The hardest part of this blog, short as it is, is not finding or making time to type in it. Nor is it in choosing what to say or how to say it. The hardest part, to me, is in revealing things that i once would never have considered revealing publicly before. Not that anything intensely personal will be told here, but....well...i'm fairly private, actually, no matter what my public persona in IRC is..lol. But everyone who knows me there, knows how i feel about my Padrone, so that makes it easier to talk about our relationship here.
i find that i am learning more and more about my Padrone through interaction with Him in IRC. We met there over a year ago (hard to believe in some ways, wow), but spent a lot of time in PM and not necessarily in channels, and eventually met there only rarely.....until the past couple of months. So seeing Him in channel, watching the interaction, especially while being His and wearing His collar, is a fairly new thing, even though i have been His for quite some time now. It's interesting to hear comments that others make about Him, both subs and Doms. It is so nice to "snuggle" with Him while watching chit chat, or a scene, happen. i do imagine being with Him rl, kneeling beside Him and leaning on His leg while we are in a group of folks, as we are in channel. It is when i get in that "mode" that i go quiet, as i am really for more of an observer in a group setting than a participant, for the most part. Unless, of course, i feel confident in the group. That is something that i am still working on.
Lately, because of the increased interaction in IRC with the most incredible subs and slaves i have ever met (as a whole, and individually as well), my confidence is quite low. i hate when i start with the insecurities...it makes me feel quite stupid and, as Padrone says, silly. All the old platitudes about "if i doubt myself, i doubt His judgement", and "Who wears His collar?" help. But my overly- analytical bent, which is working overtime lately because of things happening here (where i live) that are causing a lot of stress, always leads me to say "yes but" to most anything. At this point, i believe little good about me, and anything negative. And it is beginning to really get on my nerves..lol. But i'm not sure how to get myself out of this cycle. And this is one thing that i hope nobody will comment on, please.
Except Padrone, of course, and i know what He would say, if He said anything. This bent of mine is something He knows well, and has amazing patience with, even if He doesn't understand where it comes from. (i bet a lot of you submissives know quite well what i am talking about, though....lol) Now and then He will be a bit impatient, but that's being human. Usually He doesn't say anything directly about what i say, when i reveal these insecurities, but He addresses it differently. He reassures me in ways that i know i don't deserve, but which are far more effective than words. Lately i have yearned for words, too, though, and it is then that i run the risk of falling into that downward spiral. Yuck. Sometimes i hate living in my own mind.
i am the luckiest slave out there, and i well know it. i just hope i can become the slave He deserves.
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