Saturday, May 28, 2011

I Don't Write Erotica

Well, every now and then I will write something by request, or extremely rarely I will write something because I want to.

But I just don't write it.

It isn't because I don't feel it or because I don't know what to type about. I don't type about it because of the vulnerability factor, I think...not only because what I type comes from my own fantasies, or putting my "spin" on his fantasies, but also because I don't know how or if I have accomplished the goal of at least mentally arousing the person who reads it.

So I just don't often write.

I can. And I can write well, actually. I know it, but every time someone else reads my words, I feel as nervous as I was the first time it happened.

And so what do I do with all those thoughts, emotions, fantasies, experiences that were living in my mind and were clamoring for expression?

Well, let's just put it this way: I can type a very erotic, stimulating, scene with Padrone.

What we do, now and then, is that I will type a scene based on whatever Padrone wants/needs at the time. For instance, he may want my pain and then to cum in my ass after it had been beaten. He may want a simple blow job. He may want an intimate, emotional experience. Or he may want a whore with plain old sex. I will type it, oftentimes adding to it using my imagination to add the perfect mix of ingredients to entice Padrone to a forceful, satisfying orgasm. I do the typing so he *can* cum, because as we all know, a man can't cum while typing. He's busy enjoying, which is the entire purpose anyway.

I usually do a pretty darn good job, if i do say so myself. It is as if I can sense his need, and it feeds my imagination.

It's hard at times, because I have to type both sides, Dom and submissive. That can be difficult, since I honestly don't really understand the Dominant mindset. I think that, when I get into the focused intensity that I get into when typing these scenes, I merely type what *I* need as a submissive. It's good that he has commented that I capture his feelings, now and then, because that means that our needs mesh on some pretty basic levels. That's always a good thing.

And it's also hard at times because there are times when my own needs kind of feel forgotten. Not that my sexual needs are that strong lately, but the submissive needs, the needs for control and use...those can really impede my ability to take on the dual role necessary in this type of scene.

It's incredibly intense, amazingly focused, and pure, raw emotion.

It drains me.

And so, I don't write erotica. But I do write erotically, when Padrone wants and needs me to. Except tonight. But that's between the two of us, and it's alright.

Padrone, I hope I didn't type too much, too personally, in this blog post. But it hit me the other day that I type in a very sexual way, but I couldn't define it as erotica. I know it makes no difference whatsoever, so what this does is help me to get the thoughts that rattle around in my brain, out of my brain. :)

I am so glad, Padrone, that what we have is so fulfilling in every way. I love serving you, you know that. I love when we scene online. I love when you use me. I love when you make my life "interesting". I love when we talk, when we are able to experience things together and hear the pleasure. I love you, Padrone. I am so yours.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm so happy

So i've been thinking. Surprise surprise. :)

It's been a few weeks since Padrone ended the punishment aspect of our relationship (for the most part, of course if i'm deliberately disobedient or rebellious that's a different story entirely, as it should be. I have felt surprisingly little guilt, although i do get hit with it now and then, it's mostly because i wasn't sure where Padrone's thoughts were on it more than anything else. So tonight i asked him - lol. He said "i'm alright" which didn't really give me anything more than that he is alright with it, so while i do feel better that he isn't resentful of what might be seen as a sacrifice at worst, or even a compromise i guess....i think i had hoped to hear that my more relaxed state of mind (which shows, i know because i asked *that* too! :D ) made him glad and that it was worth it to have me so happy and content and at peace. But i didn't hear that, which is cool....and Padrone is alright.

And i'm sure that little niggling thought will niggle its way back into the forefront of my mind at some point in time, but for now it doesn't matter at all. Padrone is alright with it, and i am...happy.

And, an unexpected result is that i am at peace. i have found myself not worrying so much over little things. And i didn't have a clue why until just a few minutes ago.

My personality is as a giver. I offer. I'm thoughtful. I try to anticipate needs and even desires, and work to meet them as best i can. And so now there is a different mindset for me, and it is just a little bit hard to explain.

What is expected of me hasn't changed. What has changed is the shift from....obedience or "else", to a simple "here's what I want you to do". He knows, he TRUSTS, that i will do all i can in order to give him what he wants from me. He finally has come to the place where he can accept that, without having unnatural consequences attached to my mistakes. He realizes that when i don't meet expectations, it is because of a mistake or unforeseen circumstances that prevent me from doing so. He knows that i am not deliberately disobedient, and so he has come to a place of being able to express that trust in my obedience, in my very nature, by dropping the punishment (mostly).

When i can't be online, i try very hard to let him know why. If i'm late, i try to give advance warning. It isn't always possible, like when i had company that just would not leave the other evening. It's rude to text in front of company so i had to use a trip to the kitchen for iced tea as a text-stop. But it was *after* i was supposed to be there already, and i hated that was so nice to know that Padrone knew it was unavoidable.

