Wednesday, February 28, 2007


It dawned on me today that there are so many folks "out there" that are waiting for someone to ..... be the one they're waiting for. In other words, they want someone, but they're waiting for them to change into their perfect, ideal, partner.

And the funny thing is that i would, at some point in time, have said "ain't gonna happen", until i realized...that's exactly what happened with Padrone and me.

As i have often commented here, but which i am not sure how much i have expounded upon, our relationship is D/s first and foremost. All of the other emotions have grown from that basis. i know it's different, and strange, for it to have happened that way, but that is just the way things grew for us.

The funny thing is, He met the need i had to be controlled, deeply and gradually, even when i would not admit to having that need. And my submission helped to meet the need He had to control deeply. Of course all that changed after He released His other slave, and that is really when what we knew about each other came to the forefront of our relationship, and we were able to truly express things that we had, of necessity, held back from before then.

But the freedom that His control gave me to express my submission is something that only those who understand the D/s dynamic can really understand.

It is hard, now, for me to put words to the feelings i have for my Master. The interesting thing is that the submission is still the very basis, the foundation for all the other emotions. The submission to this Man is my breath, my heartbeat. It is something that i don't think about all the time, it simply exists. It hasn't always been that way, i resisted a lot of things for a long time, even while wanting what we have now. i didn't want to "get" here, i simply wanted to be here. It wasn't really that clear cut, and it wasn't that i was impatient.....i just didn't know how to get here from there.

What is my point? i'm not sure there is one to this post, to be honest. All i know is that i have been looking for ways to express my submission. In doing so i've been thinking of how i feel, and the reality of my submission. What i discovered is that i HAVE grown into the one He was waiting for me to grow into.

And He has as well, something i'm not sure He expected to do....but i won't talk about that here...

Another thing i discovered is that my love is inseparable from my submission. The love comes because of the submission being valued, appreciated, welcomed, needed, cherished. This submission flows through my veins, my life-blood, the reason i exist. How can i put that into words?

i have found no way to do so yet, and so..... i simply live it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Some reality amongst the romance

Well, i've been thinking about the direction this blog is taking, thanks to some comments by Padrone (very insightful ones, even if i didn't want to hear them at the time). And it's just.....way too mushy.

Well, maybe it's not really that it's too mushy, it's just that lately everything i have typed here has been feelings-based. The reason this blog began was to give an idea of the reality of a long distance relationship, and all i do is talk about how i feel. Ugh.

So maybe i will give a glimpse into my "average" day as a slave to a man who lives an ocean away. i won't give a total glimpse, because there are things about my life i won't reveal, and that will, of necessity, ensure that this glimpse is incomplete. But it's not mush anyway. *wry smile*

First, i guess i should say that i have started working nights in the past few months, so i sleep during the daytime, and am awake overnight, most nights at least. That has been a huge change, and one that i still have trouble adjusting to, to be honest. Padrone has trouble too, mainly because He knows i need sleep and i sometimes have major problems sleeping in the daytime, and He worries about me a lot.

So when i get home, i usually hop online for a few minutes, sometimes longer depending on how tired, and how "wired" i am after work. i've already sent a text saying i'm leaving work, then one saying i'm home, but after i get offline, i perform the first non-texting task of my day: i have had a rule in place for a long time that before i go to sleep, i am to go to slave position for 5 minutes. Slave position is me on my knees, my face on the floor, arms stretched out before me, ass low...i am as low to the ground as i can be while still on my knees. Yes, there have been times when my kids have seen me doing this, and my explanation is that i am Oh well, it works.

Padrone has asked me a time or two what i think of when i am in slave position, and it isn't easy to categorize, actually. i usually take the time to focus on who i am, allowing the thoughts and stress of work to just flow from my mind and body. But sometimes, darnit, i am simply thinking of the pile of laundry to do, how much i wish i didn't have to sleep during such a beautiful day, worrying about my kids for various reasons, wishing i didn't have to limit my availability to Padrone by sleeping...things like that. i mean, i would dearly love if my entire focus for every time in slave position was on Him, on our relationship, on my submission.... but that is so totally unrealistic to expect it, that even "i" with my usually-too-high expectations of myself can't expect that!

*whispering*...there have been a couple of times....well...a few times....that i have actually fallen asleep while in slave position. Ssssshhhhhhh.....

After slave position, i go to sleep. i send my hourly texts when i am awake, but i have to say that i miss that ritual, i love sending the texts for some reason. i can't send them while i'm at work, of course, except when on breaks and lunches.

