Saturday, April 21, 2007

surgery update

Well, the surgery was successful, thank God. It wasn't the arthroscopic surgery he had hoped to do, though, he had to "open me up" to use his terminology. i have some recovery to do now, and i'm off to do just that. One-handed typing will probobly get easier with time, but for now, it's the pits.

Thank You for so much, my patient, loving, loved, Owner...mio Padrone.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


This will be a very short post, since i have far too much on my mind to be able to type coherently.

i am having surgery on my rotator cuff on Friday. Emotionally there are a lot of things going on, and after it was scheduled, and worker's comp had approved it.... i asked Padrone's permission to change it. He didn't allow it, for various reasons, and i am sure He's right. Right now i am really not capable of making decisions like that for myself, i know.

i know it is a fairly routine surgery, and that there is nothing to worry about. i also know, as do you all, that there is more going on with me, than just this. It's not an easy time for a major stressor like surgery. So i am worried, and upset, and stressed, and all of the things i hate to be but which seem to come so naturally to me.

So i will be out of pocket for a while. i don't know what will happen after Friday morning when i go into surgery. i don't have a clear idea of the recovery period. My doctor seems to want to sugar coat it. i wonder if he thinks i can't handle it. Maybe he's right. But i want to know, so i am going to find out as much as i can.

i will type more when i can.

i love You, Padrone.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

injury details

Since i'm giving details that i haven't ever revealed to anyone before regarding some things i typically keep quite private, i thought i might as well give more details regarding my injury too.

It has been determined that i have torn my rotator cuff, which is not fun in the least. No MRI has been done yet, and i know there is no absolutely definite way to tell if it is torn or merely injured in some other way without it. But both the physical therapist and the doctor i have been seeing are convinced that it is torn, based on my pain level and when and where it hurts. So i have been referrred to an orthopedic specialist, with whom i have an appointment on Thursday, April 5.

As far as work is concerned, i am on light duty, basically doing nothing. But they had to find a way to keep me on the job, or worker's comp would pay me to stay home. i don't mind working under these conditions except it is boring to the

i go to physical therapy twice a week, except this week it's 3 times for some reason. After Friday's session i don't know what will happen, because of two reasons...we don't know what the orthopedic doc will recommend, and worker's comp has only approved enough sessions to last through then. Personally, i can't imagine them not approving more, but of course that depends on what the orthopedic doc says on Thursday, as much as anything.

As far as serving my Padrone is concerned, it's not easy to do all the time. Some things i can't do at all, or can only do now and then. The hardest part is knowing that i can't give Him the pain He needs from me, or i haven't yet been able to at least. i have offered, but His concern for me has overridden His need for the kind of pain that He loves. He doesn't want me to be in any OTHER kind of pain, except what HE gives me.....a fact that makes me feel all mushy and cared for.

So i get a bit down now and then, from not feeling necessary at work, watching others work and not being allowed to even help in the least, even with my left arm which isn't injured. Btw, i am extremely right handed, and so even small things are amazingly difficult to do. (ever try to brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand?)

It is hard for me to know that Padrone is putting my needs first, even though i know it is temporary, and somewhat necessary right now. He knows me well, and He knows that i would be likely to ignore any pain in my shoulder, in order to serve Him as He deserves. So it is wisdom for Him to do as He does, no matter my assurances that i would definitely stop if i needed to - and maybe that's part of it....once we begin, it is very difficult to stop anything.

So right now, i find myself worrying over things, about whether things please Him, even things i would not have worried about as recently as last week. Being a slave, the lack of ability to serve in any way that i have been serving, is a trying kind of thing. i am learning, and i am keeping my confidence in terms of knowing that He wants me just as i am. The problem for me is knowing that He deserves more than i can give right now, but it's not a huge problem - yet anyway.

Padrone, thank You for the care, the concern, the orders to take care of myself first right now. i know i can't serve You as You want if i am not healthy. i am commiting once more to following doctor's orders to the letter, and doing all i need to do in order to recover fully, and once more be able to show You who i am. i love You, Padrone.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Details of our relationship's history

Well, for some reason i feel it is time to type out a history of our relationship in chronological order, from *my* perspective, and fairly accurately - although not nearly as detailed as the title of this post implies. But it's kind of hard to really understand what we have, if one doesn't really know where we have come from. i know that something happened even this morning that has had me smiling all day long, and it would be difficult to explain without here goes.

