Thursday, October 30, 2008

Humiliation and its effects

First i want to preface by saying that i am only speaking from personal experience and stating my own opinions and thoughts. This is not meant, in any way, to be an objective kind of essay - if that is what you are interested in, then google is your friend. :)

Recently, we have delved into some deeper humiliation than ever before. Humiliation is something i have often craved, needed, never ever enjoyed, but it is also a true emotional time bomb for me if not done in a way that will "defuse" the bomb.

The way the scene that sent me "over the edge" went was - during a scene where i served Padrone in a way He really enjoys, which entails my imagination coming into play to a huge degree, He made the statement "show me how much humiliation you can take" - or words to that effect anyway. That created a deep......i am not sure how to explain it, but i knew i had no choice from that moment on but to be as deeply humiliated as possible, to show Him that i am willing and ready to "go there" with Him, if for no other reason, although i am sure there were other reasons. The why doesn't matter in this instance, what matters is that there were things that i did voluntarily, that i still in a way can't believe i did. i offered such deep humiliation, things that *i* find deeply humiliating, things that i have always balked at doing or experiencing before. Yet i freely gave them.

i demeaned myself for my Master. i became His fuckpig, i gave Him every shred of pride in self, of self respect, of self esteem. i sank to the point that i could barely stand what i was doing, yet i knew i had no choice, i was completely driven to give more, more deeply, than i ever had before.

And it was very intense, very pleasing to Padrone, i made Him quite proud of me, and very happy with His slave. :) That made me feel so good, and i hung onto His words and that thought for as long as i could.

The problem is that in the next couple of days, some very inconsequential things happened that were negative, and would otherwise have had little effect on my psyche, but since i was still quite vulnerable and exposed, all the really bad stuff so close to the surface, that negative things had a more far reaching impact than they should have, and would have had i not been so exposed.

But the fact remains that i was quite vulnerable after that intense and deeply humiliating scene. And it really isn't much of a surprise that i experienced sub drop afterwards, especially when coupled with the negative things that happened for a couple of days afterwards. i really hate sub drop. It makes me feel like a really bad submissive, as if i am not grateful for the intensity of our scenes, our relationship. It's difficult enough as it is, and then add the feelings of doubt on top of it, and it's a dreadful situation.

Sub drop, for me, isn't something i can control, and in my experience seems to be directly related to the intensity, the "deepness" of the scene or scenes that cause it. This time, as i have said, the scene was QUITE intense, and so sub drop should not have surprised me as much as it did.

i was tumbling into a real depression but i just wouldn't let myself go there. i am not typically a depressed person although i admit to feeling down now and then for no reason. i have been medically depressed before though, and ended up on medication at one point, but i was fortunate and able to gradually get off of it.

i kept thinking i needed something, but i couldn't ask for it because i didn't know what it was. i reached the point that i was pulling away from Padrone emotionally, because i was afraid He would want to use me again and i just literally had no more to give. i couldn't communicate that because it would really have made me sound like a very ungrateful and selfish slave. i was probably communicating those things, those feelings, without meaning to. Part of that was the sub drop i had not yet realized was a factor. Part of it was not feeling "worthy" of asking for something for myself - a real red flag that should have alerted me that i was still in the throes of being the "humiliated me". Ah, what can i say? i'm slow sometimes.

But it finally dawned on me that after giving so much of myself, self preservation requires that i have a time of selfishness.

It took a phone call to a friend, and really talking through with another submissive to determine what would help me cope more easily with the after effects of deep humiliation. First, i should say that i truly hope to go there again. In terms of my submission, i have never ever felt so deeply surrendered, my entire being given literally for His pleasure. It was amazing, and i know that He has other places to take me.

But i now know that, if He chooses to use me in a way that is degrading or humiliating, that in my very deeply hidden places, there is a part of me that believes that how He treats me as during that kind of scene, is how i deserve to be treated. It seems as if no matter how hard i try, or how much i do overcome that, that i can't totally move beyond the little girl who never feels good enough to be loved, and so settles for being abused.