When i wake up, i go to what we call position, or whore position, then i insert the big black cock-shaped dildo that Padrone bought me for Christmas the first year we were together. It is quite thick, and i wear it for at least 15 minutes, although i don't stay in position that long. i can wear it around the house, while drinking coffee, and a lot of times i wear it when i first get online and i'm waiting for Padrone. Sometimes that is a very erotic time, sometimes it makes me a horny bitch and i can't wait to see Him and hope He wants to use me! Sometimes it just makes me all submissive feeling because i know how much He loves for my ass to be filled. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, because of how thick it is, the time of the month for me, or even just because i don't want to wear it. Sometimes i am counting the minutes until it is over (i hate to say it, but that is because it is so thick and still quite difficult to wear for long periods of time, and sometimes 15 minutes is longer than other times). This is one of those things that i always love to do, even if only because i know my obedience is valued. That is an incredible feeling for a slave, and an amazing motivator.

Throughout the day i text every hour, letting Him know what i am doing. i once asked "what if i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by?" He said to text that i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by. i have to say that now i try hard to actually *do* something most of the time, so i guess it's a positive thing. Of course i am getting better at telling Him that i am just watching tv (something i rarely do), or relaxing or something. That has been a hard battle for me, internally, to get to the place that i can admit to my Master that i am doing....nothing productive. But the bottom line is, since i need to re-learn to take care of myself since i am working nights now, even relaxing is productive. That was a hard lesson.

This texting rule is the only one with built-in punishment. If i miss a text, even by one minute, then i am to write lines that night....50 lines for each hour i miss. Now if i fall asleep, i can't text (i used to try to wake up every hour to text, and it was causing major problems of course). But every hour i am awake, i am to text, with the knowledge that if i miss, i write lines. Last time i had to write them, He sent a text kidding me about it. Darnit. i HATE writing lines. And i really, REALLY hate when i miss only by a minute or two. That really is hard to swallow that i can't be given mercy for that short a time. But i understand why, in some ways, even if i still hate it and usually mutter to myself while i'm writing them when it is a matter of a few seconds that caused me to have to do it. And usually i am the one texting to Him that i will be writing lines that night....that one time, though, i thought i had texted a couple of minutes past the hour, and it was a couple of minutes before it. Dad-gummit.

i love to text, and i feel like a failure when i miss one, and it's usually by only a minute or two that i do. Yes, i know, my expectations are way too high. But i also think to myself, sometimes, why am i punished for failure, if i am expected to fail at times? Isn't perfection something that He expects of me as well, if there is punishment for failing to perform perfectly? But those are thoughts for another post.

Anyway, probably the most difficult thing for me, now, of any of the rules is to continue to put clothespins on my nipples when i use the bathroom. It is really quite painful at times, especially during certain times of the month. It keeps my nipples sensitive even when i wear a bra - if i brush my tits against something, it just.....hurts. But the way they are soooooooooo sensitive when we play.......oh god it is wonderful! And when i think about how He loves for them to be so sensitive, He loves my reactions when on the phone with Him....when i hear Him talk about how much He enjoys is all worth it.

And that, my friends, is the bottom line for me.

Even when i don't feel submissive, my obedience makes me submissive. As Padrone said the other night, it isn't that He expects me to feel all the things i type about in my blog all the time, that is unrealistic. But He said that He provides the *chance* for me to feel that way so many times during my day. And you know what? i never know when that text will bring the submission to the forefront. i never know when slave position will bring tears to my eyes when i think of who and what i am. i never know when the jewel in my ass while i'm running errands will bring to mind His use and His control. So i am grateful for what He has provided for me, the framework that He has in place in my life to keep me obedient, and to allow my focus to turn to Him many times during my day.

i guess what i am trying to say with all these words is simple. We are both human, period, and it is because we accept that about each other that really makes it work. i have gotten so upset with Him at times, because it seemed that His expectations were not realistic within my life here. There have been times when He has questioned me because i didn't obey something that He didn't think was that difficult for me to do. But we have learned and grown from every trauma, every drama, until now there are few and it is a (mushy alert) wonderful, beautiful D/s relationship.

It has taken dedication. It has taken work, mental and emotional work, to try to understand and to mold ourselves and our expression of ourselves into the best we can be for each other. It has taken thought and incredible creativity to make things work as life changes happen. And mostly it has taken obedience, and strong, consistent control, to keep us together for this long, and to allow us to grow stronger in our relationship.

i never would have imagined it could be like this. (that's as mushy as i'm getting today, promise!)

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Today, while i was in that state between sleep and wakefulness, a thought struck me, and i am not sure why.

It dawned on me that i don't need the reassurance of Padrone's commitment to me, and only to me, as much as i used to.

Now, don't get me wrong. i don't take that lightly in the least. It has just reached the point that there is confidence now, and i can concentrate more on making Him happy, trusting Him for my own happiness, something i now know it is safe to do. Yes, i know it seems to have taken quite a while for me to have reached this point, but to be honest, i've been here for a while now. The change has been so gradual, however, that i didn't even notice it until this morning.

