Thursday, December 31, 2009

i've been remiss

but not missing in action.

i've been busy (haven't we all?), Christmas, kids, the ex finally getting a job, my own job taking adjustments, plans for the future coming far too soon, and...well, sickness and irritability aren't very good companions this time of year either.

Maybe it's because it's New Year's Eve and the calendar turns a new page and we all have to start typing and writing 2010 rather than 2009 tomorrow, but most people i know have been in reflective kinds of moods. i am no exception.

The past week or so i have come to some conclusions that have been extremely difficult for me to reach, but i had to get there eventually. i've concluded that i am tired of feeling on the fringe of family life (with my parents, siblings, extended family). i have concluded that i made a huge mistake a few years ago when i opened up to someone in the family regarding my childhood abuse. i have concluded that sometimes silence is golden, and preserving relationships is sometimes more important than individual gratification. i have concluded that i despise the position i put myself in when i trusted that time would heal wounds.

It's too easy to blame the ones who treat me differently now. It's too easy to say "who cares"? because i do care. These people are people i grew up around, who i played with as a child, who shared the same Granny, who share the same memories now. It hurts to be totally cut out of their lives like a bag of garbage simply because they refuse to accept what happened to me. i understand their point, i do. And yet i know that if i had simply said nothing....gone for counselling without saying a word....that things would be different now, probably.

Things are different now for me as a woman as well. One of the cousins added me to facebook, has sent "ihearts" and "cafe world" and "farmville" gifts, but has yet to speak to me there, not even "liking" my status when Mark Ingram won the Heisman or when Alabama beat the snot out of Florida. Her mother (the widow of one of my molesters, go figure) added me, and the same thing....generic contact without any conversation at all. One of my sisters in law even refuses to add me as a friend on facebook, much less speak to me in person. So what happens when we all get together?

Just hurt feelings, things i shouldn't be hurt about because i am the one who brought them on myself. Things i shouldn't be hurt about because i tend to expect too much from people, and too soon. i won't be forgiven for breaking this silence, and i finally, finally realized it. It hurts because i had hoped, even though i didn't think i did. Sometimes i guess we don't recognize hope until it's gone.

So now, i am in the process of regrouping. This really hit hard today for some reason, this plus so many other things in December that have been hard. It's not an easy month but this year it seemed more difficult than usual. i'll make it, i don't stay down for long, and the new year holds lots of promise for me, and the potential for the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, so i do have a lot of work ahead of me, and a lot of good things happening. i'm just letting myself grieve over the loss of family for a little while first.

i'll probably be embarrassed that i talked about this, tomorrow - lol. Oh well, there's always delete post option!

Padrone, not the kind of post i usually make, and i know i share too much here at times. But it just feels right to kind of....purge the emotions through sharing. i know everyone is glad i did (major sarcasm there, btw). Padrone, i am so deeply grateful for You. i can't ever convey how deeply grateful i feel without it sounding as if i think i am nothing and You are everything, but You know that isn't how i see it. i know i am a strong, worthwhile woman with a lot of potential - it is just that i see just how big a part You played in bringing me to the point of accepting and enjoying who i am. Right now i am a bit melancholy i guess, reflective and admitting mistakes made and feeling regrets for my lack of wisdom in handling that situation, but You know that i will learn from this, grow from it, and work to make myself into a better woman, and a better slave, for You.

i love You, and i can't imagine life without You, Padrone. Happy New Year, Padrone and everyone!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Mirror, Mirror

i've been thinking lately about the distorted way we see ourselves. We each have a "mirror" which reflects our vision of who we think we are, and it is shaped by images, ideas, thoughts, circumstances, situations from our pasts.

i think that is pretty much universally accepted. What i think so many have problems understanding is that this mirror does indeed provide a distorted reflection of who we are, and by our acceptance of such distortion, we limit ourselves in so many ways!

But i guess it doesn't matter *which* perception we have of ourselves, we would limit ourselves, and never reach our full potential. Actually none of us could ever reach our full potential, because that would mean there would never be room for improvement, and there is always room for that.

i just think of how my own mirror's reflection has changed in the past 7 or 8 years. It all began when i admitted, without a qualification, that i have good insights into relationships. And for a long time i simply dwelt on that statement that i didn't, refused to, say "yes but" to, and watched the mirror's reflection change slowly, and learned to recognize the "new" person whose reflection i saw.

After becoming Padrone's slave, and seeing the dangers to our relationship of staying just the way i was, i began to peek into the mirror again, slowly and with great fear. Change is always stressful, most especially when it is ourselves, or our perception of ourselves, that is what is changing. The reflection isn't as static as some would have us believe. But our fears can cause us to see the ever-changing mirror as more of a photograph.

That's a real problem for most of us at one point in time or another, as we learn about ourselves and grow as humans. And frankly, i think it *can* be as much a problem for Dominants as for submissives, for those with healthy childhoods and for those who have distortions from "healthy" in their backgrounds. i honestly think that we, as humans, can and often do become complacent in who we think we are, accepting the familiar image in the mirror and not seeing the distortions that are there, nor allowing changes to happen to help clarify the reflection.

For me, it has been Padrone's view of myself (in itself a bit distorted simply because of distance and limited contact, although he knows me better than anyone else ever has), that has almost forced me to peek into the mirror to see what he sees that is so impressive to him. And you know what? As that image is becoming more clear to me, more familiar, i am accepting it more and more. i kind of like it, too.

There are times when i struggle, of course. When i make the same mistakes i always have, for instance, all the old emotions tend to bring back into clear focus the "old" image of myself, and that's the reflection i accept for a while. i guess we all do that to an extent.

And i guess i said all that to simply say that i know beyond a doubt that change is possible, but it is one of the most difficult things i have ever experienced in my life. But the drive to be the best possible person i can be, to make Padrone proud of me (that was the first "reason" i began to look into the mirror again, and to open up and change and let walls fall down and reveal the "real" me)....the drive to be my best so that i can truly give my best....those things made the difficult necessary, and the reward of a more positive self-image, the clearer and more attractive reflection in the mirror, has made the difficult totally and absolutely worthwhile.

Padrone, it was the fact that what You saw in me was so totally opposite to what i saw when i looked into my "mirror" that caused me to look a little deeper. You made me question all the things i thought i "knew" about myself, and things i had accepted as inevitable, as unchangeable, i began to see weren't so. The gratitude i feel for what You have done for me is something i can never fully express, yet i know You understand just how deep it is. And i also know that my submission is worth far more now that i accept that when i give myself to You, i truly do give a gift of great value. You are worth everything i can do to make that gift even better, to improve myself and my life, so that what You own is better and better and better. You are such a good man, and i am so glad to belong to You, my Padrone.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Just life things

i think i may finally be getting into the Christmas spirit, which is a good thing since Christmas is only a couple of weeks away! i haven't yet decorated anything, and that's alright, it will make it more special if we see the tree, the decorations, for only a few days as opposed to several weeks! That's my justification at least - lol.

My son is home from school, which is wonderful for the first few days at least! No, really, i miss him when he's gone, and i am glad he's home now, and i'll be glad until he leaves (except when he pisses me off but that's life!). Daughter is really excited about Christmas this year, and she's the kind for whom the gifts (which will be VERY sparse this year) aren't as important as the traditions. Those i can provide without much effort, and i'm grateful that she is so easily pleased. Son told me today that he doesn't really expect or want much this year either, which is yet another good thing - he is the more materialistic of the two.

AND, miracle of miracles, i found the PERFECT gift for Padrone, accidentally but hey, i'm taking credit for it anyway! He loves a particular sci-fi author, and i remembered the name, happened upon a book that was new but very inexpensive, bought it (because i could read it if he already had it, to try to see what is so great about it, or return it if i didn't want to read it)....and lo and behold he didn't have it, AND he wanted it, was about to order it for himself! *doing a happy dance*
It may not be sent until after Christmas, but that doesn't matter to either of us. i'll wrap his gifts in Christmas paper and he can have TWO Christmases!

i just wish i could send some of the candy i usually make, but i know it wouldn't last to ship that way. Oh well, he'll just have to have a taste when he comes over here, eventually!

And yes, we finally had a chance for some time alone, for closeness, for use, for reinforcing the emotions, the roles, meeting the deep and basic needs we each have within our personalities. Sometimes we simply need to EXPRESS the Dominance and the submission in a deep, distinct, unique, relevant and obvious way. i know we aren't alone in that, although maybe not in the way we don't usually make an express effort to show the D/s so strongly. Maybe that's why we sometimes simply need to reinforce it, i don't know. All i know is that i am so very, very happy to be his woman, his slave, his love...and i will do all i can to make him as happy as i am.

i am one lucky woman, that i know. But i also know that he is lucky as well. We have found something very special with each other, especially within the D/s "world"...and especially long distance.

i love You, Padrone. i love You. i am so glad You have foresight, patience, even when You have deep and driving needs. How very blessed i am.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

*****Whiny-butt post alert*****

Don't say you weren't warned. Whine ahead. i hate it. But i guess i needed to vent, who knows?

Well. This is one of those posts that i am typing because my week is almost up and i haven't typed one yet, frankly. i have a lot going on here where i live, but don't seem to have any time at all. i can't tell you the last time i've had just an hour or so without anything to do, or think about doing, or check on for someone, or fetch and carry or something. i really need a break, and i hope something is going to happen to allow that soon.

