Thursday, July 31, 2008

Buon Anniversario, Padrone

Three years ago, my nick changed to reflect the ownership of the most wonderful man, and the most wonderful Master, i have ever met. Three years ago, the changed nick was merely a foreshadowing of the changes that being His slave, His woman, would bring into my life.

i am the luckiest woman alive to belong to this man. i have said it so often that it may seem mundane to some, but the truth is that my Master turned me around, and molded me, shaped me, into the slave, the woman, i am today.

In the past three years i have grown and changed, i have moved beyond the hurt, hiding girl with walls so high nobody could reach her. In these three years, i have learned more about life and living, about people and personalities, than i ever dreamed i didn't know. In these past three years, i have learned what it means to be in a commited relationship, to give and take and compromise and listen and speak and suffer and hurt and grow and love and laugh.

Padrone's ownership is unceasing, it is absolute, and it completes my life in ways i can't ever explain, but for once i will try.

At work, at home, at the grocery store, at the ball field, wherever i am, Padrone is with me as well. If i behave well, i feel His pride in me, and if i make a mistake, i sense His correction. When i text Him, i feel His response to what He reads, even if it is just satisfaction at my obedience and nothing more. When i am scared, i can feel His strength, and His confidence in my own strength, flowing through me. i have taken lessons He has taught me and incorporated them into my everyday life, in positive ways - positive for me at least. i have learned how to be strong and stand up for myself without being bitchy or pushy or ugly. i have learned to be a strong, confident woman, and that is mainly because i finally realize - that is who Padrone deserves for me to be, and it is who He believes that *i* deserve to be as well.

And that leads me to another point. Padrone believes in me. Padrone believes that i have what it takes to be successful in life, something i have never, ever felt about myself. He believes in my strength, in my abilities, in my potential, in my mind, and in my heart. He knows that i will struggle to succeed, struggle within myself for so many reasons, but He knows i can make it through. And that confidence usually sparks my own in myself, and will be what keeps me going in the next few months as more major changes happen in my life.

Padrone not only accepts the differences between men and women, but He understands most of them - at least that they do indeed exist - and our relationship has become more and greater and better because of that acceptance and understanding. He allows me to be myself, even when He doesn't understand my reaction or thoughts. He gives me the freedom to be myself, to express myself respectfully. He doesn't want to change me, although if there is something He would like to see me to differently, He generally has ways to let me know without turning it into an issue.

Padrone hates to punish me, although He will without hesitation if i need it. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He has taught me that, even as slave, it is normal for me to make human mistakes and not strive to be perfect slave. He allows me to make mistakes, do the punishment, then move on.

Padrone punishes me in appropriate ways. i would not be given 60 lashes with a belt for speaking to Him in a tone He didn't like. i would not be forced to sleep on the floor for a week because i didn't ask Him about something He has been mentioning Himself for several weeks. He wouldn't use me and not allow me to cum for simply not going into a position He requires of me nightly. i am sure there would be punishment for those things, (maybe not for not asking for what He had always given Himself, but if so He would talk with me about it when the punishment was given). If i disagreed with the punishment, He would talk with me about it, and make His choice accordingly.

Padrone has said repeatedly that He cannot control my feelings. Those are my own, and always will be. He *can* and *does* control my actions, but i will think and feel what i will, and there is nothing He can (or would) do about it. i would never be punished for feeling a certain way about something, or not being in the right mood or mindset. i would be punished, however, if i allowed my feelings to cause me to act badly.

Padrone respects my family life, and enjoys being as much a part of it as He can. After much deliberation, i told one of my kids about Him, although not the nature of the relationship. It has been so nice to have someone to talk with, who understands and is excited for me and for us. She is also slowly getting to know Padrone, who she calls the "Big E" sometimes - E is His initial.

Padrone has been through hell owning me, yet has stayed so commited to our relationship, has never given up on me, nor did He allow me to push Him away as i, as is usual with submissives in a new relationship, tried to do long ago. There have been times when it seemed that every conversation had new problems, new obstacles, new circumstances to overcome, and yet He never complained about it. Sometimes He doesn't like when i don't have time to devote to His pleasure, yet rarely has He ever even voiced any impatience, and never a complaint.

