use my bed, except when i am sleeping, or to talk with Him. He prefers for me to be on the floor, and to be kneeling when talking with Him.

11. i text when i leave home, stating what i am wearing and where i am going, when i get there, when i leave, and when i get home.

12. i am to text every hour (when i am not at work or sleeping), saying what i am doing.

13. i am to text to let Him know every time i am alone.

14. When i am alone, i am to crawl rather than walk, when i go anywhere.

15. i wear the new plug when i am online, the entire time i am online.

16. i am to say that i am His, every time i cum.

17. i am to go to the using place during my lunch break every night i work, wear the cock in my ass for at least 10 minutes, and if weather permits, i am to go to whore position for at least 5 minutes while there.

18. i am going to try to remember to ask Him about purchases before i make them, for things other than groceries or paying bills. This won't be easy, as sometimes i see things on sale that the kids need, and buy them because they are indeed on sale. (This isn't a requirement, but something that He would find pleasing, so i will strive to do it, and the best way for me to do so is to act as if it is a rule).

19. He wants to know as much as possible about my life, and so another of those things i know He would find pleasing but which isn't an official rule is that i text as many details about my day as possible.

And so, unless i have forgotten to type something that i live by, that is my list of rules. Of course, there are restrictions in IRC, and even a ritualistic greeting with rules of its own, but since IRC is ..... well, just IRC and not life, i didn't list them with my rules. Here are those restrictions and the guidelines of my greeting Him on IRC:

i am restricted from use by anyone, other than to give a Dom a bj in channel only, or to serve socially (getting a drink, things like that).

When i see Him in channel, i am to crawl to Him and beg to kiss His feet. i am to stay lowered, face on His feet, until given permission to move, whether to kneel up or to go to some other position, whichever He chooses.

i am to tell Him who PMs me when i am PMed when He is online, or if i PM someone.

On a related note regarding my rules, in rl of course, but more related to those that read this, in IRC as well: some of y'all may not realize that i am my own worst "tattle tale".....and if i do something when He isn't there that i think He might be upset about, i am the first to tell Him about it. Also if i am not able to follow a rule or if i just...don't. Like if i don't email on a particular day, *usually* He wakes up not only to that knowledge, but also from a text from me saying so, saying why (if possible via text), and almost always asking for punishment.

Punishment is almost exclusively reserved for rl things, however. IRC is just.....IRC, a chat server, the channel just a chat room. i do watch what i say most of the time, and He has said something to me once or twice, but....i don't remember that He has ever punished me for my behavior in a chat room on IRC. And yes, i have emailed Him with logs of my behavior there, and worried that i had embarrassed Him, or caused problems between Him and a friend or something, but i have never been punished for anything yet, thank goodness.

i'm thinking the types of rules and the punishment for misbehavior which He has put in place for me, reflect what is, and what has always been, most important. i am His, with all my life, in all my life, not just in an online chat room.

Thank You, Padrone, for the rules, the restrictions. Thank You for presenting them to me in such a way that hasn't overwhelmed me, and thank You for giving me time to adjust to the difficult ones before adding more. And thank You for the gift of yet another rule, more control, that You gave me for my birthday. i do love You.

mi sento totalmente posseduta, devota al mio Padrone.

Not always so rosy

i made a vow to myself that i would not make this blog a place to present a glowing review of our relationship. i promised that i would be honest about the bad times as well as the good times. i promised that i would not make this a place that i have seen so often, where relationships are perfect and nothing bad ever happens, or is glossed over. i refuse to give that kind of impression, even though we have worked so hard and for quite some time, that we have few problems.....but they do happen, even with us.

So here goes.

Long distance relationships have their own challenges that face-to-face ones don't have. One of these is the dependence on technology for communication. Those of you who know us know that we have very good communication, Padrone and i, and usually it isn't a problem. Recently it was, however.

Because of a problem with computer communication, i had a skewed perception of something that happened. Padrone had His own perception of it, of course, which was also skewed because of the problem with the means of communication. So what happened was that i got hurt by something i thought was happening, and when i mentioned it to Him, He of course didn't know that we were seeing things differently, and He got upset with me because of my actions. i don't blame Him one bit. If what He thought had happened, had truly happened, and i reacted the way i did, then His being upset would have been absolutely justified, and i would have understood it.

But remember, i had my own perception of what happened during that particular time. And my perception gave me the idea that He was getting upset for me for nothing, basically overreacting as He thought i was. My feelings were hurt, His were hurt, we were both angry, and it was......dreadful.

i wasn't allowed to talk with Him until He had calmed down enough to be able to talk about it. i understand when He has to do it, but that is something that makes me sick, literally. Believing that i had done something to upset Him to the degree that He was upset, and not really knowing what it was, and Him not communicating with me at all......i'm crying now just remembering it.

i spent quite a bit of time typing an email, deleted almost all of it, and simply sent one of apology and begging Him to please explain what i had done that was so upsetting to Him. He's never been that upset with me, so far. i was so scared that He..... didn't want..... well, didn't want the hassle of a slave who would upset Him that much i guess.....and i was so afraid that He would release me. Old fears, i know. But.....i really didn't understand why He was so angry. Just as He didn't understand why i could act the way He thought i did. It was a terrible time.

We finally were able to talk, He finally allowed it. i say 'finally' from my perspective of course, as it might have really been too soon from His perspective. The discussion was stilted.......full of......silent defensiveness .......but we were talking. That, was such a vast improvement, that i wasn't even thinking of complaining. i knew, i know, that the only way problems can be solved is through communication. i also know that there are two sides to every story.

The situation actually came to a screeching halt when we realized, during that discussion, that it was a technological problem, and not either of us that had done anything wrong. We each had reacted appropriately to what we believed was happening.

It was so good to realize. i hadn't acted the way He assumed, nor did He the way i assumed. Oh y'all, it was such a relief, but......almost unbelievable that all the upset was caused by a technological problem.

The problem for me, is that there are now so many emotions that are hanging on. i've *never* seen Padrone that upset. i've never felt that i deserved that kind of anger from Him. The kind of person i am means that, even when it is a "nobody's fault" kind of situation, i still feel responsible and guilty. i feel as if there is......unfinished business i guess, for lack of vocabulary to describe it in a different way.

i find myself still feeling very vulnerable and very.......fragile, emotionally. And it's so stupid. i know it is. i find myself wondering things, like i used to do. My confidence is so shaken. i am needy, feeling so insecure. i hate it. And i am really trying hard to change it. i do hope it is temporary. It has to be, doesn't it? One situation can't make me truly regress, can it?

i hope, and i really have to believe, that as soon as my emotions settle, the "old, new" slave that i have learned that i truly am, will make her presence known again. And i do believe it. It is just a difficult time right now....i am second-guessing myself and Him with every statement made. i am over analyzing even more than usual (yes, it *can* happen!), and i am really trying hard to keep myself in check about that and not let all the "wondering" control my emotions. i am trying to ....... well not to control that, because i really don't think i can.....more that i am trying to work *with* that tendency, let it happen, but keep my mind firmly set on what i know is true. If i can do that.......what a milestone that will be.