Padrone and i started talking online during a time when the slave He owned was not available online, after He pinched my ass in a channel, and then pinched my nipples for pouting about the ass pinch. i learned that He owned a slave, and i learned that He cared deeply for her, and i learned that she would be coming back online eventually. But somehow, we were drawn to one another. i felt then that His attraction to me was because of the way i scened. And that deserves an explanation itself - i was on irc simply to scene, i was planning on avoiding a relationship like the plague. i was recovering from a painful breakup of a relationship, and i had my submission hidden deep behind strong walls (or so i thought). i was whore. i was in several scening channels, and i would not even enter any that weren't expressly for scening. And since Padrone owned a slave at that time, i honestly felt that He was "safe" for me to scene with. i could lower my walls just a bit, submit to Him, be hurt when His slave came back online and He ended things with me, but use that as more excuse to build my walls even higher.

But the problem was that i found myself not wanting things to end after all, after we scened. Even the first scene was intense. The attraction grew. i found myself ending other conversations when He came online. i even left channels at times, if He didn't enter them when He came online. i would change my nick to one that only He knew, so that others would not know i was online. He even punished me, gave me an ugly punishment nick that i would have to wear until He said i could change it. Nobody else could do that, and have me actually obey. He was my Master, even though it wasn't a formal thing then.

Yet i remember distinctly the day His slave came online. We had been talking in PM on irc, and ... the conversation was about to turn into a scene, or so i thought. But suddenly He said "you will have to wait, my slave just messaged me, she is online." And that was that for that night. It was how it should be, i know. But it was also not easy for me, and that opened my eyes to what i truly wanted. i honestly felt, until then, that i had my desires under control. But that moment i knew that i wanted more.....that i longed to feel as loved as i could tell she was, and to feel the control that i felt from Him, more and more deeply. i wanted to be His slave. That rocked me to my core.

i knew that the only way that could happen is if He owned two slaves. i knew that i had no hope of replacing the one He spoke of so fondly. i had no reason to believe that He would ever consider owning me too, and i doubted that i would be able to handle being owned by someone who owned another slave. i felt that it was not even a consideration, for either of us. And i truly felt that her return would mean that i seldom saw Him, and that there would be no more scenes or PMs. i would miss it, because we had begun to get to know one another by then, and i thought of Him as someone whose opinion i valued and respected.

But one day i asked Him to extend His control into my real life anyway, even with all my doubts. He had me ask three times, in the ancient way, to ensure that i knew what i was asking. Each question sank me deeper and deeper into submission. He said yes, He accepted my submission, and immdediately told me that i can't cum without His permission - lol.

That began a roller coaster that, had i known would have been so tumultuous, i might not have jumped onto....but it has been worth that ride, make NO mistake about that.

It was several weeks later that He collared me, and i think a couple of weeks after that that He told her about me. i did have an advantage, because i knew about her and she didn't about me, but that didn't make it easy. When she found out about me, she would often change her /whois on irc....including things that were painful, hurtful to me. i knew it would happen, and why she did it, but what she did was reinforce my insecurities. Poor Padrone was caught between two women He cared for, both possessive and jealous, one feeling betrayed, one feeling not as good because she was not collared first.

i would be awakened with a text most mornings, which was wonderful in so many ways. But they were usually nothing more than telling me when to stay out of IRC because of when she would be there. i remember the day of Katrina well, for more reasons than the devastation. i had gotten a text saying my curfew was one time frame, then another text changing it. i went online during the time i knew He was there with her, the only time i ever did that, just to.....well, to "touch" Him, because i was terrified. She had changed her whois to state that she was His treasure, in Italian. Talk about hurt....and yet it was my own fault that i saw it then, at a time when i had no way to deal with it emotionally.

During the recovery from Katrina, we would talk some, and while He would not tell me what my punishment was for my reaction to reading her whois, nor would He talk about that incident at all, He was always available on the phone, whenever i could get to one and call Him, even if He was with her. i never knew, and still don't know, if my calls interrupted their conversations....i only know that i could call during limited times, based on availability of the phone, and when i could get into town.

It wasn't long after i got back online that i had a birthday. i remember asking for a specific time frame for a birthday gift, and it wasn't possible because she had a broken leg and had gone to the doctor that day, and He wanted to see what the doctor said. i understood, but it still hurt. i began to doubt that i could be in a relationship with Him, even Him, under those circumstances anymore. Even though there were beautiful times, like the time it hit me that He risked His relationship with her to give me His was still so hard. i am so insecure, that it was really hard to share the know that He had tender, loving times with another woman, that meant as much to Him, if not more than, the times we shared. That was so hard to live with.

i began to push Him. i see now that i was trying to push Him away. i didn't know how deeply His commitments are, not then. i didn't realize that the same compulsion that drove me to submit to Him so deeply, also drove Him to control me to the same depth. i didn't know then that He wasn't really sure why He felt that releasing me would not be the right thing to do, i just knew that i was pushing, and i pushed until He withdrew, completely. i know NOW that it wasn't just *me* pushing, but then i thought He went offline because of me.

i felt guilty, not only for the emotional distress i caused HIM, but also the distress that i felt i caused her.