So what was so different about this morning? Not much, except i was thinking about how much Padrone cares for me, and cares about me, and how He shows it. Sometimes i still have to wrap my mind around that......that He makes the best choices for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time...but that's a story for another post, maybe.

Last night, He showed His care for me in a couple of ways, and i woke up so grateful to Him for it. Gratitude is a very motivating thing, in so many ways, although my love for Him is not completely based on gratitude. But it does make me remember where i've come from, and how far i have come with Him as my Master. THAT is what i want to talk about....

When we met, i had walls around me that i thought were impenetrable, because i wouldn't allow them to be penetrated. i had the attitude that i was for physical pleasure and nothing more, and nobody could MAKE me be about more than that, because i didn't WANT to be more. When i think of that, of who i was then, and i see now....

Not only is there far more than physical pleasure between the two of us....but there is also the knowledge that it really is a lasting, deeply commited relationship. That is amazing to me, how far we have come, how sincere the knowledge, how commited we are. And all the things i used to ask for reassurance about, or feel the need for reassurance even if i didn't ask....suddenly aren't important, and i can't see why they ever were. Well, i can see why, then, but now....

Now, the simple truth is that i know things that He would never tell me, simply by His actions. Now i know why He wouldn't tell me, why He wouldn't get on that merry-go-round of emotions. Words are sometimes a trap, sometimes a cover, sometimes the focus of things when actions really *do* speak more loudly. i am so grateful that Padrone taught me that, no matter how frustrating it had to have been for Him.

i am the luckiest slave i know. Thank You, my Owner.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Prone at Your side, deep in submission, my very posture reflecting the depths of my emotions...

my bruised and marked body aching, throbbing with heat from Your belt and Your flogger...gagged, the hated drool flowing, unable to prevent it....tears spill onto the floor....

my ass, filled and yet still so exposed, the openness of my hole for You so obvious, the tautness of my stretched rim around the transparent, glass plug that fills me so very full...

my cunt, leaking our combined cum....juices covering my thighs from the torment, from Your pleasure, from my own release...

Prone, in slave position, low, mere hole for Your pleasure, not even begging, merely Your flesh to control, to possess, to consume entirely into Your will.

Trembling and still, serving with silence, with tears and with heart soaring as i am made complete, proudly Your object for pleasure...allowed to please, allowed to serve....Your schiava, Your woman, Your love.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine's Day

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The first 3 verses in that chapter are as follows:

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is one of the most powerful, life-changing forces, emotions, actions....... choices... we can experience. Not the kind of mushy, "hearts and flowers" kind of love that is so well-promoted at Valentine's Day.

The kind of love that can literally change lives is the kind of love that has changed my life. The love i talk about never fails. The love i talk about truly honors, cherishes, respects, trusts, accepts, waits. The love i talk about proves that i am worthy of it, even when i fight that belief with all that i am.

The kind of love i talk about is the love i have every day with my Master.

It is the kind of love that i strive to have for Him as well.

It is the kind of love that i am learning to show to others in my life, giving examples to my kids and my friends and family.

It is the kind of love that sends special Valentine's gifts, even with all the work it took to create it, then shrink it, then send it to me.

Padrone, i have no words, literally, other than the typical "i love You" and thank You. i pledge to strive every day to show You the kind of love You deserve.

Happy Valentine's Day, my Love....from Your funny

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Love never fails.

Love never fails.

Think about that.

REALLY think about it.

The Bible continues after saying that to list some things that do fail, things that we know will happen. Prophecies (predictions.....and those we know will happen, usually of bad things.), tongues (words...even *i* have been rendered speechless before, usually during times of deep emotion and i am simply amazed by all that we have), even knowledge (usually fleeting, although nobody ever wants to admit it.)....these things will come to an end.

But love....the kind of love that is discussed here....never fails.

i want to tell y'all a story.

When i first came to irc, i was recovering from a heartbreaking breakup with my previous Master. i had loved him, and felt that he loved me. What we had was limited due to circumstances, yes he was married....but it was still fulfilling and intense at times and i needed a lot of what he had to offer. It seemed perfect for me....when i didn't dwell on the times when we were totally cut off because he was with his family, etc. Those times increased in frequency and duration to the point that i asked for release. i knew that he didn't need me as his submissive anymore, and i finally recognized that i needed more than what he could or would offer me.

So when i came to irc, it was strictly to play and scene. i had no intention at all of any relationship. i was vocal and adamant about not wanting a collar, and i repeatedly said that i don't believe in love anymore, that love doesn't last and it doesn't have a place in a D/s relationship. My attitude was...use me, fuck me, and move on. And it worked for a while. i kept folks at arm's length, came here, allowed myself to feel good about myself because i was a popular whore, and then was able to take my locked-away emotions easily out of IRC when i turned the computer off. It was just what i wanted.

