Mirror, Mirror

i've been thinking lately about the distorted way we see ourselves. We each have a "mirror" which reflects our vision of who we think we are, and it is shaped by images, ideas, thoughts, circumstances, situations from our pasts.

i think that is pretty much universally accepted. What i think so many have problems understanding is that this mirror does indeed provide a distorted reflection of who we are, and by our acceptance of such distortion, we limit ourselves in so many ways!

But i guess it doesn't matter *which* perception we have of ourselves, we would limit ourselves, and never reach our full potential. Actually none of us could ever reach our full potential, because that would mean there would never be room for improvement, and there is always room for that.

i just think of how my own mirror's reflection has changed in the past 7 or 8 years. It all began when i admitted, without a qualification, that i have good insights into relationships. And for a long time i simply dwelt on that statement that i didn't, refused to, say "yes but" to, and watched the mirror's reflection change slowly, and learned to recognize the "new" person whose reflection i saw.

After becoming Padrone's slave, and seeing the dangers to our relationship of staying just the way i was, i began to peek into the mirror again, slowly and with great fear. Change is always stressful, most especially when it is ourselves, or our perception of ourselves, that is what is changing. The reflection isn't as static as some would have us believe. But our fears can cause us to see the ever-changing mirror as more of a photograph.

That's a real problem for most of us at one point in time or another, as we learn about ourselves and grow as humans. And frankly, i think it *can* be as much a problem for Dominants as for submissives, for those with healthy childhoods and for those who have distortions from "healthy" in their backgrounds. i honestly think that we, as humans, can and often do become complacent in who we think we are, accepting the familiar image in the mirror and not seeing the distortions that are there, nor allowing changes to happen to help clarify the reflection.

For me, it has been Padrone's view of myself (in itself a bit distorted simply because of distance and limited contact, although he knows me better than anyone else ever has), that has almost forced me to peek into the mirror to see what he sees that is so impressive to him. And you know what? As that image is becoming more clear to me, more familiar, i am accepting it more and more. i kind of like it, too.

There are times when i struggle, of course. When i make the same mistakes i always have, for instance, all the old emotions tend to bring back into clear focus the "old" image of myself, and that's the reflection i accept for a while. i guess we all do that to an extent.

And i guess i said all that to simply say that i know beyond a doubt that change is possible, but it is one of the most difficult things i have ever experienced in my life. But the drive to be the best possible person i can be, to make Padrone proud of me (that was the first "reason" i began to look into the mirror again, and to open up and change and let walls fall down and reveal the "real" me)....the drive to be my best so that i can truly give my best....those things made the difficult necessary, and the reward of a more positive self-image, the clearer and more attractive reflection in the mirror, has made the difficult totally and absolutely worthwhile.

Padrone, it was the fact that what You saw in me was so totally opposite to what i saw when i looked into my "mirror" that caused me to look a little deeper. You made me question all the things i thought i "knew" about myself, and things i had accepted as inevitable, as unchangeable, i began to see weren't so. The gratitude i feel for what You have done for me is something i can never fully express, yet i know You understand just how deep it is. And i also know that my submission is worth far more now that i accept that when i give myself to You, i truly do give a gift of great value. You are worth everything i can do to make that gift even better, to improve myself and my life, so that what You own is better and better and better. You are such a good man, and i am so glad to belong to You, my Padrone.