So what i have learned is that after being taken to a place that i feel my "feelings of worthlessness" validated so strongly, i need to be reassured that i am not seen that way, i am not the person i see myself as being. i need to know that Padrone sees the worst of me, and humiliation brings that to the forefront as nothing else can, and yet doesn't believe that the bad person that comes out when i am humiliated, isn't the real me. i need to be reassured that the person He sees is the person i am now.

Boy, that one really felt like a breakthrough kind of statement. There is a part of me that *is* the "humiliated me", but that part has shrunk into a small hidden place inside me. It shows up now and then of course, and affects my behavior, but for the most part is a non-factor in my life. After that part is deliberately exposed, and i become that "old me" again through a humiliating scene, i really do have to be reassured that ... the old me will disappear for a while, and that those old thoughts and patterns of behavior no longer have the hold, the control, over me that they once did. i really need to know that i am not "her" anymore, that the person i am becoming is the one that is real after all. Padrone, You see me as the woman with positive traits, rather than the girl who hides her insecurities behind being a whore (or a fuckpig, or whatever You choose for me to be), don't You Padrone?

i have no idea if that even makes a lick of sense. Please forgive me if it doesn't.

i guess, after typing all of this, the bottom line is that humiliation makes me feel worthless, ugly, repulsive. It makes me wonder what You would want with me. It brings old thought patterns to the surface. i'm rather proud of myself for finding a way to overcome them, but it could have been easier had i been better prepared, and had i been able to communicate what would have helped me.

So, Padrone, humiliation is something i am ready to try again, i mean the deep humiliation like a few days ago. But i know that, somehow, i have to feel special to You again afterwards, maybe even for a few days, just to recover from the ugly place it can send me. i have always needed for You to know about my "ugly" parts, and to accept that they exist and accept them readily. But i know You don't see me the way i see myself - or i know it most of the time anyway. Apparently i have problems remembering it after that kind of scene.

Padrone, if You would like to know what enabled me to come out of that place this time, i will tell You that it was remembering Your endearments, Your voice ...remembering, reinforcing, and mourning that it took me so long to get there. i wish i had been able to ask for reassurance, or whatever i could have done to have been able to hear Your voice saying them, or read the words. That would have made my recovery a bit easier, and it would have shortened it as well, or so i believe.

And yes, that statement is what i am most worried about typing, for reasons You well know.

Padrone, please forgive me for not being able to give You the tools You needed to help Your slave in this deeper journey. i don't take for granted that You will know instinctively what i need, but sometimes it is so difficult to express things for myself, when i am, even during "bad" times, so focused on pleasing You.

i love You, Padrone, and i am grateful that You do have an inordinate amount of patience with me. i am grateful that You allow me to express myself freely, within only the constraints of respectful language. Thank You for needing so much of me, and taking what You need, and for so deeply appreciating what is freely given as well. Padrone, i am Yours, forever. Thank You.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Hardest post ever written

Well, under direct orders from Padrone, here are 10 positive things about me (surprised that i could come up with 2, much less 10)! Btw, i am grateful that even the small things count!

1. i am intelligent, even if not intellectual. (Sorry, Padrone, that one i *had* to qualify with an "exception")

2. i am thoughtful. i try to treat others as i would like to be treated, and i try to do as my granny always taught me (even though i am not always successful), and keep my mouth shut if i have nothing nice to say about someone. i try to do or say things that will make those around me feel better about themselves, or gain insight into problems they are having. i even try to give gifts that will mean something special to the recipients.

i try to anticipate needs and desires when i can, and i try to do things in advance to smooth others' paths, and yes, i have done so to my own detriment in the past. i wonder if i am trying to talk myself out of this being a positive....*blush*

3. i have manners, and try to behave tactfully most of the time. i do this in every area of my life, especially since Padrone showed me how important one's behavior is, no matter how one feels.