And you is the formal expression of that trust that has freed me from the worry, i think. i don't obsess about counting minutes or panic if i am late texting because i know that Padrone understands that it will happen now and then, and that i still text as much as i am supposed to (or more sometimes) even though i don't have to write lines anymore if i miss a text. Being released from the constant pressure of "do it or else" (Padrone is NOT a big bad guy, but if i feel as if my behavior is being judged, then imperfections are unacceptable to me, so the "or else" was HUGE in my mind)....that release has released at least a part of that perfectionism, which has shocked the STEW outta me, let me tell you!

It's like....i can express myself in my natural way, by offering what is most pleasing to Padrone....the reason for giving isn't to avoid consequences, it is given because Padrone wants it, plain and simple. The consequences weren't the driving force behind my obedience before, by any means, but the threat was always there. The constancy of that didn't allow me to focus on anything other than the tasks at hand...

And to think that all of this came about because i made a B on an assignment and laughed about it, rather than obsessing over it! That is SO not like me that i had to ponder why!

Now i can focus on the emotions, the submission, the intimacy that Padrone yearns for. I don't even have to focus on them, they are just there. And it is so wonderful.

I feel free, Padrone. Free to express all that I am, and all that you love so much about my submission....I am free to love and to submit and to serve and to please you ... more free than i have ever been before. i am free from the worry over the small things, free from the guilt when i wasn't perfect, free from the guilt i felt for resenting the threat of punishment, and free from at least a bit of the burden of perfectionism that i have carried with me for years.

I am free because you expressed trust in me, Padrone. You freed me with your knowledge that i will do as i am supposed to do simply because you trust who i am.

That, my Love, is an amazing statement, and one that i hope i never give you reason to regret. i love you, Padrone. And the gratitude that i feel for you, the joy, and peace in my heart ... i can never fully express. There are no words...other than thank you. And i am yours.

Friday, May 13, 2011

A Week of Surprises

So, this week has been slam full of surprises, some good, some not so good, but it has definitely not been boring!

I will tell about my surprises in my work/school/home life, then talk about our relationship. They are often intertwined, but not always of course. But this week, the work/school/home life has interfered with our time together, and I *hate* when that happens because I value every moment with Padrone. Oh well, like he says, we have all the time in the world.

So on with the boring part of my blog, the part that many will skip over - lol. Work - I still don't have a job but there are prospects. I have an interview next Wednesday at a small junior high school 35-40 minutes away. The school district is small itself - one "lower" elementary, one "upper" elementary, one junior high school, one high school. The school is small as well, of course. It has a community feel to it, and since it is in the next town north of me, and since I don't know folks from up there, it will take them a while to try to involve me in the politics inherent in any school system. And it will take them a while longer to understand that I don't play those games. XD

But I have interviewed in my local town, and have been told that there is another position in this district as well, so who knows? And a town south of me also has the possibility of a job opening, and the principal of the high school sounded very excited to know that I am ready to be certified in Special Ed! All in all, FAR more encouraging than last year, for sure.

As far as school is concerned, I just finished another semester, and I not only made As in both of my classes, but my English professor asked if she could use one of my papers as a sample for future classes since it was exactly what she was looking for! So I am very proud of my accomplishments academically ... with good reason, as it happens...

Wednesday of this week I found out that, even though I have not yet taught for a year as is a listed requirement, since I have completed the course work for the alternate licensure program, I am eligible to apply for the Masters program in Special Education. And so I began on Wednesday evening, calling and begging folks to write letters of reference for me and submitting them as soon as possible (I hope to enroll in the summer session, so there is a *major* time crunch). All of them said they would, and indeed they did. I received a list of required information yesterday via email, and today I sent everything they needed. The graduate advisor for Special Education was amazed that I got it done so quickly, but it is as I told her - I am extremely motivated here. There is still an issue of time, so I'm praying that everything falls into place and I can be admitted and enroll in classes this summer. If so, then it is my expectation that at the end of August 2012 I will be wearing a cap and gown again, and yes, this old mama WILL walk across the stage just like the younguns do!

So, daughter's car is broken down again. After doing some checking, it seems a distinct possibility that the fuel pump that was put on it (twice) (don't ask) was not the right one. Of course, she has to have a vehicle that the parts are different depending on what month in the year it was made, sheesh! We'll see. It might be a wiring thing instead, and if it is, then I'll probably sell that booger and get her something else. But again, we'll see.

But that meant that we're down to one vehicle, since my car is STILL in the shop and has been for months now. So we're taking daughter to work and running errands and then going to pick her up in son's truck. He also started a new job tonight, so it got even *more* complicated. And of course, the wheel bearing went out in it the other day, to the tune of $300. But it was fixed and after a new radiator cap, seems to be running fine. Knock on wood.

