Tuesday, September 26, 2006

my rules

Something happened today that surprised me. Padrone has always said that this blog is mine and has never yet commented on the content of it, unless i ask Him for a response. But today He gave me a kind of writing assignment, and then said "oh, and you could also post them in your blog". So, at a...um......suggestion from Padrone *wink*.....here is my list of rules as His slave.

These are listed in no particular order.

1. i am not allowed to cum, either rl or online, without His permission.

2. i am to type an email every day, even if it is a line or two, but He loves long ones for some reason.

3. i may not date men without His permission.

4. i may not talk with my mother without His permission.

5. i must ask His permission before buying any new clothing for myself.

6. i may not wear anything green, except when He says i am to for a punishment.

7. When i wake up, i am to wear the cock for at least 15 minutes in my ass, after going to whore position.

8. i am to go to slave position for at least 5 minutes before going to bed.

9. i am to put clothespins on my nipples every time i use the toilet.

10. i may not sit on comfortable chairs, or use my bed, except when i am sleeping, or to talk with Him. He prefers for me to be on the floor, and to be kneeling when talking with Him.

11. i text when i leave home, stating what i am wearing and where i am going, when i get there, when i leave, and when i get home.

12. i am to text every hour (when i am not at work or sleeping), saying what i am doing.

13. i am to text to let Him know every time i am alone.

14. When i am alone, i am to crawl rather than walk, when i go anywhere.

15. i wear the new plug when i am online, the entire time i am online.

16. i am to say that i am His, every time i cum.

17. i am to go to the using place during my lunch break every night i work, wear the cock in my ass for at least 10 minutes, and if weather permits, i am to go to whore position for at least 5 minutes while there.

18. i am going to try to remember to ask Him about purchases before i make them, for things other than groceries or paying bills. This won't be easy, as sometimes i see things on sale that the kids need, and buy them because they are indeed on sale. (This isn't a requirement, but something that He would find pleasing, so i will strive to do it, and the best way for me to do so is to act as if it is a rule).

19. He wants to know as much as possible about my life, and so another of those things i know He would find pleasing but which isn't an official rule is that i text as many details about my day as possible.

And so, unless i have forgotten to type something that i live by, that is my list of rules. Of course, there are restrictions in IRC, and even a ritualistic greeting with rules of its own, but since IRC is ..... well, just IRC and not life, i didn't list them with my rules. Here are those restrictions and the guidelines of my greeting Him on IRC:

i am restricted from use by anyone, other than to give a Dom a bj in channel only, or to serve socially (getting a drink, things like that).

When i see Him in channel, i am to crawl to Him and beg to kiss His feet. i am to stay lowered, face on His feet, until given permission to move, whether to kneel up or to go to some other position, whichever He chooses.

i am to tell Him who PMs me when i am PMed when He is online, or if i PM someone.

On a related note regarding my rules, in rl of course, but more related to those that read this, in IRC as well: some of y'all may not realize that i am my own worst "tattle tale".....and if i do something when He isn't there that i think He might be upset about, i am the first to tell Him about it. Also if i am not able to follow a rule or if i just...don't. Like if i don't email on a particular day, *usually* He wakes up not only to that knowledge, but also from a text from me saying so, saying why (if possible via text), and almost always asking for punishment.

Punishment is almost exclusively reserved for rl things, however. IRC is just.....IRC, a chat server, the channel just a chat room. i do watch what i say most of the time, and He has said something to me once or twice, but....i don't remember that He has ever punished me for my behavior in a chat room on IRC. And yes, i have emailed Him with logs of my behavior there, and worried that i had embarrassed Him, or caused problems between Him and a friend or something, but i have never been punished for anything yet, thank goodness.

i'm thinking the types of rules and the punishment for misbehavior which He has put in place for me, reflect what is, and what has always been, most important. i am His, with all my life, in all my life, not just in an online chat room.

