Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I forgot our anniversary.
I started my new job today and I have been thinking for weeks what a fun coincidence it is that my job started on our anniversary, and how easy it was for me to remember the date of my first training.
I stayed up late (for me) last night finishing an assignment for one of my classes, and even when I saw the date of the submission (three days early, tyvm) I didn't even think "oh tomorrow's our anniversary" as I usually do.
I am so embarrassed, actually, because I never forget anniversaries. Or birthdays. Until this year.
I got a Voxer from him while I was in training, and I know he knew I had forgotten, and I just hope it didn't bother him too much. I'm not sure - it really is a special day for us and always has been.
Maybe I should link to the post about taking each other for granted being a *good* thing!
Padrone, you know that my light tone hides a real heart filled with love for you and joy at being yours. It never ceases to amaze me just how happy we are after all this time, without having met face to face.
Who I have become and what I have accomplished is due to your presence in my life, and the affect your love and acceptance and support has had on me. You said that you saw a strength in me from very early in our relationship that I didn't recognize. I would venture to say that you saw much more that I am still now learning to believe about myself. That belief, unwavering and powerful, is the foundation for everything I now am.
And everything that I now am, is totally, irrevocably, yours. Buona anniversario, il Padrone mio. Forever.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
This is the second of three posts that Padrone will write as a result of our recent wager. I am thoroughly enjoying reading his words and thoughts, even though I already know how he feels about many things, now I understand when he says that he loves to read *my* words! So, without further adieu:
A HAPPY SLAVE SERVES BETTER
I use to say that a happy slave serves better, and it's a reasonably true statement. If you are regular reader of this blog you should have quite a clear idea of how our relationship works and I'm quite aware that it doesn't look like the Master/slave relationships described in other blogs or websites. Unfortunately there is a widespread notion that being the dominant in a D/s relationship is not very difficult, all you need is an imposing attitude, the knowledge of a few platitudes like “safe, sane and consensual”, a clear idea of how your slave should behave and that's it, all you need to do is to seat in your armchair, crack your whip and let your slave do her best to make your life easier.
In your dreams maybe, if you are so dumb to dream that kind of scenario, because with just a minimum amount of thinking a question should come to your mind: why should she bother? What makes you so special that a woman should give you the authority to control her life, and choose to dedicate that same life to obey, to serve and to please you?
I understand she is a submissive, I understand she NEEDS to be controlled, but if your part in a D/s relationship is just to set out a list of rules and to be a domineering figure that is all you will be: a figure, not a man, a character in a second rate drama that you are writing in your mind, exchangeable and useful as much as a Bic lighter. And it does not matter how carefully you write your part in that drama, sooner or later (sooner than later, I suspect) you will discover that life has its own way to interfere with your wishful thinking. What will you do, when some relative or friend unexpectedly arrives? When she has to stay late at work? When she comes to you crying or terribly upset because something bad suddenly happened?
After a few struggling attempts to build a D/s relationship doing things “by the book” I decided it was time (with age comes wisdom, they say) to bring my experience and, again, some common sense in my D/s life, and both experience and common sense tell me that people start a relationship hoping to be happier than they were before. It does not matter if you are dominant, submissive, vanilla, gay or transgender. You just want to be happy, it's as simple as that.
So I finally realized that owning a slave could make my life easier, yes, but much more than that it could make me tremendously happy if I just could quit the dream and start living it as … life. D/s or not it's still a consensual relationship with an adult woman. She has her own background, her family, her career, her inner world and, guess what, she wants to be happy too!
And now I believe that dealing with it is part of the job description.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Well, Padrone lost our recent wager, and I was not offered the job I had interviewed for. I had even less of a chance because the principal was not even there for the interview, so I knew when I left that I very likely didn't get the job. Here is Padrone's first of three blog posts. And yes, it has left me in tears, in case you wondered:
The Heart of the Matter
It is quite difficult to imagine two people more different than me and my slave: she is emotional and giving while I am controlling and self-centered, she loves to talk about whatever is happening into her life while I am much more reserved, she is smart, dedicated and clever, but her mind tends to wander in a thousand different directions while I am obsessed by the need to simplify and to reach the heart of the problem, she tries to solve everything right here, right now! while I step back and take my time … and I could go on and on with our differences, but if you are a regular of this blog you already know what I am talking about.
