injury details

Since i'm giving details that i haven't ever revealed to anyone before regarding some things i typically keep quite private, i thought i might as well give more details regarding my injury too.

It has been determined that i have torn my rotator cuff, which is not fun in the least. No MRI has been done yet, and i know there is no absolutely definite way to tell if it is torn or merely injured in some other way without it. But both the physical therapist and the doctor i have been seeing are convinced that it is torn, based on my pain level and when and where it hurts. So i have been referrred to an orthopedic specialist, with whom i have an appointment on Thursday, April 5.

As far as work is concerned, i am on light duty, basically doing nothing. But they had to find a way to keep me on the job, or worker's comp would pay me to stay home. i don't mind working under these conditions except it is boring to the extreme...lol.

i go to physical therapy twice a week, except this week it's 3 times for some reason. After Friday's session i don't know what will happen, because of two reasons...we don't know what the orthopedic doc will recommend, and worker's comp has only approved enough sessions to last through then. Personally, i can't imagine them not approving more, but of course that depends on what the orthopedic doc says on Thursday, as much as anything.

As far as serving my Padrone is concerned, it's not easy to do all the time. Some things i can't do at all, or can only do now and then. The hardest part is knowing that i can't give Him the pain He needs from me, or i haven't yet been able to at least. i have offered, but His concern for me has overridden His need for the kind of pain that He loves. He doesn't want me to be in any OTHER kind of pain, except what HE gives me.....a fact that makes me feel all mushy and cared for.

So i get a bit down now and then, from not feeling necessary at work, watching others work and not being allowed to even help in the least, even with my left arm which isn't injured. Btw, i am extremely right handed, and so even small things are amazingly difficult to do. (ever try to brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand?)

It is hard for me to know that Padrone is putting my needs first, even though i know it is temporary, and somewhat necessary right now. He knows me well, and He knows that i would be likely to ignore any pain in my shoulder, in order to serve Him as He deserves. So it is wisdom for Him to do as He does, no matter my assurances that i would definitely stop if i needed to - and maybe that's part of it....once we begin, it is very difficult to stop anything.

So right now, i find myself worrying over things, about whether things please Him, even things i would not have worried about as recently as last week. Being a slave, the lack of ability to serve in any way that i have been serving, is a trying kind of thing. i am learning, and i am keeping my confidence in terms of knowing that He wants me just as i am. The problem for me is knowing that He deserves more than i can give right now, but it's not a huge problem - yet anyway.

Padrone, thank You for the care, the concern, the orders to take care of myself first right now. i know i can't serve You as You want if i am not healthy. i am commiting once more to following doctor's orders to the letter, and doing all i need to do in order to recover fully, and once more be able to show You who i am. i love You, Padrone.