Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Don't say i didn't warn ya!

i'm baaaa-aaaack. (evil laugh)

And i'm sharing a song. Randomly. Cutesy, and cheesy, and stuff, but it's how i feel about Padrone and our life and our relationship.


Padrone asked me yesterday before we left to come home, if i was ready to go back to my real life. My answer was not a simple yes or no (how could it be, it was ME answering, sheesh!). i am ready to begin my future...so i was ready to come back here and get through what i have to experience in order to do just that.

i mean, i was in a log cabin, in the woods, in the mountains (well, maybe the beginnings of the mountains but still gorgeous and hilly for me), right beside a river....daughter was occupied with boyfriend, his family were simply WONDERFUL people, and they even left me alone for a couple of evenings so i could have a "vacation" - who in their right mind, in the same circumstances, would want to come home???

But it was time. It's time for me to do my FASFA, finish the paperwork, get signed up for classes, find out about financial aid, let the boss know what she can expect from my schedule, and stress about my ability to do it all - lol - as usual!

It's time for me to focus on my future, on the career that will enable me to *have* a future. It's time to focus on time management, finding a teaching job, jumping through all the hoops necessary to get there from here. It's time for me to begin to understand that what i have worked towards for so long is going to happen, and to prepare to work, learn, and grow into the best teacher i can be, the teacher i have always longed to be.

Yep, sappy i know. i'm kind of glad i can be "sappy" about my job at my age. It's like i lived the first part of my adult life for my kids and others....and now i can live the second part for Padrone and myself. i kinda like that. (oh yeah, i'm SURE the kids will benefit from it, but i'm not doing this directly for them.)

But 3 summer classes, at one time????


In case you're wondering, i've been out of school for around....let's see....105 years or so. This is going to be quite challenging, to put it mildly!

But i'll make it. The goal is too close now, and failure is not an option.

When i look at how far i have come from the timid, frightened, hesitant girl i was when Padrone met me, to the more confident and happy and secure woman i am today, i know that there is nothing i could set my mind to do that i couldn't find a way to accomplish. But the reason i am this way is because of one thing, and one thing only.

i have worked so hard to be pleasing to Padrone, that i have actually become the person He envisioned me to be a long time ago. He has always believed in me, once he got to know me well at least. He has always seen my potential, my abilities, when i have dwelt on my failures and inabilities. He has encouraged me even without saying anything, simply his expectation that i would do well, succeed, and rise above circumstances... and those things were the foundation of anything i have done, or will do in the future.

If i fly, it is because Padrone truly *is* the "wind beneath my wings".

And i love You with all that i am, and all that i will ever be, my Master, my Love, my Padrone.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Vacation, here i come!

My daughter apologized yesterday for the timing of this trip. There is an actual "reason" we are taking this trip at this particular time, but it is as i told her, other than being a bit careful with the finances, the timing is perfect.

When we get back on Monday night, i will have a little over a month before school starts, which is plenty of time to obsess and get myself all worked up about if i can actually do it or not. As long as there is a full crew at work, i'm not working such long hard hours, so i hope to be able to relax mentally before i start school. And of course, there is no way i could have done anything like this at all after June 1, because of school and money, and then teaching would require me to only take a break when they allow, which would mean we would not get to go anywhere for *this* long, until Christmas break. So the timing is actually good, believe it or not - lol.

We leave in the morning, bright and early, but i'll have internet access while we're gone, at least to check email and my farmville crops (hey, i *do* have priorities, yanno!), and maybe spend time with Padrone, although of course i have no idea what our specific agenda is - only for a few things, and that's fine. We'll play it all by ear, and that is what i am so deeply, deeply grateful for.

My plan is to go and relax, not think about work, or school....well, maybe school, i'm pretty excited about that....or the ex or anything....except simply relaxing...having fun....laughing and smiling a lot....focusing on Padrone even if we can't spend as much time together as we would like .... and "recharge my batteries" a bit.

That's a phrase that i can "feel" the meaning of, but i honestly don't know how to explain it well. i feel drained, still, even though i am better than i was. This trip couldn't have come at a better time for me, personally, than now. i really do need a time away from the stress, the simple daily stresses as well as the extra stress at work to perform better, constantly better, nothing ever "quite" good enough...that is a huge, heavy burden and i honestly don't know why but it is.

At any rate, a time of having some of the burdens temporarily lifted will serve to strengthen my "shoulders" so that i can carry the load a bit further. i'm so very, VERY, VERY grateful to Padrone for allowing me to go.

