Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day thoughts

The hardest times are when one or the other of us have ISP It's been His turn lately, although i did today....but not during a time when we were expecting to be online together anyway, so it really didn't matter.

i love surprising Him, with little things and big ones. i haven't had a chance to surprise with anything big for a while, but even the little things are fun. Like a bj in channel in IRC today, when He just thought He was coming online to be social. LOL, i didn't mean for it to go the direction it did, but somehow i can't seem to help myself when i am with Him.

For me, today is a day in which snuggling with Him physically would be nice. It's Memorial Day here, lots of families doing things together, and i would love to be doing something family oriented with Him here with us. i can imagine just hanging out, kids coming and going from the neighborhood, the two of us grilling, me fixing the rest of dinner and serving it....just typical family things, on this holiday. i do think of Him being here during times like these, but it is more of a "how nice that would be" rather than a "god i wish He was here". There is acceptance and desire, but not desperation or railing against reality. i'm not sure i am explaining how i feel well at all, doesn't really matter. i understand it

i think that is the main ingredient that has allowed our relationship to be so very real and meaningful to both of us, acceptance of reality and its limitations. That acceptance allows us to revel in what we have, rather than dwell on what we don't have and let it eat away at us. Our relationship moved beyond a scene very early, and it has grown because it meets needs in our lives, not just in a part of our respective psyches. We need from each other what the other brings. i need the control....the total control of that which He chooses to control, that He gives. (i phrased it that way for a reason. i am a firm believer that *no* person can totally and absolutely control another, but what i give Him, more than anything else, is the authority over my life for Him to choose what He wishes to control and not to control.) He needs the surrender of that which He chooses to control, and submission in that surrender, that i give. And we each know that it isn't words on a computer screen. Each of us....well, recognize the true person in the other, and that is what sparked initially, and which has allowed the spark to grow into a steady, slow burning flame. i'm getting into a very convoluted area here, so i will just stop.

i think the point i am trying to make is that we have made a choice to bring our relationship into our lives. It not only affects us, a very rich and colorful thread in the tapestry of our individual lives.....the life we are making together, even while physically separated.

Happy Memorial Day, y'all. Remember...... all sacrifice some, but some sacrifice all. Let's honor those who have given their lives - not only for our country, but for freedom everywhere.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

just random thoughts

i wish i had the ability to type my thoughts coherently. What y'all read, and are so gracious to say nice things about, is just the tip of the iceburg. i always read back and say "that doesn't make a lick of sense", mainly because it didn't come close to saying what i was thinking! Well, as Padrone says, i do think a lot, so maybe that's why.

So thoughts....boy have there been a ton of those things rattling around lately! Tonight, Padrone asked what i think about when i do one of the tasks that i've been assigned.....go into a certain position for 5 minutes every night. Now, y'all try holding one position for 5 minutes. Then try holding it without thinking. :) So i have lots of thoughts. When He asked me what i think of when i am in that position, designed to make me feel so very submissive....i told Him some of the thoughts. Mainly i think of Him, who He is and what He is to me, and ways that i may be a better slave, things i can do or say or act to be a better slave for Him. i think of who i am, usually what He calls me but... that is who i am to Him, something i typically have a hard time translating into His feelings for me.

How do i know what He feels for me, when i can't see His face when He speaks...or feel His hand caressing my cheek.....or any of the body language that we typically trust more than voices to communicate? We talked about what makes our relationship "real" for a while. Trust i have already talked about, and that's the big thing, but it has to be built. We communicate often, using many means to do so. i email at least once a day, a journal type of email, talking about my day, my family, my plans, my thoughts, my emotions, etc. We meet on IRC almost daily, and more than once many days. We text-to-email and vice versa. We talk on the phone. i have a private blog where i talk about things i can't bring myself to say when we are talking....or maybe they are too complicated and i need to type them and let Him read and decipher before they are mentioned. i now have this blog. So many ways to communicate! i share myself, i open to Him. He has always required that of me, but...i couldn't help but do it anyway. That is just the person He is.

