just random thoughts

i wish i had the ability to type my thoughts coherently. What y'all read, and are so gracious to say nice things about, is just the tip of the iceburg. i always read back and say "that doesn't make a lick of sense", mainly because it didn't come close to saying what i was thinking! Well, as Padrone says, i do think a lot, so maybe that's why.

So thoughts....boy have there been a ton of those things rattling around lately! Tonight, Padrone asked what i think about when i do one of the tasks that i've been assigned.....go into a certain position for 5 minutes every night. Now, y'all try holding one position for 5 minutes. Then try holding it without thinking. :) So i have lots of thoughts. When He asked me what i think of when i am in that position, designed to make me feel so very submissive....i told Him some of the thoughts. Mainly i think of Him, who He is and what He is to me, and ways that i may be a better slave, things i can do or say or act to be a better slave for Him. i think of who i am, usually what He calls me but... that is who i am to Him, something i typically have a hard time translating into His feelings for me.

How do i know what He feels for me, when i can't see His face when He speaks...or feel His hand caressing my cheek.....or any of the body language that we typically trust more than voices to communicate? We talked about what makes our relationship "real" for a while. Trust i have already talked about, and that's the big thing, but it has to be built. We communicate often, using many means to do so. i email at least once a day, a journal type of email, talking about my day, my family, my plans, my thoughts, my emotions, etc. We meet on IRC almost daily, and more than once many days. We text-to-email and vice versa. We talk on the phone. i have a private blog where i talk about things i can't bring myself to say when we are talking....or maybe they are too complicated and i need to type them and let Him read and decipher before they are mentioned. i now have this blog. So many ways to communicate! i share myself, i open to Him. He has always required that of me, but...i couldn't help but do it anyway. That is just the person He is.

And He shares Himself too, just not in the same ways. His ways are more subtle...as i told Him tonight, on the phone...He shows His emotions with actions....and yes, with words, but...when He says the words, they are so valuable....and i hide them, keep them in my heart, repeat them whenever i need to. Those are the things that typically pull me from the quagmire of my own negative thinking. When He listens to me, even though He is upset....showing me far more respect because He has learned that i am only pushy when it is necessary...that shows me how He feels about me. When He endures my insecurities, knowing that there is no reason for them other than my own fears, that shows how He feels about me. When He uses me, and the closeness leaves us both speechless afterwards....that shows how He feels about me. So when He calls me His with such pride..and says the words i live to hear....they are the glittering jewels, whose worth is meaningless if the crown of ownership is not strong enough to bear their weight.

i know who i am to Him. i don't doubt it, most of the time. And i know who He is to me. We each have a firm grip on reality - He can't drop everything and move to America, nor can i do the same to move to Italy. So within those constraints, He gives me all He can, and i do the same for Him. We each have our own lives, our own separate identities and interests and friends....but we belong to each other, as surely as if the leash binding me to Him *was* made of leather.