As different as we are, we have now been engaged in a long distance relationship for seven long years and there is no doubt that we have become so intimate and important to each other that the only way to describe our feelings comes down to a simple, single word. And that word is love.
How is that possible? How can a man and a woman who have never met, who live at the opposite side of the Atlantic ocean, who speak different languages and have such a different background, become so close and intimate? Why does she choose to obey and strive to please me? Why do I feel that she is my treasure, my star, my flower of the south? How could we build such a solid D/s relationship? Seven years, and we are still as happy as pigs in mud!
When I was wondering about it the usual answers came to mind: trust, communication, honesty, commitment, yadda yadda. It's all true, of course, it all works but I was not satisfied. Those are all consequences of something else, something deeper, something basic, I had to find the heart of the matter and again it all had to come down to a single, simple word. And I found it, that word is respect.
True submissives are rare, even in the D/s lifestyle, and they don't live an easy life. A troubled past has often left them with a need to please and to find someone to surrender to, to such an extent that their craving has to be hidden from families and society if they don't want to face constant blame and abuse. It's quite ironic that the same families so ready to condemn those needs are usually the origin of what they are blaming but, anyway, subs are forced to hide to the world who they really are. My dear slave had to struggle all her life with her need to submit and the inner sense of guilt inspired by the uncaring community surrounding her and yet, with all that struggle, she managed to become a very, very good woman.
While I was getting to know her I was often amazed by the difficulties she had to overcome and by her inner strength, a strength that at the time she was not even seeing in herself. There was something deeply worthy, deeply … moral, in her struggle to be a good woman for her kids and her family without having to lie to herself about who she needed to be.
The more I got to know her the more my respect for who she is kept growing, and that respect is now the foundation of a successful relationship. Trust, yes. Honesty, sure. Communication, of course. But, most of all, respect, all the respect she deserves without even realizing it.
We all know it's possible to love without trust, to communicate without honesty, but when a relationship is based on mutual respect then every good thing can really grow and you eventually find out that you have built something solid, something lasting, something that at the heart of the matter, where our life has to be balanced, is worth living.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Just a vanilla post to touch base more than anything. I still have some D/s thoughts rumbling around in my brain, but it will be a few days before I can type anything of substance.
My sister in law has had some pretty intense health issues going on this summer, and my parents have been babysitting their 7 year old son. When they got a call about the last "emergency", my mom called and asked if I could come help them. They have their own health issues, and while the child is not a problem, it is a weight to have him 24/7 for a couple of weeks at a time when you aren't used to having him for more than a couple of hours at a time. So they were pretty well drained.
So I am at their house right now. I've been here since Wednesday afternoon, and will head home today or tomorrow, depending on what Padrone says. I've been working on my schoolwork too, so that helps. I would have had one of the assignments finished by now if I were home, but I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. And actually, I find it relaxing to be here because I don't have to deal with the ex, his family, my kids (they have called a time or two but not asking for help for anything, surprisingly enough), or anything else. I've shopped at a thrift store and found some things for my new classroom. I've helped my mom in her house. And I've called about getting a ramp and a lift so my mom can use her scooter chair. She is pretty much housebound unless she *has* to go somewhere, because she has COPD and simply cannot breathe well. So I'm working on getting those for her and hearing aids for my dad (no joke, but it's funny).
I haven't kept in touch with Padrone like I should have, I know, and I feel incredibly guilty about it. But this break from my house, my typical stressors, has been absolutely wonderful. I feel refreshed to begin a new school year, and I had been dreading it because I felt too stressed and exhausted to do anything. Since my sister in law has improved and I am not here under obligation anymore, it is almost like a vacation. So yes, it is a very, very good thing for me right now.
Things start "hopping" next week - like going to the doctor, taking my mother in law to the doctor, and starting to work in my classroom. I'm excited about that! The room is huge so I have a lot to do! But it will really be fun to get ready for the school year. My training starts on July 31, for half a day.
Padrone, I know some of this is not really what you hoped I would say. Thank you for allowing me to stay a bit longer than you feel that I should, and especially for understanding the inability to stay in touch as much as usual as well. I am hoping to do better with that, even if it is texting which I forget sometimes now that we have voxer.
