i want to precede this post by saying that the things revealed here have been learned through much difficult growth and over quite a long time. These aren't things that can be known from the beginning of a relationship, by any means. And i hope i have many, many more things to learn about Padrone, and how better to serve Him.
i have commented often about how Padrone has changed me, how being His slave has changed my life. But i know i haven't ever explained to any degree of fullness how this happened.
Looking back i can see things in our relationship, things that happened, or choices that were made, that were kind of like milestones. From the vantage point of hindsight, it makes Him seem almost omniscient in His wisdom of how to be my Master, but i am realistic enough to realize that He was merely making choices and doing the best He could under the circumstances. There were times when things didn't work so well, but since i am the type of person that i am, i tend to "forget" those things.
Want some examples? Well to do that, i have to give just a bit of history. i strive to do so as unemotionally as is possible for a very emotional slave.
The first time i was stunned by the depth of His feelings and commitment to me was the day He collared me. i guess i should have felt that way before then, maybe the day i asked three times for Him to extend His control into my life outside irc, but i guess i still thought i would be the "hidden one"....yes, i realize that shows disrespect for my Master, and the person He is, thinking He would keep a "secret slave" when He already owned a collared slave. i am ashamed for it, but i didn't know Him well then, and to be honest, my experiences in irc were that without fail, any Dom who would scene with me while owning a slave, wanted that very thing. So experience had me a bit jaded and i didn't really look beyond that into "Him" - i fully admit it.
But looking back from the vantage point of knowing Him as well as i do now, i realize what a dramatic commitment that was for Him, and not something He did without a lot of thought beforehand. It wasn't spontaneous or impulsive. When i think of that conversation, i remember each of us dancing around the issue, getting closer and closer to the flame until it burned into my very soul...the need to beg for more of His control, effectively creating a D/s relationship, rather than online play.
When He collared me, i guess i still fully expected to be the "secret slave", so when He told me what to change my name to, i really was stunned. i knew that by wearing that name publicly, it could cause problems for Him in His other relationship. So guess what? That was the biggest defining moment, even though it took a while for me to realize it. Even now i have a difficult time thinking about it for various reasons, but the knowledge that His commitment to me was deep even then, warms my heart.
i think of the times i have acted badly, and His responses to them. i think, specifically, of a time when my rashly worded email during a very difficult time for Him, caused Him to restrict me from IRC. It makes me sick, literally, to think of the extra pressure my actions put on Him. And i realize now, too, that keeping me out of IRC was also probably a way of ...... well, of reducing His own stress.
There were the times when, during the aftermath of Katrina, He would take my phone calls, no matter when they came, because He understood that my ability to contact Him was limited to the times i could get to town and hope that a public phone was available and working. He would do this even if it was during a time when i would otherwise have been restricted from contacting Him, but when one is reduced to finding means for survival - food, water - then one's priorities change in a hurry. He realized that, and understood more than i probably realize.
His immeasurable patience with me, i can't even begin to relate. The times when He has "paid" for things others have done to me in the past - my reaction to Him has been a defense mechanism created by painful things others have done - those times are far too numerous to tell. And yet He never gave up on me. He may have gotten frustrated now and then, because He understands in part and that can cause frustration, but He has always waited for me to learn and grow and become the person i am. i used to say, and believe, that i was becoming who He wanted me to be. But even He would admit that He didn't wish to change me, merely to encourage me to peel the protective layers off, and allow the real me to be revealed, and in that, to become the slave i am. Since i am the slave i am, and He is the Master He is, i am becoming the person He wants me to be, but that is because i am the person He wants me to be. i am merely learning that it is safe to be her.
Being collared, learning to belong to a Man who owned another, dealing with the guilt of causing her pain, dealing with my own pain, learning about true slavery and what true submission is, opening myself fully and completely, learning to be the only slave after months of adjusting to sharing Him, dealing with issues where i live that have affected our relationship, striving and searching for so many more ways to be pleasing to Him, being "silly" and feeling stupid when those spells are over.....the unbelievable, indescribable, yet absolute total joy....all of these things, and the ways He has dealt with them - sometimes with strictness, sometimes with humor, sometimes with deep emotions, and always, always with tremendous self control and tremendous control of His slave - His reactions to all of these things have been bricks in the "building" of our relationship. And some say it can't be done.
The understanding, the joys, the patience through difficult times, the discipline, the need to be cruel and demanding, the control of the pain i cause Him so that He doesn't lash out, the ways He states His thoughts and lets me digest and come to my own conclusions, the absolute control He exerts even though He is quite easygoing in so many things......all of these things are reasons why i can say without a doubt in my mind, that i truly *was* born to serve this Man.
Words can't convey it, Padrone. You are right when You say that i may be trying to express things that just....can't be expressed fully. But You know, and i know, what i am saying....and what i can't say, even if i tried. i truly *have* been Yours for quite some time...and it brings me to my knees, literally, every time i realize it anew. i was Yours when You collared me, even though i ... selfishly needed proof of it, and You, so unselfishly, provided it over and over again. Thank You. Oh Padrone, thank You.
i love You, Owner of my soul.
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