See, what nobody understood, not even Padrone until later, was the tremendous burden of guilt i felt. i thought that my collar caused that woman unknown depths of pain, because i know how it would have felt for me to have been offline, and come back to find that Padrone had collared another slave while i was gone. i couldn't have borne it, and i had deep respect for her that she continued to wear His collar, and for Him to work hard to keep that relationship alive.

After He came back, i withdrew. At some point i asked for release, but Padrone would not release me. i was asking because something had happened......i don't remember what, probably she showed up when she wasn't supposed to be online, and interrupted us as she would do sometimes. i knew it was deliberate, Padrone knew it was deliberate, and yet i knew it stemmed from insecurities, probably newly enflamed by my collar, even though by then several months had passed since i was collared. i asked for release to ease her pain, and help Him heal that relationship. i loved Him deeply even then, and His happiness was my deepest desire. i still didn't accept that i made Him happy too. He told me that He would not allow me to sacrifice myself for her. i know now that He had suspicions of her behavior, and was giving her rope to hang herself. Then i didn't understand the way He worded it, but i didn't ask for release again.

It was near that time period, that the moment i never can describe happened. i gave myself completely to Him, my focus sharpened until it was on HIM, and on US, and her influence diminished to the point of not even existing anymore. i remember telling Him that i would no longer allow her to affect us, unless she forced her way into our relationship, or unless He chose to allow her to be there. She became a non-issue for me, and that is when our relationship began to truly blossom.

During January and February of 2006, Padrone started saying things that indicated to me that ..... well that what i had longed for was happening. i couldn't believe that He would say those things to me, and still have the same kinds of feelings for His other slave that He used to have. i was His pride, i was born to be His slave, born to serve Him, i made Him happy....things like that gave me hope, yet i never asked, never questioned, what was changing for Him. It was obvious that something was, though.

He would spend time with me online, on yahoo since He had given up on irc by that time. He would leave me, spend time with her, and then come back to me and ask me to call Him. (or maybe He would not even spend time with her at all, and spend more time with me). Subtle changes, things that i would never count on happening, but which i loved, and appreciated, when they did happen.

Yet i always knew that i was the one that was.....the relationship wrecker, if their relationship ended. i knew that i was the "other woman". i knew that i was the usurper. She was still the...legitimate slave.

i began to spend time in irc. i had friends there, and i love to chat, and i was making new friends. i would not see her nick there, or very seldom at least. and if she was coming online when i wasn't there, she wasn't identifying with nickserv, so i could not get info when i did that command. i was there fairly regularly, sometimes when she was on yahoo with Padrone, or when i assumed she was anyway.

One night......i won't ever forget it, and i doubt seriously that Padrone will either...i went to irc and she was there. i did a whois, as was my habit. She had put in her whois that she was firstgirl of Franti. Well, Padrone had stated repeatedly that He owned two slaves, separate but equal, and that He didn't have a first and a second slave. So....based on what i felt i understood about her changing her whois so often.......and based on what Padrone had said to me about first girl, etc......and based on the closeness that i had begun to trust was deepening between us......i got very upset. i sent texts and yahoo messages begging to call. i was crying, and i had to leave the house so my kids wouldn't worry so badly. i never got a response to my text, and so i called Him anyway, something i have only EVER done when highly upset.

He listened, and He understood why i was so upset, and He gave me a gift that night that i never dreamed He would give while He still owned both of us. He told me (after calming me down, no small task in itself), that He had been suspicious of her behavior for months, and that she had gone too far this time. He said that she had asked Him about saying that she had been collared first, because her friends in irc were asking if she was still collared after seeing my nick online. i questioned that because she was never on irc, and so we both knew that she was just out to hurt me. But Padrone was... wonderful to me that night.

He...not only felt protective of me, even towards His other slave, the one i thought was so... revered ... but He also began to talk to me about her, and a tiny bit about their relationship. We talked for hours, until deep in the wee hours of His morning. He told me some of His suspicions, some of the reasons she still wore His collar. And i knew then, when He opened up like that to me about a subject that had been strictly taboo prior to that time, that her days as His slave were numbered unless she did some major changing.