Oh for a day off. A half a day....2 hours, to do nothing but what i want to do, phone off, computer off, be unavailable to anyone except myself. Recharging some batteries with a book, sitting on a comfortable chair, simply thinking of the characters and *their* situations, circumstances, lives, for a change, and...never mind. What a dream, though, huh?

It snowed here last night though, amazingly enough! Southeastern US got snow in December! It was very pretty and i had a blast in it while at work, going out and grinning and lifting my face to watch it fall and having to clean my glasses every time, but never resisting the urge to do it again and again, as often as i could! We got around 1-2 inches i guess, but of course the temp is going up today and it's melting now. That's alright. Snow falling at night, here, is almost magical in a way. It's very rare, and very special. i far prefer falling snow to snow on the ground, as i guess many of us do. i love it on the ground if it's undisturbed, but how often does that happen? Once a day, if then, i guess. Anyway, next...

i haven't had much time to give to Padrone lately either. It seems as if there is always something dragging and pulling me away from our time together, and i hate it. It bothers me that i can't even remember to type an email (which i have done twice this week), and i have cried buckets already today, and feel like a failure again because i just can't seem to do it all. What Padrone requires isn't that demanding as a whole, but everyone else seems to expect more and more of me. Add that to starting a new job and learning new things there, studying for my second Praxis, and Christmas coming...who can think about Christmas? i can't even give Padrone what He so deserves from the woman he owns. i feel as if i am in the midst of a meltdown, and i don't know what to do about it. Oh well, this too shall pass, i know.

My ex has been around quite a bit lately, because he is unemployed and looking for a job. It's hard to find one around here anyway, but this time of year it's impossible. i've been helping him out because he is computer illiterate to the point that he has no clue how to even turn one on, much less what to do when it is on. So he now has a resume and several online applications (and handwritten ones as well) turned in, has had one interview, has another on Monday, and has some contracting work he can do in the interim. The best part? The closest job he is applying for is an hour's drive from here! That would be WONDERFUL! He is leaving for the contracting job on Monday evening (i assume, i really hope he doesn't get it into his head to wait until he hears from the interview on Monday, because that could be a week or longer i'm sure. Ugh, i really, REALLY hope he leaves!)

Son should be home from college next week. He made a stupid mistake in one of his classes, and error in judgement, and it cost him in his grades. i see his point, but i guess homeschooling taught him a bit *too* much independence, because i, a product of public schools, can understand the concept of "give the teacher whatever they want, even if it evolves into an unpleasant situation", whereas he thinks along the lines of "that just isn't *right*, and i'm going to (insert protesting action - i.e. action that cuts off nose to spite face - here). i really do admire his passion and desire to stand up for what is right, but he has to learn some of the "give them whatever they want to get the grade" mentality. That's sad to me, and it's one of those results from homeschooling that i didn't foresee. Actually, i probably didn't remember it being as prevalent in college as it is where he goes, and that's probably why i neglected to prepare him for it. One of the positives of homeschooling is also one of the negatives when it comes to furthering education - flexibility and promoting individual thinking. Never mind, this isn't a "homeschool vs. public/private school" discussion, i promise.

Daughter really enjoyed the snow last night as well, even if i wasn't here with her until very late. We had fun watching it, laughing, and hugging - lol. She's got a job that isn't giving her many hours, but i really think they have so many new folks to train that they can't have them all in there at once so they're kind of doling it out gradually. She'll get there.

i haven't put up a tree or even thought of Christmas yet. And i won't for a little while - i just can't yet. i'm not sure what it is but this year i more dread Christmas than anything else, right now at least. Next time i type here i may be filled with Christmas spirit and totally out of my "Scrooge" mood!

Because i have changed jobs and had to deal with the ex so much more than usual lately, i haven't had much time to spend with Padrone, and i miss it. i miss You, Padrone. And really, i don't miss the use, the service, as much as i simply miss talking and laughing with my love when we both have privacy. i hope it happens soon, Padrone. Very, very soon.

A kiss from Your beloved and devoted schiava.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Quickie

i've been trying to update for a day or so, but it's been an incredibly emotional place for me lately, and my thoughts have been too theoretical to type coherently.

Here's a teaser, though. i had a very strong, deep need for humiliation, expressed the need, was deeply humiliated, reacted to that (either the need or the expression of it, haven't figured it out yet - not the humiliation itself though, had a long, long talk with Padrone, and now i have a better sense of what is going on mentally, but i honestly have no idea how to think about it coherently, or how to word things clearly.

About anything, i'm afraid.

Had a nice Thanksgiving, cooked, stuffed myself, and worked. Shopped a little yesterday, things like that. Typical for me, until i get the kind of job i want and then i won't have to work over Thanksgiving break anymore! :)

i'm so lucky to have such a wonderful Master. He opens his heart to me, shares not only his thoughts but his feelings, discusses his own needs and desires and where they come from, and usually has an uncanny ability to tell me what i need to hear in order to find my way to acceptance, peace, and the ability to cope and deal with things that upset me about myself.

Padrone, this is short, and may not make sense to anyone other than me and You but i know it will to You. i am so deeply grateful that You made the opportunity for us to talk last night, even though Your circumstances weren't ideal for it. i am also deeply grateful that You give me time to work through the difficult things. You are a wonderful and amazing man, and the best Master i could ever hope for. i love You.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Needs and neediness

So spirited has me thinking, again. Your questions made me think about what i have struggled to accept in my submission, and why. So i'm going to type my own experience and thoughts here, just to get them out of my head!

Why do we need what we need? Why does our need deepen like it does so often? What does that say about us as women, as individuals?

And maybe most importantly of all - how do we reconcile the things we need with who we think we are?

i have to say that pain, the physical sensation of it, has never really been something i ever thought much about needing. Maybe that's because the need i have isn't necessarily for the pain itself, it is for the intense connection i feel when i surrender myself to the pain for the pleasure of the inflictor. i've always been a pleaser, so when my first Dom wanted pain, i took all i could just because he was a sadist and needed to give it. It's far more emotional than physical, for me.

What has tripped me up in my journey has been humiliation. The struggle to accept my need, to understand it, to realize that it is simply part of who i am and not something i can ignore or fight without creating major issues for myself, has been a struggle of immense proportions between who i want to be and who i am. Maybe it should read "who i want others to see, and who i am", i'm not sure how to word that exactly.

So i am going to talk about my own journey into acceptance, as far as i have gotten, of this deepening need for humiliation of mine.

i guess the most natural place to start is with the why. Why do i crave humiliation, even though i hate it with a passion? What is it inside me that makes me need to be degraded and debased in grand fashion? The answer, when it came to me, makes sense to me although it may not to anyone else. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse and incest from a very young age, and as my psyche really seems to equate "love" with "sex", and "abuse" with men, i have known for a long time that i have to relearn what being loved is. The problem is that i spent FAR more years with crossed wires, that now they can't totally be "uncrossed". So there is a part of me that needs to reaffirm Padrone's love for me by being humiliated by him. (yeah, i know i'm screwed up, but at least i understand the crossed wires, mostly!)

Another big part of the why is the fact that i have really huge emotional scars from the abuse - not the least of which is the need to be perfect, and the knowledge that no matter how hard i try i won't ever be perfect, and so i need to show the WORST i am, and i need for Padrone to understand just how poorly i see myself at times, in order for me to accept that he sees me totally differently. Ugh, i really don't have a clue if that makes sense or not.

But i was so put down by my mom when i was a kid, for anything that was....not even bad, just less than perfect - *her* idea of perfection - that i honestly can't fully accept that Padrone doesn't need that kind of behavior from me. It can drive him insane at times when i get upset when i fail in my obedience. i know it can, and i really am working on that, and knowing how we see things differently helps tremendously, but the bottom line is that i don't want Padrone to ever think badly of me. My history is wrought with people who i have disappointed who have never, ever let me forget it. Even my brother mocks me still for the one time i let the water boil out of a boiler when i was cooking - he says every time i see him "at least i don't burn water". It gets old after 30-35 years, yanno?

But i *am* the one who "burned water". i *am* the one who disappointed, whose true colors aren't what many folks in my life want to see, whose true self is rarely seen and has never been accepted or made to feel acceptable the few times when it has been. i need for Padrone, now and then, to see just how ugly i view myself, at times, and accept me anyway, care for me anyway, love me anyway, and be proud of me anyway.

Sometimes i feel the need to be "punished for living". i can't explain it any more than that, but humiliation, and pain to a large degree, helps me purge the guilt i have always felt - victim's guilt yes, but also guilt for some of the major mistakes i have made, and even guilt for decisions made.

Sometimes it is merely a way to say "look, Padrone...see how low i will become, for Your pleasure and amusement? See how far i will go to prove myself to You? See how much i will take to show how owned and surrendered i am?" Sometimes i need simply because it expresses who HE is in a way that words never can. i think the need for pain may be something similar, in that one respect at least.