Padrone is amazingly patient. He is teaching me that patience is hard won sometimes, and yet it is worth everything one goes through to learn it. He is teaching me that spontaniety has its rewards, yet thinking things through, even if it takes weeks or even months, can bring even sweeter ones.

Padrone has shown me that loving someone isn't about three little words, nor is it about romance or the feelings that come when someone else does something to make me happy. Love begins when one's needs are met, and continues to grow only as sharing needs means that there are more needs met, rather than unmet. Our love began with D/s needs, and has grown to fill our lives beyond the formal Master/slave dynamic.

Padrone has taught me what it truly means to be a slave in general, and just what being His slave means.

Slavery isn't merely being owned, it is being treasured.

Slavery isn't merely being collared, it is being loved.

Slavery isn't merely being controlled, it is being surrendered.

Slavery isn't merely being used, it is being given freely in use.

Slavery isn't merely being in a role, it is being me.

i am His slave, He is my Master, it is who we are, how we live, and not what we do.

As His slave, i have blossomed as the fiore He calls me. His flower, opening to Him alone, revealing all that is inside me, the good things that i can't always see... the bad things that i magnify....the ugly self that i try hard to keep hidden ... the beautiful brokenness that has come through total surrender... the trust in the safety of His control ... the heart that beats for Him...the mind that surrenders to Him ... the soul that lives for Him.

This is something i found in the post i typed last year in my blog, but it stands true now, and always will:

Thank You for the love that i had to learn to see.
Thank You for the patience that lets me grow.
Thank You for the focus on Your slave that frees me to focus on You so totally.
Thank You for the acceptance that creates safety.
Thank You for using my body, my mind, my emotions, for Your pleasure.
Thank You for needing the depths of submission that i could never before express.
Thank You for believing in me.
Thank You for being someone i can also believe in.
Thank You, Padrone, for owning me so beautifully.

Happy Anniversary, my Owner, my Love....i am grateful that our future will be as wonderful as these past three years.

Monday, July 21, 2008

my unique Padrone

You know, i have often said to Padrone how different He is from many Dominants that i have had the pleasure of communicating with. And sometimes i can actually express those differences in ways that make sense to Him, but usually He doesn't appreciate the differences, mainly because they are so far outside His thought processes, that they make no sense to Him.

But i am going to try to explain some of Padrone's views on D/s, in hopes that the differences will be obvious to others as well. Btw, i'm not saying others don't have the same or similar philosophies, rather that His are unusual and different in my experience.

Padrone takes things slowly. i know this has become a 'catch phrase', and that slowly in a long distance relationship tends to mean weeks rather than months, but Padrone takes His time, thinks things through, and doesn't even mention them if He chooses not to implement them.

But i'm not even talking about just use. i mean rules as well. i remember, quite clearly, when my only rules were no cumming, and typing an email daily, begging for more. The frustration was so intense....who had ever heard of a Master who didn't control more than just one's orgasm? And if i brought it up, He would say that He didn't know my life well enough to implement more rules yet. i had no idea what that meant. i was so used to arbitrary rules that were pertinent to the Dominant's wants and "needs" that had no bearing on my own lifestyle, that the idea that a Master would actually consider how i live, before putting rules in place, was a hugely dramatic difference. It took a while for me to settle down and just wait.

But He's done that with every rule He has put into place. And now, even *i* bring things up to ask about Him making into rules, and He will now explain His thoughts about it, more often than not, which brings me to another point.

Padrone has never hidden behind a "cloak of mystery". He is who He is, and while He doesn't always say a lot, it is more because He is a quiet man by nature, rather than Him being "mysterious". Those who are self-proclaimed "enigmas" or "mysterious ones" are pretentious, and their Dominance can't show clearly because they're too busy hiding to reveal it.

Padrone (luckily for me) believes in keeping His slave happy. His philosophy is that "a happy slave serves better", and since it is all about Him in the first place, He does what He has to do to keep Himself well served. (now that i've boosted Him into "SuperDom", i'll explain in a way that doesn't make Him seem quite so egocentrical.)