4. i am fairly intuitive. i'm not exactly sure if that can be quantified or defined. All i know is that i learn what makes people tick fairly quickly into a relationship, although i also love and appreciate pleasant surprises in people.

5. According to my daughter i am a good cook. This is based on one traditionally southern recipe that i have cooked yearly for Thanksgiving since i was a kid, sweet potato casserole. Oh, and i make good spaghetti too.

Halfway there. Darnit i hate this. :(

6. i am as generous as i can afford to be. Maybe that falls under being thoughtful, i don't know, but i need them to be separate, so i separated them. :)

7. My daughter also says that i know when to be silly and when to be serious. i assume she means in my mothering abilities, but i would venture to say that i kind of know that in most situations.

8. i am strong. This one has really been hard for me to accept about myself, mainly because accepting one's strength of character means accepting the responsibility to behave with strength of character. For instance, if one admits that she can handle adversity when she has to, then she'll more than likely have to. Not because she will have more adversity, but because others around her will expect her to "rise to the occasion" every time it does come. That's a heavy burden for a submissive woman to bear, actually, and so i have never wanted to admit it. Of course i never realized why, it was more instinct than anything else, but since i have thought about what i have gone through in my life, and where i have come from, and who i am now, i realize that i *am* a strong person, and i actually smile when i type that!

9. While i am a bit shy and awkward in social settings, i really do have a personality that means that i try to make others feel comfortable and happy. i try to please folks i am around, i don't have a servant's heart, but a pleaser's heart. i realize that some may not appreciate that as a positive, but i do.

And last, but not least:

10. Ummm....So i'm stuck. i've gotten this far by asking my daughter (Padrone's suggestion, btw), and by thinking of what it is that Padrone has voiced that He values about me. Other things i could say are merely surface things, like i am a good mother, or i am a sweet woman. Maybe i should just make this last one a hodge-podge and add more than one thing here. Things that i kind of take for granted about myself, but which, when looking at them objectively, are positives. Things like honest, faithful, loyal, caring, empathetic all make up who i am, traits that i never think about but which i have learned are important and positive. i value communication and commitment, and i give it freely. (Sometimes *too* freely on the communication part, right Padrone?) And of course, i am very analytical, which is a positive and a negative both, and which is the only way i could actually DO this!

Padrone, i told You that i would thank You afterwards, and i do. It wasn't easy, and i really stressed over it as i knew i would. i do know, now, that i have many positive traits, but i think one of the most positive things about me, something that makes me a good slave, a good mother, and a good friend, is that i try hard to focus on others, to make others happy. That really does make me happy, especially when it is Your happiness that i can make happen.

Thank You for allowing me to think this through, and for making me show more of myself than i typically would through this blog. It's hard to publish it, knowing how much of *me* is exposed here. It's so much easier to show how wonderful YOU are, Padrone!

i love You, Padrone.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Last night i started thinking of how deeply grateful i am that Padrone never gave up on me, not in the first part of our relationship when i acted so childish so often, nor later when i screwed up in such a major way. Maybe it's so amazing to me because i, like so many others, have never had anyone be so committed to me.

It's an amazing feeling, and of course something i didn't trust for a long, long time. i do now, but it is still almost surreal to me at times, to know that someone who is as good a person, as good a man, and as good a Master, as Padrone is, is happy with *me*.

i've mentioned this to Padrone before, and He knows how deeply i feel about it, and yet He usually points out that *i* am just as committed as He is. Well, i have that i never thought of it just that way before.

Frankly, the few relationships i have ever been in have involved in before this one have involved me doing whatever it took to "keep him happy". Of course that never worked, so i learned that no relationship lasts forever, even if the promises are given. The funny thing is, Padrone never gave me promises like that. He said once that He had stopped thinking in terms of forever, and while it was a shock to hear it, and took a long time for me to accept that He, at that time, viewed our relationship as temporary, i learned over time to actually be grateful that He made no promise that He couldn't keep.