Padrone, thank you doesn't say enough, not by a long shot. But i think you know just how badly this is needed, and how very much it will help me to serve you and please you and be a more relaxed, loving woman as well as a slave who doesn't complain so much about things. You are so good to me, Padrone, and i could never live without you.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Much Ado About....Much

This week has been one of those "good news/bad news/good news" weeks. After the excitement of so many things falling into place last week, of course something traumatic had to happen!

Since i really don't remember what i typed here, i'll start with the good news of last week. i've learned that the program i have to enroll in, in order to get my one year certificate, is offered at the school where my son goes, and it is 3 classes in the summer, and an "internship" of 3 hours - nothing more than paid student teaching from what i understand. If there is more involved, i'll do it though. :) Anyway, 2 of the 3 classes are offered online, since i am doing the Special Education route, and that makes me VERY happy, believe me!

I'll get student loans to pay for it, since the school has gotten state department of education approval to provide this program in such a way that meets the Stafford Loan requirements. And when i was an undergraduate, i didn't have to take many student loans because of scholarships, so i never met the limit of maximum allowed and i could probably take loans out to finance a doctorate if i wanted to. *stress,stress, NOT*

Anyway, i'll be in school from June 1 - July 31, and only driving one day per week, which is really nice. i have a feeling i may have to go to campus to take exams with the other classes, but that's alright, i can handle that. i'm kind of excited, could you tell???

So i was flying HIGH, until earlier this week. i did something that got myself in trouble at work, and i accepted the responsibility for it, but the way i was treated afterwards really upset me and got my "back up". i honestly thought i was being terminated for something that i was told i was merely being "written up" for, and i got very, very upset. Poor, poor Padrone! i honestly don't see how he can put up with me sometimes, and the drama that i hate so much but which seems to be a constant part of my roller-coaster life.

That all worked itself out, though, thank God. Now i am again focusing on my application process and preparatory work for this program, and i am SO excited about it. i can't wait until i get the letter saying "you're in" and my schedule and my account and books and....i think i'm gonna LIKE being a student again, if i can get past the fear that i've forgotten everything i've learned. i know, i'm typical - lol.

AND, since the boss finally hired someone to replace the girl she fired a few weeks, ago, then i learned that it was physically possible for me to ask Padrone if i could take my daughter on a road trip. She has saved a ton of money, and is paying for the vast majority of it herself. i spent a LOT of time with my son while he was working on his Eagle Scout award, and planning his court of honor to celebrate, and so many other things as well, that she deserves this. i have been promising her for a long time, and this year is almost perfect timing. So i asked Padrone about it, and he gave his permission! We leave on Wednesday, will be coming home the following Monday. Man, am i excited!!!

It has been such an emotional week. i think i have been under so much stress that i am losing the ability to maintain control over my emotions as much as possible. i am so grateful...so GRATEFUL...to Padrone for the chance to simply go away for a while. We're not planning a hugely busy time, we both just want to hang out with each other and with some friends we're meeting. We have a couple of things planned, but for the most part it will be just relaxing and "chilling".

Oh man do i look forward to it!

And i know Padrone is ready for some ... well, i almost said boring times, but i know he is excited about the next few months for me, even though he knows it will be quite busy and of course stressful, from my current job, to school, to job hunting, to starting a new job knowing i am being supervised....but it will ALL be worth it in the long run, stress will be eased after a few months of different types of stress.

When my life is a bit easier financially and i have a job i love and have wanted for years and will enjoy, then i know some of the stress will leave. i'll be able to ... be a better slave to Padrone. He doesn't complain now, and that's something i am even more grateful for .

This i can say without any doubt. i would not be doing what i am doing, if Padrone weren't in my life. His encouragement and acceptance of my dreams have made ALL the difference in my life and in my future, and therefore in our future. i honestly didn't have the ability to do it on my own.

And it will take the rest of my life to show just how much he has changed it, and just how grateful, happy, joyful, peaceful, and simply content i am as his slave, but even more importantly, as his woman.

i love You, Padrone. Thank you.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Missing Padrone

Yes, we have seen each other a couple of times today. Yes, we have had some good communication. Yes, we do plan to see each other again tomorrow.

But i miss him anyway.

Today there was a small town festival in our little town, and it is the kind of thing that speaks of small town America at its core. Those of you from the US probably know exactly what i am talking about, or many of you will at least. The rest of you may have seen this kind of thing on movies set in the US, or have similar traditions in your areas.

Craft vendors, food of all sorts (yes, i DID resist the funnel cakes!), inflatable outdoor playground for kids, pony rides, even this year a miniature golf course!, lots of churches and civic organizations selling raffle tickets (that $500 sure would have been nice to have won!), local talent showcased on a portable stage, and thousands of people!

