Sunday, September 15, 2013
Appropriate song for what I'm talking about today.
So I've been working on a lot of things lately, mental work which can be far more challenging than physical work can be. Of course, I've begun walking which I hope will help spur some weight loss but even if it doesn't then maybe it will help me feel better about myself and be in better physical shape anyway.
I've also been fighting another dad-gum bladder infection. But that's neither here nor there, frankly, because it heals.
Mentally, however, my work is far more difficult.
I've come to some interesting places in my mental life lately. I've realized that, though there are some very ugly things in my history, I have every right to be angry about it. Finally, after years and years, the anger is turning outward where it belongs, rather than inward in self-loathing and guilt. The effect on my sexuality is lessening a bit, thank goodness. Frankly, i used to use sex to avoid the reminders of the past. When I finally got the memories repressed, I stopped being interested in sex at all for a long, long time.
Even when Padrone and I met, I was a slut. I needed BDSM, needed D/s, but I refused to deal with all the emotions it stirred up in me and so I thought I effectively shut my heart off and submitted sexually only. Padrone, of course, saw through that facade into the real me, and what little he saw interested him enough that he revealed that interest and we, obviously, became a couple.
But the underlying anger, which had been directed inappropriately, was still there. I just didn't know it. I couldn't feel it, I couldn't deal with it when I did feel it, and I kept it as repressed as possible - to my mental and physical detriment. I look back now, and I'm still rather screwed up, and wonder how the heck Padrone put up with me!
So now, I've started facing the repressed emotions and even the memories creating the emotions. It hasn't been something I've wanted to do, especially at this point in my life because I'm busy and have FAR too much going on in my little section of the world. But I've had to for whatever reason. And as I've faced the demons who wreaked such havoc in my adult life, I've begun to feel a tremendous amount of anger. It's been generalized, making me ill as a hornet towards everyone I have come in contact with, except Padrone. I find it quite difficult to be ill with him - he is so easygoing that it just rolls off his back anyway so why bother?
During one of those moments I had a revelation of sorts. I had felt aroused and it was a direct, and finally obvious, way of avoiding the demons. I was PISSED, believe me.
I mean, I was incensed!
And I went into immediate arousal denial mode.
Until I was able to contain that anger, to focus it, to...attribute blame for what happened to me as a kid to the right people.
Until I was able to finally, after all these years, feel less guilt. I literally felt it disappear from my mentality. Not totally of course, but just enough to make me see beyond the veil of guilt and self-loathing as it were.
It was a major life-changing moment for me. I have NEVER felt like that before, and yet now...it's an amazing feeling still although I still struggle to maintain it. Let's face it, the thought patterns of almost 5 decades will not be changed overnight.
I still haven't allowed myself to feel aroused yet, because I really don't want to deal with the possible effects of it yet. And I'm talking "spontaneous arousal" rather than being aroused by Padrone, if that makes sense.
Padrone, I'm still working through this stuff. It began when I started going chronologically and really looking at issues and not avoiding them. Memories, what actually happened, my own thoughts and feelings - they all worked together to trigger some sort of release of the anger and the healthier self image that has happened so far. I have had a lot of trouble putting all these things into words, and I'm still not sure I did so coherently. All I know is that feeling safe within our relationship is the one thing that has allowed me to confront these demons and work through all these issues, as they present themselves to be dealt with. I also feel confident to seek out the demons and confront them on my own now - something I've always run from in the past. I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel for you. You have literally changed my life. Thank you will never be enough.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
It's been so long since I've typed here that I don't know how to start. It's been a crazy, insanely crazy, few weeks. Or longer, who knows?
I've been working, and working some LONG hours. I'm teaching totally different things than I ever have, with a totally different student population, in a totally different environment.
I'm enjoying my job, overall, but it has been a LONG time coming. God, it's been rough. But I am hopeful that some recent discussions with students and administration have really been beneficial. I had turned in my resignation, but rescinded it. I cannot break my contract - I simply can't. It's the wrong thing to do.
Anyway, my kids are great for the most part. I'm getting to know some of them quite well, and I am learning to love these kids. I'm also teaching them with high expectations, though it's a difficult thing for them to deal with at times since they haven't always been held to high standards, sad as that is. But it's a really good thing for me, because I can show a lot of growth in these students' performance, which will make me look really good - lol. :)
I've missed Padrone, because as you may imagine working so much has severely limited her time and availability. She is really upset with that, and has truly missed her Master so much. But she has started leaving work at a more decent hour as she has gotten more settled. She can call and talk on her way home from work since the signal is decent except for a 10 minute stretch there. She also gets home early enough to be able to get online if we don't talk while she drives home. Usually anyway.
Yesterday I went to a special showing of some art related to the 9/11 attacks. It was absolutely moving and a very special presentation by the artist himself. The students were supposed to go on a field trip, but it was cancelled at the very last moment, and it put me in a bad light since I am the one who contacted the gallery to set it up and they really went all out for the students. It was too late to reschedule another group by the time we had to cancel, so I felt very responsible, and felt obligated to go. So I took the day off and went. It was a very, very wonderful time, and I am incredibly glad I went. I think Padrone is very glad, and proud of me too, since I simply told the headmaster that I felt obligated. He understood, and encouraged me to go.
Today Padrone and I talked for a while, and I heard his voice calmly telling me he was so glad that I am the kind of person who always tries to do the right thing, even when it isn't easy. He appreciates it in people in general, he said, but especially in his woman.
Yes, I melted.
Padrone, I am so glad to be yours. Words cannot ever express the depths of my enslavement to you, in every way. Padrone, thank you so very much, for loving me, for missing me, for needing me, for owning me deeply. I am so yours, my Padrone, even when circumstances prevent me from expressing it as fully and as clearly as I need to. I love you, Padrone. I love you.