Now, however, forever *is* a part of our vocabulary, in terms of our relationship. And i have learned that i AM just as committed as He is to our relationship, it just took a long time for me to admit it. See, i was doing, and am doing, what i should do in order to make this relationship work. Before i accepted Padrone's happiness with me though, i was living in hopes that He wouldn't leave me. i lived in fear of losing Him, and that is a tremendous drain on any relationship, not just D/s. That fear was a direct result of my own needs not being met in relationships, even though i gave what the other seemed to want, and more at times. i gave what Padrone values so greatly, although not to the extent of course because never has any relationship been as deep as this one is, for me at least.

It took learning to trust that He wants me, that He needs me, that i do make Him happy, and that He isn't missing something in His life by owning me. That didn't happen overnight, and even now i am still realizing things, like last night's thoughts...

It finally dawned on me that Padrone doesn't love me for what i know, what i do for a living, where i live or how i live....He loves me in spite of those things, simply for who i am. Well, duh, you say? You have to understand, i am really nothing but a country girl who lives barefoot as much as possible, in so many ways a stereotypical southern girl. The extent of my exposure to the "real world" is the internet and Wal Mart, with a jaunt into a "big town" now and then. Of course the "big town" is 60 miles away, and a population of less than 100,000, but heck, it's uptown to me. How can someone as wonderful as Padrone maintain interest in me, when all i do is work, teach my kid, pay bills, and do chores?

But you know what? i finally realized that it doesn't matter to *me* what HE does, where He lives, what He knows, what He does for a living, or how He lives...i love Him for who He is. And yes, after more than three years, that light bulb finally went off in my brain, the one that made me realize that it goes both ways.

Our commitment to each other from the very beginning, the one that began as a tenuous thing, the commitment that was tested time and time again, the one that stretched and grew as we came to know and to trust each other...that commitment has become such a precious thing to me, something i value more and more the longer we are together. Now, our relationship is at a place where it doesn't take constant exposure to one another, constant reassurance, constant overt control or overt submission to maintain. We are in a place where we are a "safe haven" for each other, a place to escape and relax and be who we are. The commitment has grown and still grows as time goes by, but i will never forget that Padrone held fast to His slave, and never let her run, or push Him matter how hard she tried.

Padrone, thank You for holding on to me, even when it was so hard to do. Thank You for showing me what commitment really is, and thank You for being the man You are. i am richly blessed, and both deeply honored and equally humbled, by the way You treat me. You have taught me what a relationship is supposed to be, and now i know that we really do have forever to enjoy each other. i am Yours.

Monday, October 13, 2008


Well, it has been quite some time since i have typed here. Life has taken a turn for me, as usual, and it takes a little while to adjust sometimes. i had surgery a couple of weeks ago, and i am recovering nicely just more slowly than i want to - lol.

Padrone's life is also busier for a while and that means that our time together has become more precious because it is more restricted.

But today we were able to talk with voice, and it was so nice to not have to type, and to hear my Love's voice, the warmth, the pride, the obvious happiness that He feels from owning me. i had missed that intimacy, and the mushiness as well i must confess. Well, it's obvious even if i didn't "confess" it - lol.

During our conversation today we talked a bit about where we've come from, how far we've come, how we've grown, and where we are now. The topic came up about attitudes, and that when i learned that Padrone valued the attitude in which a submissive serves above perfect performance of a task (although of course i do strive for perfection), that it became a bit easier for me to be His slave.

But that leads us to ask the question....why? What is it about our attitudes that affect our performance, our service, our ability to please, and ultimately the stability of the relationship?

Well, it has been both my experience and my observation that many submissives have the desire to please their Masters, or Dominants in general if they are unowned. That's admirable, and if it weren't the case, i would wonder what kind of submissive they are - of course i talk mostly about emotional submissives, and not simply sexual submissives. i understand quite well that there are those who submit in a sexual manner and they could never submit any deeper. That's fine, but not who i am talking about here.