Padrone, i am trying. Please be patient, as You almost always are. And i know that You understand quite well my need for reassurance, even if i don't express that need nearly as deeply as i feel it.

i have to say it yet again, i am so sorry, my Master. Thank You for allowing us to talk it out so quickly after it happened. i do realize how fortunate i was that You......put Yourself aside to a degree......and allowed it. Thank You. i love You.

effects of ownership

i want to precede this post by saying that the things revealed here have been learned through much difficult growth and over quite a long time. These aren't things that can be known from the beginning of a relationship, by any means. And i hope i have many, many more things to learn about Padrone, and how better to serve Him.

i have commented often about how Padrone has changed me, how being His slave has changed my life. But i know i haven't ever explained to any degree of fullness how this happened.

Looking back i can see things in our relationship, things that happened, or choices that were made, that were kind of like milestones. From the vantage point of hindsight, it makes Him seem almost omniscient in His wisdom of how to be my Master, but i am realistic enough to realize that He was merely making choices and doing the best He could under the circumstances. There were times when things didn't work so well, but since i am the type of person that i am, i tend to "forget" those things.

Want some examples? Well to do that, i have to give just a bit of history. i strive to do so as unemotionally as is possible for a very emotional slave.

The first time i was stunned by the depth of His feelings and commitment to me was the day He collared me. i guess i should have felt that way before then, maybe the day i asked three times for Him to extend His control into my life outside irc, but i guess i still thought i would be the "hidden one"....yes, i realize that shows disrespect for my Master, and the person He is, thinking He would keep a "secret slave" when He already owned a collared slave. i am ashamed for it, but i didn't know Him well then, and to be honest, my experiences in irc were that without fail, any Dom who would scene with me while owning a slave, wanted that very thing. So experience had me a bit jaded and i didn't really look beyond that into "Him" - i fully admit it.

But looking back from the vantage point of knowing Him as well as i do now, i realize what a dramatic commitment that was for Him, and not something He did without a lot of thought beforehand. It wasn't spontaneous or impulsive. When i think of that conversation, i remember each of us dancing around the issue, getting closer and closer to the flame until it burned into my very soul...the need to beg for more of His control, effectively creating a D/s relationship, rather than online play.

When He collared me, i guess i still fully expected to be the "secret slave", so when He told me what to change my name to, i really was stunned. i knew that by wearing that name publicly, it could cause problems for Him in His other relationship. So guess what? That was the biggest defining moment, even though it took a while for me to realize it. Even now i have a difficult time thinking about it for various reasons, but the knowledge that His commitment to me was deep even then, warms my heart.

i think of the times i have acted badly, and His responses to them. i think, specifically, of a time when my rashly worded email during a very difficult time for Him, caused Him to restrict me from IRC. It makes me sick, literally, to think of the extra pressure my actions put on Him. And i realize now, too, that keeping me out of IRC was also probably a way of ...... well, of reducing His own stress.

There were the times when, during the aftermath of Katrina, He would take my phone calls, no matter when they came, because He understood that my ability to contact Him was limited to the times i could get to town and hope that a public phone was available and working. He would do this even if it was during a time when i would otherwise have been restricted from contacting Him, but when one is reduced to finding means for survival - food, water - then one's priorities change in a hurry. He realized that, and understood more than i probably realize.

His immeasurable patience with me, i can't even begin to relate. The times when He has "paid" for things others have done to me in the past - my reaction to Him has been a defense mechanism created by painful things others have done - those times are far too numerous to tell. And yet He never gave up on me. He may have gotten frustrated now and then, because He understands in part and that can cause frustration, but He has always waited for me to learn and grow and become the person i am. i used to say, and believe, that i was becoming who He wanted me to be. But even He would admit that He didn't wish to change me, merely to encourage me to peel the protective layers off, and allow the real me to be revealed, and in that, to become the slave i am. Since i am the slave i am, and He is the Master He is, i am becoming the person He wants me to be, but that is because i am the person He wants me to be. i am merely learning that it is safe to be her.

Being collared, learning to belong to a Man who owned another, dealing with the guilt of causing her pain, dealing with my own pain, learning about true slavery and what true submission is, opening myself fully and completely, learning to be the only slave after months of adjusting to sharing Him, dealing with issues where i live that have affected our relationship, striving and searching for so many more ways to be pleasing to Him, being "silly" and feeling stupid when those spells are over.....the unbelievable, indescribable, yet absolute total joy....all of these things, and the ways He has dealt with them - sometimes with strictness, sometimes with humor, sometimes with deep emotions, and always, always with tremendous self control and tremendous control of His slave - His reactions to all of these things have been bricks in the "building" of our relationship. And some say it can't be done.

The understanding, the joys, the patience through difficult times, the discipline, the need to be cruel and demanding, the control of the pain i cause Him so that He doesn't lash out, the ways He states His thoughts and lets me digest and come to my own conclusions, the absolute control He exerts even though He is quite easygoing in so many things......all of these things are reasons why i can say without a doubt in my mind, that i truly *was* born to serve this Man.

Words can't convey it, Padrone. You are right when You say that i may be trying to express things that just....can't be expressed fully. But You know, and i know, what i am saying....and what i can't say, even if i tried. i truly *have* been Yours for quite some time...and it brings me to my knees, literally, every time i realize it anew. i was Yours when You collared me, even though i ... selfishly needed proof of it, and You, so unselfishly, provided it over and over again. Thank You. Oh Padrone, thank You.

i love You, Owner of my soul.

Reality vs. feelings

Trust in truth, not in feelings. What a concept, and one that Padrone has tried since the very beginning of our relationship to instill in me. So why is that the thing that i have had the most trouble making part of my psyche?

Who knows, and it doesn't really matter actually. What matters, and what is more important than any of that, is how i act even when i am not trusting things i know to be true.

Even here, in this blog, when i have been going through my "silly" spells, i have tried hard to give a picture of what it is like to be slave to a Master who lives so far away. It isn't always easy. It isn't easy being a slave. It isn't easy not being able to see and touch and use body language to communicate. But guess what. i knew that the first time i found out He was in Italy.

Oh, the things He is teaching me. Trusting in what is, rather than how i "feel" things are goes far more deep than i ever imagined. i fail in this so often, and yes i do upset Him sometimes with my actions. There are times when i disagree with His choices....and sometimes His choices hurt....and when i react to those feelings of hurt, rather than really considering His actions more objectively, it causes problems. But only temporarily, i finally do see.