I adore you, my Padrone, and am more grateful for you every day. And yes, before you ask, my ass is a bit tender as you hoped! Kiss.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Today has been an incredible day. I have a lot to type but I am going to start with an update of my life stuff.
I am going to be working in my local school district next year, teaching 5th grade Special Education (unless they change their minds. I have the job but the assignment may change, actually). I'm glad to have a job! I passed my Praxis II and now have that endorsement on my license which is good. Working locally will give the the chance to save some money and some stress of such a long drive. I mean, who can argue that driving 15 minutes to work is less stressful than driving 50???
Lots of other stuff has been happening but the biggest thing is that I have a major issue with doing my schoolwork this summer! I cannot make myself do it for some reason. So I did something I'm not sure I have ever done, that Padrone agreed to at least.
I asked Padrone to hold me accountable for completing my schoolwork.
It's really unfair of me to ask it, since *he* isn't the one in school, so why should he have to keep up with my assignments and when they're due? And it is temporary I know, if for no other reason than that these classes will be done in a couple of weeks - lol. I'll have more classes in the fall but not until a few weeks after school starts and I get settled into my new job. I think this year will be better because I kind of know how the beginning of a school year *shouldn't* be, and with this larger school district it's a bit more professional than the other district. We'll see though.
So today I wouldn't have even asked him for that because I was in "freak out" mode for various reasons. Mostly it was because it had been a long time since I had been able to focus solely on Padrone. I really have had a busy, stressful summer, unfortunately. I've missed it, although I hadn't recognized it before today. But today, I went to town for groceries and when I got home I voxered Padrone to tell him I was home and I got a return message very quickly asking if I was home alone.
Not typical, especially lately.
I was, so he told me to go put my eggs in (I have vibrating eggs that I can insert ... one in my cunt and one in my ass), and wear my butterfly clit vibrator, and kneel in the corner and wait for his call.
So he called and had me turn the butterfly on. Now, you have to understand that I have a major love/hate relationship with that thing. It is intense and brings me to the edge very quickly. But I cannot cum from clit stimulation alone, no matter what type or how intense. Well, I can't really say that because I don't know what a tongue would do but from my experience I cannot cum that way. So he can make me moan and groan and writhe and beg .... and beg and beg and beg.......with more desperation than I have felt in a looooong time.
God, I was insane. Finally I could play with my nipples and cum, and I felt as if I was screaming although I don't remember well, you know. Then he had me turn the eggs on, in what we call whore position, and hump....begging and cumming until I could think of nothing but orgasm and being controlled.
I needed that. But what I needed more than that was the words, the emotions, the love and pride and joy that Padrone expressed verbally, in his soft, loving, accented voice, simply because I am his. I was crying and drenched and tender and...oh god I needed it and I didn't even realize I did.
Tonight while online I served him unexpectedly, worshiping and loving and gratefully sucking and consuming his cock until he came. It was intense, intimate, and leaves me close to tears even now just thinking about it.
I needed it more than I realized. I needed to focus on him, and on who he is, who I am, the emotions, the surrender, the control. I needed to open myself totally to him, and to feel his openness as well. I needed to feel him inside me, in my very depths, and to feel surrounded and held and deep inside him as well. This is my life, and my reason for being. Being this man's woman is the most incredible thing I can ever imagine.
Padrone, I am humbled by the way you let me know just how much I mean to you, my Padrone. Sometimes I forget that not only the emotions themselves are reciprocated, but the intensity is as well. I get so much from you that I forget that you get as much from me. I'm humbled that me being myself is just exactly what you want and need, and that I make you so happy. I love you. You are an amazing man and my world is complete simply because you are in it. I have no more words; the emotions are far too deep. I am, simply and forever, yours.
Friday, July 06, 2012
Padrone and I had a discussion the other day, albeit a short one, about taking each other for granted. It's always been very important to me to make sure that Padrone knows just how deeply I appreciate him - who he is, what he does for me, how he has changed my life, etc. And I think I do a fairly good job of that, overall.
But one time when I said something like "I hope you don't feel as if I take you for granted..." he replied with something that really kind of stopped me in my figurative tracks. He said something to the effect of...taking each other for granted can be good.
That made no sense to me, as it ran counter to everything I understood about relationships - or thought I understood anyway. But it makes so much sense now that he explained it a bit, and I am going to try to tell you why.