Then, along came a man who showed me, over time and in ways far more meaningful than mere words, what love really is. And He shows me every day, over and over.

To go on with the story would be boring, and would repeat much of what is common knowledge, and which i have said in this thread already, so i won't bore y'all with it. i will just move on....

i didn't want the kind of love that Padrone and i have. i didn't think it was even possible. i didn't trust anyone......i mean, if that Master who had seen me through some really rough times with love and care could stop needing me and loving me, then why would i ever believe that someone else would even care about me at all? Love, in my opinion, was fickle and fleeting.

But .... what i felt for that man is .... i can't even remember what i thought was so strong, isn't even a shadow of what is between Padrone and me.

Padrone's kind, thoughtful control of His slave....His patience in waiting to see what kind of person i really am, letting me prove my worth or lack thereof....His consistency....His dependability.....His constant presence in my life, through various means.....His care, His concern, His determination to care for His slave the best way He can....even when it means that He sacrifices time with me or control through rules or something like that......all of those things, and so much more, show me just how wrong i was to choose not to believe in love.

What i should have believed in, and finally do, was real love.

Padrone's love has created ways for me to change that i never would have believed. It hasn't failed, even when we do fail.

Love never fails.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Today i am going to combine some thoughts regarding how love is expressed in a relationship, specifically ours. i'm doing it this way for a couple of reasons... one, i've been so busy lately that typing here, or the lack thereof, has done nothing but stress me since i feel that i reneged on a commitment i made to myself. Life has a way of interfering however, and it did this weekend. Secondly, because the thoughts, as evidenced by the common word preceding them "always", are connected, so typing about them in one post simply makes sense to me. We'll see, and here we go.

Protection, trust, hope, and perserverence. Those are things that i longed for in a relationship for so long....and i have commented in various ways how Padrone provides these things for me. But of course, me being me, i want to expound a bit during this Valentine's season. Well, that's my excuse right now

i always longed for the safety to really let myself be me in a relationship. i am not at all sure that i can convey how important this has always been, because for the longest time i couldn't define the yearning deep inside me. But to feel safe, protected, feel valuable and treasured for the person i am, and not my role in a relationship.... because my submission defines me, and yet describes only a part of me.... But i could never find it...noone could ever give, be, do enough to satisfy that deepest longing, until Padrone, and that is one of the things i treasure most about Him. Now i realize that one of the reasons why it never happened with anyone else, is because of some other aspects of real love were lacking, the most obvious of which is trust.

Love always trusts. Conversely, love never doubts. That isn't to say that relationships won't go through rocky periods, or that trust is immediate even when the words "i love you" are first uttered. Trust is built, just as real love is built and doesn't happen at the drop of a hat. i never really understood that, until i look back on my relationship with Padrone, and i realize where we have come from. And i do have to say that trust, leading to emotional security (feeling protected), took a long, long time to develop for both of us. That was not fully in our control, however, but that is a different story altogether.

And that brings me to the last two thoughts....the reason we are still together i mean. No matter what we saw, no matter what we felt, no matter how circumstances and people affected us .... deliberately or matter what, we had hope that what we had was the right thing for us, and hoped that things would ease, would smooth, and would improve. We hoped that the future would be brighter and more fulfilling than the present was, and we hoped that our relationship would deepen into what it is now. That hope is still very much alive, for a long and loving relationship in the future. If it weren't, why bother?

And all of those things, protection, trust, hope....would amount to nothing if we hadn't had perserverence. Because we persevered, because we chose to stick with one another through the hardest times, and learn and grow into who we are to each other now, we have come through some fires, refined and shining, with so many of the ghosts and demons simply burned away. Yes, it was painful at times. Yes, it required daily, sometimes even several times per day, decisions to trust, to hope, to persevere. But worth it? Oh my....oh my yes.

Padrone, i am grateful for the ways You have always shown Your feelings, Your commitment, even when i wanted You to show it "my" way. Thank You for persevering, and for protecting our relationship as tenaciously as i do, even if not quite so....vocally....

Thank You for allowing me to continue blogging in this vein. i am identifying so many things about us, about You, that i think i took for granted, or at least never took time to think about before now. My love and appreciation for You is intensifying daily. Thank You, my Master.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Again, i think this characteristic is not only self-explanatory, but it is also such an integral part of our relationship that it isn't something that i think about often. i think that is because i am basically an honest person, and so is Padrone.

But there are people who aren't, and who truly delight in evil, and in whom there is no truth. Some people would rather lie when the truth would be easier. Some people love drama and trouble and chaos so much - with them at the center of attention, even negative attention - that they will do most anything to get it. Those kinds of people delight in evil.