She didn't. They argued one day about her failure to complete a task that He had been giving her repeatedly for months. He didn't see her online for several days, but she popped on a couple of different nights for just a few seconds at a time. He got an email or a yahoo or something one day after that saying that she had been in the hospital with a broken leg for almost a week. So He had His proof of her lying, and His suspicions of other behaviors were strongly reinforced. He released her the next time He saw her on yahoo.

That......was....traumatic for me.

Why? i'm not at all sure, fully. i had convinced myself until He shared His suspicions a week or so before that time, that she was super slave and could do no wrong, even though i had my own suspicions of her behavior myself. i thought that He held her in such high regard that i wasn't even allowed to speak her name. It was a major adjustment to realize that *i* was the one who .... was honorable, had integrity, whose submission was real and deep and true, and desired and sought after by our shared Master.

It took a while, several weeks at least, but i finally began to bloom as His only slave. i still had silly spells. He came back to irc and we began to spend more time in the channel we frequent there. i had trouble with jealousy for a long time, because i could not rid my mind of the thought that He needed more than i could offer Him, and there are some wonderful slaves in that channel. i begged for His promise of monogamy. i begged for the security that could only come from myself. i have no idea if that is the reason He wouldn't give it, or if He truly didn't know then that He would not want another slave, but NOW, i appreciate Him forcing me to learn to trust Him deeply, based on who He is and not what He said.

And that is what began to happen. i began to blog, first in my private blog that i don't use anymore, the one that i used to discuss feelings about the transition from sharing Him to not sharing Him but being afraid to really open up because of the possibility that i would have to share Him again. He had talked about designing a web page for me, for us, to show what a long distance relationship can be. i kind of thought about that, and asked if i could blog those kinds of thoughts, and that is where this blog began. As i began to type things, i saw so much in a different light. The trust began to build. i began to believe that i could make Him happy. i learned basic (very basic) HTML and designed a plain website for Him, for our anniversary. He began to....well, to show His feelings a bit more openly, not only in channel, but privately with me as well. He let me in. And when He made Himself vulnerable in a way that is not easy for a man to do, i began to really trust that i am the one that He wants, that He isn't looking for another slave to own, that He really doesn't want one even if one caught His eye.

And i trusted that He loves me, in spite of all the reasons i could name that He shouldn't.

Lately things have been deepening between us at a fast pace. The things that y'all see in channel are real. We don't play a role for public consumption. i am truly His in every sense of the word.....and that is a place that i have earned, won, gone through a tremendous fire to occupy. He is my Owner, not just a title, but the person who controls me, whose will drives me. He has also gone through hell to have - well, not earned it because He has always deserved it...rather to have His slave see it, and trust it, and revel in it. He controls my body's response with just His voice, when He chooses to do so. He controls me, my orgasms, my pleasure, my pain, my thoughts, my emotions. He loves for me to be happy. He loves that i make Him happy.

Even the recent slightly silly spell did nothing but make Him smile, because they are easily dealt with nowadays. But usually when something happens that kind of feels like deja vu, i get a little silly for a bit. It is lessening in frequency and intensity and duration, however, and i'm not complaining, and i am SURE Padrone isn't!

And so that brings me specifically to today. This morning we were in irc, in the channel publicly, and also in our private channel. Some topic sparked a conversation between the two of us, and i asked a question about one of my restrictions regarding serving in irc. And i told Him that i really don't like serving others, but if i am called to do so, that i will to the best of my ability of course. And then i said nothing for a few minutes.

It hit me...and i asked Him about it....That He feels the same way about scening with someone other than me. It pales in comparison, it falls flat, there is something missing, even when thinking of it. He needs me, my submission, my devotion, my love, my gratitude. He needs *me*. Another sub, no matter who she is or how deeply submissive she feels, is not the same. And He said that nobody else can compare with me.

And y'all know what? At last....i know it is true. i *am* all He needs. And i do make Him happy.

And so today, while i have been allowed to wear the rope that He rewards me with when He chooses to, i have thought of nothing but that realization, and how it can and will change my life. It won't change anything except emotionally for a while, i'm sure. But eventually my actions will change as my confidence grows, and that knowledge becomes a part of my knowledge base.

How lucky can one girl get? How devoted can one Master be to His slave? And how can she ever show Him her gratitude for His deep commitment, and for His beautiful ownership?

i will never be able to express what i feel, Padrone. i am Yours.