For me, it's just natural that the need deepens and grows. i kind of think of it as an affirmation that my needs are being met on one level, and it grows to the next level then. Sometimes, with humiliation, familiarity creates a cushion from the sharp sting of it - the more one does some things, or experiences them, the less effective they become as means of humiliation. So the need for more deepens. Maybe with pain it is similar. Whatever creates the need for pain, maybe the familiar kind of pain loses effectiveness over time? i don't know, just a random thought there.

i really used to struggle with the idea that i was abnormal because of my needs. And of course, it's definitely not "small talk" topic, that's for sure! But i have come to accept, with Padrone's help and guidance, that what we need isn't something common to all of humankind, and so we aren't going to feel "normal" all the time. What does it say about me as a woman to need the kinds of things i need? i used to wonder about this to the point of worrying (i know, no surprise there, Padrone). But now i realize that, when i finally opened this door, recognizing and accepting this need even though i didn't understand it or trust it to be good for me, what i did was open a door to emotional health.

Yeah, i know, it sounds insane. Maybe it is, but i realized that there are things i can't ever change about myself, my emotional life. Things from my past have shaped me and wired me to the point that there are some things that just are. But i had no really good, effective way to deal with them, until i finally gave in to the strange craving to be deeply and terribly humiliated. As that has happened, i, somehow, have been able to see, to understand, and to let go of some things that i never dreamed possible. i've also learned confidence in areas of my life which i thought were doomed. i know it is strange. i know it is really a bizarre, backwards way to look at things, but for me, going back into the terrible self-worth, expressing it freely, temporarily....being cared for, about, and held safely while i am doing it, and afterwards as i come back into myself....has been the key for me to accept all the things i have kept hidden all my life.

And i think that answered the last question i asked at the first of the post. i have reconciled what i crave with who i am simply because i accept that it is a path along the journey to emotional health - a place i could never have reached without it. i would have always been needy in ways that would potentially damage our relationship, had i not found the way to reconcile the girl i have always thought myself to be with the woman i am learning that i am - or at least have the potential to be.

Padrone, words can't even begin to express the gratitude, the simply overwhelming trust, and peace, i have in my life now, simply because You have gotten to know me. You have learned about me, not just things that have happened in my life but also who i am...not simply the facade but Your woman as a whole. You have accepted, loved, and comforted me. You have shown Your feelings for me over and over, constantly and consistently. i truly have no words to express how that makes me feel. i am simply Yours, gratefully and devotedly and proudly - Yours.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Escalating needs

i've been thinking lately about changes and growth in relationships. i remember when i was with my first Dom, and he told me about things he had done and seen with others, and i remember not saying a word but thinking....there is no WAY i would EVER do anything like that!

The funny thing is, even though we were together less than a year, the things we would do at the end of our relationship were almost unrecognizable when compared to what we did in the beginning. And there were things that, because i was blindfolded during much of the time we scened, i didn't recognize as being humiliating. i mean, how humiliating can it be to be written on with lipstick, if the wearer has no idea what the lipstick spells out?

And i guess that's what has been on my mind lately regarding my relationship with Padrone. We've been delving into humiliation in a pretty big way, and once that door was cracked, there was not only no shutting it, but there has been a widening of the crack. The needs have escalated, the expression of our needs and the fulfillment of them has gotten more intense and... more ....i don't know the word, more strong or intense or something. That's only natural i suppose. But it has made me think....what if?

What if the need deepens and grows until it is too big to be managed? What if it becomes unhealthy? What if what i crave, or what he wishes to do, unknowingly harms? What if i can't trust myself to know when to beg for a break? What if my need to give, to suffer, to empty myself and be filled by Padrone becomes something i can't judge to be good or bad?

i know those things won't happen. i'm thinking hypothetically here, and maybe i am on the brink of a bit deeper insight into what those who go off the "deep end" experience, and why they can't/don't/won't see the dangers of what is happening to them. Maybe i am learning to understand, just a tiny bit, the "addiction" to ... whatever. Some call it control, some call it subspace, i call it being emptied and refilled....the name doesn't matter, and it could possibly be any of those for any of us. The key to not being "lost", to being able to safely give and know that we won't be harmed, is knowing that our Master holds us as dear to him as his own heart.

There is not even a speck of concern about any of these things happening to me, as long as Padrone owns me. Padrone is the most caring, concerned, controlling, loving, and protective man i know, and i am extremely safe, cherished, and securely held as is humanly possible for me to be. He is cautious where i would rush into something. He is protective where i would give even when it harmed me. He is absolutely wonderful to me, and i truly think that because i have what i have with him, i am able to see the other side, to wonder, to ponder, and to learn.

Padrone, i love You, and i am grateful to You for the security which You have granted me simply by being who You are. i am grateful that i can explore my needs, the escalation of them, and express things like i did this morning and know that You hear without judging me for them. You are so good to me, and i am forever Your owned property - Your schiava.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Quick and Dirty. Or Clean.

This week's post is a short one, because i'm a bit irritable and feeling really bad that i couldn't spend the kind of time with Padrone that we both need, and that he asked for tonight. i am so very sorry, Padrone.

i've been really busy with work, the ex who got fired last week and is hanging around more than ever, making calls about jobs, studying for certification test (studying more tonight, Padrone), daughter's schooling, and the few chores i have managed to find time for in between.

It seems that, this week specifically, Padrone and i have had so little time together. And a circumstance change next weekend will mean we will have to give a bit more .... thought, i guess .... about when we'll be able to talk. It's alright, we've been through the same thing for years, sometimes it is worse than at other times, but i always feel badly when i can't meet the need that he is so patient about when he feels it and i can't be available.

Anyway, i truly hope that tomorrow is a better day and we can connect in a deep way, a way that centers me and refocuses each of us and truly energizes us in our relationship. i need it. i need to give of myself to Padrone, to be used to meet his own needs. i really need to pour myself out ....empty all of me, and be refilled with Padrone's control. I don't know if that makes sense or not, and it really doesn't express what i want to say but ... it's the best i can do tonight.

Padrone, i am so sorry about tonight, and i am sorry this blog post is short and a bit hurried. i will try to type more tomorrow - i'll be rested and off work - things that have been scarce lately as You know.

i love You, Padrone.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A few more thoughts

i've been thinking a bit more, after typing yesterday's post. i realized that i kind of presented a contraction, without meaning to!

See, i am very much a slave, and Padrone is very much a Master, but our relationship is not usually overtly M/s. So i kind of wanted to explain what makes our "vanilla- looking" relationship, not vanilla.

What has happened in our relationship is that we have learned to trust each other, within the roles we live, and that has allowed us to relax and be ourselves outside the D/s realm. What i mean is that, since Padrone knows i will do all i possibly can to obey him, he doesn't have to oversee me unless he simply wants to do so...he can relax after giving me an order or a task, and know that if i don't get it done, something is wrong. And since i know that he won't overwhelm me to the degree that i can't function in my life here because of things he expects of me, then i can afford to give all my focus on his needs and desires and relax into obeying without worrying about being found "wanting". He won't set me up to fail, and i will put his tasks high on my priority list when i'm given them to do.

That is an example of how we have learned to live D/s within the realm of reality, and the difference between how we live and a vanilla relationship. It just is who we are, how we express our personalities, and a natural part of our relationship. i have rules that are in place, of course....a framework within which i can express my submission without having to think, obsess, or worry about it. This way i obey even when i am not given a specific extra task or orders. And Padrone, even before he set a new rule in place, gave a ton of thought about it in regards to whether or not it was even possible within my circumstances.

The D/s in our relationship is always present. It is always expressed even if not in an obvious way. i don't have to be constantly watched, or overseen, to be obedient. He doesn't have to constantly oversee or watch in order to control. He knows that i don't see him as "weak" if he doesn't feel overtly Dominant. He doesn't see me as disrespectful if i don't feel overtly submissive. The expression of those parts of our personality are so much a part of our everyday life that anything above what is already there is an expression of a deep need.

What makes us not vanilla, even though a lot of our interaction *is* vanilla? The underlying presence of the D/s framework that i am deeply grateful for, and which allows us to be free to express every part of our personalities, not just the limited parts of Master and slave. We live D/s, we don't have to make any effort to show who we are or how we feel. We DO, when we want to, but we don't HAVE to in order to experience the D/s in our relationship.

i love what we have, and how we live. i love knowing that we can talk about every part of our lives and enjoy simply being with each other, without worrying whether or not i'm "topping from the bottom" if i express an opinion strongly, or if he is domineering rather than dominant if he is "too controlling".

i'm not sure if i really answered the original question. All i know is that it has taken a long, long time....lots of sincere communication....building trust over years, not weeks or even months....openness and acceptance....for us to reach the point we are now. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen without work and change and lots and lots of discussions of philosophy. It didn't happen simply because Padrone said it would. It didn't happen because i manipulated it into place. It happened because we both took and gave and compromised and grew as people into who we are, so we could have what we have.

And dear Lord, it is worth it.

Padrone, thank You for being who You are to me, for me, and with me. Thank You for allowing me to be myself as well. That is the greatest gift You could ever give me, the freedom to be myself. And yes, i'm on a roll, with even more thoughts rolling around in my poor blonde brain, so maybe more words later, or tomorrow, Padrone! *kiss*

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What makes me a slave

Well, i've been thinking about something Padrone mentioned, and i guess it's time i type those thoughts out. A warning though, they may not be coherent in the least!

i've typed about how our relationship has evolved into one that looks quite vanilla on the surface. A lot of the ways we interact are "vanilla", without overt D/s overtones apparent. So maybe, just maybe, that begs the what makes me call myself slave?

Is it because of the kinkiness that Padrone and i share? Maybe. Is it because of my desire to please him? Maybe. Is it because of a need to feel his control often throughout my day? Maybe.

It's all of those things and so much more.