And He shares Himself too, just not in the same ways. His ways are more i told Him tonight, on the phone...He shows His emotions with actions....and yes, with words, but...when He says the words, they are so valuable....and i hide them, keep them in my heart, repeat them whenever i need to. Those are the things that typically pull me from the quagmire of my own negative thinking. When He listens to me, even though He is upset....showing me far more respect because He has learned that i am only pushy when it is necessary...that shows me how He feels about me. When He endures my insecurities, knowing that there is no reason for them other than my own fears, that shows how He feels about me. When He uses me, and the closeness leaves us both speechless afterwards....that shows how He feels about me. So when He calls me His with such pride..and says the words i live to hear....they are the glittering jewels, whose worth is meaningless if the crown of ownership is not strong enough to bear their weight.

i know who i am to Him. i don't doubt it, most of the time. And i know who He is to me. We each have a firm grip on reality - He can't drop everything and move to America, nor can i do the same to move to Italy. So within those constraints, He gives me all He can, and i do the same for Him. We each have our own lives, our own separate identities and interests and friends....but we belong to each other, as surely as if the leash binding me to Him *was* made of leather.

Friday, May 26, 2006

insecurities and recovery

The hardest part of this blog, short as it is, is not finding or making time to type in it. Nor is it in choosing what to say or how to say it. The hardest part, to me, is in revealing things that i once would never have considered revealing publicly before. Not that anything intensely personal will be told here, but....well...i'm fairly private, actually, no matter what my public persona in IRC But everyone who knows me there, knows how i feel about my Padrone, so that makes it easier to talk about our relationship here.

i find that i am learning more and more about my Padrone through interaction with Him in IRC. We met there over a year ago (hard to believe in some ways, wow), but spent a lot of time in PM and not necessarily in channels, and eventually met there only rarely.....until the past couple of months. So seeing Him in channel, watching the interaction, especially while being His and wearing His collar, is a fairly new thing, even though i have been His for quite some time now. It's interesting to hear comments that others make about Him, both subs and Doms. It is so nice to "snuggle" with Him while watching chit chat, or a scene, happen. i do imagine being with Him rl, kneeling beside Him and leaning on His leg while we are in a group of folks, as we are in channel. It is when i get in that "mode" that i go quiet, as i am really for more of an observer in a group setting than a participant, for the most part. Unless, of course, i feel confident in the group. That is something that i am still working on.

Lately, because of the increased interaction in IRC with the most incredible subs and slaves i have ever met (as a whole, and individually as well), my confidence is quite low. i hate when i start with the makes me feel quite stupid and, as Padrone says, silly. All the old platitudes about "if i doubt myself, i doubt His judgement", and "Who wears His collar?" help. But my overly- analytical bent, which is working overtime lately because of things happening here (where i live) that are causing a lot of stress, always leads me to say "yes but" to most anything. At this point, i believe little good about me, and anything negative. And it is beginning to really get on my But i'm not sure how to get myself out of this cycle. And this is one thing that i hope nobody will comment on, please.

Except Padrone, of course, and i know what He would say, if He said anything. This bent of mine is something He knows well, and has amazing patience with, even if He doesn't understand where it comes from. (i bet a lot of you submissives know quite well what i am talking about, Now and then He will be a bit impatient, but that's being human. Usually He doesn't say anything directly about what i say, when i reveal these insecurities, but He addresses it differently. He reassures me in ways that i know i don't deserve, but which are far more effective than words. Lately i have yearned for words, too, though, and it is then that i run the risk of falling into that downward spiral. Yuck. Sometimes i hate living in my own mind.

i am the luckiest slave out there, and i well know it. i just hope i can become the slave He deserves.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Trust and other rambling thoughts

Now that i know folks have read this, it is far more difficult to type!