And i really, really wanted to have Padrone there with me, holding his hand as we wandered around and smiled and laughed. i'd love to share a funnel cake, to explain "chicken on a stick" (even if he didn't eat it because it's chicken), to watch him watching all the butts on display in the heat today (hehehe), to take his picture with the sheriff, and just to enjoy the day with him there with me.

i did feel incredibly close to him today, as i usually do the few times i am not with at least one of my kids or at work. i guess it is because i can focus on him more fully, let him take over my thoughts since i no longer have to split them between work, kids, and him. i took several pics and sent them to him, and have a few more to send as well, after checking my sent emails to see which ones i actually sent - lol.

But it is times like today that i really feel the geographical distance between us most keenly.

Padrone, i thoroughly enjoyed going to the festival today, and i am so glad you wanted me to go. Thank you, Padrone. i loved sharing my day with you the way i did, and am even more glad you enjoyed it as well. i am always half worried that you will feel left out of my life by me sending those pics, but i fully know that if you don't want to see them, you'll tell me.

i love You, Padrone, and i am so glad to have You in my life. i am grateful that you understand, as no one else can, the emotions of being yours but without being with you physically. i miss you, today, Padrone. And i know you miss me as well.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Changes that don't really change things

First, a comment to Padrone:

Padrone, this post will be, in some ways, a recap of this morning's phone conversation. There will be newer things added though, because of course my mind doesn't stop once it latches onto a concept until it's completely finished!

Lately, as in the past several months at least, i have had to focus on myself quite a bit. It's been necessary, and i was working towards doing something Padrone *wants* me to do, so he hasn't only understood, but he has actively encouraged me to do so. He made me study, encouraged me when i would have given up otherwise, and the most bothersome to me, he set his own needs and desires aside to enable me to focus on what is going on here.

i am incredibly grateful to this man who wants me to be all i can be, to fulfill the potential i had begun to feel was nothing more than dust, and to accomplish things i have only dreamed of in the past.

But one unforeseen, and somewhat unnoticed, side effect of all of this has been that Padrone had stopped exerting his control above my framework of rules, and scening now and then, and the ocassional text ordering me to do something.

i found out that i passed the test on Tuesday morning. Since i am the type of person i am, the first thing i wanted to do was to find out what my next step will be, including different programs and time tables and if i can get a job in the fall and things like that. Padrone said no. i had to take two days totally off, to celebrate and simply enjoy my success. That was VERY hard to do, at first, but yesterday i found myself more relaxed than i have been in a long, long time. The beautiful time we had together yesterday helped quite a bit too, of course, but really it was his telling me no that did it.

i guess that prepared me mentally for a kind of breakthrough of sorts.

Breakthrough may be too strong a word, but it feels appropriate so i am using it.

Last night i did something that i have only ever done for Padrone, something that i am quite good at most of the time, even i must admit that! It's sexual in nature, but not for me - basically, since one-handed typing leads to boring typing, and all the "work" is on the woman in that kind of situation anyway, when he has a strong need to cum, he will tell me to serve him, and since i have asked for him to let me know if he has specific needs or desires, he will let me know things to include. What that means is that i basically type out a scene within the framework of his specific needs, and am free to express my surrender in any other ways as well.

It's fun, most of the time, except actually *starting* it!

Last night as the scene progressed, i used some terminology i have never used before, and it started the mental wheels spinning. We've been exploring humiliation/degradation to a degree lately, although most recently it's been ignored because of circumstances in my life. And that was what struck me full force - how much Padrone has put aside his own needs out of consideration for my situation. i think that, upon beginning the service with the pain he needed, the need to simply become nothing more than meat for his pleasure took over my entire being as evidenced by the cruelty, the coldness, i attributed to Padrone, and the fact that i called myself a generic word - animal. Not even bitch or fuckpig, no specific anything, i had no identity at that point beyond a hole to fuck or pulverized meat to torment even more.

It struck me then, and developed into so much more later, that i am ready for whatever Padrone needs from me. i know that sounds rather odd, after all the time we have been together, but i know Padrone so well you see, and i know that he restrains himself not only due to circumstances, but also out of consideration for me - for my emotions, my stress levels, my convenience even. Of course, with long distance, circumstances play a major factor in controlling my daily life, and Padrone himself is no micromanager so that leaves me with a sense of freedom that i didn't understand completely, and which also kind of....well, hurt to a degree.