For instance, recently i was punished because i didn't do something i was required to do, and.....well, the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to His usual punishments, and it was designed to be humiliating in a way He knows i find humiliating......but there was one thing that triggered a very negative response in me, very emotional and deep. That isn't a problem, things like that will happen as "triggers" are a part of life, and inevitable when two are getting to know one another.

But i didn't have to call Him while i was still upset. i should not have done that, nor should i have confronted Him with the ways i think He was wrong, or what i felt was unfair or painful about what He's done. An apology is good, and i apologized 1000 times, give or take a few, for doing so. But that wasn't enough for me, and so i asked, after we had both calmed down enough to talk about what happened, to be.....not punished, but....tasked i guess, and allowed to express my submission in a way that would please Him...by His command....not something i freely gave, but....something strictly for Him. He gave me a task, and i did it yesterday, and i am about to do so today, to complete the requirement.

But, as is usual, He went above and beyond - my wonderful Padrone. This morning, on the phone, He used me. He used me in a way that if i tried to describe, i could never get across fully. He took me beyond anything i have ever experienced, beyond anything i could have ever dreamed. i am still a bit unfocused, and it has been hours.

He gave me the reassurance i so deeply needed, that all is well, even after my emotional outburst yesterday, and that He learned something about me the "hard way". i mean, that even though it was a difficult thing to experience, He did learn something about me through it, something which i am grateful to know that He will consider strongly in future actions. i wanted the words, of course. He gave it in His own, quite effective, way.

And He did let me know, once again, how commited He is to me. Yes, now and then i forget, when i get all wrapped up in my feelings - the negative ones i mean. Is it any wonder i am so very grateful to be owned by this Man?

i am incredibly lucky, as i have stated before. i can't ever begin to thank You enough, Padrone. i would thank You from the bottom of my heart....if my heart was still my own....

Owned

Beautifully broken, but yet not broken....indeed more complete, more strong, now than ever before. Just as one "breaks" a young horse to ride - done correctly, the relationship between horse and owner is stronger than ever after the horse learns to trust and obey, to channel its energy into pleasing its rider, because of the care and tender affections the rider has for the horse.

i am melted, reshaped into the person He wishes for me to be, changing at His will, willingly, eagerly. Now whore, cumming like a madwoman, begging for more, begging to stop. Now painslut, ass burning, thighs bruised, nipples clamped, sobbing and begging futilely, yet doing so anyway. Now pure submissive, controlled by His words of ownership and control, revealing His favor, His deep thoughts and emotions. Now woman in my world, separate yet inseparably joined to Him, no matter what i do where i live. Now in IRC, seeing His nick flash online making me smile the smile of submission, waiting to find out how He will reshape me today, or if He will. i melt and become more pliable, emotionally, just from seeing Him online.

What kind of chance meeting led to this? How did the two of us, so right for each other, ever even meet in the first place? Random accident of the universe? What led me into the chat room where my ass was pinched that day? What caused us to notice one another before then, for Him to deem me worthy of pinches? What was it that fueled the attraction, inexplicable because of circumstances - an attraction that neither of us really wanted to grow, in some ways, because we each knew it would cause someone to be hurt eventually. How could we *not* act on it? It was, and is even more now, a force strong and pure, first the submission and control reacting deeply to one another, drawing us to each other like moth to flame.

The commitment i never saw then, i look back and stand amazed at now. His patience, His steadfast vision, even if He wasn't sure in the short term, of where He wants our relationship to go, His slow but steady guidance into the depths of control and submission, all of these things and more are things that have truly come into focus for me lately.

i am basking, letting thoughts settle after another epiphany, another life-changing realization.

Padrone, somehow You saw me, a face in a crowd, and You ....... have created a slave.

Our long distance relationship

Sometimes when i start to type and i see nothing but a blank screen, i wonder what in the world i should say. i have tons of thoughts running through my mind, yet when i sit in front of the computer, they all seem to disappear. Is that a form of writer's block, even though i am no writer?

Not that it matters, that was nothing more than a ploy to get my fingers moving. Typically when i begin typing i have few problems continuing. Maybe part of the reason i have had problems typing here lately is because some of the things i have been thinking have been pretty personal and deep, intimate things that i don't really want to make public. So i have had to kind of think about other things to type, and it isn't always easy for me to do - when my mind gets set on one thing, usually it's pretty well fixed.

So i started thinking about why i started this blog in the first place. It began as a place for discussion of the realities of a slave in a long distance relationship. i guess it still is, although to be honest, there are times i forget just "how" long distance we are, because it doesn't feel that we are distant in many ways. There are times when i know He would love to feel my lips around His cock, and there are times when i wish i could truly relax and Him inflict the pain. But other than that, there is a very deep level of control in my rl, and a deep level of submission in His rl. And isn't control and submission what this is all about anyway?

i am sure there could be other forms of control if we lived together. i am not sure the depth of the control or submission would be any different, maybe the way it is expressed might make it *feel* deeper, though. i do realize that face-to-face relationships have options that aren't available to us as we are. But i think that we have chosen to make what we have something incredible. i think we are succeeding in that venture, and i think we both treasure what we have highly. What makes it work, though? What makes it so.... fulfilling...when we can't even touch each other? How can it possibly even compare with skin-to-skin contact? And can it be truly successful, or are we "copping out" of what is called rl relationships?

i think y'all know my answers to some of the questions, but i am not sure i have really ever explained why i feel the way i feel about our LDR and its success. It is quite successful, actually, and i think that is obvious to everyone who knows us and sees us together in IRC.

i guess because i am in one, i believe that there are a lot of things that have to happen for a long distance relationship to be successful that don't have to happen with a face-to-face one. i am sure there are things that are more difficult for a face-to-face relationship, but i know from experience there are times when just trusting words, without seeing facial expressions or body language, and sometimes not even hearing tone of voice, is seemingly impossible. That doesn't have to happen in a face-to-face relationship, obviously. There is also the element of "i'll wait until He gets home and talk with Him then" if something comes up. Here, there isn't that option, the only time problems can be dealt with is when they happen, because there is no "when He comes home" or whatever.

And i know that there are a lot of LDRs that aren't the same as ours. The commitment, which i believe started out more as an IRC thing with a bit of rl thrown in on the side, has grown into a very deep M/s commitment on both sides. But when we first began, i have no doubts that neither of us expected it to grow into what it is. What it is, is a face-to-face relationship, without us being face to face. What i mean - we have as "real" a relationship in so many ways, as those who live in the same house with one another.

