Today there have been some challenges, especially for someone who can be as scatterbrained as i am. The only one i'll mention, and that merely for the sake of explaining typos, is that my old keyboard went kaput, and it caused problems with my mouse as well, i guess because they were connected to the same port. The old keyboard i loved - it was a natural style keyboard, but i knew there was a short in the wire somewhere, and have known it for a w hile, but i don't want to spend the money on a new natural one just now, so i am using the "straight" keyboard that came with my computer when i bought it. i don't like it, mainly because it is an adjustment that i didn't want to make! It is more difficult to type on, when one is used to the curved, "natural" keyboard.
Anyway.......
i've been thinking of a couple of things i wanted to type about here, and i'm not sure any of them will make sense...but that's not the entire point of this blog, actually.
Padrone asked me the other day, what my thoughts on submissives and loving freedom are. i elaborated a little bit, but that question made me think long and hard about some things. First, freedom as defined in the D/s world, is not the only definition that applies to submissives. i remember when Padrone first saw me - i not only was a whore, but i was proud to be able to choose when and who i scened with. i, as so many do, considered myself free...and in so many ways i was. i was responsible for my own choices, for the good or the bad. i accepted that responsiblity and i honestly think *that* is what set me apart from other submissives who consider themselves "free". Free, in terms of D/s, means nothing more than being unowned. Free does NOT mean that a submissive has a right to act in ways that are offensive, intrusive, rude, or in any other way unbecoming. Yes, i strongly believe that there is a code of ethics when it comes to this lifestyle, just as there are among people grouped for other reasons than D/s.
What do i consider true freedom? Well that has been described in many ways, and it is something that i honestly believe has to be experienced to be fully understood. But for me, freedom is in being able to release and surrender control, the control that i don't want to have in the first place, to the One who i have learned not only desires to control me as deeply as i need for Him to, but who also accepts the responsibility that comes along with that level of control. See, that, i think, is the biggest thing many submissives need to release... responsibility. i know that, ultimately, we are each responsible for our own actions, but as trust between Dom and submissive grows, so can the level of control, because the submissive will be more and more ready and eager to obey, once she knows that the Dom will not cause her harm.
For me, i can think of nothing more fulfilling than to know that i can do the things Padrone requires of me, and know that if for some reason they aren't working out, that He will take responsibility for the results and make changes so that they *do* work out. As long as i fulfill my obligation to inform Him of my circumstances, i don't have to think about more than that. It isn't my concern anymore. He wants control, He takes responsbility for the control He has, and guess what? i'm free to simply obey and do His will. Does that make me mindless, a doormat? That was my fear for a very long time....but it in no way does. What happened when i finally accepted that line of thinking and truly began to submit to Him, is that He was able to challenge me, push me, help me grow as a submissive of course, but even more as a woman - which should be every Dominant's goal in my humble opinion.
So what does that mean for those who aren't in a position to be free in that way, but who are free in the unowned way?
It means that since nobody outside herself controls her, that she MUST control herself. It means that since nobody outside herself is responsible for her actions, she MUST be responsible for her own. It means that since she has no owner to help her maintain proper behaviors, she MUST learn and accept what proper behavior is for the group she has chosen to be a part of, and she must act accordingly. If she doesn't, then she can't expect others to respect her, to accept her, and to not judge her. She will be attractive to a certain kind of Dom, but the ones who wish to own a girl, to truly own her and not just have "online jewelry"on a girl's nick....won't be attracted to her.
That brings me to another thought. i have seen in channel a couple of discussions about what it means to be a brat. There are girls who are so proud of being a brat that they put it in their descriptions, an "in your face" kind of statement that says "this is how i am, i ain't changing for nobody, so THERE!"
Now, truthfully, if a girl is smartass, disobedient, making her own choices about her own behavior, showing tremendous disrespect to most folks with a capped nick, intruding with ugly comments into ongoing scenes, and being silly and giggly just for attention.....AND states that she's proud of her behavior....what does that tell a Dominant who is looking for a submissive to own?
Being a brat is, in my opinion, nothing more than choosing to have no self control. It's hard to not type things without the motivation of making someone proud of her restraint. Is it TOO hard not to? Or is it sheer laziness that makes some folks proud of their bratty behavior? And what is funny to me is that so many of those brats want to top from the bottom when they DO find someone who wants to try with them....it's their nature, and they were attractive enough for the Dom to "own" them, why should they bother to change now?
When bratty behavior is accepted, and encouraged, in a forum such as an IRC channel, it is detrimental to the formation of relationsips, truly D/s relationships, as well as to the channel itself. Again, this is only my opinion, nothing more. But it has been both my observations, and my experiences, that have created such an opinion.
i was very lucky in that Padrone saw beyond the image i was trying to project. i don't know how or why, and i'm not sure He would say the same. But knowing Him as i do, i do know that so many of the behaviors i exhibited aren't acceptable to Him, but He still wanted me. He saw me beyond the behaviors, and of course they changed......it wasn't by choice...but as i submitted to Him, even before being His, i finally found true freedom.
Thank You, Padrone, for helping me turn from sassy, reckless whore, into being the schiava You are proud to own....the one born to serve You....and who has chosen to do so as fully as she can.
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