See, since our communication is mostly one-sided unless we're in conversation (i.e. i text and email HIM, but rarely vice versa), it was more difficult to *know* that Padrone did more than have passing thoughts of me throughout his day. i KNOW i am silly, and i really wasn't even thinking about it, much less freaking out over it. i just noticed it today when he mentioned a specific *way* he restrains himself, and i thought...wow. i never knew that.

i also never realized how much....he just wants to use random things, meaningless things, to exert his control. i say meaningless, but what i mean is that they mean nothing except that i will do what he says, even if i don't want to, or think it's silly or not productive, or whatever. The example he gave was something he used to do quite often but which hasn't been done in a while - he will text and tell me to go to position, or kneel in a corner, and use a toy in a specific hole, and whether or not i am allowed to cum. For instance, i may get a text saying "Go to position with the vibe buzzing in that ass for 5 minutes. No cumming." or different variations thereof.

He also mentioned telling me to go back home when i'm in town, even if i get pissed about it - lol. The only time i'll get really angry i think, is if i have been grocery shopping and am halfway through, and would have to start over again when i go back, but then again, if i'm at the library relaxing, i may get pissed too, i never know!

i never knew that he thought things like that often, because he rarely acts on it, and...he has never told me he does. That's what hurt when i realized it, but it is a natural consequence of the one-sidedness of our daily communication. It won't change, and i won't nag him, so i will trust that he will discover that telling me things like his needs (even if they are passing urges, if they are typical things for him), will allow me to try to think of ways to help meet them, even if only partially so. For instance, once i knew of his ... thoughts about controlling me that popped up during the day, but which at times he couldn't act on because he might come online and find a text saying i had gone to town or something, i came up with an idea that will possibly give him the opportunity to control me more, and also to kind of give him an idea of how urgent my plans for the day are so he will know if i can be flexible or if it would be impossible to obey an interruption if he so chose.

So i am going to send a general "to do list" for the day to him. i'm not a great planner (from day to day - goal setting and plans to meet the goals, i am learning to do better), especially when i'm not held accountable for the plans being fulfilled, so i'm generally pretty flexible with my time off work. If he knows, for instance, that i plan to clean the kitchen and the bathroom, go grocery shopping, and do laundry, and that's all....he knows i have some flexibility. If i have to get my daughter to or from work, or have some sort of appointment, that's totally different, but that's just life in general. It will be my responsibility to plan ahead enough to be able to let him know what i expect to do, though, and that will mean remembering, which means i have to drag my planner out again. Not a bad thing, but i am far more comfortable with spontaneity, even though i am more productive when using a planner!

Anyway, i am typing about all of this for a couple of reasons. First, because it feels as if i am missing something that i could, or should, do to .... become more available for control at his whim, maybe? What else can i offer, how else can i give him the information that would make it easier for him to control me as he wishes?

Another reason is because it helps to clarify things in my own mind when i do type things out like this. This post is a bit more graphic and specific than i usually type, but that's fine. It doesn't hurt to give a little insight into just *how* things work with us. And that was the last identifiable reason i typed all this, btw - lol.

i *know* Padrone. He has my best interests at heart, and there are times when he treats me more as woman than as slave, and yet that is something i deeply treasure about our relationship. i don't see it as a hindrance, as some others do, unless it gets out of balance, or unless it prevents Padrone from expressing what he needs or wishes to express. If he begins to suppress his need to control me because of how the woman may feel, then it can eventually lead into a problem for the D/s aspects of our relationship. i strongly believe that every successful D/s relationship has a good overall balance of D/s and non-D/s aspects, and so i hope that he will begin to express his needs, in big and small ways, whenever he feels like it (within the confines of our circumstances of course). He will be freer to do so if i can provide more information to him, and by that, more opportunities as well.

The D/s is still not only there, but strong and healthy. Please don't misunderstand that. He is happy owning me, i *know* that. And i am happy being his slave as well! But i know the potential dangers of ... well, neglecting that side of ourselves. It's not there yet. It's not even on the horizon. But the *potential* is there, and i am ready to...well, to be more...i hate to use "available" but i guess that's exactly what i am trying to say. More available for his use, if he wishes to use me.

It's time to focus on the D/s for a while now, maybe, and that, for me, means focusing on Padrone and meeting his needs. And maybe what i am ready for is simply being used as he wishes in order to do just that. It isn't about me, about my own needs, or even about what i want or love or hate. It isn't a *need* i have to please him. It's just...right for me to express what i am, who i am, more than i have been doing through simple obedience within the framework of standing rules.

i can show my devotion through emotional means, and through positive things, but when it comes to showing it through not necessarily positive things, it's not so easy to offer, unless i *want* or *need* it myself. And Padrone understands that, he has told me that he wants me to express my needs, but not to pretend to need something i don't. For example, he would love for me to act more sexual, but it is difficult for me to do for some reason, sometimes even when i am feeling horny. He doesn't expect me to act as if i feel sexual when i'm not. i don't express a need for sex if i don't feel that need. That's the idea here...but there is a time when offering availability to show more submission in general is appropriate, and now is that time, or so i believe.

