Saturday, July 31, 2010
Five years ago today, Padrone placed a virtual but very real collar on my neck, and in my heart. i honestly can not begin to imagine life without this man at the helm of it.
i have not been able to let him know lately how i feel about him. i know it is always there, always expressed to a degree, but we have truly spoiled each other and when one of us is unavailable for whatever reason, it is a major hardship for the other. Lately, of course, i've been incredibly busy and focused on school. Yes, we both wanted this to happen, and yes, we both knew it was going to be difficult going in.
He really has been wonderful throughout this time. i have been so blessed, you know. i know it, i admit it, i accept it, i embrace it. And sometimes, sometimes, i take it for granted.
i hate that he has had unmet needs for quite some time lately. i hate that i have had to delay meeting those needs if i wanted to be successful in this endeavor. i hate it more than he knows. i hate it more than i can express. i feel incredible guilt most times i do things for myself, and even moreso with this particular situation because i don't "better" myself well.
That is for another post, however. i hope to be finished with all my schoolwork later tonight, so hopefully i will get to blog more soon.
Padrone, You have changed my world in dramatic and subtle ways. You have changed me. You have changed my future and my outlook on life. You have changed my behavior and my mentality. You have changed the way i think, the way i react, the way i perceive what is going on in my daily life.
i can never express how dependent upon You i have become, how much i need You, and how deeply surrendered to You i am. You have literally become the center of my world.
So many words to describe our life and the way i feel about You and being Yours, but nothing can ever express any of those things. Those words sound trite and bland compared to what we have, Padrone, no matter how honored i am to be able to say i am Your woman. You, Padrone, have literally taken a broken, hopeless person and turned her into the woman You own. How could i ever express the depths of the emotions You evoke?
The past five years are only a prelude to the rest of our lives. i can think of nothing fulfilling than being Yours forever. i love You. i am Yours.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Yep, that's how i passed that particular test! i'm SOOOOOOO relieved!!!! It really *was* one of those tests that could have gone either way. And come to find out (after every person in the class emailed her about a particular question, and she told us basically "suck it up and get it") that the graph didn't print correctly, so we really DIDN'T have all the data we needed to answer the questions asked. Somehow that felt good too, just deeply relieved...she ended up throwing out that question, and will show us the correct graph and we'll discuss the answer in class Thursday night, and i'm glad to know that too!
So now i'm really beginning to focus more on what happens when i'm finished with these classes. i HOPE to find a teaching job, but they're pretty scarce around this area this year. i haven't given up hope by any means, but i am aware of the possibility that i may not be able to teach until NEXT year. i also haven't given up hope of a mid-year teaching job either, so i'm kind of not wanting to burn any bridges....and yet....the possibility of returning to school full time for my Masters is highly appealing to me now. I'd really love it if i could get a graduate assistantship as well, but i don't know how many positions there are and how many openings there might be for those positions. i plan on checking on it tomorrow.
i also found out that the county north of me has an opening for a 4H agent, and i would qualify for that job. i'm applying for it too, and if i get it, then i go in that direction for a while at least. To be honest, at this point, i'm ready to take any professional job i can get (and feel that i would be happy working in - i *am* picky, even if i have a wide variety of interests and i'm not limiting myself to teaching and refusing to look at other options of any sort.
My hope is that one day i'll work for a year teaching special education, get my 5 year license, and then i could teach at the state school, making 10K per year more than in the public schools, and in a fun environment as well. BUT, working with 4H would be fun too, except i know nothing about some of the things that many agents know about - it's alright though, because nobody knows about everything!
i plan to spend time over the next few days job hunting, applying for school, and finishing work for my portfolio in one class, and other end-of-class assignments for the other two classes. It really is winding down now, and while i'll be as busy as ever, there is breathing room and light at the end of the tunnel now.
Padrone, as expected, has been absolutely wonderful, as usual. i know it sounds as if i take him for granted so often, but just know that i never could. i lived too long with someone who kept me so far down that i honestly doubted my ability to do any of this, even to figure out where to start. Padrone's absolute encouragement has been my beacon, and i get so emotional when i think of how much he gives me and doesn't even realize it...
Padrone, i'm saving the "mushiness" for an after-school post. i've told You repeatedly, though, how much Your encouragement, support, and putting aside Your own needs for a while, not to mention the help with my website, has meant to me. i adore You, and i am, always, Your enslaved love.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
But not for long, of course - lol.
A brief update about school. It's been really difficult. Not the material itself, rather the workload on top of working all the hours i am working at my job. i had never done a power point presentation before, but i'm not a ppt virgin anymore! i have learned how to submit an assignment on the computer program they wanted, and i have scanned and emailed assignments, learned about APA formatting, and am becoming best friends with my printer. It's been really amazing that the biggest difficulty i have faced in the sheer VOLUME of work they expect, along with learning how to present what i know. i really expected a different set of difficulties but they haven't really been an issue so far.
The test i did over last weekend was though. i'm not even gonna comment on it until i know how i did. It's one of those things that could go either way, and i have absolutely no way of guessing which way it *will* go.
Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through all of this. i am reminded daily of how lucky i am to be His slave. Our relationship is based on D/s of course, and i do still live within the framework (as best i can, Padrone has told me to do my best, so the things that i struggle with, i have simply left off, like remembering to tell Him what i spend every day)...and i know that's a way of showing my submission, but of course we both need more. It is easier for me since i have school taking up so much of my mental energies, and Padrone would never demand anything of me right now. But i hate that HIS needs aren't being met very well. i know He expected it, and i know He is alright with it, it is just the submissive part of me that hates knowing that He puts His needs aside for a time so that i can fulfill a dream. Yes, i know He is doing His job in taking care of me and making sure i am happy and moving forward in life. But i am going to serve Him soon, that i assure you.
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how this man, who has never met me and who lives across the ocean, could be so important in my life. i'll blog about that when this is done and i can do it justice, but for now i will simply say that Padrone is the perfect man for me, and deserves all i can give Him, and i will give Him all i have and all i am.
Right now, i'm horny but more for the absolute surrender that comes from being totally controlled, than for actual sex. i need to beg and scream and plead....for pain, for pleasure, for whatever YOU need, Padrone. God i need to give all of myself to You soon...very soon.
Padrone, thank You. Halfway there now, with a few big projects to go, and thank You for the website, as well, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, and You have no idea how much i appreciate Your help and support and encouragement, and patience (which i know has been tried often lately). i adore You, and am so gratefully and wonderfully Yours.