It really IS all about Him. And yes, He keeps me happy. i am quite sure that it began from the idea that i would serve Him better if i am happy, but now it is as much because He does care deeply about me, and He takes His "job" of caring for me very seriously.

How does He do this? How did it change from being all about HIM to being about us? Well, see above. He took His time to learn about me, about my life, about my family, about what i care about, about what i need, and He has come to care about my happiness for itself, rather than just a means to keep Himself happy. He has learned to trust that i will do all within my power to keep Him happy, and that has ... in essence ... freed Him to do the same for me. i have learned to trust that my needs will be met as His slave, and so many of my wants as well. Some things i don't even ask because i trust that He is alredy thinking about it. And nine times out of ten, He is. That is the kind of thing that makes Him so unique and unusual. He doesn't see me solely as a woman for His pleasure when it's convenient for Him. He sees me as a woman for His pleasure all the time, even when there is no sexual or overt D/s interaction going on at all.

He gives so much to me, and wishes so many good things for me, because He really believes i deserve them. Yes, it is about His power to grant them, at times. But He doesn't grant them for His own ego to be boosted by my gratitude (well....not totally, anyway). He does it for me, and my gratitude and the resultant ego boost is what He knows will come after the good thing is granted or given. He is so good to me.

His simple desire is to be adored. He has a need to know that my sole focus, purpose, will, desire, need is to be His. He needs as deeply as i need to give all i am and express the submission so strongly. He needs one woman to need Him. He needs to be her world, her support, her protection, her security, her strength. He needs to control things in her life, but more than that, He needs to control her thoughts. i mean, He needs to be in her thoughts as constantly as possible. He needs to be needed to a very deep level, and that is one reason He is perfect for this slave, and also very unusual. So many Dominants want to be needed, but only when it is convenient for them to do so. Sometimes they only want to be needed when they're in the mood for it, and they don't want to hear about it any other time. Padrone accepts when i am feeling mushy or submissive, even if He isn't in the mood to express His dominance, and allows me to express myself anyway.

He is the most patient person i know, even when He was hurting from things i would say, early in our relationship. He still believed in me, and believed that i would learn and grow into someone more pleasing to Him. He is also so accepting of others, and i am trying hard to learn from Him in regards to that acceptance.

He doesn't live a relationship in a chat room, or even on the phone.

His idea of a relationship involves one's entire life, not just a chat room. He goes online to chat, not to pose or posture. If i royally screw up and misbehave terribly in chat, He would punish me. But saying something that another person doesn't agree with, or doesn't like to hear, or "acting" in a way that others might not approve of, isn't something He takes serously enough to punish me for. Why spend our time together punishing me, when He didn't think i deserved it in the first place? Why look for things to criticize me about? Why expect me to behave perfectly, when i'm just me?

And that is the last point i will talk about this post - the fact that He accepts me as i am. He knew i was a sassy bitch when He met me. He knew i had a "mouth" on me, and i wasn't intimidated by most Dominants. But He also saw that my behavior had an underlying respect, and i was (and still am, for the record) quick to apologize for any offense, real or imagined, that i may have caused. But He accepted me anyway, and i have learned, as i have grown to know Him better and better, to behave in a way that He finds pleasing, when i interact with anyone. He doesn't want me to do as i have a tendency to do now (because of outside influences, which i can't, unfortunately, seem to shake the effects of), and be quiet. He wants me to be myself, the person He knows and loves. He wants me to express my personality, to stand up for myself, to talk and interact freely with folks who don't know me well because i am now too quiet for anyone to get to know. And i am working on it, but He isn't pushing me in any way because He accepts where i am, who i am, and what i express to others. He isn't critical or punishing me for not doing what i know He wants me to do. He isn't giving me examples of others' behavior to try to model. He isn't trying to change me. He knows that any change that happens is another expression of submission, and He will not take it, it will be given freely, or it won't happen.

And i guess that is the bottom line difference. Padrone will not take that which is not freely given. He will not force Himself on anyone. He will, when He wants to, use me when i am not in the mood to be used, but that is because i am already totally His. And if there were a valid reason for me not being when i had wasn't even an option. (mainly cos i couldn't type, actually!)

