i made a vow to myself that i would not make this blog a place to present a glowing review of our relationship. i promised that i would be honest about the bad times as well as the good times. i promised that i would not make this a place that i have seen so often, where relationships are perfect and nothing bad ever happens, or is glossed over. i refuse to give that kind of impression, even though we have worked so hard and for quite some time, that we have few problems.....but they do happen, even with us.
So here goes.
Long distance relationships have their own challenges that face-to-face ones don't have. One of these is the dependence on technology for communication. Those of you who know us know that we have very good communication, Padrone and i, and usually it isn't a problem. Recently it was, however.
Because of a problem with computer communication, i had a skewed perception of something that happened. Padrone had His own perception of it, of course, which was also skewed because of the problem with the means of communication. So what happened was that i got hurt by something i thought was happening, and when i mentioned it to Him, He of course didn't know that we were seeing things differently, and He got upset with me because of my actions. i don't blame Him one bit. If what He thought had happened, had truly happened, and i reacted the way i did, then His being upset would have been absolutely justified, and i would have understood it.
But remember, i had my own perception of what happened during that particular time. And my perception gave me the idea that He was getting upset for me for nothing, basically overreacting as He thought i was. My feelings were hurt, His were hurt, we were both angry, and it was......dreadful.
i wasn't allowed to talk with Him until He had calmed down enough to be able to talk about it. i understand when He has to do it, but that is something that makes me sick, literally. Believing that i had done something to upset Him to the degree that He was upset, and not really knowing what it was, and Him not communicating with me at all......i'm crying now just remembering it.
i spent quite a bit of time typing an email, deleted almost all of it, and simply sent one of apology and begging Him to please explain what i had done that was so upsetting to Him. He's never been that upset with me, so far. i was so scared that He..... didn't want..... well, didn't want the hassle of a slave who would upset Him that much i guess.....and i was so afraid that He would release me. Old fears, i know. But.....i really didn't understand why He was so angry. Just as He didn't understand why i could act the way He thought i did. It was a terrible time.
We finally were able to talk, He finally allowed it. i say 'finally' from my perspective of course, as it might have really been too soon from His perspective. The discussion was stilted.......full of......silent defensiveness .......but we were talking. That, was such a vast improvement, that i wasn't even thinking of complaining. i knew, i know, that the only way problems can be solved is through communication. i also know that there are two sides to every story.
The situation actually came to a screeching halt when we realized, during that discussion, that it was a technological problem, and not either of us that had done anything wrong. We each had reacted appropriately to what we believed was happening.
It was so good to realize. i hadn't acted the way He assumed, nor did He the way i assumed. Oh y'all, it was such a relief, but......almost unbelievable that all the upset was caused by a technological problem.
The problem for me, is that there are now so many emotions that are hanging on. i've *never* seen Padrone that upset. i've never felt that i deserved that kind of anger from Him. The kind of person i am means that, even when it is a "nobody's fault" kind of situation, i still feel responsible and guilty. i feel as if there is......unfinished business i guess, for lack of vocabulary to describe it in a different way.
i find myself still feeling very vulnerable and very.......fragile, emotionally. And it's so stupid. i know it is. i find myself wondering things, like i used to do. My confidence is so shaken. i am needy, feeling so insecure. i hate it. And i am really trying hard to change it. i do hope it is temporary. It has to be, doesn't it? One situation can't make me truly regress, can it?
i hope, and i really have to believe, that as soon as my emotions settle, the "old, new" slave that i have learned that i truly am, will make her presence known again. And i do believe it. It is just a difficult time right now....i am second-guessing myself and Him with every statement made. i am over analyzing even more than usual (yes, it *can* happen!), and i am really trying hard to keep myself in check about that and not let all the "wondering" control my emotions. i am trying to ....... well not to control that, because i really don't think i can.....more that i am trying to work *with* that tendency, let it happen, but keep my mind firmly set on what i know is true. If i can do that.......what a milestone that will be.
Padrone, i am trying. Please be patient, as You almost always are. And i know that You understand quite well my need for reassurance, even if i don't express that need nearly as deeply as i feel it.
i have to say it yet again, i am so sorry, my Master. Thank You for allowing us to talk it out so quickly after it happened. i do realize how fortunate i was that You......put Yourself aside to a degree......and allowed it. Thank You. i love You.
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