But Padrone and i rejoice with the truth. Truth, honesty, those are the ONLY foundations for a trusting relationship....and without trust, a relationship won't last long, or if it does it will be stagnant, it won't deepen or grow or strengthen at all. Who really wants that kind of relationship? If there is no development, then what is there?

In my opinion there is merely role playing, in that kind of relationship. If there is no honesty, no truth, no trust....then it is a game. The one who doesn't trust ends up watching, waiting for the other to do something to prove suspicions, definitely not opening up, not letting the walls down, not becoming vulnerable. That is ..... such a sad thing, to me.

But as i said, this one is something that...... well, we did have to test each other, and we did have to learn to trust, to gradually lower the walls around our hearts and minds. Did that just happen? No, that is the growth and development that i spoke of.....and it is as Padrone said yesterday to me......He has all of me... and i am finally learning to give Him as much as He wants......learning that it is safe to do so as well....

Truth.......sometimes it isn't easy......but always it is worthwhile.

Thank You, Padrone, that You rejoice with the truth. Thank You that You are honest with me, even when it is not easy. Thank You for the respect You show me with Your truth, and Your trust in my truth. Rejoice....a strong word.... for a strong law of life......truth.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

How many times have we pondered over things long past, reviewed them mentally, their hurts, their joys, the actions and emotions evoked by them?

How many times have we mentally righted wrongs done to us, and those we have done as well? How many times have we replayed and allowed our actions to be influenced by our thoughts and memories?

It's a strong stereotype that women remember every thing a man ever did or said to them, and that he will never hear the end of it. There is an element of truth in that, just as there is in the fact that many men will do the same kind of thing, only it is "hurt me and you'll pay....and pay...and pay".

According to this list of characteristics of love, that is NOT loving at all. It is so hard to not remember, to not dwell on the hurts of the past, whether caused by me or done to me. It is so hard to let go and accept that what is, just is, and that what happened in the past, while it has shaped and formed me to a huge degree, shouldn't have the control over me that it does at times. i should be able to keep no record of wrongs. And to be honest, since i have found the safety and security i craved for so long, i don't as much anymore. It is easier to let things go. It's easier to dwell on what is happening in the present rather than on past hurts and things.

And Padrone....well, i know that for so many Masters, once a punishment is given, the matter is over, and that it is far more difficult for a submissive to feel the same way about it, but i am so grateful that Padrone is consistenly that way. But with Him also, not everything i do that bothers Him is a punishable offense. He is wonderful about not bringing those things up constantly either.

It used to confuse me, His attitude about how to treat people in general, and me specifically. i never knew what to make of it, or how to take it when He wouldn't say "i love you" to me. i never really understood that what He wanted, and what i had to learn to do, was to look beyond the words into the actions, to truly see the heart.

i keep saying, over and over, how much i am learning simply through really thinking about these things i have read since i was a small child. And i don't have to look far to see how Padrone's actions line up with what i am reading. It is true that He and i can both learn more about how to show our love to each other, and to others, because neither of us is perfect by any means. But i honestly think that, from what i have done so far, we are both on the right track, even if He is far ahead of me!

Padrone, there is little i can add to what i have said already. You are an inspiration to me to love better, to show my devotion more deeply, and to be a better woman and slave in all ways.

i strive that my actions reflect the love that i feel for You, always.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Love is not easily angered.

i honestly have to say that i would not have worded this characteristic in this way, if i were looking at someone who i know shows true love and were to try to describe how i know it is real. However, it is actually probably the most concise way to describe it. What i would have said is "love is tolerant", or "love overlooks a lot of things", or words to that effect. But basically, what i would try to convey is that "love is not easily angered".

i can remember Padrone being angry with me only twice in our relationship. Once i'm not sure was real anger, more just upset maybe. Once i got upset about something, and this was before i learned to control my words and actions....and while i did something disturbing, and He was upset, probably angry, i now believe that He was as much upset about other circumstances as He was about my behavior. Of course, i did act inappropriately and was properly punished for doing so. But i never knew if He was truly upset with me or not, not like the other time i saw Him upset, which was only a few months ago. i typed about it in my blog. It ended up being a problem in communication caused by technology, but neither of us knew it at the time. He thought i was overreacting to ..... well, to nothing, honestly. i thought He was acting in a highly callous manner. And it was merely computer issues that created such problems. But He was so upset with me....angry at my "silliness" over nothing... when He had spent a lot of time on something special for me, something that i never got until was just a terrible time.

But in all the time we have been together, for these to have been the only times He has ever been angry with me, says all that needs to be said regarding this. i've been hurt, i've been angry, i've overreacted, but i have also learned. i call it "choosing my battles" when it comes to general people, even my kids. But with Padrone, i simply have nothing to get upset or angry about anymore. i have learned to see and accept and contentment is overflowing into every area of my life, simply because i am His.