Thank You, Padrone, for the rules, the restrictions. Thank You for presenting them to me in such a way that hasn't overwhelmed me, and thank You for giving me time to adjust to the difficult ones before adding more. And thank You for the gift of yet another rule, more control, that You gave me for my birthday. i do love You.

mi sento totalmente posseduta, devota al mio Padrone.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Not always so rosy

i made a vow to myself that i would not make this blog a place to present a glowing review of our relationship. i promised that i would be honest about the bad times as well as the good times. i promised that i would not make this a place that i have seen so often, where relationships are perfect and nothing bad ever happens, or is glossed over. i refuse to give that kind of impression, even though we have worked so hard and for quite some time, that we have few problems.....but they do happen, even with us.

So here goes.

Long distance relationships have their own challenges that face-to-face ones don't have. One of these is the dependence on technology for communication. Those of you who know us know that we have very good communication, Padrone and i, and usually it isn't a problem. Recently it was, however.

Because of a problem with computer communication, i had a skewed perception of something that happened. Padrone had His own perception of it, of course, which was also skewed because of the problem with the means of communication. So what happened was that i got hurt by something i thought was happening, and when i mentioned it to Him, He of course didn't know that we were seeing things differently, and He got upset with me because of my actions. i don't blame Him one bit. If what He thought had happened, had truly happened, and i reacted the way i did, then His being upset would have been absolutely justified, and i would have understood it.

But remember, i had my own perception of what happened during that particular time. And my perception gave me the idea that He was getting upset for me for nothing, basically overreacting as He thought i was. My feelings were hurt, His were hurt, we were both angry, and it was......dreadful.

i wasn't allowed to talk with Him until He had calmed down enough to be able to talk about it. i understand when He has to do it, but that is something that makes me sick, literally. Believing that i had done something to upset Him to the degree that He was upset, and not really knowing what it was, and Him not communicating with me at all......i'm crying now just remembering it.

i spent quite a bit of time typing an email, deleted almost all of it, and simply sent one of apology and begging Him to please explain what i had done that was so upsetting to Him. He's never been that upset with me, so far. i was so scared that He..... didn't want..... well, didn't want the hassle of a slave who would upset Him that much i guess.....and i was so afraid that He would release me. Old fears, i know. But.....i really didn't understand why He was so angry. Just as He didn't understand why i could act the way He thought i did. It was a terrible time.

We finally were able to talk, He finally allowed it. i say 'finally' from my perspective of course, as it might have really been too soon from His perspective. The discussion was stilted.......full of......silent defensiveness .......but we were talking. That, was such a vast improvement, that i wasn't even thinking of complaining. i knew, i know, that the only way problems can be solved is through communication. i also know that there are two sides to every story.

The situation actually came to a screeching halt when we realized, during that discussion, that it was a technological problem, and not either of us that had done anything wrong. We each had reacted appropriately to what we believed was happening.

It was so good to realize. i hadn't acted the way He assumed, nor did He the way i assumed. Oh y'all, it was such a relief, but......almost unbelievable that all the upset was caused by a technological problem.

The problem for me, is that there are now so many emotions that are hanging on. i've *never* seen Padrone that upset. i've never felt that i deserved that kind of anger from Him. The kind of person i am means that, even when it is a "nobody's fault" kind of situation, i still feel responsible and guilty. i feel as if there is......unfinished business i guess, for lack of vocabulary to describe it in a different way.

i find myself still feeling very vulnerable and very.......fragile, emotionally. And it's so stupid. i know it is. i find myself wondering things, like i used to do. My confidence is so shaken. i am needy, feeling so insecure. i hate it. And i am really trying hard to change it. i do hope it is temporary. It has to be, doesn't it? One situation can't make me truly regress, can it?

i hope, and i really have to believe, that as soon as my emotions settle, the "old, new" slave that i have learned that i truly am, will make her presence known again. And i do believe it. It is just a difficult time right now....i am second-guessing myself and Him with every statement made. i am over analyzing even more than usual (yes, it *can* happen!), and i am really trying hard to keep myself in check about that and not let all the "wondering" control my emotions. i am trying to ....... well not to control that, because i really don't think i can.....more that i am trying to work *with* that tendency, let it happen, but keep my mind firmly set on what i know is true. If i can do that.......what a milestone that will be.