The point is that there are so many ways that Padrone is vastly different from other Dominants that i have interacted with, that i have asked Him to blog His thoughts about being a Dom. He said no, generously explaining to me why, and so the thought popped into my head to try to explain these things myself. i know i haven't mentioned everything, but the reality is that i am so wonderfully owned now, that it is hard to remember all the differences at one sitting. So this idea will be a work in progress, and most definitely to be continued.....

Thank You, Padrone, for that first pinch, and everything that has happened since then, to bring us where we are. i am the luckiest slave alive, because i am Yours.

i believe....

i believe....that communication is the most basic key to any relationship, period.

i believe....that a successful D/s relationship focuses more on the relationship, once the D/s is established.

i believe....that love is a word spoken too freely most of the time, and it keeps us from thinking more deeply than surface emotions.

i believe....that control and submission are part of a person's personality, and aren't turned on and off based on how a person judges another person.

i believe....that respect is a two way street. If someone else must earn mine, then i must earn theirs.

i believe....that respect is given freely by my actions, if not by my emotions. If i show disrespect to a person, it reflects on who i am, rather than who they are.

i believe....that trust is too easily given, and betrayal is too deeply felt for easily given trust. Nobody is perfect, and pain happens in a relationship.

i believe....that it takes a lot of work, energy, and time to make a relationship succeed.

i believe....that a successful relationship is one in which both partners are secure in who they are, and in who their partner is....and feel safe enough emotionally to be themselves fully.

i believe....that trust is what is earned, far more than respect ever will be.

i believe....that trust takes a long time to build, and it is built gradually. Trust is not an "either/or" proposition. There can be the position of "i neither trust nor distrust, yet".

i believe....that the choices one makes determines one's path in life, even (or especially) when circumstances limit one's choices.

i believe....that life is sometimes hard, but rewards are great for going through the fire.

i believe....that judging others is mostly a comparison in which others come up lacking to onesself.

i believe....that those who judge don't like to hear others' judgements of ourselves.

i believe....that learning not to judge is one of the most difficult things in life.

i believe....that learning to let others' opinions not matter so much, is more difficult than learning not to judge.

i believe....that finding the right partner is life's greatest reward, and i know i have done nothing to deserve it, but i know that i have found Him.

i believe....that keeping Him happy is my purpose in life.

i us.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

being taken

Today i realized something about myself.

Today i realized that there are times that i need to feel....totally dispensible, especially to Padrone.

i know that sounds silly, and crazy as well, but it hit me when i was doing a task that he had never had me do before. For some reason, the need to not have any of my own needs or wants taken into consideration as he used me, became totally overwhelming.

You know, usually it *is* all about him, and i am so fortunate that he loves for his slave to be pleased sexually, and to be happy in general. But lately a lot of life's circumstances have required a lot of the focus in our relationship to be upon me and my life and my situation, and it's created a...i don't know, but it's as if both of us have needed to "right the boat" or something.

i needed for my needs to not be taken into consideration, to not even be expressed. i needed for him to literally take whatever he wanted, without thinking about me as anything other than the means for his pleasure....the meat for his use.... the property for his abuse if he so wished. And that's not an easy thing to express, especially without saying "i need", which would totally defeat the purpose in the first place!

Padrone only ever takes what is offered, and while he understands that everything i am, all i have, all i will be, is his totally and unreservedly....sometimes there is something within him that doesn't allow him to use me solely for his pleasure without regard for me and my pleasure. (i'm not talking about safety here, i am talking about pleasure)

But tonight, the opportunity arose for me to .... show him my need, while fulfilling one he has expressed in the past (at least to a degree). i was "taken", harshly and roughly and coldly.

That is something that i am not sure he would necessarily agree with, the terminology i mean. But that is what happened, and the reason it is worth typing about is this:

Tonight, for the first time, i can explain what i mean by that term - being taken - in a way that makes sense. Padrone, now and then, the need to truly be treated as an object, as a piece of meat, as....nothing.....with my existence recognized solely through use for your pleasure and for no other reason....sometimes that is a deep need that i haven't ever been able to express coherently.

i think that, after tonight's scene, You understand - even if nobody else does.

Padrone, i feel more Yours now than i ever have, and that is saying a lot. Thank You, for things i can't put into words. i am Yours.