My basic personality is one of submissiveness. i am not one of those women who is assertive in her "other life". i am more passive, more of a pleaser, more of a follower under most circumstances than many submissive women are with others than their Master. i have often called myself a wimp. i feel the need for approval of most everyone around me, and that causes me numerous problems at times. (Well, that's changing due to Padrone's influence. Yay!) i do have circumstances when i lead rather than follow, but to be honest a lot of what i do is sit back and watch and learn and either keep my mouth shut or join in. Rarely will i just say "come on, sheesh, let's just get going here!" or whatever.

i realize that part of it is the folks i associate with. i am what is commonly called "underemployed". The type of person one associates with regularly while underemployed aren't necessarily the type who are willing to accept input. So it's a case of "mouth shut, do work, get paid". Hey, i LIKE the get paid bit! With professionals, i tend to judge myself and find myself lacking and all intimidated and such, so i am passive then as well. At church it's a different kind of thing. i merely *act* passive there. i socialize of course, and enjoy it, but they are also a far more....strict....kind of devoted worshipper than i have grown into being, and that kind of leads me to keep my mouth shut there as well, nod and smile and listen to the spouting of less tolerant views that i hold. Even with my kids there is a large part of myself held back, which is only natural. :)

But it's the same way with everyone. We each exhibit different behaviors in different circumstances, and even for the most Dominant person there is a time for silence and passive behavior. That's living life in general. So what makes me different? What is it about myself that makes me call myself a slave?

First would naturally have to be the extreme submissiveness of my personality. i *can* take charge, and i have when necessary. i enjoy it at times and to a degree. But i would never want to have that kind of control/responsibility for another person, or persons, all the time. For me, serving others comes naturally, in a way that makes them happy. For me, giving of myself until i am empty and letting Padrone take over is the most fulfilling thing i can think of.

But i am sure there are "vanilla" women who love to please their partners as well, even if maybe not to the same degree or with the same level of acceptance. Even the kinkiness of our relationship reflects that need to give, and to take on his part, that is present in so many relationships. So what else?

Maybe that very acceptance of the submissive part of my personality. i mean, society nowadays has us all wondering about our roles, men and women alike, and it isn't easy saying "this is how i am". i am no longer struggling...not with my submissive nature itself, nor the depth of it. Each of those items has been a very difficult issue for me at some point in my journey. But accepting it meant that i could begin to explore and find out what acting on that submission meant. It opened a door that i didn't even realize was there before i simply said "i'm submissive". It has really opened my eyes to what are probably the biggest differences between me and a "vanilla" partner.

i need. i need, very deeply, many many things. i have clawing needs to be known, to be understood, to be accepted just as i am. i need to change, once i am accepted, into being the best person i can be. i need to be needed, without restraint and without shame. i need to be seen as the very bad, terrible person i sometimes see myself as, and to be made to feel that i'm still loved, wanted, needed. i need to be taken back into the terrible mindset through humiliation, now and then, and safely brought back and loved even more deeply. i need to show just how much i love someone else by doing whatever is asked of me. i need to open myself, keeping nothing hidden....all the good, all the bad, the innocent, the silly, the selfish, the giving....the demons and the amazing *good* that exist side by side within the person of me. i need to show all of that, to reveal the depths of who i am, and be accepted. i need to pour myself out, and to be refilled with Padrone....i need to lose some ways of thinking, about the world, about others, about myself...and see things through the eyes of the man i respect more than i could ever express.

i need the emotional security that only living as a slave can grant me. i need to know that i am loved as unconditionally as one human could love another. i need to have the pillar of my life be one that is secure and unmoving, stable, continuing and unchanging in the important ways. i need to know that my holding on to that pillar is welcome, needed, not a hindrance or a burden. i need to know that, no matter how deeply i need, i am equally as deeply needed. i need to understand that even my ugliness is not a deterrent to my pleasing him. i need to trust, deeply and irrevocably and without doubts. i need to know that the one in whom i trust is worthy of it. i need to be able to go to him with small and large things, to call at a moment's notice to speak of a very slim chance of a good job, or to hear his pride when i move further into my certification. i need to know that i can simply talk things through, clarifying them as i go, and he will listen even when i confuse him, simply because he understands the way i think.

And i need to understand that physical things will be expected, demanded of me. i need to know that he can take what he wishes from me, mentally, physically, emotionally....especially when i don't want to give it. i need to be controlled, to be accountable for my actions, my words, my desires. i need to be taken and shown that kind of control, even when i don't want it, simply to meet the need that is difficult to admit. And i need to understand that HE understands when pushing me would do more harm than good.

i need to know that the respect i feel is deserved by the one i give myself to. i need to feel intensely grateful for things in my life. i need to give the credit for so many of the good things to someone else - so that i can be freed to simply enjoy them. And i need to give....and give and give and give....

i need the structure of expectations on my time, my thoughts, my behaviors. i need to live by the basic concept of choices and consequences, punishment and reward. i need to be accountable for my actions. i need the framework i have in place now, and i need to know that my behaviors and words reflect on my Master, even if noone else realizes that they do.

i honestly have no idea how to coherently put into words what makes me a slave, someone who could never live in a "vanilla" relationship now. So many of the things i mentioned have been established long ago, so that what we live now may *seem* vanilla to some folks on the outside looking in.

All i know is that what we have is very much M/s, even if we have never met. Who we are - most definitely Master, and most definitely slave. We live within the realm of reality, rather than a fantasy world of D/s, and living as a slave in a M/s relationship has allowed my slave nature to be revealed and explored in ways i have never experienced before. It has been interesting, fun, and challenging to learn about myself as a slave, and it has only been possible because Padrone is the kind of Master he is.

Padrone, i know this isn't exactly what we talked about in terms of a blog topic, but i also know that you don't care that i didn't type exactly what you suggested. :) It is, as you have repeatedly said, my words. i am deeply grateful for the respect you show me in that attitude, Padrone, as well as for so much more that you do...say...and give to me, your devoted and grateful slave.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

i'm just happy

i've been "stuck" when thinking about what to type here, lately. In a way that's not a bad thing, because the kind of person i am means that i don't typically type about my daily life, or about specific interactions with Padrone (on a regular basis, it sometimes happens of course. Maybe i should do that more often, huh?). For me, it's usually something that has been on my mind that makes me stop and go "oh yeah" or "wow", or even thoughts that are sparked by words on other blogs or from conversations with other people. Used to i had a lot of thoughts like this, more than now i guess. i have wondered why, and i really think it is mainly because our relationship is more settled, the growth is ... calmer, for lack of a better way to describe it. There are fewer emotional disturbances, dramatic shifts from high to low (note that i did NOT say "fewer dramatic highs and lows", because the highs are always wonderful and getting more high and more dramatic).

What i mean to say is that our relationship is wonderful (NOT perfect by any means, but a very good relationship), and settled from the initial drama, into a pretty consistent "great". Last night, on the way home from work, i was thinking about how happy i am. Just happy. i can honestly say i don't remember just feeling happy about my life, without a "yes but" entering into it. But now...i can.

No, life isn't perfect. Circumstances aren't easy. Not having ever touched my Master. Unfulfilling, boring, job. Very tight finances. The ex. Job hunting. Etc.

But i'm safe. i'm loved. i'm accepted - even the things i never knew about myself because i refused to dig deep enough into the ugliness to see. i'm wanted, needed, held in great esteem by the man who has simply and quietly rocked my world.

He and i talked about what i could type here this week. i'm kind of drawing a blank lately, and it's because a lot of what i type is related to where we are in our relationship. It's good, and i love doing it, but lately Padrone has finally had a taste of the "boring" He needs when things get, and stay, extremely stressful. So it's kind of hard to find things to type about. So anyway, i asked Him earlier this week, and the thought He presented as an idea is one that is still rattling around in my blonde brain. But last night, as i was thinking about it on the way home from work, it really hit me that i am happy in every sense of our relationship.

i mean, truly, soul-deep happy.

That has never happened to me before. The contented kind of happiness that means that i am smiling as i sit at my computer while Padrone is a bit grumpy, knowing that if we were together, i'd simply go about my business, doing chores, or reading, or something inconspicuous...yet almost unconsciously picking up on His vibe so that if He wants or needs me, i'd be around. The kind of happiness that doesn't require reassurance, constant attention, petting, stroking, building, or tending to keep burning. This kind of happiness exists because of the knowledge that it was created by something real, strong, and lasting.

This is going to sound strange, i think, and many may not know exactly what i mean when i say it - but i am happy in a "vanilla" sort of way.

There are times when we in M/s rely too much on feelings to sort of gauge where our relationships are. If we are "feeling" Dominant/submissive, then our relationship is fulfilling and we're happy. If we aren't "feeling" those things, then something is obviously "wrong". i don't agree, but i realize that i am speaking strictly from the perspective i have now - not what i had when our relationship was young.

What i mean is that, now, my being happy has a different cause. i'm happy simply because i am in a relationship with Padrone. Because of who we are, our relationship will always be M/s, but truthfully, the M/s dynamic is expressed less consciously as time passes, allowing the more "vanilla" dynamic to happen...and the simple happiness i find flowing through my entire life is due far more to the "vanilla" dynamic than the M/s. Why? Well, it is the one that will allow us to walk through the mall when we're old, holding hands like the "sweet old couples" we all see. It won't be because i am His slave, it will be because i am the woman in His life, that He loves. He *does* love me because i am His slave, it's a major part of my personality. But He loves me because of most of the rest of my personality, and in spite of parts of my personality, as well. And vice versa of course.