Now, i will also say that i do NOT believe that a LDR is right for everyone. i don't believe everyone can do it, can 'handle' not seeing their partner face to face, at least now and then. i think it has taken, for us, a lot more work to learn to trust and relax the guard, than it does for those who are "rl". On the other hand, though, i also don't see a LDR as a 'cop out' for those who 'can't handle' a face-to-face relationship, nor are those who have an LDR necessarily 'fakes' or 'wannabes' simply because they don't live with their partner.

This kind of relationship takes a lot of energy, mental and emotional, that isn't always necessary when one is living with their partner. It takes a focus on keeping the roles absolutely clear, the behaviors absolutely in line....i'm not saying it wouldn't be necessary otherwise, but.....i think it is easier when the communication is online and on phone and limited in nature and scope, to kind of 'forget' the roles when the computer is turned off or the phone is hung up, unless the two people involved choose to behave otherwise.

And in our case, there are different cultural backgrounds, even moreso than many, because He is Italian and i am American. There are language differences, not that it is usually a problem, but it was a bit in the beginning. He has very definite ideas of the roles of Master and slave, and behaviors expected of each. i have always tended to react to the one who currently owned me, without considering any "larger picture" of how a slave should behave. There was, in the beginning, the fact that He owned two slaves, and all the effects of that on our relationship. There was the release of the other slave, and the effects of "that" on our relationship. There has been a need to overcome things in my own past, a need for Him to accept that those things are real and not excuses. There has been much 'silliness' on my part on the path to trusting completely. There have been mistakes on His part, not many, but still some. But the bottom line is this: What we have with one another is so deeply fulfilling, that we have chosen to do whatever it takes to keep it, to preserve it, to feed and nurture it, and to let it grow and deepen into the fullest and most beautiful relationship it can be.

Maybe i feel a need to justify why this blog exists, why i feel that i can type things and expect that some, at least, will take me seriously. i know Padrone would scoff at such an idea, but after reading some things on a couple of sites lately that have blasted LDRs as being not "real" or as being "less" than face-to-face relationships, i guess i am a little bit defensive. Whatever the reason, this is what needed to be typed at this moment i guess.

Padrone, i want to publicly and openly state something that i know is obvious to You. i am Yours. i am as enslaved as i would be if i were at Your feet at this moment, kneeling quietly, my collar around my neck. This is why i have begged a time or two for total restriction, because i am so deeply Yours. This is why there is no attraction for me in scening with others. This is why i honor Your wishes so readily. This is why i am always so ready for Your use. i am Yours.

Grazie, Padrone, for the privilege of wearing Your collar. Grazie, for seeing in me what i don't in myself, but which i am actually learning to see. Grazie, for being my Padrone.....the one i was born to serve.....the one born to own me.

being His schiava

What does it mean to be Padrone's slave? Well, to me it means different things on different days...but always it gets deeper and deeper, even when it seems impossible.

Lately He and i both have had the tendency to look at where we have come from, and feel all the appreciation we should feel for the ground we have covered. i'm not going to go into our history, this post anyway, although i feel it is almost time to do so, for some reason. This time, i merely want to answer - or try to answer - one question:

What does it mean to be His slave?

It means i am pleasing to Him in many ways and on many levels. Sexually He finds me pleasing, however most of that is my submission. Emotionally He finds me pleasing...He knows that my adoration and devotion are real, deep, and for Him alone. Mentally He finds me pleasing, most of the time i think. i still have problems believing that a simple country girl like me isn't boring to the extreme, but He seems to not mind most of the time.

It means that the control He has over me is meaningful and real in His life, as well as in mine.

It means that i am loved as deeply as i love.

It means that i am as important to Him as He is to me.

It means that i strive harder and harder to find things that He loves and needs, to please Him even more.

It means that my foot-kissing in channel is as it appears to be, a way to show my obedience and my devotion to this man who has shown me so deeply what being a slave is all about.

It means that my submission is safe, protected, and valued for what it is.

It means that the things He has taught me about submission have translated into other areas of my life, and that i have changed drastically as a result.

It means that i am loved, valued, cherished, honored, respected, trusted, protected.

It means that He is deeply appreciative of the things which i need and experience for His pleasure. The depth of my experiences sometimes amaze Him, but for me, it is merely showing my feelings for Him in the most obvious and intense way i know how.

It means that all the things i do, overcoming the fears, choosing to trust even when i am positive i can't, understanding and learning about myself and about Him...all those things and more .... are struggles that i must do alone, in order to be stronger myself, and to learn the full lessons i can learn from them.

It means He is patient and accepting, even when He doesn't understand what He is patient about.

It means He understands more than i ever dreamed He did.

It means i am constantly learning and growing, and grateful for the opportunity to do so.

It means being who i was born to be, serving who i was born to serve, and loving and being loved more completely than i ever dreamed could happen.

But most of all, it means my sole desire is to be as He wants me to be....which is to simply be myself.

i am blessed. Thank You Padrone, for more than i can ever put words to.

Separation and Expectations

Something that has changed in my life lately has resulted in more restrictions on my time and ability to perform some of the previously required tasks of me as Padrone's slave. That has been very difficult for me, as you might imagine. It is unavoidable, and will change a little soon, but it is still not easy.

It makes me miss Him, because even if i am thinking about Him like crazy, i can't fulfill that particular task. That creates a struggle within me, and there was a time when i would have made it seem far more than it is. What it is, is something that can't be helped. What it isn't, is a sign that i am not pleasing to Him as a slave anymore. Yes, i would have thought that at one time.

Why would i even think such as that? i mean, if it is something i truly can't help, and this was, then why would i feel like a failure as a slave because it makes certain things impossible? Well, part of it is because my availability is something that has always been a "given" for Him, and for me. It is what has allowed some things to be implemented into my life, because i have been available to do them. Now those things aren't possible any longer. But i finally realize how creative my Padrone is, and that He will eventually exert control in other ways. So in one way it is a loss, but in another it is a gain...A way to keep things new and fresh.

The separation factor may seem strange to some, because Padrone and i live on two different continents and also have never met face to face. But we are close, maybe closer than some who live together in ways, because we have to make more of an effort to ... well, maybe it is just to become and stay close. We don't see each other face to face. We can't read body language or facial expressions. We only have voices and typed words. That means that we have been forced by circumstances and choice, to work very hard to gain and maintain closeness. We have talked for hours. We have scened in various scenes. But mostly, we have each opened ourselves to the other. Sometimes it does feel like a one-way street because of all the words i type or say...that aren't reciprocated. Yet i am learning that Padrone doesn't always act on His thoughts. In other words, just because His words aren't typed, doesn't mean His thoughts aren't with me. That is closeness.