His thoughts were that as we grow in a relationship, that we *should* take certain things for granted. The example he gave is that he knows beyond doubt that I will do my best to please him and obey him...even if I fail, he knows that I did my best to succeed. In the beginning of our relationship he didn't know that, but now he takes that for granted - he doesn't even think about it anymore whereas early on he had to consider my successes and failures and explanations of failures and determine my honesty and sincerity - the actions he required were indeed tests of my submission and my integrity. And that's how it should be in the beginning of any relationship - indeed, that is how it *is*. And yes, I tested him to determine the qualities of his Dominance and how well they meshed with my own submissive needs, but it was also a test of his own personality traits as well.
But you know what? Now there *is* no doubt about who he is, or who I am in his mind. We *can* take certain aspects of our life together for granted, and not only is it not a bad thing, but it is very much a positive thing.
See, I know that my Padrone loves me, and I can take that for granted. It doesn't mean that I'm not amazed by how wonderful it is, or that I don't feel gratitude for his constancy. But I don't wonder anymore if what he feels is true, or how deep it may be, or if he will skedaddle at the first sign of real trouble. And I know what he expects of me, and how he will react or respond (for the most part - he can still surprise me at times: see posts about the wager!), but I know several things beyond any doubt whatsoever.
Padrone always has my best interests at heart, even if he requires or expects me to do things i don't really want to do, or don't see any value in doing. That was really hard for me to accept for some reason, maybe because his explanation early on of his generous, giving nature is that "a happy slave serves better"!
He loves for me to be happy. He loves making me happy and allowing me to do things that make me smile. He loves when things happen that are good for me, make my life easier or better in some way.
He enjoys my accomplishments, loves being proud of me. I used to try to shrug off his words when he would express his pride in me, although it made my heart glow to hear them. I would wonder ... not about his sincerity, but about whether he may have simply been trying to boost my confidence about things. But I gradually, finally, began to realize that he truly *is* proud of me, and now it is something I do take for granted. And you know what? Not only is that alright, it's a *good* thing!
Think about it for a minute. We've been together for 7 years. If I still had doubts about his having my best interests at heart, or loving for me to be happy, or being proud of me, or so many other things I could mention - after all this time - what kind of relationship would we really have? There comes a time for trust to reach the level that taking certain things about each other for granted is a positive rather than a negative, or else the relationship can never grow, and the participants can never be truly happy or fulfilled. Reaching that point can allow us to simply relax in our happiness and focus on being more and more fulfilled with each other in our lives.
The sole reason we are in relationships is to be happy and fulfilled, right?
So, while I appreciate all that Padrone is, and does...it really is alright for me to take certain things in our relationship for granted.
This was quite eye-opening for me, as I am sure you may imagine. Padrone, you are so wonderful to me, for me, and I never have the words to fully express my emotions where you are concerned. You always hear what I can never say, though, and I know that the depths of my adoration and devotion to my Padrone is something that you can, and do, take for granted. You make me more than I could ever be on my own. I feel powerful, beautiful, cherished, feminine, needed, and wanted. I feel invincible sometimes, Padrone, and so much of what I have been able to accomplish in my life is strictly due to your confidence, support, encouragement.
Padrone, being yours...not even D/s related, but simply being the one in your life who completes you, makes you happy, and fulfills you...is my greatest accomplishment. And knowing that you are as proud of me for reaching the point of being able to make you happy as you are of my other accomplishments, is yet another thing to make my heart swell and my smile glow. Grazie, il Padrone mio. Grazie.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
The wager has changed just a bit. We talked about the "freedom" thing, and how difficult it would be for him to remove his control even for only a couple of days, and how it would mean that I could act disrespectfully or inappropriately with no consequences. He chose not to answer questions I had about the story I will write if I get the job, and when I asked him why, he said that he was being mean and making it harder for me - that losing a bet is supposed to be hard.
What he was proposing was a vanilla relationship for 2 days.