A glimpse into my morning..... There are tasks that i am required to do every morning, which i gladly do most days, but when i'm sore already, it's not easy to do! One thing i have a habit of doing now is waking up around my 5, and i usually doze until my 5:30. Why? Because now and then, Padrone will text me, waking me up when He gets online, to do a task, or once He just sent a kiss. That was nice, but has only happened that one

i get up a bit later, do my first-thing-in-the-morning (or sort of first thing) task, watch the news while having coffee, and then typically text to say i am getting online, or whatever my plans for the morning are. Today, thankfully, there is little on my plate so far. i'm feeling a bit lazy today.

So i've been thinking about things i have heard when people find out that my Master is in Italy and i am in America. The first thing is usually "that has to be so hard!" or something to that effect. i also hear things like "will you make it real?" and "when will you become His, rl?"

i don't get defensive about those kinds of comments, because i know where they are coming from. i also know that what Padrone and i have is not for everyone, nor do i believe it is typical, even of a long distance relationship. Our needs mesh amazingly well, as do our desires. We are looking for the same things out of a relationship, and they aren't all physical. But i know most folks don't understand how or why the mental and emotional bits meet needs to a degree that the physical is less important. That's why it is seen, by some, as "less real" than it is.

But it has happened for us. We have built a deep level of trust in one another, to the degree that there is no doubt about who the other is, or what will be done. Alright, next question (if one is female it is the next logical question, but of course i am *not* going there!) is how can trust be built over such a distance?

Well, that takes time, effort, and a desire to trust. Time.....for us, it took quite a while for the relationship to reach a point that each of us could, and would, relax into our roles. There was a time when i knew that i was having to *prove* myself, my submission, my emotions, my obedience. And i was also testing Him, trying to push, to top from the bottom, to find out what kind of Master He is. That is normal and natural. And due to circumstances which i won't address here, now at least, it was more difficult for me than it might otherwise have been.

i remember the first time He assigned lines for me to write, for a punishment. He never asked for them after i had written them (i don't even know if He knew that i have a scanner), He just told me to write them. But i was thinking "How will He know i did it?". It just seemed so....fake, being given a task and then nothing - i could have not done them and said i had, if i were that type of slave. i didn't want to be seen as that kind of slave, even a passing thought of i scanned the pages and emailed them to Him. He didn't ask for them. i didn't really *mean* to send them. It just felt like the right thing to do, did help to build the trust. It reinforced what was there already, and because Padrone is the way He is, it meant more to Him that it was freely offered, rather than something He had to ask for. He enjoys spontaneous acts of submission, far more than most anything else i can do, i am learning.

And the appreciation He showed for having gotten them unexpectedly, helped me to know more about Him, and how better to please Him. i didn't know if He might feel that it was an intrusion or something rather presumptuous of me, or what. Every bit of open and honest communication we have helps put another brick in the pillar called trust.

Trust is only part of it of course. But i'm rambling now, so i am off!

i am His loving schiava, born to serve Him.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

a beginning in the middle

Starting anything is always the most difficult part, for me at least. And so, i will not begin anything, i will merely type and let the words flow as they will, editing as needed.

i do think i need to give a reason behind this particular blog. i am in a long distance relationship with my Master. We have a public life in a channel in IRC, and i get many questions about the realities of this kind of relationship from other submissives. i still would never have thought of sharing them publicly, except Master (who i call Padrone, as He is Italian) had the idea of a website. That struck me as a wonderful idea, but a blog....i guess it is a way for me to type things as i think them.

We have lately had many conversations about the realities of a long distance relationship, and those are the things that i would like to share from my own experiences, and hopefully hear from others as well. But i won't go back and talk about who i am or why i do what i do, just to do it. i will probably share those things, because that *is* part of who i am, but i won't make a conscious choice to do so.

What is important is that i belong to Him, in ways that i never dreamed possible. And we are both surprised sometimes by how deep our relationship is, how strong the bonds of D/s and ownership are. i always think "this is it, there is nothing more that we can do, being this far apart." - and yet there is always something else. It grows and deepens naturally. We don't force things, we merely recognize our own feelings, and communicate them with each other. When the time is right for ...... changes...... they happen.

Just like this blog.