The thoughts of feeling separated are on my side. i am sure that He regards the new circumstances with the patience and acceptance which He shows almost everything. It's not so easy for me, maybe because it is on my side that the circumstances have changed and...being the type of female i am...i feel guilty for the limitations on my service to Him. That, to me, is separation from Him. i know it isn't, truly, because we do maintain the level of closeness through other means. But when i am not available, even to perform the task i mentioned, it is a hard thing since i haven't ever been consistently unavailable to Him.

Living in these changed circumstances, with these lingering thoughts that i am causing a separation that hasn't been there until recently, what are reasonable expectations of the relationship?

Well a month ago i would have panicked in a way, thinking that somehow that would damage our relationship. But now, something has changed inside me. i realize now that His feelings about me are based on more than actions or availablity or showing how submissive i am. i now know that the limited availability, while not perfect, is not only necessary but that it is workable in our relationship. Our feelings for one another won't diminish because of changed circumstances. The only thing that seems changed is the way i express submission, because of the limits on one particular task. Other things are changing, because humans and human relationships must change, but those aren't caused directly by this. So now, my expectations are that i will adjust not only mentally, but emotionally, and accept and embrace new circumstances - who knows? Maybe it will force me to be more creative in my submission. :)

Thank You, Padrone, for Your consistency - in emotions and actions - that gives me the ability to do what i need to do, mentally, to grow and be a better slave, and a better woman. It is only because i truly know, even when i get silly and seem to need constant, never-ending reassurance, that You are there with me and for me, that i can work through the silliness. i love You, my Master.

Happy Birthday to my Padrone

Today is my Master's 50th birthday, and yes, i have already teased Him about being half a century old! The problem is that there is no gift i can give Him online that He doesn't already have. i can give symbols, however.

Padrone, i give You.....a gag (of Your choosing, or many if You wish). This is one thing i am not fond of, being gagged, but i have recently learned that You do like them. So, as a symbol of my submission, my truly not having limits where You are concerned, i offer this to You to use, or not, as You wish. Yes i know You would have anyway, but...it is merely a gesture, a formality.

It is also a symbol and a reminder of Your ability to render me (yes, even me) speechless. There are times when i couldn't say a word if i tried to, gagged or not, simply from the effects of our relationship. Thank You, my Padrone.

i offer You a more complete trust, as we discussed on the phone. Or as i discussed, since i had problems explaining my meaning..lol. Padrone, our relationship has grown so deep that it seems there is nothing held back....but there always is. That is human nature, even for a slave. What i meant and tried to explain, is that i offer You more vulnerability and trust.

There are times when i am so concerned with what i need, never physically - those needs and desires You meet gloriously. Emotionally i have been truly terrified to give control of my needs in a relationship over to You. i felt that the only way they could be met is if i, somehow, ensured that they were. my gift to You, today, is.....the control over meeting my needs. i will stop focusing on them, and focus more on learning to trust through the vulnerability which this creates, that You.....being Yours....because of who You are and how You feel about me, and the importance You place on our relatioinship..will ensure that the needs are met. i don't have to worry about that anymore, although i am sure i will *blush*. my gift is realizing the need to give it to You, trusting and not worrying.

i hope it makes more sense to You now, Padrone. If not, maybe it will in time.

The last gift that i can give You is that of begging to be pushed in some ways that i know You enjoy. i know, for instance, that You love to show me off in channel - and not just my slut side. You enjoy, sometimes, merely having me do things that are difficult for me because it shows how deep my submission is. i am begging, my Master, for more of that, when You feel the time is right to do it.

What am i giving You today? Nothing that You don't already have, or don't deserve to have had long ago. The gifts, as i have always said, are far more from You to me. i am more grateful than words could ever express to be Yours, my Love.

Buon Compleanno, mio Padrone.

dependence and balance

i often think about how much i depend on Padrone. No, i don't depend on Him financially. i don't even depend on Him to be responsible for my mistakes and my actions, unless they are relating to Him personally. i depend on Him in ways that i am not sure i could explain, and i am not even going to try today.

But one thing that hit me hard recently is the fact that the dependence can't solely be on the part of the submissive. The Dominant has to depend on the submissive, in some form or other but to the same degree, that she depends on Him. It has to happen, or the imbalance will tip the relationship from "healthy" to "unhealthy".

So what does that have to do with our relationship? Well, one day i suddenly thought...."Either my theory about balance being one of the keys to healthy relationships is a huge pile of bs, or He needs and depends on me just as much as i do Him." When i finally caught my breath after such a shocking thought, i came to the conclusion that, while our needs are different, and the things we depend on in the other are also different, the FACT of mutual dependence is just that for us, a fact.

This is something i had never really thought about. i guess i had convinced myself that i didn't give Him anything specific enough to make Him depend on me. i mean, any slave could give Him her submission, and could give Him her obedience. But Padrone wants......needs......depends on.... my submission and obedience, which is balanced with my need and dependence on Him. What a stunning realization.

Padrone, as You can easily imagine i am sure, this feels like a kind of turning point for me. So basic...but so hard to understand and accept...until now. No matter Your personality, and how Dominant You are in general, You are, and want to be, Master and Owner specifically of me, as assuredly and as powerfully as i am, and i want to be, totally enslaved specifically to You.

Thank You, Padrone. Simply thank You.

Trust revisited

i keep coming back to trust as a topic. It is just so important, and so very fragile....but so strong when it is built....a strong tower, a resting place from worry and upset. i know that sounds a bit "over the top" but if one thinks about it, it makes perfect sense.

i made a statement the other night that will be very surprising for those who know my analytical side. (overly analytical most of the time) i told Padrone that i don't have to understand to trust. i couldn't, and wouldn't, have said those words a few months ago, maybe not even a few weeks ago. i have always thought that understanding bred trust. i was right in that, actually, but there does come a point in time when trust exists on its own, it doesn't have to be fed anymore. Yes, it must be protected, and yes it must be maintained, but.....there comes a point when trust doesn't have to be built anymore. i am not fully there yet, but i am farther along the road to total trust than i ever dreamed i could go.

It is easy to see that trust has to be there from slave to Master. How can i allow Padrone such deep control if i don't trust Him? i can't, plain and simple. i know that He has my best interests in mind with the rules and the use and the consequences for breaking the rules. i know that He does what He believes is best, for me as His slave, which means it is best for Him as well.

But what about from Master to slave? Does there need to be trust of any sort, and if so, what kind and to what degree? i'm not sure i am able to talk much about this, to be honest. Trust is on so many different levels, and in so many areas, and i am not sure i quite understand that a Dom becomes as vulnerable as a submissive in a D/s relationship. That is a detriment to me as a slave, having that kind of "tunnel vision". But i think it is natural, and something that is not easy to change about slave mentality.

i think most.... oh i hate to use this term....but most "true" slaves are highly emotional creatures. Most Doms are too, but i do think that most "true" Doms have reams of self control when it is needed, and i think most understand human nature, and especially the nature of emotional slaves, better than we realize. That does tend to increase the trust from slave to Master, if He exhibits such understanding. At least it does to a degree. So how does one increase the trust from Master to slave?