So, here i am, one happy woman in spite of circumstances, and simply because of the love Padrone and i have. Maybe this is a mushy post, but it isn't intended to be. i'm not feeling unusually mushy, i'm just....yes i know y'all are tired of hearing it but...i'm just plain HAPPY, darnit!

And yes, i do love You Padrone. *kiss*

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A bit of Padrone, and Italy, for you

Padrone, as y'all may know by now, is Italian. He loves Italy, of course, and really enjoys sharing His culture with me and with others. He does so through various means, but one which i will share with you is through music.

Padrone translates songs from Italian into English, subtitles videos with the translations, and posts the videos on youtube. Personally, i love them, and it's just time to share them with others. So i'll embed a couple here, and try to figure out a way to make them a permanent, yet periodically rotating, part of my blog. If y'all have any ideas on how to do this, AND the ability to teach a challenged woman how, please let me know!

For now, i'll simply embed them into posts now and then, and hope that y'all will search for the others if you're interested. His name there is FrantiSir. :)

From mushy to fun!:

i am also including more of "Italy" on my blog. i've added a couple of things to the layout but i'm not sure which will stay, if either of them will. The pics of Italy on the sidebar and the Italian word of the day, obviously at the top of the blog - each of them will bring a bit of Padrone and His world to y'all as well. i hope y'all enjoy it!

Padrone, i love You, i love Your country, and Your culture. The language is beautiful even if i am too challenged to learn it well! i am proud to be owned by an Italian man, proud that You choose to share Your love of Your culture with me, and proud to be Your slave...Your woman. Thank You for simply being who You are, my Master.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Punishment and being fair

So last week i was sick. i had H1N1 (i *just* learned it isn't N1H1 like i thought for so long. Who cares anyway? It will always be swine flu to most of us!) i got and took Tamiflu very early after the onset of symptoms, so the duration of my own illness wasn't long. i still feel a bit congested in my chest, and cough a little, but i am MUCH better, believe me! So is my son, who is back at school, btw.

But something rather interesting happened last week, on the very day i got sick. Padrone, the night before, had assigned a task for me to perform when i got up the next morning, and i was to text when i had done it. I had to work very early, and this task was one he had never asked of me was also extremely humiliating.

Well, i had coughed a tiny bit late that night, and woke up coughing that morning, and i simply forgot to do the task. That makes me squirm and want to justify myself even just typing it! But from worrying about my son, about leaving him alone with him so sick, and wondering if i should call in to work or go (i had had a sore throat over the weekend and couldn't be *absolutely* sure i was getting H1N1....and calling in is something i would feel stupid about in a "what if" kind of situation)...anyway, all of those things combined with my feeling ill, simply ran the thing out of my mind.

i failed to obey.

When Padrone realized it, and saw that i had indeed gone to work, he assigned a different that was in the same ballpark as the first, but he also included a caveat - if i didn't do this second task, all day long, then i would have to be punished.

Now, as an aside, i will tell you that Padrone HATES to punish me almost as much as i hate to be punished. Wait, that's not entirely accurate on my part. i hate being punished but i hate DESERVING punishment even more! Anyway, the system we devised after several emotional punishments was that i have a container with several slips of paper on it, with a different punishment on each paper. Padrone and i came up with them together, and He told me which ones to include on the slips of paper. When i need to be punished in a way that doesn't have a "built in" punishment, i have to pick a punishment randomly from the container and do it. It works because i know what is there, so i know the options for punishment. i won't be surprised by something - and he won't have to think of new things or even remember what has worked in the past, because it is in place. Consequences for actions - pretty equal in severity - ALL chosen by Padrone, the specific one randomly chosen by me.

Well, i said it works, but frankly i am not punished very often, so this has actually never been used. i think Padrone is kind of looking forward to it!

So, if i didn't do the alternate task all day long, i would have to pick a punishment.

i got too ill to work very soon after i got there, as i kind of expected, and went home and straight to bed, after taking medicine. i slept from sheer exhaustion and woke up more ill every time i slept. i missed the task, and when i texted Padrone to let him know, i begged to have the punishment postponed until after i was better....but i really was upset at being punished anyway because of how sick i was...i really don't think i *could* have done what he wanted. It wasn't something very dramatic... i was only allowed to use the bathroom during the first 5 minutes of every hour, and i used it at a different time. i just woke up and had to pee, so i did without thinking about it until i got back into bed.

i was so upset, with myself and as time passed, with Padrone. i'm not sure, now, why i was so upset with HIM, except i had told him i was sick with the flu and sleeping most of the time, and usually when i am that sick he lifts the physically restricting requirements (like wearing the brush tail and lapping the bowl first thing in the morning...not something i could do while coughing like i was, etc.) He understands, of course...and i was so surprised when he didn't tell me not to worry about the punishment, that he knew i couldn't restrict my bathroom use to that degree when i was so sleepy and druggy and sick. But he didn't, he simply agreed to postpone the punishment, so i got upset.

Poor Padrone - lol. i cried and cried when we talked that night, cried and coughed and wheezed and i know he didn't understand half of what i was saying! But he said "we'll talk about it when you're better". Ugh. i really hate that, although i KNOW it is wise to do, but *i* feel like something is hanging over my head!

Yesterday i asked him about it.

He rescinded the punishment.

So why am i typing about it?

The reason he gave is that he thought about my circumstances and decided that punishing me would not be fair. It really hit me all over again just how lucky i am. Not that he didn't punish me, although i am DEEPLY grateful for that, as i would have felt resentful and pouted if he had, and i would have had something to get over and i hate getting over things! But i am so grateful that Padrone takes the time to ponder things, to think about them and try to see as many perspectives of the same situation as he can to make as fair a decision as possible.

It made me think, as per usual. Padrone used to tell me that life as a slave was unfair, when i would complain about it. Even now there are times, when he wants to feel the power in a strong way, when he will reiterate the unfairness of my chosen role in our relationship. But he has learned, and i have learned, and we have both grown in this particular aspect of our relationship and now his idea of punishing me is one that i am DEEPLY grateful for.

He simply hates to do it, but he will when necessary, and since i know that because of his consistency in punishing when i need it, then i try very hard to NOT deserve it. AND since he knows THAT about ME, when i do something like forget a task, he recognizes how totally out of character it is, and he begins to look at circumstances.

That day he was so surprised that i didn't do what i was told to do, that he immediately understood that something had prevented it - so instead of immediately punishing he assigned an alternate task. He was faced with a situation he has never faced with me, when i failed in that as well.

But what he did was give himself time away from my sickness-enhanced emotions to think and to look and see just what he had asked of me and just how i would complete it, and he realized that since i was so sick and sleeping and drugged, it was totally understandable that i would have answered nature's call instinctively as i did when i peed when i wasn't allowed to. (i was really so sick and sleepy that i don't remember even going into the bathroom!) In other words, he took the time to look objectively at the circumstances surrounding my disobedience and realized that they were extenuating enough to prevent my total focus on obedience that i try very hard to give. Bottom line, he was fair.

Now, had he thought differently after that kind of perusal, we still would have discussed it. He had said "we'll talk about it when you're better", and that meant we would talk about it, not that he would hand down a decision on THIS particular thing, unilaterally. It could have happened that way of course, and i would have honored it if it had. of course. But he chose to include my input, because he recognized how uncharacteristic my actions were, and he really wanted to know why. His thoughts led him there, but if they hadn't, he planned on listening to my words to understand me a bit better.

We're at the place where understanding the reasons for disobedience is more important than punishment. Disobedience is not something either of us desire - hence rules that challenge but aren't impossible, and designed to fit my life and lifestyle. He hates to punish, have i mentioned that? And i hate to fail, to deserve to be punished....and so what is in place is something that allows us to live our lives naturally and happily, rather than him waiting for the next drama, and me waiting for the shoe to drop all the time. Obedience is what he wants from me, so he puts in place things that allow me to be obedient rather than set me up to fail.

And so, when i can't or don't obey....usually i will text with details why, and he has an idea of what is happening until we can talk in more detail. What happened last week was extremely unusual, and i am so grateful that Padrone acted the way he did and treated me with fairness. Even if he had chosen to punish, it was very fair of him to take the time to think about it and keep the option open to hear my thoughts if needed.

Padrone, i am going to reiterate just how incredibly blessed i am to have you as my Master. You are simply wonderful to me, and i am so deeply grateful - and yes, i acknowledge that some of the gratitude stems from the fact that You chose not to punish me. But that particular choice sent me down a path of gratitude and pondering that will make it even easier for me to feel grateful when You feel it necessary *to* punish, even if i disagree. i have peeked a bit more into Your mind - looking at the way You do things and not just what You do, and that will smooth paths in the future for Your "have to understand why obsessively" slave.

Thank You for honoring me with Your respect for my thoughts and feelings, and thank You for showing Your love for me in so many ways. i am grateful that You taught me, long ago, to look for those ways.

i adore You, my Love.

Great Reads

i'm a great read! Alright, so there are blogs "out there" that get every peer acknowledgement known to man, and it doesn't bother me one bit since i type here for Padrone and myself, and love when others read and comment, but don't make "others" or their opinions the reason for my blog. i am the type of person who would go insane trying to please everyone, and obsess if someone disagreed with me, if i had any other attitude, so i don't!