Padrone, i am trying. Please be patient, as You almost always are. And i know that You understand quite well my need for reassurance, even if i don't express that need nearly as deeply as i feel it.

i have to say it yet again, i am so sorry, my Master. Thank You for allowing us to talk it out so quickly after it happened. i do realize how fortunate i was that You......put Yourself aside to a degree......and allowed it. Thank You. i love You.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

effects of ownership

i want to precede this post by saying that the things revealed here have been learned through much difficult growth and over quite a long time. These aren't things that can be known from the beginning of a relationship, by any means. And i hope i have many, many more things to learn about Padrone, and how better to serve Him.

i have commented often about how Padrone has changed me, how being His slave has changed my life. But i know i haven't ever explained to any degree of fullness how this happened.

Looking back i can see things in our relationship, things that happened, or choices that were made, that were kind of like milestones. From the vantage point of hindsight, it makes Him seem almost omniscient in His wisdom of how to be my Master, but i am realistic enough to realize that He was merely making choices and doing the best He could under the circumstances. There were times when things didn't work so well, but since i am the type of person that i am, i tend to "forget" those things.

Want some examples? Well to do that, i have to give just a bit of history. i strive to do so as unemotionally as is possible for a very emotional slave.

The first time i was stunned by the depth of His feelings and commitment to me was the day He collared me. i guess i should have felt that way before then, maybe the day i asked three times for Him to extend His control into my life outside irc, but i guess i still thought i would be the "hidden one"....yes, i realize that shows disrespect for my Master, and the person He is, thinking He would keep a "secret slave" when He already owned a collared slave. i am ashamed for it, but i didn't know Him well then, and to be honest, my experiences in irc were that without fail, any Dom who would scene with me while owning a slave, wanted that very thing. So experience had me a bit jaded and i didn't really look beyond that into "Him" - i fully admit it.

But looking back from the vantage point of knowing Him as well as i do now, i realize what a dramatic commitment that was for Him, and not something He did without a lot of thought beforehand. It wasn't spontaneous or impulsive. When i think of that conversation, i remember each of us dancing around the issue, getting closer and closer to the flame until it burned into my very soul...the need to beg for more of His control, effectively creating a D/s relationship, rather than online play.

When He collared me, i guess i still fully expected to be the "secret slave", so when He told me what to change my name to, i really was stunned. i knew that by wearing that name publicly, it could cause problems for Him in His other relationship. So guess what? That was the biggest defining moment, even though it took a while for me to realize it. Even now i have a difficult time thinking about it for various reasons, but the knowledge that His commitment to me was deep even then, warms my heart.

i think of the times i have acted badly, and His responses to them. i think, specifically, of a time when my rashly worded email during a very difficult time for Him, caused Him to restrict me from IRC. It makes me sick, literally, to think of the extra pressure my actions put on Him. And i realize now, too, that keeping me out of IRC was also probably a way of ...... well, of reducing His own stress.

There were the times when, during the aftermath of Katrina, He would take my phone calls, no matter when they came, because He understood that my ability to contact Him was limited to the times i could get to town and hope that a public phone was available and working. He would do this even if it was during a time when i would otherwise have been restricted from contacting Him, but when one is reduced to finding means for survival - food, water - then one's priorities change in a hurry. He realized that, and understood more than i probably realize.

His immeasurable patience with me, i can't even begin to relate. The times when He has "paid" for things others have done to me in the past - my reaction to Him has been a defense mechanism created by painful things others have done - those times are far too numerous to tell. And yet He never gave up on me. He may have gotten frustrated now and then, because He understands in part and that can cause frustration, but He has always waited for me to learn and grow and become the person i am. i used to say, and believe, that i was becoming who He wanted me to be. But even He would admit that He didn't wish to change me, merely to encourage me to peel the protective layers off, and allow the real me to be revealed, and in that, to become the slave i am. Since i am the slave i am, and He is the Master He is, i am becoming the person He wants me to be, but that is because i am the person He wants me to be. i am merely learning that it is safe to be her.

