Monday, April 23, 2012
I was supposed to type this over the weekend, but of course I didn't. Ugh.
I've got another kidney infection, and the family practice doctor I have been going to has referred me to a urologist. I see him on Thursday. I'm actually wondering if waiting until school is out would be a better idea since I am currently on another round of antibiotics, a different type, and it may actually knock it in the head this time. Of course, the biggest reason I wonder if waiting until school is out would be a better idea is because I don't really want to go at all. But I will. Double Ugh.
I also have another job interview tomorrow afternoon, which is a good thing. I was beginning to get...not worried, but really aware of the ticking of the clock towards the end of the school year. I know many principals like to have their positions filled before school is out so they (hopefully) won't have to worry about it over the summer. This is the second interview in this same district but the first was with a high school and this is with a Junior High. I know I am strange but I love teaching Junior High, so part of me really hopes I get this one.
And I had planned to type something different here this time. I hope I get a chance to do so soon, but for tonight I am going to go take my pain tablet and go to bed.
Padrone, I adore you, and I am so sorry about getting sick *again*. I *am* glad it was *after* this weekend, though, because of the intimate and wonderful things that happened then! You are so very, very good to me, Padrone. I am so grateful to belong to you, the only one who could ever be so incredibly, magically perfect for me! I am yours.
Monday, April 09, 2012
It has been such a nice Easter break! I have thoroughly enjoyed the 3 days off so far, and plan to enjoy today as well. I've missed Padrone because our individual family lives have prevented us from being together as much as we would have liked. But there is plenty of time for us....like the rest of our lives.
I'm in the midst of filling out applications once more, but I am in a better place now than I was the first time around. I have experience and am fully certified now, so that's a great thing. I love being able to provide all the information asked for in the application, rather than saying "eligible for certification" or whatever was as appropriate as possible. Being able to describe my experiences and to feel confident that I have done a lot more in one year than many Special Education teachers do in their entire careers is priceless to me. I am not sure that I could step into a job and remember everything about all the things I have learned to do this year, but unless I am hired in another extremely small school district I expect to have a more specialized job than the "jill of all trades" I have been at this district.
So I have a lot on my mind. But I have also been looking within myself for more ways to express the submission that floods my soul. It will get easier as the end of the school year approaches as well, because the extremely stressful, busy days are mostly behind me. There is one more day of it, possibly. The website that I use to upload the data which I have worked for weeks collecting, crashed on Friday as I was uploading it. (I can either do it from home today or I can wait and do it tomorrow. The Sped Director first said not to do it from home, but the Case Manager said "the website won't be so busy over the weekend" so I am kind of expected to do it this weekend. I don't plan to but if I get bored today I may.)
But once that particular bit of work is completed, I will have a lot less stress on me. I will be expected to work with my students, of course, and finish the objectives for the class I teach for students getting a Modified Diploma, but those things are not nearly as stressful as the past few weeks have been. I'm glad, since now I can begin to refocus on Padrone more fully once more. If we lived together I could have served him when I was home. Talking about our days with each other would have been a part of our evenings, but our interactions would be different, and would have been able to last until I went to bed. But as it is, our time together is limited in both duration and scope, which means that I have to really be creative to try to express my submission between our discussion of our respective days, and more recently the dreaded job search as well.
So one thing I did was to ask to have my ass filled a lot this weekend, and I was told to for a while then the holiday interfered. It's no big deal, since the holiday takes precedence of course. But it's also why I am seriously considering taking the summer off from school, and finishing my Masters next summer. I haven't had time to just give everything to Padrone without some kind of distraction in a long, long time. If I take the classes this summer, I'll have one week off between the end of my work/school until the beginning of summer school...and probably not even a full week off at the end of summer classes before a new work/school year begins in a new school and district. Of course since all I will have, hopefully, *is* two classes, it wouldn't be nearly as demanding as it has been in the past with work that first summer, and daughter's accident last summer. So I am considering it, but I don't really know just what I will do yet of course. We'll see. I haven't yet talked with Padrone about it, so he is just learning of it now too, unless we've had time to talk before he reads this post. I know he wants me to finish but somehow I am not totally sure he would be extremely upset with me for wanting to give him all my attention this summer, for some reason or other. We'll see.
So that's it. Life is having its usual (for me) ups and downs, but other than job hunting (again) it is quite manageable. And I likely wouldn't be thinking of postponing my summer classes until next summer if I didn't have to think of job hunting, frankly. But at this point it is so hard to think of focusing on classes when I am so distracted by the unknown again.
Padrone, I hope you understand why I am thinking this way. I know you'll be able to cut straight to the heart of the situation and help me see things more clearly, to help me focus on the options in a less subjective way. That is one of the things I admire most about you, Padrone - your ability to see the trees *and* the forest (if that makes no sense, I'll explain the old saying later). Thank you for simply being who you are, and for letting me be so completely who I am. I love you for allowing me to have different opinions and ideas regarding so many things without being judgmental or trying to convince me that my opinions and ideas are wrong simply because they are not yours. Respect is probably the thing I value most of all the gifts you give to me, because respect is the foundation for everything else you do. Thank you, my Padrone, for such a wonderful, beautiful, most cherished gift.
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Padrone and I are wonderful, just wanted to get that stated up front. The issues aren't with us, they are with me. And they are not relationship issues.
I have been told that my contract will not be renewed at the school district where I am working. It has nothing to do with my job performance; totally to the contrary actually. The reality is that the numbers of Special Education students in the district dropped enough that the State cut funding for one Sped teacher. I was the last one hired, so the first one let go.
It makes a lot of sense, and of course I would never expect them to keep me and let a teacher with more experience go.
But the effect of it all has been that I feel very vulnerable again, and all the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that were so prevalent in my last job search have unexpectedly risen to the surface, giving me some heightened emotions to deal with, and for Padrone to deal with as well of course. That man is absolutely incredible and he knows me very well. It is almost as if he knew what I would be feeling before it happens.
I am job hunting, and I know of a couple of jobs already. I have a more acceptable license (not alternate license as of July 1, with a couple of endorsements that I didn't have before). I have a year's experience now that I didn't have then. So I am in a better place professionally, which is a very good thing. I know these things in my mind, but of course being forced into another job hunt is...really difficult.
I'm alright. I really am. Padrone has really helped in so many ways and I think he was more prepared because the superintendent had told me of the possibility a week before he lowered the axe. I thought I was too, but...oh well...the reality has been a bit strenuous.
So, we have had a couple of really good relationship discussions, but I am not in the right head space to discuss them. Tomorrow will be a very difficult day, of course, and I'll be all mushy tomorrow night.
Padrone, thank you for your steadiness, your stability, your solidity. I love you, my Padrone, and I am indescribably grateful that I am yours. Forever, totally, irrevocably yours. Thank you. Just thank you.