After this morning on the phone, mere words are useless in trying to communicate.

Padrone, i am constantly amazed by You. i do belong, finally, and i am free to love and to release my heart into the safekeeping of another. i have found my place in this world. It is as Your slave.

There are no words, Padrone. i am simply Yours.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Being Yours

i've thought a lot today about what it means to be Your slave, Padrone. Is it simply a role i play, doing tasks and obeying rules, with some amazingly incredible kinky sex thrown in to boot? We both know it is more than that, but what, exactly, does it mean to me to be Yours?

i mean, i say it all the time...i'm Yours. i'm proud to be Yours. i'm blessed to be Yours. i'm so lucky to be Yours.

What it means is nowhere near simple. But yet it is. i belong to You, as truly as if You had paid for me, only this is probably a lot more meaningful because i belong to You, every day, by my own choice.

i know that being Your slave is more than a few keystrokes on a keyboard. i know that being Your slave means far more than obeying rules, or being punished for disobeying. i know that being Your slave is safe, secure, even if the future is never predictable. i know that being Your slave is ... indescribable, but i will try ... here are some things that being Yours means to me:

i serve You, Padrone. i would do more if it were possible, and i always look for ways to serve You better and more deeply. i love to serve the Master who loves my service, who appreciates it and values it, therefore valuing me as His slave. i serve You in so many more ways than can be conveyed in this medium, and i serve You with many things here where i live that You control from across the ocean. This service is real and true, and is a testament to You and the person that You are, i honestly believe.

i strive to please You in so many ways. i have learned so much about You, Your likes and dislikes, Your preferences in so many things. i want to get to know You better, in little ways and big ones, so that i may be more and more pleasing to You.

i am learning and growing as a person and as a slave. i am pleased that You are the first one who acknowledged the difference. i am honored that You think of me as woman, rather than as girl. And the fact that You enjoy watching my growth and development makes me try even harder to be a better woman, mother, slave.

i am laughing more. You are fun, Padrone. i love to laugh with You, and to laugh because of the pure contentment that being Yours brings into my life. Yes, it enables me to feel more confident, to worry less (yes, i *did* say that!), and to feel more secure. All of those things help me to be more able to see the little joys and pleasures around me, rather than focusing inside.

i am finally, finally, finally able to D/ love.

That is the biggest, most memorable, most drastic change that being Yours has had on my life. i finally believe that i deserve You.

And yes, i do still consider myself the luckiest slave on earth. i'm Yours.

Love is not self-seeking.

You know, i honestly have to say that this is probably the most defining difference between traditional (or what is commonly called 'vanilla') relationships, and D/s relationships. In vanilla relationships, i remember beginning that way....that i wanted my partner's pleasure first. But as time passed and my own needs weren't met in the relationship, then the balance changed. It always became about me and my needs, much as it began with my partner.

However, in every D/s relationship i have ever been in, the balance has been shifted. My efforts to please have been valued rather than disregarded as not enough, or not worthwhile, or not what he wanted. What he wants is usually, eventually, spelled out in no uncertain terms. It's easier to please and in return, being pleasing has met the deepest needs i have ever felt.

It really is difficult for me to understand the flip side, though. i mean yes...most men i know (not all i understand, that's why there are vanillas and malesubs)......but most men i know enjoy a woman serving them, pleasing them sexually and emotionally and with other physical and mental needs. Most men i know would love to sit back and relax, and command and demand obedience, with free reign to punish me as a child for disobeying. However, those men ARE self-seeking. i can't honestly say that i understand what Padrone's pleasure is, except that i understand fully that it is, somehow, the opposite of my own.

But one of Padrone's basic philosophies is.....a happy slave serves better. Now, maybe that *is* His entire motivation, to cause me to serve Him better. Maybe He is self-seeking, and the reason i don't believe it fully is because He has met needs in me that i never knew i had. Maybe it is, was, and always will be about Him and nothing more. All i know is that our relationship has changed, and i will venture to say dramatically, since the day i became His. i know He always used to say that is it all about Him. i know that His actions followed that philosophy. i know that if they do now, then His means of obtaining what He wants has changed.

Here are just a few examples of what i mean.....

Used to, Padrone would simply set things up in a way that was convenient for Him. Used to, Padrone would come online, expecting for me to be there waiting for Him (something i still love to be, and try hard to do so, but He doesn't expect it anymore, and is more than willing to let me know when He's there so i can meet Him, if i'm not there waiting). Used to, Padrone would punish first and get explanation later. Used to, many of our conversations would be about availibity for Used to, there were many things that happened that let me know (in hindsight) that He was testing me, or at the very least, didn't know and of course didn't trust, the depth and sincerity of my submission.