Well, probably by things i preach but don't always practice.

First, consistent behavior. He needs a safe place to relax and call "home". Trust will help Him have that place, but if i am....inconsistent, "silly", all the time, then how can He have that place with me?

Second, follow through. If i am given a task, or an assignment, or a punishment, then i try very hard to do it if at all possible, within the time frame He has set forth. If i don't do it, then i explain why and let Him judge whether or not my lack of follow through is because of a good enough reason, or if it is punishable. But i have done so many things, and *not* done so few, that He knows and trusts me when i say i have done something.

Third, honesty. Even on irc, where lies are told on a regular basis and seem to be accepted more readily than the truth is, honesty is the ONLY way to build trust. This means everything from having a pic to back up your description, to providing more when asked for more, to revealing the truth of past relationships, both online and rl, and soooo much more.

And last (that i will talk about here and now), truly submit. This isn't just a sexual game. This is life. i am submissive, and that means that things won't always be easy for me. Sometimes i have to learn that over and over again. But life isn't easy as a slave. A good Dom understands it, a bad one exploits it. When i have to put my own needs aside and...trust Him...to meet them in His own way..even if He doesn't consciously do anything, the needs are met purely because of who He is, who i am, and how we are together......that, y'all, is THE most difficult thing for me. But if i don't do it, then He can't trust me *to* do it, and it limits our relationship.

So trust.....that boring, much-talked about and yet still underrated and misunderstood pillar of any relationship...gets another post in this blog.

i am quite sure it won't be the last one. A relationship, even ours...especially ours.....can't grow unless the trust grows. i've just had a mini-epiphany of sorts, and i have a feeling that.....the trust will grow more....soon.

Thank goodness.

Growing Pains

Have any of y'all ever experienced growing pains? One of my kids did, and it was sheer torture to watch. Even as a teen, there are times when ibuprofen is needed in the middle of the night, or a hot bath, and sometimes even now there are tears. i mean, it started before age 2, and they are still a problem in the teen years....lots of lots of time. They have lessened in frequency, of course, as the growing has slowed, but the intensity is still very painful.

i know we've all experienced the same kind of things in our relationships. There are times when all seems steady and calm, on course and fulfilling, then suddenly *wham*, there is drama and upset. Of course, that happens as relationships grow and deepen, because no matter how much we know, or trust, our partner...there are always places we have never been before, with this particular one. In our relationship, these growing pains happen because of me. See...for me, where i am already with Padrone is a place i have never been with anyone else. That sometimes scares me into emotional paralysis.

What happens then? Well, i get what Padrone so kindly calls "silly". i get highly emotional, easily upset, a bit volatile. i get fearful and worried and .... well, i try to test Him, even after all this time. Lately it has been because i feel that i am on the brink of some sort of....dive into deeper trust....or something equally as challenging. i feel strongly that there is a change going on inside me, one that - provided i can overcome the fear and let it happen - will help our relationship. The problem is that some things it would require of me, i simply don't want to do.

So what has that got to do with growing pains? i think, in our relationship, my own personal growth causes the most drama and upset, and it is what causes the "growing pains". i do realize, now, that it is difficult for Him as well, when i go through these spells. i don't know exactly how difficult, of course....but He loves me, and He wants us both to be happy in the relationship we have. Why i insist on trying to convince myself that He is just too good to be true, then trying to "trap" Him into behaving like all those from the past have behaved, i don't know. Well, i *do* know, but i don't know how to stop it. i think what has to happen is that i have to find the key that will open the door and allow me to believe that He really is who i know He is.

That is the wall that i face now. At least i know it is there, and i am grateful that we have journeyed so far to reach it. It may take some time for this particular wall to fall, but one thing i have learned, and i trust deeply when i am not being "silly", is that He is faithful, patient, supportive, and encourages me to work through all this kind of thing. He is even incredibly understanding and gives me time when i need it, even though it may not be what He really wants. He has put His own needs and desires aside for me, y'all. Not often enough for me to expect it, or even want it when He does it, but He still puts me first sometimes. Yes, i know that has to happen at times. i am not really comfortable with it, and that is something else i have to work on. But i also know that the reason He does it is because when i make it through these times, i am a far better slave (and a far better woman, just as important to Him) than i was before it started.

Lately i have had some pretty....well, depressing things happen where i live. i began to believe that there is no way Padrone could still want me, i felt that i couldn't do anything right, much less be a good slave to such a wonderful Man. No, i wasn't giving Him credit for being understanding, and yes, i was seeing from my own perspective. But i am realizing that He sees not circumstances....He sees me. Such a simple, but dramatic, concept....if one doesn't "get it"....and suddenly does.

i will learn, i am learning, Padrone .... to trust that You are the man i know You are. i don't know how long it will take, but i promise You, it will happen. i will let go of this deep seated fear of rejection and abandonment that i carry like an old friend.

It won't happen with You. You won't suddenly turn away, nor will You keep me collared just to maintain the status quo. You own me, in a real and deep sense. i am more than sexual fulfillment to You. i am totally and completely Yours, and i am surrendering more and more as i see things that i haven't yet released.

i am sure that is part of the difficulty in letting go, that i am holding on to some really negative things - because the opposite, the positives that will replace them, i have never felt. The unknown is always somewhere that i don't want to venture into, and so i tend to cling to my old things with a passion - until, as has happened in our relationship before - the walls come down and i wonder why it took so long, because the happiness and peace is so amazing.

Thank You, Padrone, for so much. Maybe my next post here will be a discourse of many of the things i am so grateful for....

i love You.

Happy Anniversary, Padrone

For my Padrone:

my Master ....... this is my attempt to relate who You are, who You are to me, and what it means to have You as my Master.

Authority. There can be no relationship between Master and slave without it. You know that You have the authority to do in my life as You wish. i am grateful that You use that authority wisely.

Beacon. You may not realize just how much influence You have on my thought patterns daily, Padrone. i use the things You have taught me, and even the thoughts of how i *think* You may react, to help me control my own errant thoughts and tongue.

Comforter. How many times have i sobbed on Your shoulder, and heard Your soft......sshhhhh......shhhh.....Your silence, just letting me cry....not hurrying or pushing me to "calm down".....even when You didn't understand what i was upset about....

Dominant. Does this one go without saying? Maybe it does, but it won't here. You have a real sense of what it takes to be a Dominant, Padrone. You don't pretend or put on airs....You just *are* Dominant.

