Today i am going to combine some thoughts regarding how love is expressed in a relationship, specifically ours. i'm doing it this way for a couple of reasons... one, i've been so busy lately that typing here, or the lack thereof, has done nothing but stress me since i feel that i reneged on a commitment i made to myself. Life has a way of interfering however, and it did this weekend. Secondly, because the thoughts, as evidenced by the common word preceding them "always", are connected, so typing about them in one post simply makes sense to me. We'll see, and here we go.
Protection, trust, hope, and perserverence. Those are things that i longed for in a relationship for so long....and i have commented in various ways how Padrone provides these things for me. But of course, me being me, i want to expound a bit during this Valentine's season. Well, that's my excuse right now anyway..lol.
i always longed for the safety to really let myself be me in a relationship. i am not at all sure that i can convey how important this has always been, because for the longest time i couldn't define the yearning deep inside me. But to feel safe, protected, cherished.....to feel valuable and treasured for the person i am, and not my role in a relationship.... because my submission defines me, and yet describes only a part of me.... But i could never find it...noone could ever give, be, do enough to satisfy that deepest longing, until Padrone, and that is one of the things i treasure most about Him. Now i realize that one of the reasons why it never happened with anyone else, is because of some other aspects of real love were lacking, the most obvious of which is trust.
Love always trusts. Conversely, love never doubts. That isn't to say that relationships won't go through rocky periods, or that trust is immediate even when the words "i love you" are first uttered. Trust is built, just as real love is built and doesn't happen at the drop of a hat. i never really understood that, until i look back on my relationship with Padrone, and i realize where we have come from. And i do have to say that trust, leading to emotional security (feeling protected), took a long, long time to develop for both of us. That was not fully in our control, however, but that is a different story altogether.
And that brings me to the last two thoughts....the reason we are still together i mean. No matter what we saw, no matter what we felt, no matter how circumstances and people affected us .... deliberately or not....no matter what, we had hope that what we had was the right thing for us, and hoped that things would ease, would smooth, and would improve. We hoped that the future would be brighter and more fulfilling than the present was, and we hoped that our relationship would deepen into what it is now. That hope is still very much alive, for a long and loving relationship in the future. If it weren't, why bother?
And all of those things, protection, trust, hope....would amount to nothing if we hadn't had perserverence. Because we persevered, because we chose to stick with one another through the hardest times, and learn and grow into who we are to each other now, we have come through some fires, refined and shining, with so many of the ghosts and demons simply burned away. Yes, it was painful at times. Yes, it required daily, sometimes even several times per day, decisions to trust, to hope, to persevere. But worth it? Oh my....oh my yes.
Padrone, i am grateful for the ways You have always shown Your feelings, Your commitment, even when i wanted You to show it "my" way. Thank You for persevering, and for protecting our relationship as tenaciously as i do, even if not quite so....vocally....
Thank You for allowing me to continue blogging in this vein. i am identifying so many things about us, about You, that i think i took for granted, or at least never took time to think about before now. My love and appreciation for You is intensifying daily. Thank You, my Master.
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