You know, D/s is not always on the forefront of our relationship. It isn't always apparent or obvious in its expression. But it is simply part of who we are, and...well even thought it would be more symbolic than anything else...the thought of it not being there, by choice, with him having no authority at all, and me having no expectations placed on me....well, it just seemed *too* hard. (Although writing a 30 page story in 3 days would not be a piece of cake either)
So when we were talking about it, I basically asked him....shouldn't the one who wins the wager also want the results? It shouldn't *just* be hard for the loser, should it? And so he asked what I would like instead of that, and I thought for a moment....and came up with a new wager, that we both agreed upon:
If i am not offered the job, the result *I* expect to happen (I would win the wager but lose the job), then he will write a blog post once a week for 3 weeks. I will determine length and offer suggested topics - but I have no doubts that his own topics will be quite interesting and illuminating without my thoughts.
It isn't that it is extremely unpleasant for him to write his thoughts, or to share them (usually, he *IS* a man after all, with all the genetic issues with expressing themselves).
It is more that it is difficult for him to write long pieces in English. He has a wonderful grasp of the language, but he is seldom satisfied with what he types because he can express himself so much better in Italian (or so he says, I have to take his word on that one of course!). And now and then his grammar is a bit awkward. But it takes him a long time to write in English because of his perfectionism. So this won't be easy for him to do when he loses the wager.
I also get to keep my sexual exploration addendum, so I'm gonna have a little fun too!
It won't be easy for me to know that he is doing something really difficult for him. I'm not built that way. But I will love to read his words and thoughts that he will share publicly. I will have to simply be patient and know that he is the one who suggested the wager and made the choices as to what would be wagered. It won't be easy for me, because I am the type of person that I am, but I will do it.
Padrone, I am on the verge of apologizing for this particular wager condition, but...well, you agreed to it of course, but...the other just seemed way too drastic, and....difficult for us both. I know you think I'm overthinking something that will never happen, but that's the entire reason for the wager - that we disagree on the results of the interview! I'll have a much better idea in a couple of days, maybe. And I promise to wear my "lucky" blouse - I will do my very, very best since I really would love to get an offer from that district!
I adore you, my Padrone. Just simply adore you!
I have an interview with a very good school district on Thursday morning. I personally think I have a snowball's chance in hell of being offered a job there, which I am not sure Padrone believes is what I consider realistic and not simply doubting myself. The reason I feel that way is because I expect there to be far more experienced teachers applying for the job, and no matter how good a teacher I feel that I am, the reality is that I have not had as much opportunity to prove it as some other teachers may have had. It isn't that I feel that I am a poor applicant, just less experienced than some others may be.
Because Padrone feels strongly that I will be offered a job there, he proposed a "friendly" wager:
If I am *not* offered the job, the result I expect, then I will be granted 48 hours of total freedom, with no obligation to him whatsoever. I also added a little bit to that (for reasons of my own, which aren't nearly as obvious as they may seem) - as part of that "total freedom", I will be allowed to explore new ways to please him sexually, as long as I don't try to turn him into a sub (as if that was even possible, but a bit of sexual exploration can be fun I think).
As an aside here, if that is the result it's mostly a win/win for both of us - the *feeling* of obligation, of duty, is lifted which allows me total freedom to express my submission in whatever ways I choose, or not to at all if that is my choice (as if, but theoretically it is possible, work with me here - lol). And since Padrone enjoys those freely given offers of submission more than anything, he will be very pleased by every overt show of submission. And yes, he knows I will do them, because I can't go 48 hours without expressing my submission! So like I said, it's a win/win in a lot of ways. And it's for that reason that I asked for the addendum.
Don't tell HIM this, but I hope my suggestion intrigues him enough that I can explore a bit even if I *am* offered the job, but I won't have time to explore for a while if that happens.....
If I *am* offered the job, I will have to write a long BDSM story, at least 30 pages long, for him to publish on the internet. AND I will only have 3 days in which to do it! I've never typed 30 pages of *any* sort of story, EVER, so I'm kind of overwhelmed by his wager here - lol.
I have formally been approved by the Board in one of the jobs I was offered, and I was offered a second one yesterday. I have two more interviews set up on Thursday, and I'm debating whether or not to wear my lucky interview blouse!
What do y'all think? Should I hope to "win" or "lose"? And yes I'm teasing because I really *would* love to be offered a job at that outstanding school district! I guess I'm just truly moved and overwhelmed by Padrone's show of confidence in me. And yes, now I'm going to melt into a mushy pile of slave.
Padrone, I don't know (yet) why you are so confident that I will receive an offer from this particular district, but your confidence humbles me and makes me so proud to be yours. I am so moved, my Padrone. And I love you, too.