Ear. Alright, this is an "American-ism" maybe, but it means that You are a listener. When i think of all the problems You have listened to, from my kids to my past and most anything in between, without trying to tell me how to "fix" things unless i ask...i am amazed, and a bit ashamed for 'dumping' on You like that, but.....it is part of my life, and You want to know my life.

Forgiving. This one truly does go without saying. i am humbled and relieved that You forgive so thoroughly. So blessed.

Guide. Life itself is a journey, and things we talk about, even in general conversation, make me look to Your example, Your philosophy, Your outlook on life, and many times they shape my thinking and actions. Even if it isn't an intentional 'teaching moment' on Your part, often Your words influence my choices.

Hand. This sounds strange, but i feel held by You, and the symbolism for being held is a hand. Your hand would also bring much needed pain and pleasure, it relates pride and love in gentle caresses and stroking my hair.

Influence. In all areas of my life, from my online experiences to where i sit in my home, You have influenced me, shaped me.

Jeweler. So many jewels i carry in my crown of ownership now, Padrone. You seem to know when to give them, although i know it is when You want to give them....they seem to come at just the right time, from my perspective.

Kind. This one may burst someone's bubble about You, Padrone, although Your kindness truly is no secret. i love how You kept it protected for a while, until You knew that i would not see Your kindness as a weakness. i see it as a strength in You, and in our relationship.

Lover. *no words needed, just remembering.....and anticipating.....*

Motivator. You motivate with positives, not with negatives, meeting a need deep within me. i have always been more motivated by fear of punishment, but with You....there is knowledge of punishment when needed, but no fear of it. Finally.

Natural. You are Dominant. You have nothing to prove, and You simply act as who You are. It is beautiful.

Optimistic. A perfect balance to my "glass half-empty" mentality, Padrone, although You aren't unrealistic in Your optimism. It is more a case of looking at the forest rather than the trees. You are teaching me that, whether You mean to or not. The mindset of a lifetime is difficult to change, and i am a slow student in this i am afraid. But You never seem to lose hope that i will learn eventually.

Pride. Yes, You are proud to own me, and Your pride in Yourself as well as Your slave is a very integral, and attractive, part of You.

Quiet. Alright, You say little much of the time in channel. And i do most of the talking during most of our phone conversations. And even in PM there are a lot more of my words most of the time than Yours. But i'm talking about something else entirely, and You know what i mean now, i am sure.

Remarkable. What a perfect adjective to describe my Padrone. It sums up all of the things i try to say, into one concise word.

Stable. Maybe not the most romantic thing to say, but Your stability is one of the things i have held fast to, when things have been traumatic in the past. It is one thing i value most about You. But, on the other hand, Surprising is another delightful trait that i love and treasure.

Tempting, Teasing, Tantalizing, Torturer, Tormentor. Need i say more?

Understanding. With someone who has as much baggage as i do, this trait is absolutely a must. You have it in great quantities, and You try hard to understand so that You can own me better, and so that future misunderstandings can be avoided.

Virile. Again, need i say more? But Vigilant would be another - Your vigilance is what helped You learn to trust me, and it is also what caused the event that changed our relationship for the better.

Wicked. *drool*

Xcellence. (So i cheated. But *you* try to think of an X word that fits here.) Padrone, i think Your high standards for both behavior and obedience attracted me to You from the beginning. To me, that is what it is about, as our behavior reflects on each other. i love making You proud.

Yearning. This is my own attribute, but i think it fits You at times as well. i know there are times when You wish for more than what is there, that is one reason for new requirements and new tasks. There is a yearning to express control in my life in deeper, or varied ways. i am glad, since it is a mirror image of my own deep yearning for Your control.

Zeal. This word is a bit strong, but i think it fits to a degree. You are deeply and passionately commited to me, and to our relationship, and You work to strengthen and protect it with great diligence, just as i do. So while zeal is a bit strong, i think it is not really inappropriate to use to describe You.

Well, this has been a lighthearted, yet sincere, attempt to relate many things, the most basic and inclusive of which is merely how much i love You, my Padrone.

Happy Anniversary.

Just a few random thoughts

It's been several days since i have typed here, things happening in my life have prevented it, and also i only type when there is something to type about.

i typed some thoughts in an email to Padrone last night, that have been on my mind lately. There are more of course, but i think i will type about them right now.

First, something i heard yesterday morning kind of summed up some thoughts that i have been having often lately, but which i wasn't able to really put into words. The statement that i heard was in relation to something else entirely, but it basically was something to the effect of "If we open the door just a crack, it gets easier and easier to open it wider and wider until it is all the way open and we wonder how it got that way."

What does that have to do with anything i might write about here? Well, actually, quite a bit. In terms of a long distance relationship of any sort, much less a D/s one, any "door" that we allow to open, even a crack, must be one that will allow positive things into the relationship. No matter how tempting, or how harmless something can seem, if it is wrong or detrimental to the relationship, then it MUST be kept out. That is far easier said than done, and many times it seems that a *person* is shut out rather than the affect that interaction with Him/her might have on a relationship.

That sounds a bit confusing, i know. But the bottom line is that there are folks "out there" who will try to influence a relationship in a negative way. i have had folks hint about things regarding Padrone. i have had them outright say things about Him, as if i don't know Him at all. i have had folks "wonder" things in my PM. And i am sure He has heard the same about me. And yes, if that particular door, listening to others rather than to *each* other, were opened even a crack, it would come crashing in and the relationship would be put in severe jeopardy if not ruined completely.

Other doors that should be kept firmly shut are those of negative thinking. This, as y'all may know already, is one i struggle with at times. No, i am not saying one should be eternally optimistic and never see anything other than positive things. That is stupidity rather than reality. But what i am saying is.....to try to keep all things in perspective. Hold on to what you *know* to be true.....or maybe you don't really *know* it. (another thought for another time) Here's an example from my recent past:

i have noticed Padrone commenting about other girls lately. He has rarely done that publicly in my presence, so it is something i am adjusting to. Because of things happening where i live, i am a bit more on the negative side than the positive side in my thinking, and so i not only picked up on His words, but i began to worry about them. i proudly say "began" because i successfully stopped myself from making a mountain out of...well, not even a molehill.....because i remembered words that He had told me recently, and that i accepted as truth when He said them. If they were true a few days ago, why wouldn't they be true today? And so, again, the trust becomes more deeply and firmly rooted. (btw, i am not saying i won't ever feel jealous again, just that i successfully pulled that stinking weed from the fertile soil of my imagination, that's all.)

What does all that indicate, in terms of my emotional state? It indicates that i am feeling, as i told Him via email last night, more and more emotionally safe being His.

