Trust in truth, not in feelings. What a concept, and one that Padrone has tried since the very beginning of our relationship to instill in me. So why is that the thing that i have had the most trouble making part of my psyche?
Who knows, and it doesn't really matter actually. What matters, and what is more important than any of that, is how i act even when i am not trusting things i know to be true.
Even here, in this blog, when i have been going through my "silly" spells, i have tried hard to give a picture of what it is like to be slave to a Master who lives so far away. It isn't always easy. It isn't easy being a slave. It isn't easy not being able to see and touch and use body language to communicate. But guess what. i knew that the first time i found out He was in Italy.
Oh, the things He is teaching me. Trusting in what is, rather than how i "feel" things are goes far more deep than i ever imagined. i fail in this so often, and yes i do upset Him sometimes with my actions. There are times when i disagree with His choices....and sometimes His choices hurt....and when i react to those feelings of hurt, rather than really considering His actions more objectively, it causes problems. But only temporarily, i finally do see.
For instance, recently i was punished because i didn't do something i was required to do, and.....well, the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to His usual punishments, and it was designed to be humiliating in a way He knows i find humiliating......but there was one thing that triggered a very negative response in me, very emotional and deep. That isn't a problem, things like that will happen as "triggers" are a part of life, and inevitable when two are getting to know one another.
But i didn't have to call Him while i was still upset. i should not have done that, nor should i have confronted Him with the ways i think He was wrong, or what i felt was unfair or painful about what He's done. An apology is good, and i apologized 1000 times, give or take a few, for doing so. But that wasn't enough for me, and so i asked, after we had both calmed down enough to talk about what happened, to be.....not punished, but....tasked i guess, and allowed to express my submission in a way that would please Him...by His command....not something i freely gave, but....something strictly for Him. He gave me a task, and i did it yesterday, and i am about to do so today, to complete the requirement.
But, as is usual, He went above and beyond - my wonderful Padrone. This morning, on the phone, He used me. He used me in a way that if i tried to describe, i could never get across fully. He took me beyond anything i have ever experienced, beyond anything i could have ever dreamed. i am still a bit unfocused, and it has been hours.
He gave me the reassurance i so deeply needed, that all is well, even after my emotional outburst yesterday, and that He learned something about me the "hard way". i mean, that even though it was a difficult thing to experience, He did learn something about me through it, something which i am grateful to know that He will consider strongly in future actions. i wanted the words, of course. He gave it in His own, quite effective, way.
And He did let me know, once again, how commited He is to me. Yes, now and then i forget, when i get all wrapped up in my feelings - the negative ones i mean. Is it any wonder i am so very grateful to be owned by this Man?
i am incredibly lucky, as i have stated before. i can't ever begin to thank You enough, Padrone. i would thank You from the bottom of my heart....if my heart was still my own....
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