Being collared, learning to belong to a Man who owned another, dealing with the guilt of causing her pain, dealing with my own pain, learning about true slavery and what true submission is, opening myself fully and completely, learning to be the only slave after months of adjusting to sharing Him, dealing with issues where i live that have affected our relationship, striving and searching for so many more ways to be pleasing to Him, being "silly" and feeling stupid when those spells are over.....the unbelievable, indescribable, yet absolute total joy....all of these things, and the ways He has dealt with them - sometimes with strictness, sometimes with humor, sometimes with deep emotions, and always, always with tremendous self control and tremendous control of His slave - His reactions to all of these things have been bricks in the "building" of our relationship. And some say it can't be done.

The understanding, the joys, the patience through difficult times, the discipline, the need to be cruel and demanding, the control of the pain i cause Him so that He doesn't lash out, the ways He states His thoughts and lets me digest and come to my own conclusions, the absolute control He exerts even though He is quite easygoing in so many things......all of these things are reasons why i can say without a doubt in my mind, that i truly *was* born to serve this Man.

Words can't convey it, Padrone. You are right when You say that i may be trying to express things that just....can't be expressed fully. But You know, and i know, what i am saying....and what i can't say, even if i tried. i truly *have* been Yours for quite some time...and it brings me to my knees, literally, every time i realize it anew. i was Yours when You collared me, even though i ... selfishly needed proof of it, and You, so unselfishly, provided it over and over again. Thank You. Oh Padrone, thank You.

i love You, Owner of my soul.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Reality vs. feelings

Trust in truth, not in feelings. What a concept, and one that Padrone has tried since the very beginning of our relationship to instill in me. So why is that the thing that i have had the most trouble making part of my psyche?

Who knows, and it doesn't really matter actually. What matters, and what is more important than any of that, is how i act even when i am not trusting things i know to be true.

Even here, in this blog, when i have been going through my "silly" spells, i have tried hard to give a picture of what it is like to be slave to a Master who lives so far away. It isn't always easy. It isn't easy being a slave. It isn't easy not being able to see and touch and use body language to communicate. But guess what. i knew that the first time i found out He was in Italy.

Oh, the things He is teaching me. Trusting in what is, rather than how i "feel" things are goes far more deep than i ever imagined. i fail in this so often, and yes i do upset Him sometimes with my actions. There are times when i disagree with His choices....and sometimes His choices hurt....and when i react to those feelings of hurt, rather than really considering His actions more objectively, it causes problems. But only temporarily, i finally do see.

For instance, recently i was punished because i didn't do something i was required to do, and.....well, the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to His usual punishments, and it was designed to be humiliating in a way He knows i find humiliating......but there was one thing that triggered a very negative response in me, very emotional and deep. That isn't a problem, things like that will happen as "triggers" are a part of life, and inevitable when two are getting to know one another.

But i didn't have to call Him while i was still upset. i should not have done that, nor should i have confronted Him with the ways i think He was wrong, or what i felt was unfair or painful about what He's done. An apology is good, and i apologized 1000 times, give or take a few, for doing so. But that wasn't enough for me, and so i asked, after we had both calmed down enough to talk about what happened, to be.....not punished, but....tasked i guess, and allowed to express my submission in a way that would please Him...by His command....not something i freely gave, but....something strictly for Him. He gave me a task, and i did it yesterday, and i am about to do so today, to complete the requirement.

But, as is usual, He went above and beyond - my wonderful Padrone. This morning, on the phone, He used me. He used me in a way that if i tried to describe, i could never get across fully. He took me beyond anything i have ever experienced, beyond anything i could have ever dreamed. i am still a bit unfocused, and it has been hours.

He gave me the reassurance i so deeply needed, that all is well, even after my emotional outburst yesterday, and that He learned something about me the "hard way". i mean, that even though it was a difficult thing to experience, He did learn something about me through it, something which i am grateful to know that He will consider strongly in future actions. i wanted the words, of course. He gave it in His own, quite effective, way.