Pleasing, in my opinion, is one of the hallmarks of a submissive woman. We all love to hear "good girl", and "good job", and "i'm so proud of you", and words such as these. There are times when just hearing those words make us give more than even we ever dreamed possible. But the fact is, that when we begin to serve a Dominant, our motivations aren't nearly as self-effacing as we would believe them to be.

Let's be honest here. How many times do unowned slaves scene with a Dominant because of their own need for control? It's almost 100% isn't it? There may be a rare occasion when it is done purely because the Dominant wants it, but usually when that happens, the girl says no, or merely clicks out of the chat program, or maybe "real life calls", or the phone, or whatever. There is usually some excuse to prevent herself from giving merely for the sake of the Dominant's needs, if she doesn't have a need herself.

That's just the way it is. That is serving with one's own agenda first. That is serving to please one's self, rather than serving purely to bring a Dominant pleasure. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and it is where every submissive begins.

Every relationship as a whole has to begin that way. The submissive has to protect her own needs, and in the beginning she has no foundation of trust in the Dominant to meet them for her. So she has to serve a bit selfishly, i guess. The problem isn't in the beginning, i truly think that everyone understands that. But what happens if the submissive never makes the choice to serve merely because of who she is, and who He is to her?

This morning's conversation went along the lines of comparing submissives in the beginning of relationships, or unowned submissives, to children in their desires. Let's face it, children have little control over their lives, they trust the adults around them to keep them safe and happy, and they have few responsibilities. They have duties to perform in chores, and they are rewarded with tokens of appreciation (allowance, words, gifts, privileges, etc). That is how so many submissives view being an owned slave, as some sort of Utopia where all they have to do is follow orders and they can live as carefree as they please.

The reality is that submissives DO have a responsibility in a relationship. They are responsible for their Master's pleasure, in whatever ways the Master deems necessary. Does that mean they are not rewarded for their efforts? i surely hope not, but of course that depends on the Master. i would hope that if one had doubts about the type of man she is serving, that she would never consider a collar from Him, but of course that's an individual call.

In the beginning of a realtionship, it is very much "all about the Master". A submissive serves merely because He wants her to. Hopefully her needs are met, but she loses the option to refuse to serve based on mood, attitude, physical complaints, etc. She communicates those things to her Master and He makes the choice whether to excuse her or not.

As time passes, hopefully, she begins to see that He *does* have her best interests at heart, and that he is both understanding and compassionate while also expecting her to do her very best in anything she endeavors to do to please Him. She should begin to have the attitude that He is her Master and He deserves the best she can give Him, simply because of who He is. She should lose, maybe in a gradual way, but totally, the attitude that she has the right to make choices about her own needs in the relationship.

Our motivations change, they become far less self-serving, and far more focused on Him. We usually think we are focused on the Dominant's needs even in a friendship, but the reality is that if we get nothing out of it, the friendship fades. If we don't feel like talking with someone, we typically escape, even if they need an ear. If we have other places to be or things to do, we say so long to those in our lives that aren't important to us. We have to change as we progress into a relationship, change our motivation from childishness, from self-serving, into the purely giving, selfless one of simply pleasing because it makes our Master happy.

One thing we as slaves do is to take responsibility for making both parties in the relationship happy, and when we do that, we set ourselves up to fail. And so since our primary responsibility is to make HIM happy, we have to learn to trust, to let go, and let Him take the responsibility for meeting our own needs. That is giving up total control, in my opinion.

That, my friends, is what it means to serve as a woman, and not as a girl. That is giving the gift that is sometimes called the gift of submission....the true gift being the gift of control.

Padrone, i cannot imagine not being Your slave, Your woman. i am so grateful for the way You have guided me through our relationship, so many trials, so many circumstances to take into consideration. i am so grateful that You so patiently waited for me to learn what makes You happy, and that i finally realized that it is the attitude of submission that You love, even when i fail in a task. Thank You for loving me through so much, so that i am now totally secure in being the slave You are so proud to own. You are so good to me, and i love You.