To talk about that, i need to discuss, very briefly, my D/s history, and a couple of statements about my non-D/s history. i, like so many submissives, have trust issues when it comes to emotions. So many of us have been hurt because we trust and submit too easily (even in vanilla relationships, i was always submissive and trusted that i would be respected). That led me to build huge walls, so typical. Anyway, with my first Dom, i was totally blown away by the emotions of submission, as well as the acts. It was a huge rush, and i fell madly in love....with submission. When that relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly, i was very much like a fish out of water, flopping, feeling as if i was strangling, dying from lack of "air" - the emotion of submission that i felt so deeply via expression. There was a time of searching for the same kind of satisfying expression i had with that Dom, but i couldn't find it. All the while, i had a friend who was a constant in my life....a Dom friend who owned another submissive. He was supportive when i needed him to be, he was firm with me when i needed that. And i fell in love with him, although i never told him so, until well after his relationship with his other submissive had ended, at least.....lol.

We met a few times - it was also a long distance relationship, but we were in the same geographic region of the same country. After one of our meetings, we revealed our feelings for one another and began a D/s relationship that lasted for 2 years or so. Maybe not that long. Anyway, that's not important. The important thing is that he helped me learn to trust again. We had known each other for years before becoming Master and submissive, and i did trust him on a certain level, more than i trusted anyone. It grew deeper of course, as we grew closer.

i said all that to say this. What i had with that man was totally superficial, even the trust. i never would have admitted it until recently, because i am loyal to a fault and i truly didn't want to change my opinion of what we had. It hasn't changed, because it was precisely what i needed then, what HE needed then, and it ended when it needed to end. But it was nothing, literally nothing, compared to what Padrone and i have.

Padrone needs to control my life as much as He can.....the areas He chooses to control anyway. He needs to know that i not only am always available, but that i am usually also eager for His use. He does want to use me, and not just scene or play. Padrone isn't hesitant to let me know that i am here for His pleasure, and that my pleasure is His to allow or not....i am not "owed" any pleasure, have no "right" to pleasure. All of that kind of thing is His.

He needs for me to be what i need to be, nothing but His. Of course He values my mind, my thoughts, my opinions - i am not a robot, or what i used to say "mindless blob". But at the core, i am totally His....not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. He wishes to control my thoughts - not what they are, but *where* they are - as much as He possibly can. This is new to me, and so deeply fulfilling i can't even begin to explain it. And it is in stark contrast to anything i have ever experienced before. That is why i say that all other relationships have been superficial at best. This, my friends, is what a real D/s relationship is.

Total commitment on both sides, to fulfill the role as defined ...... to the deepest extent we are able to do so. Being as submissive as He is Dominant. And vice versa.

i am Your schiava, totally and fully surrendered. You are my Padrone, commited and fully controlling. Thank You, my Owner.

kind of deep and a bit personal

i've been thinking more about the change that happened, that allowed me to.....what? have my hopes fulfilled? Probably, although that's not really what i mean to say - it will suffice however.

The key to that change was in trusting Him, but i really didn't trust Him when i first changed my behavior. i truly thought, consciously, "i am so tired of protecting myself from being hurt." i guess i decided to place that responsibility squarely on Padrone's shoulders. i wasn't sure if i should or not. i knew that i had been wanting to for quite some time, but i didn't know if.....well if He would accept it, or if He would tell me that my emotions were my own responsibility. i didn't know Him as well then, and i was a lot more hesitant and timid when it came to being His then. i didn't want to burden Him with that responsibility, my emotional safety. i wasn't sure He *wanted* that burden, and all that it entailed. So in a way there was an element of "You asked for it, You got it!" but not at the moment of change......rather when i would ponder and daydream of being free to totally submit to Him.

One night i just "snapped" i guess. The control that i had held so tightly, over my emotions, my need, my yearning to belong fully to Him.....He brushed it aside easily on that infamous evening that i have mentioned so many times. i resisted Him even then, in the beginning. It was not sexual. It was pure D/s. He told me over and over......i own you.....i own you.....i control you...you are MINE. i was crying, i didn't want to give Him what He needed from me. To do so would mean accepting things i wasn't sure i could accept. It meant letting go of things that justified my selfishness. It meant exposing the emotions that i was protecting so voraciously. It meant trusting this Man, who had yet to expose Himself deeply, with my heart. It meant turning the corner from being hurt if He released me, to being devastated if it happened. i didn't think i was strong enough to bear that kind of vulnerable exposure. i resisted Him....out of fear....

If i let go of all of the self-protective defense mechanisms that were so deeply entrenched, what would happen? Who would i become? Would i become a doormat, a "yes girl"? If i gave in to the need that i knew He could fill, and gave the control He wished to have over me, then what kind of person would i be? Who was *really* underneath the exterior that i only let a few even peek beyond? Was a *truly* submissive, or was it all a game......where when it was easy, i would submit, when it was more difficult, i would find excuses? i knew, even that night, that if i let that last wall even crack, that it would be irrevocable, no matter what was behind it.

It's strange. i just this moment realized that i never truly knew who i was, how deep my submission went, until Padrone. i had served Masters rl, online, on phone......and some had asked some difficult things. But none needed for there to be no walls, no barriers. None needed so much of me, and so there was no need to find out what was behind them. That is why i was so fearful. No matter *what* i suspected, that part of me had never been exposed, been tried, been tested.

Even though i was almost immobilized by the fear, which i think is natural before any life changing, person changing, event.....i chose.

What i chose to do was something He had been teaching me, even if He didn't realize that it was what He was teaching me. i took His lesson and expounded on it, actually. But He had been teaching me that no matter what the emotions were that i felt, it was my actions that were judged. So what i chose to do was to BEHAVE as if i trusted Him, to behave as if He controlled me as fully as ...... i wished He could, but without all the pain of vulnerability. i chose to behave as if i could be the one He needed. But what happened in reality was no mere behavior at all.

By making that choice, i chose to open my heart and mind to Him, because what i hadn't understood from the lessons were that when one acts as if one trusts.....or believes......or respects.....or loves....or honors......or cherishes......then one tends to plant seeds of those things. For me, it wasn't planting seeds. i already trusted Him, i just was too scared to admit it until that moment.

i remember that moment so clearly. i just moaned with almost a sense of helplessness, and i heard His answering soft sound of acknowledgement. The wall crashed as i stopped pushing to hold it up. And the most amazing thing began that night. i started the real journey into becoming His woman, rather than a girl to Him. i accepted what He offered, although i had no idea what it was. i offered my all, and........i trusted that He would hold my emotions in a safe place. i trusted that......showing my deep feelings for Him would not......run Him off.

That trust is so very well placed. The changes have been remarkable, dramatic, and natural. But the contentment and peace that flows through my being stems from the simple fact that......i am His. i am simply His.