And He did let me know, once again, how commited He is to me. Yes, now and then i forget, when i get all wrapped up in my feelings - the negative ones i mean. Is it any wonder i am so very grateful to be owned by this Man?

i am incredibly lucky, as i have stated before. i can't ever begin to thank You enough, Padrone. i would thank You from the bottom of my heart....if my heart was still my own....

Friday, September 08, 2006


Beautifully broken, but yet not broken....indeed more complete, more strong, now than ever before. Just as one "breaks" a young horse to ride - done correctly, the relationship between horse and owner is stronger than ever after the horse learns to trust and obey, to channel its energy into pleasing its rider, because of the care and tender affections the rider has for the horse.

i am melted, reshaped into the person He wishes for me to be, changing at His will, willingly, eagerly. Now whore, cumming like a madwoman, begging for more, begging to stop. Now painslut, ass burning, thighs bruised, nipples clamped, sobbing and begging futilely, yet doing so anyway. Now pure submissive, controlled by His words of ownership and control, revealing His favor, His deep thoughts and emotions. Now woman in my world, separate yet inseparably joined to Him, no matter what i do where i live. Now in IRC, seeing His nick flash online making me smile the smile of submission, waiting to find out how He will reshape me today, or if He will. i melt and become more pliable, emotionally, just from seeing Him online.

What kind of chance meeting led to this? How did the two of us, so right for each other, ever even meet in the first place? Random accident of the universe? What led me into the chat room where my ass was pinched that day? What caused us to notice one another before then, for Him to deem me worthy of pinches? What was it that fueled the attraction, inexplicable because of circumstances - an attraction that neither of us really wanted to grow, in some ways, because we each knew it would cause someone to be hurt eventually. How could we *not* act on it? It was, and is even more now, a force strong and pure, first the submission and control reacting deeply to one another, drawing us to each other like moth to flame.

The commitment i never saw then, i look back and stand amazed at now. His patience, His steadfast vision, even if He wasn't sure in the short term, of where He wants our relationship to go, His slow but steady guidance into the depths of control and submission, all of these things and more are things that have truly come into focus for me lately.

i am basking, letting thoughts settle after another epiphany, another life-changing realization.

Padrone, somehow You saw me, a face in a crowd, and You ....... have created a slave.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Our long distance relationship

Sometimes when i start to type and i see nothing but a blank screen, i wonder what in the world i should say. i have tons of thoughts running through my mind, yet when i sit in front of the computer, they all seem to disappear. Is that a form of writer's block, even though i am no writer?

Not that it matters, that was nothing more than a ploy to get my fingers moving. Typically when i begin typing i have few problems continuing. Maybe part of the reason i have had problems typing here lately is because some of the things i have been thinking have been pretty personal and deep, intimate things that i don't really want to make public. So i have had to kind of think about other things to type, and it isn't always easy for me to do - when my mind gets set on one thing, usually it's pretty well fixed.

So i started thinking about why i started this blog in the first place. It began as a place for discussion of the realities of a slave in a long distance relationship. i guess it still is, although to be honest, there are times i forget just "how" long distance we are, because it doesn't feel that we are distant in many ways. There are times when i know He would love to feel my lips around His cock, and there are times when i wish i could truly relax and Him inflict the pain. But other than that, there is a very deep level of control in my rl, and a deep level of submission in His rl. And isn't control and submission what this is all about anyway?

i am sure there could be other forms of control if we lived together. i am not sure the depth of the control or submission would be any different, maybe the way it is expressed might make it *feel* deeper, though. i do realize that face-to-face relationships have options that aren't available to us as we are. But i think that we have chosen to make what we have something incredible. i think we are succeeding in that venture, and i think we both treasure what we have highly. What makes it work, though? What makes it so.... fulfilling...when we can't even touch each other? How can it possibly even compare with skin-to-skin contact? And can it be truly successful, or are we "copping out" of what is called rl relationships?