But all of those things have simply made life crazy. Daughter getting her senior portraits taken, then driving to pick up the CD with the pics on them (absolutely gorgeous, btw, and I know you have to take my word for it, took time away from Padrone. Their grandma coming to visit took time one evening. Having to take her to work early took time away. And being busy gathering up all of my stuff, typing an essay and a letter of intent (what *is* the accepted format for a letter of intent to apply to grad school, anyway?), and having 1000 things on my mind has taken attention away from Padrone.

And so tonight....

Tonight was special, but it really was nothing special. We simply "hung out" together. We joked, teased, I flirted, he mumbled....laughing and smiling and simply enjoying each other. It was absolutely wonderful. I often imagine being in the same room with him, sighing dramatically in a teasing way when he flips on a scifi movie, grinning up at him and grabbing a book so I can ignore the movie and still enjoy being with him. Nothing special, just being together.

That is how I envision our life together, moments in time. I even picture being irritable and feeling grumpy and not wanting to do what I'm expected to do, so I am not living in a fantasy world by any means. But let's face it, if we can fuss and fight like we do at times, and we live across the ocean from one another, can *anyone* believe that we wouldn't if we lived together?

I am just so fortunate to have a Master who not only wants me to improve my education, but who wants it knowing that it will keep me busy still. He understands that life isn't always going to allow me to wait for him online as he loves, and I do not take advantage of that understanding nature - although this week it has happened fairly often, it has been through no fault of my own. But tonight I was thinking, as I was waiting for and then it makes me feel special...anticipating his entrance....the smile I would hope he would know that he was there simply for me, no matter how social we may be with others....I am the reason he is there...he comes there to spend time with me...

And I melt.

Padrone, I don't always feel that way, of course. But I treasure the knowledge of who I am in your life, and I love when I see it in new and different ways. Thank you for teaching me to look for the ways you show your love for me, and not to look for ways I would show it. I adore you, my Padrone. I am yours.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day from this American mom to any mother who happens upon this blog! I know we don't all celebrate on the same day, but that just makes it more fun when we get well wishes on several days of the year, I think - lol.

I am blessed to be the parent of two wonderful young adults (ack!). I can't imagine life without them, and seeing them grow into wonderful young man and woman has been the most beautiful and fulfilling thing I have ever experienced. I am so grateful that having these two kids allowed me to become a mother. The first thing that I ever felt self confident about was being a good mom. I am grateful for the opportunity to be mom to the two most wonderful kids in the world!

Here are a couple of songs that make me think of them. First, son. This song isn't like how he is as a person, for the most part, but every time I hear it I think of him for some reason. Maybe it is because it was his first "favorite song" several years ago, and he would grin every time we heard it. Anyway, here it is:

And the one that most makes me think of daughter, again probably because she used to sing it almost constantly (not to mention that the "bubbly" part is quite descriptive of her personality):

Padrone, thank you for allowing me to spend time with them this morning, having a nice breakfast and a nice, peaceful morning. I love how you show your love for me, Padrone. I am one lucky woman. I am yours.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Good Times

Things are good. i am learning to relax, at least a little, within the confines of our relationship. i am happy, and i think Padrone is happy about that.

i don't *think* i have relaxed in terms of doing what he expects of me, though. i honestly think that i don't obsess about it so much, but i do what i'm supposed to do anyway. It is the lack of obsessing that has created a calmness inside me that i am truly enjoying. And i am also truly, deeply, grateful for Padrone's change of our dynamic.

i knew that it would make an impact on me, and on my way of expression my submission. But i never dreamed that it would be so *positive*. i don't feel guilty, although i do have moments of wondering if Padrone really wants these changes. But i eventually figure out (repeatedly, of course, since i don't seem to ever learn things the first time!) that if he didn't want it that way he would change it once more!

And so, i have shocked myself with the lack of guilt. i think it may have surprised Padrone as well. But truly, the pressure of performing, of living, to a standard of perfection or be punished for it, was likely the most stressful thing in a life filled with stress. And i honestly never realized it until just the past few months. i began to resent, and that is when i knew something needed adjustment. Of course, i assumed it was me! :)

And so, life is good in our relationship. In other news, i have to turn in my last paper in one class today, and finish a last project in the other one by Monday, and then i am finished for a couple of weeks. i am signed up for a minisession for half days for two weeks, beginning a week from Monday, but i don't know if i will have transportation or not. We'll see. If not, i'll just add another class over the summer, so it's really not a big deal in the scope of things.

And that's what is new in the life of this schiava.

