Commitment

Last night i started thinking of how deeply grateful i am that Padrone never gave up on me, not in the first part of our relationship when i acted so childish so often, nor later when i screwed up in such a major way. Maybe it's so amazing to me because i, like so many others, have never had anyone be so committed to me.

It's an amazing feeling, and of course something i didn't trust for a long, long time. i do now, but it is still almost surreal to me at times, to know that someone who is as good a person, as good a man, and as good a Master, as Padrone is, is happy with *me*.

i've mentioned this to Padrone before, and He knows how deeply i feel about it, and yet He usually points out that *i* am just as committed as He is. Well, i have that i never thought of it just that way before.

Frankly, the few relationships i have ever been in have involved in before this one have involved me doing whatever it took to "keep him happy". Of course that never worked, so i learned that no relationship lasts forever, even if the promises are given. The funny thing is, Padrone never gave me promises like that. He said once that He had stopped thinking in terms of forever, and while it was a shock to hear it, and took a long time for me to accept that He, at that time, viewed our relationship as temporary, i learned over time to actually be grateful that He made no promise that He couldn't keep.

Now, however, forever *is* a part of our vocabulary, in terms of our relationship. And i have learned that i AM just as committed as He is to our relationship, it just took a long time for me to admit it. See, i was doing, and am doing, what i should do in order to make this relationship work. Before i accepted Padrone's happiness with me though, i was living in hopes that He wouldn't leave me. i lived in fear of losing Him, and that is a tremendous drain on any relationship, not just D/s. That fear was a direct result of my own needs not being met in relationships, even though i gave what the other seemed to want, and more at times. i gave what Padrone values so greatly, although not to the extent of course because never has any relationship been as deep as this one is, for me at least.

It took learning to trust that He wants me, that He needs me, that i do make Him happy, and that He isn't missing something in His life by owning me. That didn't happen overnight, and even now i am still realizing things, like last night's thoughts...

It finally dawned on me that Padrone doesn't love me for what i know, what i do for a living, where i live or how i live....He loves me in spite of those things, simply for who i am. Well, duh, you say? You have to understand, i am really nothing but a country girl who lives barefoot as much as possible, in so many ways a stereotypical southern girl. The extent of my exposure to the "real world" is the internet and Wal Mart, with a jaunt into a "big town" now and then. Of course the "big town" is 60 miles away, and a population of less than 100,000, but heck, it's uptown to me. How can someone as wonderful as Padrone maintain interest in me, when all i do is work, teach my kid, pay bills, and do chores?

But you know what? i finally realized that it doesn't matter to *me* what HE does, where He lives, what He knows, what He does for a living, or how He lives...i love Him for who He is. And yes, after more than three years, that light bulb finally went off in my brain, the one that made me realize that it goes both ways.

Our commitment to each other from the very beginning, the one that began as a tenuous thing, the commitment that was tested time and time again, the one that stretched and grew as we came to know and to trust each other...that commitment has become such a precious thing to me, something i value more and more the longer we are together. Now, our relationship is at a place where it doesn't take constant exposure to one another, constant reassurance, constant overt control or overt submission to maintain. We are in a place where we are a "safe haven" for each other, a place to escape and relax and be who we are. The commitment has grown and still grows as time goes by, but i will never forget that Padrone held fast to His slave, and never let her run, or push Him away...no matter how hard she tried.

Padrone, thank You for holding on to me, even when it was so hard to do. Thank You for showing me what commitment really is, and thank You for being the man You are. i am richly blessed, and both deeply honored and equally humbled, by the way You treat me. You have taught me what a relationship is supposed to be, and now i know that we really do have forever to enjoy each other. i am Yours.