Anyway, spirited listed my blog as a Great Read, which is quite flattering and i am honored that someone i admire so much feels the same about my words!

Here are a few of my own Great Reads. i won't list many simply because many have already been listed by others, but some i simply cannot resist because they truly *are* great reads!

1. spirited - she has a wonderful way with words, and an insight that stems from circumstances that would be challenging if they were the only ones, but which combine to make her insights into D/s, and slavery, very meaningful. It is obvious that she lives what she types...the best kind of blog out there!

2. mouse - mouse is another slave that lives what she types, or types what she lives may be a more accurate description. She is so honest and open about her life and her emotions, and so much of what she says simply hits home with me. i don't comment on her blog much because frankly, i don't have much to say other than "i totally agree"!

3. Sir J - It isn't often that i read a Dom's blog and think to myself - he "gets" it. This is one of those blogs. It is obvious that he uses what Padrone calls common sense in his view of his relationship, and i admire a Dom who can and does look at all aspects of *being* a Dom very carefully, and doesn't simply say "i'm Dom, kneel bitch" or whatever.

4. Vesta - she has a refreshing viewpoint so often, a perspective that is fun and sometimes whimsical, but which opens my eyes to new and different ways to look at things. Her topics are wide and varied as well, which is really interesting. Hers makes me think!

5. libby - the first D/s blog other than my own i ever read. Libby was pretty new as a submissive when i met her, and she has grown from there into a wonderfully giving and loving slave (and new wife) to Sir Peter, a mum to Poppy, and is learning and growing and so busy but yet her posts are thoughtful. i've watched her blog grow and change, and really enjoy reading her words.

6. luna - a blog i can't stay away from. She is so open with her emotions, her struggles, her failures, her frustrations... and her iron gate website has SO much information out there!

That's all i am going to name here. i do read others, but some are so recent that i can't honestly call them "great" reads, and some have been tapped by several others so i chose not to inflate egos here. :)

Btw, i have really enjoyed checking out blogs of those who have listed Great Reads, and this is one of those "acknowledgement" things i'm glad is going around!

Enjoy, and thanks again, spirited!!!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Quick update

Not much meaningful in this post, i'm afraid. Son called me at work the other day and told me that he has swine flu (N1H1 for the purists), and he wanted to come home. So of course i went to get him. And of course i also contracted it.

He didn't get the Tamiflu soon enough for it to be extremely effective, but i did (i *knew* i had been exposed to it, so started taking it as soon as i showed symptoms). i am sure it isn't as severe a strain of flu as others out there, but i can say son has been pretty sick with it. i was too but again, mine should be far shorter in duration - the symptoms at least.

Anyway, this is the first day i have felt like being here, and just wanted to update and let anyone interested know why i haven't been around.

i'll type something meaningful as soon as i can.

*kissing her Master for all His patience and concern*

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

On being a Ferrari

Padrone uses a wonderful analogy at times when He talks of owning me. He compares it to owning a Ferrari, and while of course the "property" analogy is quite obvious, He also uses that analogy to describe His own attitudes regarding owning me, His philosophies and sometimes even His motivations.

It's really cool, being compared with a Ferrari!

But what interests me most is His interpretation of owning me, aka FerrariGirl (sorry, couldn't help myself).

So often we, as slaves, are called property. Many people tend to assume that means we're reduced to mindless, emotionless, need-less *things*. Some would prefer that we not have an original thought in our mind, much less one that differed from their own thoughts. Some would prefer that we were like old-fashioned kids - seen and not heard. Some want robots. But most want it both ways...they want us to be this way when they want it, and at other times they want us to be the intelligent, wonderful women that we are.

It doesn't usually work that way - unless the different needs are well defined and clearly laid out that is. How can it be otherwise? We can't read a mind, even though with Padrone i almost can! But if i had no experience with clear-cut desires, clearly stated, then i would never be able to *almost* read his mind now of course.

What Padrone means when he calls me his property is that i am valued, not as a piece of furniture, but rather as a man values his Ferrari, the one who is lucky enough and rich enough to own one!

Padrone sees himself as lucky to own me, and rich (not in money of course, but in life itself) enough to do so. He has so much to give, so much to offer, and he does so freely....and the mutuality of our relationship means that he gets as much, or more, in return!

Kind of like owning a Ferrari, yanno? The Ferrari is a car meant to be an extreme way. It isn't a car designed to run errands in with the kids! It can be used for that, of course (well, maybe, but at least for more mundane uses) but it is really the kind of car a man looks at and drools over - imagining NOT the Wal Mart parking lot, but rather open road, fast speeds, power, and controlling the machine! But, as a car, it has the more mundane uses that it must be used for - like we live a "vanilla" life so often and the slavery is often beneath the surface of the relationship, so the Ferrari is most often used for "regular" things, and the extreme use is more rare.

A man learns to control the Ferrari, not with the intention of taking anything away from the Ferrari, but rather to FEEL that control of so much power, and also to enable him to "show her off" to more folks! It's one thing to have a Ferrari in the driveway, and a totally different one to drive it down the highway!

But a man takes the time to learn all the controls, all the ins and outs of the car... finding the soft spots that he must be careful of, finding the things he finds consistently reliable... all the eccentricities of his particular car... and that is half the fun of it! Learning by doing....driving, shifting, accelerating, braking, turning, reversing....using the car in every way imaginable, from slow to fast to a normal driving speed....until he knows it inside out and could drive it in his sleep....such a comfortable place, one that he can truly enjoy using it, owning it without working so hard to learn *how* to own it...and a place that others look to in envy at times.

Very similar to his ownership of me, actually.

It took a long, long time for me to think of myself as property. i thought it was demeaning to be dehumanized in that way. Padrone would mention "if i bought you at an auction" or something, and i would cringe inwardly at the thought. (told y'all i valued myself some, even when i would never have admitted it.) i hated being compared with a table, or even the vase on the table. i hated feeling that i had no purpose other than being useful, or decorative, or...anything strictly passive. i also knew that i had no future in that kind of mentality, long term, because of the personality that Padrone loves and doesn't want me to lose.

But a *that's* a different story altogether! Why? Well, because that particular car is one that even *i* envy those who own one!

i mean, everyone knows a Ferrari is a valuable car. Everyone recognizes it by the very NAME - Ferrari. It is valuable because it excels in its performance, especially when used as it is supposed to be used. As a machine, it is subject to idiosyncricies as everything else mechanical is, things that make it unique and which its owner takes much time learning about, as i mentioned above. It isn't "just a car", it is a CAR, and only a few (in the realm of total car owners) are lucky enough to be rich enough and "man" enough to own one.

That is how it should be when one thinks of M/s. The slave should be valued simply by virtue that she IS a slave, but what happens nowadays most often is that the slave is relegated to being "just a slave".

Padrone has spent years learning to "drive" his Ferrari. He has learned me so well that owning me, controlling me, driving me is something He gets even more thrill from now than ever before. He loves to show off His Ferrari, His slave, His woman....and He knows that there are some who envy Him for who and what He owns. It isn't *me* that is envied, rather it is the knowledge that Padrone learned to drive His Ferrari so very well, and has taken such good care of her, that she simply shines with happiness and joy at being His.

And that is what being property means to me. i am not "just a slave", or "just property", although there are times when that perception is very much needed by us both - it is a false perception and that very knowledge is what allows us to go deeper and deeper into the realm of being demeaned with dehumanization. But i realize, now, that the demeaning mindset is simply the extreme "driving" of His Ferrari.

Padrone, thank You for patiently guiding me in the direction of understanding and accepting my place as Your property. Thank You for teaching me my value as such, BEFORE giving the perception of reducing me to "just" anything. Thank You for laying such a positive foundation upon which to build the humiliation that we both need at times.

And most especially, thank You for the care You take of Your Ferrari.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Pondering relationship and reality

i've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks, the past few days especially. My thoughts have been dwelling on where we are now, where we've come from, and how we got here. It's such a wonderful thing to think about.

But of course, those kinds of thoughts take on a life of their own when allowed to, and mine have grown to immense proportions, especially after some wonderful discussions with Padrone about some of the same things, which was really cool that they were on his mind as well, even if in a different way.

Basically, we've come to the conclusion that, while our relationship is still very much a M/s relationship, the overt expression of M/s is not as necessary as it was in the very beginning.

Shocking, i know.

But what has happened is that we have settled into our personalities within the relationship. Yep, not into "roles" or "responsibilities" or "labels", but into our personalities. We talked about this last night, and as i said for the past few days, and kind of wondered about a few things.

Like....the fact that we don't need to overtly express what we are expressing simply because we do so by living within the parameters set into place within the relationship. The control/submission is expressed daily, habitually, via the framework of rules that Padrone built and set into place. Few people would ever know they were there unless they looked very hard to find them.

So where we are right now is in a relationship, period. Probably 90% of our relationship will look "vanilla" because it IS "vanilla" in that there are no overt expressions of M/s visible. We can relate as equals and you know what? It doesn't destroy what we have.

The only way we have been able to get to this point is because we liked each other as PEOPLE from the very beginning. It isn't that we share a ton of interests, it is more that we appeal to each other intellectually, emotionally, and in general. Yes, we do relate to each other in ways that aren't strictly D/s, or not even REMOTELY D/s.

i AM his slave and i always will be. The dynamic is there, it is strong and pure and very real. He controls what he wishes to control in my life, and i know that when we are together those areas may very well change. They may not, it is up to him.