Now, He asks about me, my family, my life....and He really cares and is interested in this boring girl's life. Now, we work together to make our time together as good as possible. Now, we've worked our schedules out so that our meetings are convenient for both of us. Now, i typically ask for punishment and give an explanation as soon as i realize i have done something to deserve it. The good thing about that is that He doesn't punish if i do something wrong, but there is no rule regarding it (yet). Now He knows i am available whenever He wishes to use me, unless something rl (which He has the utmost respect for) prevents it. Now, He knows that i will do everything in my power to make Him happy, and i honestly believe that He feels the same about me. Sometimes we get lax, of course. We're both human and fail. But the desire is there anyway, and is ongoing even when we fail.

As our relationship has grown and deepened, we have learned to trust that each other's love is, indeed, *not* self-seeking. He wants what is best for me, for whatever reason He gives (usually it is that He is taking care of His most valuable property). i want what is best for Him, because when He is happy, i know that it is partly because of me, and also because ..... well, never mind that, just suffice it to say that a happy Padrone is a VERY pleasant person to be around.

He knows that i will even go so far as to exit His life, if that should be necessary for His happiness. And i can't type more about that. Y'all understand i'm sure.

Padrone, until i began typing all this regarding the characteristics of love, i never fully realized just how You do show Your love to me. i saw some, but not nearly all. And i know that i can't even see all now. But i thank You for the way You love me, and what i am typing now is merely confirmation of the fact that how we feel about one another is indeed, "real" love (according to the source i have chosen to use to define it anyway). i will continue to see things that i never saw, even when this is finished. i will continue to strive to love You in the same manner, to the same degree, to be even more pleasing and fulfilling to You.

i am blessed to be Yours, Padrone.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Love is not rude.

This particular trait seems obvious to me, but what is obvious is that it can't be, or it would not be listed in the 'Love Chapter' as a characteristic defining how to know what love is.

Just so anyone knows, i can't fathom Padrone being rude to anyone, much less to someone He loves. He can be forgetful at times, not about things that are important to Him, but just about every day things (who can't be, though?), but that doesn't constitute rudeness. (i wonder how i'm doing in making Him look not-so-perfect here!) As a matter of fact, His manners are FAR better than mine, and i have learned a lot about being polite just from watching Him.

That's to everyone else though. With each other....well y'all know how easy it can be to let things "slide" when in a relationship for a while. It can be easy to "forget" things, to be nice to others and take our partner for granted....since of COURSE he/she knows we don't mean to be ugly, we're just . And yet i can honestly say that, while He has taken me and my submission for granted now and then, He has never been rude to me. He is the most respectful man i have ever met, and i mean that on all levels, not just on the surface.

That is what i am trying to learn from Him. i have already learned that how i act will earn the respect He shows me, while if i act badly towards Him (even with what i would consider a good "excuse"), i will not have earned it. He still won't be rude to me though - there is no need for Him to be. But to show respect even to those who we feel don't deserve it, that is a difficult, yet so valuable, lesson to learn. Especially from someone who used to be proud of her "wit" and sarcastic tongue....called sassiness, of course, while it was truly disrespect.

The point of all this rambling is quite simple, though. Love is not rude. If it isn't rude, and if it isn't proud, and if it doesn't boast nor envy....then what is it? i would sum it up best by saying that one of the most effective ways of showing love, is by truly and deeply respecting someone. Maybe i'll talk about what respect means to me, one day.

Padrone, in this post i honestly had to search for things to type about, since i probably do take Your respectful manner towards me for granted in some ways. i want You to know, though, that the way You treat me, and have ever since we began talking so very long ago, is something i used to feel i didn't deserve, and now it is something that brings a smile to my face every time we are together.... or even when i think about it.

Thank You, Padrone. One day i will feel as if i have truly earned the deep respect You show me.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Love is not proud.

Padrone is so proud of me....and i am almost unbearably proud to wear His collar and be His. Pride has to be an integral part of any relationship. If one isn't proud to be a partner to the other, then the relationship is not strong.

So how can love not be proud? How can that be, when pride has to be in a relationship....a loving relationship?

The kind of pride i take this characteristic of love to mean, is the damaging kind of pride. This is the pride that refuses to allow someone to admit that he/she is wrong. This is the pride that doesn't allow apologies or compromises. This is the kind of pride that goes before a fall - in other words, it refuses to allow any kind of change of any sort, no matter the problems it creates.

The pride that i have in being His, and in wearing His collar, in the fact that He loves me and loves to own me.......that pride is different. That pride makes me strive to be *my* best, to increase the pride He feels in me. It makes me desire to serve better, to submit more deeply, to love more fully.

And i know that the same applies to Him. The pride that He feels in me, in who i am and in the service i provide....the fact that i love Him and i love to serve Him.......that makes Him strive to be the best Master to me that He can be.

