Thursday, June 20, 2013
I cannot type much tonight because I am without Internet for a while and typing on my phone. I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to my Padrone, who allowed me to beg for his control 8 years ago today.
eight years of joy, trials, love, heartache, laughter and fulfillment. We are two incredibly blessed people.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Well, the dreaded vacations are over (for now a least)! We both survived, and enjoyed for the most part. I worked, doing things for my parents that they cannot do themselves and my brother and sister in law who live nearby don't do for them. I also relaxed and enjoyed myself, overall. I felt a tiny bit smothered but nothing like it usually is when I'm there.
Padrone felt the lack of control over his own choices that often comes with vacationing with others, no matter how easygoing everyone is. He was in a beautiful spot in northern Italy, and walked enough for a year (his words, not mine!), but otherwise enjoyed his stay.
We're both glad to be home though!
While I was gone I had two interviews for three positions since one school had two positions open that I am qualified for. I felt good about the interviews, better about one than the other, and I hope to hear something about them soon. I also found out that there are two Sped positions available in the neighboring state. The salary range for that state would mean that I would make $10,000 more per year than I do now (including the addition of Masters degree). I'll pay the $30 application fee for that for sure!
That's it for now. I'm without internet at home, sitting in McDonald's at the moment, and a very good friend who doesn't know about this part of my life just came in.
Padrone, I adore you!
Monday, June 03, 2013
I've been thinking a bit more lately. I guess when I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I can think a bit more clearly, go figure.
Someone may wonder what types of things can be done to humiliate long distance. And first, I MUST say two things: 1) humiliation in general should never be attempted unless/until a deep level of trust in each other has been attained, and 2) long distance humiliation requires even MORE trust, because the Dom must trust that the submissive is actually doing what she is told to do, and also the submissive must trust that the Dom will not try too much, too soon and cause her to freak out or something.
So, the first step is to get to know each other very well first. Understand that, while calling a girl a bitch or a slut or a cunt is quite mild in the realm of D/s (overall), those are really not very nice words to call a girl in general. I still despise being called cunt - it has some negative emotions attached to it for me. And honestly, the word bitch has never been sexual at all for me, it's been just an ugly name that's thrown around in arguments, until Padrone. So be careful. You never know what will trigger a negative response, and when you are long distance, the negative response could have some serious and far-reaching consequences.
Start on the phone or in email rather than with independent types of humiliation. By that I mean, even if you want her to do something physical, have her do it while you are on the phone so you can judge her response, her reaction, and the after effects of it. But be careful - it can be quite tempting to go too far if you can perceive no negative aspects of what you have done. Give it time. Women, especially submissive women, can get so caught up in pleasing you that they either ignore or don't communicate anything that may stop you from getting the pleasure you get from humiliation play. And we also need time to recover, to process, to ask for reassurance 1000 times, and to move to a deeper level of trust that you still want her even if you call her "ugly" names or have her do things that are embarrassing or humiliating.
When (IF) you move into more independent types of humiliation, do so again with tremendous caution. Padrone has me do things that I absolutely HATE, but he gradually worked up to them, and had to trust that I was doing them so it took a lot of time to build to that level of trust. I don't have to prove anything to him, but I felt the need to at one point simply to prove myself trustworthy. But he knows human nature quite well, and he could often tell by my responses to the things he was asking me to do that I was actually doing them. No, I never did things on cam for him. No, I never took pics of myself doing them. (or maybe I did, but it wasn't a requirement by any means) And if you can't trust that your submissive does what you ask her to do, then maybe you don't trust her as deeply as you should for long distance humiliation.
Maybe what Padrone and I have together is more mental than most people can accept. Many people give lip service to how important the mental aspects of D/s are, but few truly understand or practice the mentality of it. So many feel that a physical relationship is more important, and I feel that the physical simply expresses the mental that is there. So for me to do the things Padrone requires of me in terms of humiliating tasks, it is simply an expression of the intimacy and the control and the surrender that is *already* present in our relationship. It is NOT a means of obtaining that control and surrender!
So what are these things that are done to humiliate me long distance? I guess pretty much the same things that are done in person, in a lot of ways. I have had a brush up my ass, wagging my "tail". I have barked like a dog, yapped like a little puppy (I still remember VIVIDLY the first time I did that - it took forever for me to get the little yapping out, and lots of tears and encouraging from Padrone). I have squealed like a pig. I have worn lipstick on my cunt lips. I have written words on my body. I daily wear my slave number on my body somewhere. I have worn the "brush tail" and lapped water from a bowl. I have crawled to fetch toys. I have been called names that, while are EXTREMELY nasty in italian, have become almost terms of endearment because of how pretty they sound phonetically. I have been called names in english that have felt like a kick in the tummy at times - even if Padrone doesn't think they are as expressive as the italian terms. There is one word in italian that I think sounds very pretty, but Padrone has said that if an italian heard him calling me that, they would wonder why because it is SUCH a truly BAD word to call anyone. But it's an endearment to me, most of the time, even though I know what it means. He can call me the english equivalent and I'm in that humiliation mindset immediately because I know what he wants and needs from me.