That, to me, is what being slave is all about.

i live my life, period. He can't live it for me, nor would he want to. He has his own life to live, and guess what? It would be this way even if we lived in the same house. Respecting each other as people, as a man and as a woman, as a friend, as a lover, as a mature adult....that is the first cornerstone of any successful relationship, whether D/s or not.

Just because i am slave does not mean that i become useless as a human being for anything other than my Master's whim of the moment. Just because Padrone is a Master does not mean that he becomes useless as a human being for anything other than exerting control over his slave.

As Padrone said recently, the D/s is so deeply and firmly embedded in our relationship, in how we live and who we are, that we just don't even really think about it anymore. We make no effort to .... i don't know, to specifically express D/s simply because we are a D/s couple, if that makes sense. It is there, believe me, and expressed in some very wonderful, special, meaningful ways...but never expressed to...prove something, i think is how i need to word it. We have nothing to prove to anyone about anything. We have already proven ourselves to each other, in the ways that count, and there is no need for it anymore.

It's just who we are.

When we began, of course the D/s played a major part in our relationship - it WAS our relationship for a long time, no matter how drawn we were to each other as people outside the roles we lived, it was relating to each other within those roles that was necessary in the beginning. But the most wonderful thing about successful relationships is that they grow and change and evolve as the people in them grow and change and learn to trust and....settle into who they are to each other.

And the roles are still well defined, and well portrayed in general. i am very respectful, and obedient when given an order, a demand, or a request when possible. If he says he would like to see me do something, like type more often in my blog, then i try to make that happen. But if he were to tell me "i want you to type at least 5 times per week in your blog", i would at first panic and wonder what changed!, then i would make it happen somehow. That is what i mean about being obedient to a request when possible. The point is that i am still his slave, very much so. It is simply that, as time has passed and we have grown, we have settled into a very happy, very fulfilling relationship that includes so many things that have nothing to do with D/s at all, and yet the D/s is one of the foundations for our successful and fulfilling relationship.

Maybe i should explain it another way.....

Even in the beginning, when our interaction was almost all D/s because that foundation could not be built without being tested and tried and formed into what works for us....we still had times when we simply talked about our lives, communicated about things that didn't have to do with me being ordered about, and him ordering me about. There has always been more to our relationship than D/s, although as i have said, that was the strongest aspect of it in the beginning.

As time has gone on, however, the D/s has become so ingrained in our relationship that we have really stopped thinking about it specifically. It is there, of course, and always will be. But it is the very fact that it IS there so strongly that means that we can take it for granted.

Yes, it is good, VERY good, to reach a point in a relationship where it is safe and healthy to take things for granted. That means that we not only respect each other, but we trust each other at a very deep level about things that are highly important to us.

i know Padrone is there for me when i need him, even if i can't physically touch him. i know that he is Master, he is in control of the relationship and of me - the parts of me he wishes to control. And i know that even those parts of me that he doesn't choose to control all the time, he can and will step in when i need him to, and exert even more control than usual. He has in the past, and i have no doubts that he would in the future if the need ever arises again.

Conversely, he knows that i will serve him as needed, when needed, if at all possible. He knows that pleasing him is very deeply important to me and i strive to do so always. He also knows that i am surrendered to his will - not because of any dramatic gesture or extreme show of surrender, but rather because of the small things that he controls, the large things that he takes control of when he wishes to, and my entire attitude of submission that is so prevalent.

So respect, and trust, are two pillars of our relationship. Neither happened overnight. Neither happened strictly through expressing D/s. Neither will ever stop growing.

But that isn't all. Communication, not simply talking but listening, understanding, enjoying, learning from each other....all of those things are vital to our relationship's growth and stability. He and i have said it repeatedly - we know each other very, very well. It didn't happen through talking about our lives, although that was part of it. It happened through learning about reactions, philosophies, beliefs, pet peeves, likes, dislikes, senses of humor, priorities etc, just the way one would get to know a vanilla partner.

Love is also a major part of how we feel about each other, but i would venture to say that "like" is probably equally important, if not more so, than love. i truly like Padrone. He is a wonderful man, and i absolutely enjoy spending time with him, even if all we're discussing is what is going on in our lives that day. And you know, he feels the same way about me. He said recently that one thing he loves about owning me as his slave is that he has a built-in friend too! So sweet!

But i think that, probably, the most important pillar upon which our relationship is built, is that we have given each other space to be ourselves as individuals. i am, as Padrone's slave, a reflection of his ownership and that's cool. But i am me, and being his slave is only part of who i am. He loves that about me, the multi-faceted aspect of my personality and my life as a whole. But i have had to grow up quite a bit as life has hit hard the past few years, and as i have chosen to fight demons within my own mind and become mentally and emotionally healthy and become the best woman i can be. He has given me the freedom to do this, watching the entire time, supporting as best he could (sometimes there is nothing anyone can *do* except listen and believe that it really is worth the hell it takes to move beyond). He has also encouraged me to work on my certification and change careers. He wants me to grow and expand myself in all areas of my life, not simply deepen my submission to him.

And it is the other way as well. i love that Padrone has a life outside of me. i love hearing about his website, his reading and editing, his family, his risotto, his life. i have loved watching HIM grow as a man and as a Master throughout our relationship as well. And i give him the adoration he deserves, and that he loves and needs, the security that i admire him and respect him deeply. That has given him the ability to reveal more of himself to me than he ever has to anyone, to grow by becoming a bit more vulnerable, which has led him to think about things he never has before. All a good thing, as it is growth.

We began this relationship with certain expectations regarding what we wanted and needed in a partner. Those have grown, expanded, and even changed to a degree as we have learned more about life with each other. Knowing ones self is always a good thing, but thinking that what we believe about ourselves and our needs will never change in any way, is not!

All in all, the recipe for success for US and our relationship, and i would venture to say all successful D/s relationships i have ever known, is flexibility.

Change happens. M/s becomes habitual, automatic, not something to be thought of or dwelt upon constantly. It becomes something to be taken for granted, it diminishes in a way, reverts to the background much like the foundation of a building does. You know the building is built upon a foundation, but you don't think about it every time you walk across a floor. It does the job it was put into place to do and allows the building to be used for practical and/or decorative purposes. That is very much what happens with the successful, long term, M/s relationships i have ever known.

It really does have to move beyond simply being a D/s thing, to become a successful, long term relationship. i don't care if you live with your Master or if, like us, you've never met. There has to be more, or the thing is doomed to fail.

Padrone, thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for staying committed to us through all we have been through the past years. Thank you for being able to settle into the relationship enough to....simply be who you are, no matter what that is, or what label you carry within our relationship. You will always be Padrone to me, but you are so much beyond that simple word. You are my love, and i am yours. Thank you for wanting, longing for, waiting for, what we have.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Just a few "follow up" thoughts

Just a couple of quick thoughts here.

Padrone and i were discussing my posts of yesterday, and He said something that made me think. He often does, actually - lol.

He said that topping from the bottom is not the issue of a submissive or slave at all. It's a Dominant's issue. She can't do what he doesn't allow, and, especially in the beginning of a relationship, it is natural to push, to test and see just what the Dom is "made of" assured, He will be pushing as well.

But if he allows her to dictate things in the relationship that he wants to control, that's his own fault. She is finding limits, just as he does when he tests her stated physical/emotional limits, or has her do things to test her level of submission.

And also, what one Dom considers topping from the bottom may be laughed off by another. That's a very subjective concept, contrary to what some folks would try to have us believe.

The other thing i wanted to say was i mentioned in a comment to spirited's comment on my post regarding the "gift of submission"....(say that 3 times really fast!) the Dominants who would try to convince their sub/slaves that their only worth comes from they LOOK for worthless women in the first place?

i really don't get it. That's a totally illogical leap for me. The only thing i can even remotely come up with to explain that twisted mentality is that maybe they look for those who exhibit the least "slave like" behaviors, and then tell them they're worthless and must change their personalities to become a slave, and that the only reason they have any worth as a slave is because of them.

That's really twisted, in my opinion, and absolutely demeaning to women in general, and to their slaves in particular.

If she was attractive enough to catch your eye, why do you want to change her so dramatically?

If she didn't have a pleasing personality, why did you look twice at her?

i don't get it. Women are far more than slaves, we have lives outside being slave, although we will have our Masters in our minds and hearts constantly, we do have lives outside the confines of the M/s part of our relationship. That's a fact of life, and one that obviously some people choose not to acknowledge.

That's alright, but i find it extremely immature, irresponsible, and a sign of severe inexperience for one to act that way. It is as if someone can't differentiate between fantasy and reality, or chooses not to accept that he can't live out his fantasies - "it just takes the right girl". Yeah. Um. Sure.

i think i'm done with that thought. i hope i am at least!

Padrone, thank You for always cutting right to the core of the issue, and helping me to clarify my thoughts. i always appreciate Your insights and opinions, even if i don't always express them. i love You, Padrone. i am Yours.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Topping from the Bottom, or "who's life is it anyway?"