In other words, feeling proud of each other is vastly different than being stiffnecked and arrogantly proud in ourselves. That is so lonely. What we feel is so enhances the relationship rather than damaging it.

i hope that is what comes across in my blog, you know. When i began thinking of typing on this characteristic, all i could think of is how i talk about the good parts of our relationship (not many bad parts anymore)....and how proud i am to be His, and how lucky i am, and i realize that it may come across as bragging, prideful, regarding what we have. i honestly hope i never come across that way. i am truly humbled by the way our relationship has grown and developed. i am truly humbled by the way Padrone feels about me, and i will never take what we have for granted.

Our love isn't proud, but we are proud in our love. What an incredible way to live and to love.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Love does not boast.

This particular characteristic of love kind of comes naturally to me, so it is a bit more difficult for me to discuss, even in terms of Padrone. i don't boast about myself at all, but y'all would get so tired of hearing about my kids if i typed about them here, it isn't even funny!

But i realize that some things i type here may come across as boastful, because Padrone and i just have a.....well, a very good, very strong, very loving relationship. i was thinking earlier today that our last disagreement was in September, around my birthday.

Padrone, on the other hand, simply loves to show me off, He says. He loves when i show my submission and my devotion publicly. Does that mean He is boastful in His love? No, in my opinion, being boastful is more like....wanting someone as "arm candy" or some "super submissive". Boasting is pretentious, it is setting a stage, it is creating a false impression for "public" consumption, while the relatioship itself is not as perfect as it is given the impression of being. So when Padrone "shows me off" in channel, He is actually having me do things we do privately, only letting others watch. There is no boasting of owning me, although there is an element of being proud *to* own me....there is a difference.

Do i come across as boasting about my relationship with Padrone? i sincerely hope not. i think we both realize, and i hope that others realize, that it takes hard work, even now sometimes, to keep our relationship going strong. It has reached the point of being comfortable and secure, but that doesn't mean we get complacent, or if we do, we realize it and make corrections. We both appreciate the efforts of the other one, and i think that is the key factor in keeping us ...... humble maybe? (Down to earth is probably a more accurate way to describe it, the way our relationship is, i mean, and the way we *are* in that relationship.)

And boasting about our love, our relationship, is not something that either of us does. Those things are obvious to anyone who cares to see us together, and the sincerity of the relationship seems to shine clearly, without effort on our part. Our love doesn't have to boast about itself, it simply is. And that is clearly and absolutely enough for us.

Padrone, there are times that i have wanted to shout from the rooftops who You are to me, and what we have together. But all that matters is that we know, and that our feelings are deep, sincere, and mutual. i am so incredibly glad that they are.

i love You, mio Padrone.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Love does not envy

You know, Padrone made a very valid point when we talked last night. He said that many folks who see us in channel, or who might read this blog, would probably get an impression that i have never wanted to send. We don't have a perfect relationship, by any means. He isn't a perfect man or a perfect Dom. i am nowhere near the perfect slave or woman either. We have our moments, trials, disagreements, misunderstandings....What sets us apart is something that He said last night....we have worked so hard to get through the things that have come our way so far, that we KNOW we can get through whatever's next. i honestly think that is a difference-maker. We have that confidence and trust in ourselves and in each other that shows every time we are in channel, and a deep appreciation for one another that makes us seldom take the other one for granted. That, i think, is why we seem fresh and new and "ideal" to some.

The point is, i did not mean for what i am doing now to come across as a "Padrone is the perfect man" time. What i hope to get across with these next few posts is what i have learned about loving someone, through being His, and being willing to see what He does to show His love for me, rather than simply demanding that He show it in the way *i* want Him to. When someone learns to let the other person show feelings in his or her own way, then he or she is free to accept what is offered without a catch. Padrone loves me. i have learned to look for the ways He shows it. And yes, i have learned to love better from it, myself.

Now, on to the topic of the day. Love does not envy, still from 1 Corinthians 13:4.

i envy. i freely admit it. i try hard not to, and i can go for a while sometimes without the feelings of envy brought to mind. But i do still feel those things. And Padrone says that He is jealous of what He owns, but that isn't the same as envying someone something. i've never heard Him say that He envies anyone anything, but He may have. It isn't an overriding part of His emotional makeup, though, with anyone or anything out there.

i, on the other hand, envy something as small as a fast internet connection! lol! But i am learning to accept what i have and where i am, in all things, not just certain ones. And i accept Padrone for who He is and where He is emotionally as well, and i know He does me. He isn't envious of me or of my time or my life......or even the freedom that i have simply because it isn't realistically possible for Him to control me as He would if we lived closer. i learned long ago something that i try hard to live by, but which i fail in a lot......what is, is. He seems to know that instinctively. Of Maybe i envy how often He is right,

Padrone, i love You, and i thank You for the talk last night that led to this blog post today.