So what i guess i offer now is...more availability through giving more detailed information about my days, and more readiness to obey whenever and whatever he wishes. i am NOT expressing this well at all, because frankly, it is almost impossible to express the shift inside of me, the peace of surrender, without making it seem as if i was holding something back before, and that simply wasn't the case.

i honestly think that maybe i...trust that Padrone is also ready to take what he wants more, rather than taking what is offered and only occasionally taking more. We are happy as we are, but maybe i am ready to trust that we can be even happier.

Padrone, i know i kind of restated what all we talked about this morning, but it helped me to clarify some things. i am so happy to be your slave and your woman, Padrone. i hope to be able to give back to you in ways, and depths, that will please you and meet your needs to the fullest extent possible within the confines of our relationship. i love your care of me, and i hope to show my care for you through ever-deepening and ever-more-present submission. i love you.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

*drum roll please*

Yes, i had a nice Easter, thank you for asking! So did Padrone, visiting with his family is always nice. He ate too much, but what's good italian food for???

And my son was home for the long weekend from school, and apparently is coming back this weekend as well. i think the world will stop turning if he comes home two weekends in a row!

Daughter is working hard, with a job, her school, and babysitting now and then. She's a pretty responsible teenager, and i'm a lucky mom to have such a good relationship with her.

And that's about all, pretty boring life around here.

Oh wait. There *was* one more thing...

i PASSED my test!!!!

And haven't stopped smiling since i found out this morning. i'm half afraid my face may freeze this way, which would make sleeping, eating, and other...intersting things ... a bit difficult.

Padrone, i can never thank You enough for the guidance, the support, the encouragement, the accountability, and most of all the belief in me that You gave so freely...and continue to give and give and give. i am a very, incredibly, wonderfully lucky slave to belong to the wonderful man that You are. Thank you, Padrone. i am Yours.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Buona Pasqua - Happy Easter!

Well, it is Easter in italy already, and so i wish my Master a wonderful day of food and fun and family! Miss You already, Padrone.

And, i wanted to thank libby for the sweet award she gave my blog - the Beautiful Blogger Award! Here is what she said about my blog:

"schiava (or 'titty' as i know her) - for having such a beautiful example of a long-distance M/s relationship and blogging so openly about the ups and downs of living within such a dynamic"

Thank you libby! Those kinds of thoughts are so encouraging, especially when i lose focus on what my blog is all about, and what it isn't as well.

Now i have to name 3 others, and narrowing the list is not easy. i follow several (which i haven't taken the time yet to add to a blogroll, but i hope to do that tomorrow), and they are all interesting in varied ways and for different reasons.

But the three i would like to single out as being beautiful bloggers....which i chose for the way their words impact *me*, not for any other reason, are:

mouse - while i don't always understand or agree, she has a way of making me think..and rethink what i believe...in such a gentle, non-judgemental way. She simply states her thoughts, her beliefs, and discusses things regarding her relationship and her personal growth...in ways that make me feel as if she is talking directly to me. Thank you, mouse, for opening my eyes to the realities of living with a Master, something i have never yet done.

greengirl - her blog always makes me think. She and her husband are learning and growing and her "wonderings" always make me think. This blog is extremely intellectual at times, and at times over my head (i can be a bit slow now and then, as y'all know well), but i love the challenge of her wonderings and her realizations and hearing about how they are learning together how to do what she calls TTWD.

And the third was a very, very difficult decision for me to make. i have several that i like to read, some seem a bit more...judgemental...than others, and so i won't include them. Libby already has hers, as does morningstar. And so i will name my third beautiful blogger to be...

spirited one - she is as open as possible about her life, and i admire that tremendously. She tries hard to balance wife, mother, submissive, author, and emotional healing, and those things are not easy to do...and even more difficult to blog openly about. She is another that i would love to pick up the headphones on skype and simply call to chat, feeling (as i do with mouse and greengirl) almost as if i know her already through her words on her blog. That, to me, is an amazing thing, and one that i deeply appreciate about her and her blog!

And beyond those things, please everyone, have a wonderful Easter! i will blog again soon.

Padrone, Buona Pasqua e Pasquetta!