Padrone, i don't know if my actions, my attitude, has revealed all of the things i talked about here, or not. i know i have told you of my gratitude, but i don't know if you can tell in other ways. i hope so. i hope that the emotions somehow show through even if my actions remain the same. i can't ever tell you enough just how much your willingness to look at what works and what doesn't, means to me....especially when you just say "it doesn't work, let's get rid of it", and it doesn't seem like a major big deal to you. i love you, more than i can ever say, my Padrone. i am yours.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Back to our regularly scheduled relationship

There have been so many changes happening lately, in our relationship. It has been stressful, scary, but oh so good.

The focus of the relationship, while still very much D/s based, is shifting. The recent rules change reflected that, as well as discussions and er...upsets...we've had as well. So many misunderstandings, communication suddenly more difficult as stated desires, expectations, hopes, change.

Change is stressful, but we know it is all good. Some of the changes are taking us out of the realm of traditional D/s i guess, but it is right for us. We are still very much D/s, and our interactions will always be because of our personalities if nothing else. But we both want the more formalized "official" D/s, even though we will personalize it even more as we go along.

We've been together for almost 6 years now. We have grown in more ways than i could ever have imagined, for us to not have met face to face yet. We have gotten older, wiser if you will. We have each changed in terms of circumstances and personality. We have grown as individuals, and more importantly, as a couple.

All of that means that there have been lots of changes lately, and i am sure there may be more coming in the not-too-distant future as well. We have both acknowledged a need, and a desire, for more intimacy in each other's daily lives. I mentioned that in a previous post, but I'll just briefly touch on it again. He wants to know more details about my school, my interests, my passions, my mundane life. I want to know how much he needs me, misses me, thinks about me during his day. The two needs are for the same thing, merely expressed in a different way (think Mars and Venus here). His need for intimacy is in being part of my daily life. Mine is in knowing that I am in his mind even more than i recognized before.

But changes aren't easy to implement at times. It is as i said to Padrone, i have been doing the things that i have spent a long time learning pleased Padrone...well, for a long time. When he first started these changes, he simply said that he had discovered that his needs ... what he wants out of the relationship ... have changed. He simply said he wanted more intimacy. He had reviewed his needs, and my rules, my framework, and who i submission, my heart, my love for him and doing my best to please him...and decided that some of the things he used to want from me weren't what he wanted any longer. I kind of freaked out a bit, I admit, but part of that was how it was related to me, and part of it was that it signaled changes that I wasn't sure I understood. That's kind of a scary thing.

That was a few weeks ago. More recently we have had some other discussions, some rather heated, and they all seemed repetitive. He couldn't understand why I was thinking of the same things over and over again, and I had a misconception of what was important to him after all. And so I obsessed about failing and being punished for something that I would only miss if something unavoidable happened to prevent me from doing it. Even a mistake, like forgetting something that prevented me from being online at a specific moment in time, would be unavoidable. Guess what. That happened to turn into a major discussion, for some reason. But the reality is that if i am punished for making a mistake, then i am punished for being human. And sometimes negative consequences aren't negative consequences simply because they are not related to the mistake itself. In other words, if i go shopping and forget something i absolutely must have, then the negative consequence is that i go back to the store to get it. It would be inconvenient, making me a frustrated, irritated with myself, woman....but not punishment. However, if I forget something and have to go to town before the pharmacy closes and miss the specific time i'm supposed to be online with Padrone, then the natural negative consequence is decreased time spent with him. Adding lines or any other negative action would do nothing more than to make me feel worse for making a human mistake, and actually....for me....increases my drive for perfection in myself. I will do all I can to prevent punishment. When it is a true mistake, it is so difficult to accept that i deserve to be punished for it.

And so we talked about that, quite a bit. After our discussion of this morning I think that part of his ideas regarding punishment/consequences is due to his catholic upbringing. I am in NO way disparging Catholics, not by any means. But when one considers the idea of confession and atonement, and that they aren't necessarily related to the actual sins one is confessing, then it makes sense that the disconnect of relevance of consequence to mistake has a different meaning for Padrone than it does for me.

But all of the "why" doesn't really matter. Padrone has officially dropped punishment for mistakes. I am only to be punished if I willfully disobey or rebel against his authority and control.

And so, to people on the outside looking in via the snapshots of our relationship and my life that these blog posts grant, it may look as if the D/s is fading....but it is as I told Padrone when I, so gratefully, thanked him for this particular change...this will help ease so much of my internal pressure, and free me to ... relax and be myself....and not feel so pressured to be perfect or suffer consequences....

Padrone, I have no idea if any of this makes sense or not. All I know is that this change is easing my mind, so far. I ... finally feel that you fully trust that I am doing my best to do what you expect and want from me.

Wherever this leads us, it will be nothing but good. Padrone, change is always stressful, but the changes will bring us to a place that is better than we have ever been before. I love you, my Padrone. I feel more yours than ever before.