i think y'all know my answers to some of the questions, but i am not sure i have really ever explained why i feel the way i feel about our LDR and its success. It is quite successful, actually, and i think that is obvious to everyone who knows us and sees us together in IRC.

i guess because i am in one, i believe that there are a lot of things that have to happen for a long distance relationship to be successful that don't have to happen with a face-to-face one. i am sure there are things that are more difficult for a face-to-face relationship, but i know from experience there are times when just trusting words, without seeing facial expressions or body language, and sometimes not even hearing tone of voice, is seemingly impossible. That doesn't have to happen in a face-to-face relationship, obviously. There is also the element of "i'll wait until He gets home and talk with Him then" if something comes up. Here, there isn't that option, the only time problems can be dealt with is when they happen, because there is no "when He comes home" or whatever.

And i know that there are a lot of LDRs that aren't the same as ours. The commitment, which i believe started out more as an IRC thing with a bit of rl thrown in on the side, has grown into a very deep M/s commitment on both sides. But when we first began, i have no doubts that neither of us expected it to grow into what it is. What it is, is a face-to-face relationship, without us being face to face. What i mean - we have as "real" a relationship in so many ways, as those who live in the same house with one another.

Now, i will also say that i do NOT believe that a LDR is right for everyone. i don't believe everyone can do it, can 'handle' not seeing their partner face to face, at least now and then. i think it has taken, for us, a lot more work to learn to trust and relax the guard, than it does for those who are "rl". On the other hand, though, i also don't see a LDR as a 'cop out' for those who 'can't handle' a face-to-face relationship, nor are those who have an LDR necessarily 'fakes' or 'wannabes' simply because they don't live with their partner.

This kind of relationship takes a lot of energy, mental and emotional, that isn't always necessary when one is living with their partner. It takes a focus on keeping the roles absolutely clear, the behaviors absolutely in line....i'm not saying it wouldn't be necessary otherwise, but.....i think it is easier when the communication is online and on phone and limited in nature and scope, to kind of 'forget' the roles when the computer is turned off or the phone is hung up, unless the two people involved choose to behave otherwise.

And in our case, there are different cultural backgrounds, even moreso than many, because He is Italian and i am American. There are language differences, not that it is usually a problem, but it was a bit in the beginning. He has very definite ideas of the roles of Master and slave, and behaviors expected of each. i have always tended to react to the one who currently owned me, without considering any "larger picture" of how a slave should behave. There was, in the beginning, the fact that He owned two slaves, and all the effects of that on our relationship. There was the release of the other slave, and the effects of "that" on our relationship. There has been a need to overcome things in my own past, a need for Him to accept that those things are real and not excuses. There has been much 'silliness' on my part on the path to trusting completely. There have been mistakes on His part, not many, but still some. But the bottom line is this: What we have with one another is so deeply fulfilling, that we have chosen to do whatever it takes to keep it, to preserve it, to feed and nurture it, and to let it grow and deepen into the fullest and most beautiful relationship it can be.

Maybe i feel a need to justify why this blog exists, why i feel that i can type things and expect that some, at least, will take me seriously. i know Padrone would scoff at such an idea, but after reading some things on a couple of sites lately that have blasted LDRs as being not "real" or as being "less" than face-to-face relationships, i guess i am a little bit defensive. Whatever the reason, this is what needed to be typed at this moment i guess.

Padrone, i want to publicly and openly state something that i know is obvious to You. i am Yours. i am as enslaved as i would be if i were at Your feet at this moment, kneeling quietly, my collar around my neck. This is why i have begged a time or two for total restriction, because i am so deeply Yours. This is why there is no attraction for me in scening with others. This is why i honor Your wishes so readily. This is why i am always so ready for Your use. i am Yours.

Grazie, Padrone, for the privilege of wearing Your collar. Grazie, for seeing in me what i don't in myself, but which i am actually learning to see. Grazie, for being my Padrone.....the one i was born to serve.....the one born to own me.