***two posts in one day! i hope doesn't shut down now!!!***

i guess this is one of those "hot" topics, and one of those which can't ever be defined to everyone's satisfaction. i'm just gonna throw my two cents' worth in here now, simply because it's my blog and i can!

i used to question myself often, wondering if what i did or said could somehow be seen as "topping from the bottom". Every time i offered a thought without being asked, every time i did something even out of habit, every time i made a suggestion.... and of *course* i never EVER criticized....every time one of those kinds of thoughts or actions happened, i would wonder "is this topping from the bottom?"

Well, i was fortunate enough to be friends with many people who live this lifestyle real life, and from whom i learned tremendous amounts of valuable lessons before i ever ventured out into experiencing things myself. i learned, i talked, i asked questions....not of some web site, or of some self-proclaimed "expert" blogger... but of folks who lived in a D/s lifestyle 24/7. One of those couples lived, at the time, in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and while i didn't speak with either of them often, when i did i almost always gained insight that led me to observe and ask more and learn more until i realized just what i was intended to learn!

One thing we discussed was the practice of topping from the bottom. What i discovered is that those who would claim that a submissive/slave should have no independent thought whatsoever, and would use the dreaded "topping from the bottom" to manipulate her into silence, are those who have no clue what it is to live with a submissive in a D/s relationship.

There is a time for silence. (Padrone, You can close Your jaw now, no matter how shocked You are!) There is a time for a slave to not speak, to keep her opinions to herself, to not ask questions. But the best Dominants i have ever known, those with the longest and most stable relationships, value their slaves. They value their opinions, their thoughts, their circumstances, their difficulties, their needs, their desires, their pasts, their futures, their hopes, their dreams, their person. They want to know what their slaves think and feel, even if it disagrees with what they themselves think and feel. They accept that no woman will ever be a silent testament to a man's perfection, and they would never expect their slave to attempt to become that.

They respect that a slave has limits, whether emotional or physical, and that some things will always be "deal breakers" if they forced their slaves to do them. They recognize their slave's ability and need to convey such limits, and usually ask about them up front.

For some, a slave who even considers a limit, much less declares one, is topping from the bottom and is no slave at all.

For me, a slave who doesn't state her limits is a foolish woman who lives on the romantic notion that her Master is perfect and infallible and will never make her (insert limit here). It happens. This type of slave never believes it, but it happens.

Consider the woman i knew who, after stating her emotional limit of monogamy, was not only forced into bisexuality, but also shared with other men and even gang banged. She "had no choice" because she was "owned" and her "Master" didn't think a slave should have limits - a TRUE slave wants her Master's pleasure and nothing more, right? He thought she was topping from the bottom, and chose to punish her by "showing who the Master is around here".

Tell that to her after she spent 3 months insitutionalized and suicidal because she truly could not handle being in a non-monogamous relationship.

Another example is of another woman who was hospitalized from dehydration after being given too many enemas in too short a period of time, after NOT telling her Master that she had a limit of enemas. She didn't want to "top from the bottom" and state a limit, so she endured and allowed even what she knew would make her ill.

Are those women truly topping from the bottom? Or would it have been to prevent illness in the second example if she had told her Master of her enema limit?

Not in my book. Some call it self-preservation, and it is. Some call it simply being human, and it is that as well. But what it is NOT, is topping from the bottom.

Topping from the bottom involves lack of trust, as has been mentioned in another blog. If a slave wishes to take *control* of her life back from someone, then there are issues way beyond "topping from the bottom" involved. But if she does, then one of those issues is almost always a lack of trust in her Master's ability or intent to keep her from harm. Keeping her from harm includes not putting her into situations where she *may* be harmed, either emotionally or physically as happened in these two examples. And one of the best ways to prevent a slave from losing her faith in her Master is for him to show her the respect of valuing her intelligence, her creativity, her limits, her abilities, and her inabilities.

Respectfully stating an opinion is not topping from the bottom. Being sarcastic and disrespectful while stating the same opinion may be seen as topping from the bottom. It's about trust. It's about respect. It's about being respected. It's about being valued. It's not about actions as much as it is about attitudes.

That's a pretty astute statement about everything in our lifestyle, in one little nutshell, if i do say so myself.

When a slave surrenders control of her life, she is not surrendering her life itself to her Master. She's really not even surrendering control of her life, she is surrendering authority - and the Master chooses that which he wishes to control or not. The control gradually deepens, the authority extends, as the Master gets to know his slave, AND VICE VERSA. The vice versa bit is what folks in this lifestyle don't wish to acknowledge, so often.

It takes time for the power exchange to deepen. It takes time for trust to build. It takes time for a Master to understand just what makes his slave tick. It takes time to learn about trigger points and tempers and struggles and fears and all of the "mines" in a person's emotions. It takes time for the slave to understand that, even when told to do things she doesn't want to do, her Master will do only what builds her up and makes her a better person. Notice what i didn't say. i didn't say "what makes her a better slave". For the power exchange to deepen and grow, the Master first has to understand that his slave is woman first, slave second. Or even third if she has kids. (not all the time, but more often that most Masters wish - lol)

What a rambling post, and i am not sure what i really wanted to say here, except that "topping from the bottom" happens FAR less often than Masters would have slaves believe, and that most slaves are so fearful of being labeled with that terrible label, that they will go to the opposite extreme in order to avoid it.

And so, while i have my moments of ... well, not really assertiveness, although maybe even that, respectful assertiveness....that Padrone allows me to have....i don't fear being told i am "topping from the bottom" any longer. i know that my attitude is respectful even when i disagree with him, and i know that if it isn't, he will shut me down - not because i disagree, but because i am disrespectful while doing so.

Padrone, i have been thinking. No matter how we label what we have, our relationship, it is still very much a relationship between two people who have found a way to express their personalities in an open and free way. We would "be" D/s even if we didn't call our relationship D/s, and all the labels and terminology in the world won't change that. It's a wonderful thing to not get caught up in "trappings" or "expectations" or have to go by The Book on anything, to simply live as we love to live and as we were meant to live!

i am so grateful that You found something valuable enough in me to spark Your interest so long ago, and the one pinch i am grateful for in our lives is the one that drew me to You. i'm Yours. Wonderfully and irrevocably Yours.

Something new and different, yet the same old thing

Well, i have been trying to give Padrone "boring" for a couple of weeks, i promise! Life has been so stressful for the past few weeks here that it's something i am trying to do - for Him, but for me as well actually. i worry too much even when things "aren't" so stressful, but i can be a real basket case when they are!

And so i have tried to spend more time perusing blogs of folks who have a sense of what D/s is all about, rather than those who make a choice to try to shove a square peg into a round hole, and call the mess that happens D/s - etc. A harsh assessment, maybe, but for those of us with real experience....a realistic assessment.

And so i have found a few blogs of those who seem to understand a few basic things about D/s that i believe can only be learned through experience, or through actually *listening* to those who have experience.

i'm going to try to explain some things i have learned along the way, and try to do so in a clear fashion. It will probably take multiple posts, which won't be a problem for me as much as i love to type!

Padrone and i were talking recently about what i should type here, and kind of what has made our relationship so strong. There were a lot of thoughts expressed, some that it seemed were kind of i'll discuss some of those thoughts eventually

But right now i think i am going to go directely to what so many consider the "heart" of D/s - the so called "gift of submission".

There are many people who honestly believe that when a submissive woman submits to a Master, then she is giving such a gift - that submission is given. But frankly, "submit" or "to submit" describe actions, therefore are verbs, and submission is the act itself, or a state of being submitted.

Frankly, if all i give my Master is an act, or a state of mind, then i haven't given him much.

The problem with this whole "gift of submission" ideology is that the gift that is valued *is* the submission - that act of submitting, or the state of being submitted. It's more prevalent and more insidious than most imagine, frankly, especially with those among us with little or no real life experience.

It can be so easy to buy into the philosophies preached on websites, picking and choosing what we want to believe is real and true, and defying anyone who dares to disagree with us. But when one *lives* what one believes, especially something like D/s, then one's philosophies usually change unless a person is simply too arrogant to accept when one is wrong.

It is this way with the entire "gift of submission" idea. When a Dominant places more value on the act of submitting to him, than he does on what is actually submitted, then there's a huge problem. Folks, just as one doesn't say about a Dominant that he gives the "gift of Dominance" to a submissive, one also should not misidentify the gift given by the submissive woman.

The gift given by her, the one that should be more highly valued than any other gift she could ever give, is herself. The gift, if one chooses to call it a gift, is the control, the authority, and the trust that is inherent when one says "Master, i am Yours".

The act of submission merely conveys the gift to the Dominant. The real gift, the one that should be valued more highly than angels, is the woman herself.

Now, i ask she, who would give such a gift, a worthless human being until a Dominant "gives her a value"? No. Any woman who could, and would choose to give herself in such a way is one who is inherently valuable - whether or not a Dominant EVER says she is.

Padrone, i am grateful that You took this whore with a low self-image, and showed her and taught her that the real way to affirm my worth is through believing in myself, in seeing the good things in me, and in understanding that i am a strong woman, a good woman, and a worthwhile woman with lots of accomplishments and even more potential.

Thank You, my Owner, for teaching me how to feel good about myself because of who i am....who i have given to You....and not because of Your opinion of me. Thank You for basing Your opinion not on my behaviors, but rather on my attitude. Thank You for punishing me when necessary, but for teaching me the difference between punishment and consequences, and also that even when i am punished, i am a valued and treasured woman.

Padrone, but most of all, thank You for showing me that i am not valuable because i am Your slave....but rather that Your slave is more valuable because of who i am. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. Grazie.