Wednesday, December 06, 2006

attitude and actions

It's been a while since i have taken the time to sit and type here, so i'm sure some folks have lost interest. That's alright, i find myself tending to type here for myself more than for any other reason. This really is a good way for me to clarify some thoughts, and even seeing things in words helps me to prioritize sometimes. Y'all have no idea the many times things are typed and deleted and i have repented within myself for attitudes that are never seen.

Maybe that's what i should type about today.

Not lately, because things have been on "auto pilot" to a degree simply because of factors in both of our lives that have prevented us from doing more than maintaining the status quo (a pretty dog-gone good status quo, i should definitely add), but there have been times, mainly when things change faster than i want them to, or when He pushes me in ways i don't want to go, that i develop a stinking rotten attitude.

Usually He never knows just how bad it is, though.

Usually i am able to type, either here or in email, and purge a lot of negative emotions before He ever sees anything i have typed. i delete all the purging things, of course. Why is that important? Many Doms and Masters say they want to know whatever their slave/sub is feeling. Padrone says that i may feel whatever i want to feel, but that it is how i behave while feeling the things that is important. So if i feel that i can't help but say negative things...even rant and rave about something.....i am allowed to do so. i'm allowed to act however i want to act. The catch is that if i act badly towards HIM, then i will be punished and rightfully so.

My point is this: one reason our relationship is strong and deep and can handle short periods of "autopilot" when necessary is because bad attitudes, His and mine, are very typically temporary - we choose to have good attitudes rather than bad ones. If i were the type to whine and complain every time something didn't go my way, or if i felt He was asking "too much" of me, or something like that....then our relationship wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. The times i FEEL that way, i usually make a choice to not ACT that way. i type and delete, or type and save and go back later and laugh at myself for the way i felt....THEN delete!

Sometimes it feels that if i don't let Him know how hard things are, that i will burst. And sometimes i go way too far in the other extreme, and i remember His desires for my life to be "interesting", and i wait until i am about to break down before i say anything about how hard things are. That happened a while back. i had changed jobs, and the new one was more demanding in some ways than the other one was. The rules that were in place were making things really difficult for me, but i wouldn't say anything to Him until i just....well, basically broke down, collapsed, i'm not sure how to word it. What did He do? He thought about what i was saying, gave me a short reprieve while He considered options, and then He came up with a creative solution that works for both of us....an alteration to what was in place.

So what i am trying to say is that i work very hard sometimes to find the balance that works, when it comes to "attitude" and circumstances. Complaining isn't a good thing, but informing of things that are creating such a hardship that it affects my job performance, my duties as mother, or as slave....is my duty and is not complaining (even if i still view it as such, i am working to overcome it).

Even with that knowledge, it is so often HOW i word things that matters, that is as important as what i say. Even if i consider myself informing of knowledge that He should know about my circumstances, if it is said with a bad attitude, then what good does it do? Sure, i got my point across, but at what expense? If nothing else it created tension between us that is/was unnecessary.

So as i said in the beginning of this post, there are many, many things that i type that He never sees. So many things i just vent with words here or in email...."WHY did You do that? Can't You see how it hurt ME? Don't You CARE? i can't take it anymore! i can't handle this, or i can't deal with that".....and i feel that way when i'm typing it. Sometimes i feel that way when i type what He actually SEES. But the only way He would know i have an attitude that isn't what He might want me to have, is if i type words that sound more curt or formal than usual. Then He knows that i'm upset about something, even if He doesn't know what.

He also trusts that i will either calm down enough to bring it up to Him with a decent attitude, or i will get over it. If i don't, then He will ask about it, but that usually doesn't have to happen.

i have to say that long distance relationships do create the space for each of the partners to calm down and think before responding to emotional correspondence. It doesn't always happen, but usually we make that choice. That is one reason our relationship is so strong and so deep.....we choose to respect each other....and act respectfully as well.

Padrone, thank You for Your patience. You have to be the most patient man i have ever had the honor of knowing, and i am one blessed slave to belong to You. Thank You for choosing to discuss the difficult things with me. Thank You for showing Your love for me in more ways than i ever dreamed one could. Thank You, my Owner, for it all.

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