But that humiliation mindset is not always possible, either. If emotions are far too close to the surface, for instance, humiliation may not be the best thing for the submissive, even if you have a burning need for it. Humiliation is such an emotional thing for the person being humiliated, that it is not always a good thing to do. That sounds so basic, but frankly, I have had to end relationships before because the Dom could not understand that...well...that it truly ISN'T all about him.
Which brings me to the most important aspect of long distance humiliation. Well, a long distance relationship of any sort actually. It isn't all about either of us. Balance, balance, balance. See, one thing that Padrone brought into our relationship that it took a while for me to get used to, AND to trust, was that he has a deep level of understand of just what it means to have a long distance relationship. In other words, he knew that he had to get to know me and my lifestyle and my circumstances in order for his needs to be met. He is quite flexible in his thinking and can think of alternate ways to get what he wants and needs from me. He does not have a set of rules that "His slave" will or will not do, such as dress a certain way or whatever. He understands that I am an individual, and while he would love things that I cannot provide because of my life, he has found ways to get his needs met in ways that I can provide.
But it isn't all about HIM. Padrone has a saying - a happy slave serves better. We slaves often don't want to think about our Masters giving to us simply to make us happy, but that's a part of any SUCCESSFUL relationship. If Padrone didn't make an effort to make me happy, and assumed that all I need to be happy is the chance to serve him and make HIM happy, then guess what? I ain't gonna be happy! I need to know that he cares about me, not simply about a romanticized version of D/s and what a "slave needs" and such as that.
A long distance relationship is not a fairy tale, if it is a successful one at least. And I think that with ours lasting 8 years, and each of us very happy in it, I can call ours successful. It takes work, communication, understanding, and sacrifice on BOTH sides, ESPECIALLY if humiliation is brought into the relationship.
Padrone, the more I think about what works in our relationship, the more grateful I become for you being who you are. You may be arrogant and have a big ego, but the fact that you can patiently wait for me to reach the point that I can do what you want and give what you need has probably been the most important factor to the success of our relationship. You put your own needs on hold while working towards a level of intimacy and connection that neither of us thought possible, and that is what made meeting your deep needs possible. I still don't think I can type "your deepest needs", because I have a very strong feeling that you have even stronger, deeper, darker needs that you have not expressed to me yet. Some of those may not be possible to meet long distance, and that is understandable. And some you will express when you feel is the right time. I trust you to know me, to "read" me, and to open me to your will - as you do so wonderfully and so beautifully, even through humiliation.
Thank you, Padrone, for being the man you are and making me so extremely happy. Thank you for wanting my happiness as much as I crave yours. Is it any wonder that I adore you with all that I am, my love? I am, indeed, yours.
Sunday, June 02, 2013
I've been thinking lately, go figure. It's been good thinking, though. :)
Padrone is on vacation, reluctantly. I am laughing as I type that since he is a major homebody and even being offered a free vacation to the beautiful Italian mountains was not enticing for him! He will enjoy it far more than he thinks, but of course after raising such a ruckus about it (with me, not with the generous offerers), he'll complain a bit when he gets home - lol.
I am so glad he is on vacation. Not that I want to have such limited contact with him, but I do know that changing scenery can often be a nice shot in the arm, even for people as even-keeled as Padrone. And even though all the fresh air and GREEN may choke and blind him, it's my firm belief that he'll come home rested mentally and physically, and be quite glad he went.
Of course, I could be wrong, and he could be glad to get home to bricks and fog, but hey, I've been wrong before!
I plan to go visit my parents this week while he is gone, so our crazy schedules will have a shorter effect than if we went at different times. The problem right now is that due to a miscommunication with my doctor's office and pharmacy, I was off of some of the medicines that have helped me so tremendously since I started taking them. It is taking a bit of time for me to get them back into my system, and I keep yawning and yawning and feeling the incredible lethargy I felt for so long. A month isn't long enough for them to be in my system fully enough that taking almost a week of won't make me start over again - or feel like it anyway.
So I may wait until Tuesday before I go. My mom wants me to help her move some books from storage into her house, and as a reward I can get some books she has already read! Yay! And since Padrone so graciously granted permission for me to go on my own "free" beach vacation, I have my entertainment already lined up! What can I say, I am amazingly low-maintenance!
And what I've been thinking about lately is the fact that Padrone and I have been together for 8 years now. 8 years. We have been through some terrible times, and some joyous times as well. I have literally fallen apart several times, and if it weren't for Padrone to hold me together, I would probably have given up altogether a long time ago.
I give Padrone what he needs as well. He hasn't fallen apart or anything, but I have made his life better, and have made him so incredibly happy. Even my silliness offers him a means to exert his control and to lead and guide me, and for me to show the adoration I feel for him - all of which he needs. He loves obedience and the overt expression of his control. We fit so beautifully together, and I love it. I love him.
So, Padrone, while you breathe the toxic fresh air and take in the noxious green color of nature, just know that your slave, your schiava, adores you with all she is and can't wait to tease you more about your hated vacation! My Padrone, I am so GLAD to be yours!