Tuesday, February 26, 2008

i am Yours

When i think of how You have changed me, how being Your slave has made me the slave i am, i am so humbled that i can do nothing but lie prostrate at Your feet, in futile attempt to express the emotions that i cannot even name.

The girl i was, whose sole attribute that made me stand out from any other girl was a sense of responsibility for my actions and words, never dreamed that she could ever become the woman i am now.

Padrone, You said it is as if i am a different person, even looking solely at my behaviors. i am, Padrone.

Then i was never fully Yours, no matter how submissive i was to You. Then i couldn't trust enough to give You what You deserved, what You desired, what You needed. Then i couldn't see past my own demons and painful experiences to see who You are. Then, Padrone, i gave to You all i could give, but it was never enough for me....although You seemed to know and to understand that i couldn't give more.

There were so many walls, Padrone. i had thought them impenetrable, i thought i was safe. i never knew that i would even want them to come down, because i knew who was behind those walls, and....i was ashamed of me, Padrone. i was so afraid that if You saw me, that You would turn away as so many in my life have even without seeing me. i was afraid that if others saw me, while i was wearing Your collar, that i would bring You shame rather than honor.

Padrone, Your patience and self control have brought down the walls that nobody else could even see. The night when You had me finger my ass....saying to me that You own me...i am Yours....You own me because You want to own me....Padrone, that is when the first wall crashed to the ground. i was terrified.

i began to see that You deserved more of me than i had been giving. i blamed it on the fact that You owned the other slave too. That was such a convenient excuse to ... i'm not sure exactly what i was doing then, but i know that after that night, things changed. i changed. i made a conscious choice...it's funny, i can remember the very thoughts....i chose to give You what You deserved. *i* was Your slave, just as much as the other girl was, and *i* would serve You simply because You owned me.

Such a simple thing, right, Padrone?

Yes, quite simple, yet it took more trust and pure courage than i thought i had. i was so scared that i would screw up and lose You, once i had let You inside, past the first wall. And no, i had no intention of any others coming down either.

Other walls....other crises....other situations that You have dealt with in such a way that has made me understand Your character and Your faithfulness.

Padrone, one by one, You moved farther and farther into my life, into my mind, and into my heart, until every wall was first revealed, and then removed. It has been a long, difficult time. Owning me has not been easy for You, i know. But it has been so worth it, Padrone, for You as well as for me.

Padrone, You have the slave You have always wanted, one whose deepest desire truly *is* Your pleasure. You own a slave who truly lives her life by Your will, constantly striving for Your happiness. And Your happiness has freed me.

As always, there is a quandry though. i have no way to express the things i feel.

How can i ever thank You for giving me the gift of myself?

How can i ever give You enough to repay You for the life You have given to me?

How can i ever honor You enough to make You feel as cherished as i am?

How can i ever praise You enough for the ways You have handled me and helped me grow?

Your pride in me, Your love, Your happiness in owning me, Your paitence, Your laughter, Your enjoyment of my service, Your need for me, Your faithfulness, Your understanding, Your love of communication, Your creativity, Your trust in me, and most of all, Your faith in me, are samples of the jewels that glitter brightly in the crown of Your ownership. There are so many. i am the most fortunate slave ever, and everything i do, i do in an effort to give back, to show You that i accept, finally, that the opinion You have so often told me You have of me, is true....and to give back what can never be repaid.

What i am, You have made me, and every beat of my heart is Yours.

Thank You, Padrone.