Thursday, October 30, 2008

Humiliation and its effects

First i want to preface by saying that i am only speaking from personal experience and stating my own opinions and thoughts. This is not meant, in any way, to be an objective kind of essay - if that is what you are interested in, then google is your friend. :)

Recently, we have delved into some deeper humiliation than ever before. Humiliation is something i have often craved, needed, never ever enjoyed, but it is also a true emotional time bomb for me if not done in a way that will "defuse" the bomb.

The way the scene that sent me "over the edge" went was - during a scene where i served Padrone in a way He really enjoys, which entails my imagination coming into play to a huge degree, He made the statement "show me how much humiliation you can take" - or words to that effect anyway. That created a deep......i am not sure how to explain it, but i knew i had no choice from that moment on but to be as deeply humiliated as possible, to show Him that i am willing and ready to "go there" with Him, if for no other reason, although i am sure there were other reasons. The why doesn't matter in this instance, what matters is that there were things that i did voluntarily, that i still in a way can't believe i did. i offered such deep humiliation, things that *i* find deeply humiliating, things that i have always balked at doing or experiencing before. Yet i freely gave them.

i demeaned myself for my Master. i became His fuckpig, i gave Him every shred of pride in self, of self respect, of self esteem. i sank to the point that i could barely stand what i was doing, yet i knew i had no choice, i was completely driven to give more, more deeply, than i ever had before.

And it was very intense, very pleasing to Padrone, i made Him quite proud of me, and very happy with His slave. :) That made me feel so good, and i hung onto His words and that thought for as long as i could.

The problem is that in the next couple of days, some very inconsequential things happened that were negative, and would otherwise have had little effect on my psyche, but since i was still quite vulnerable and exposed, all the really bad stuff so close to the surface, that negative things had a more far reaching impact than they should have, and would have had i not been so exposed.

But the fact remains that i was quite vulnerable after that intense and deeply humiliating scene. And it really isn't much of a surprise that i experienced sub drop afterwards, especially when coupled with the negative things that happened for a couple of days afterwards. i really hate sub drop. It makes me feel like a really bad submissive, as if i am not grateful for the intensity of our scenes, our relationship. It's difficult enough as it is, and then add the feelings of doubt on top of it, and it's a dreadful situation.

Sub drop, for me, isn't something i can control, and in my experience seems to be directly related to the intensity, the "deepness" of the scene or scenes that cause it. This time, as i have said, the scene was QUITE intense, and so sub drop should not have surprised me as much as it did.

i was tumbling into a real depression but i just wouldn't let myself go there. i am not typically a depressed person although i admit to feeling down now and then for no reason. i have been medically depressed before though, and ended up on medication at one point, but i was fortunate and able to gradually get off of it.

i kept thinking i needed something, but i couldn't ask for it because i didn't know what it was. i reached the point that i was pulling away from Padrone emotionally, because i was afraid He would want to use me again and i just literally had no more to give. i couldn't communicate that because it would really have made me sound like a very ungrateful and selfish slave. i was probably communicating those things, those feelings, without meaning to. Part of that was the sub drop i had not yet realized was a factor. Part of it was not feeling "worthy" of asking for something for myself - a real red flag that should have alerted me that i was still in the throes of being the "humiliated me". Ah, what can i say? i'm slow sometimes.

But it finally dawned on me that after giving so much of myself, self preservation requires that i have a time of selfishness.

It took a phone call to a friend, and really talking through with another submissive to determine what would help me cope more easily with the after effects of deep humiliation. First, i should say that i truly hope to go there again. In terms of my submission, i have never ever felt so deeply surrendered, my entire being given literally for His pleasure. It was amazing, and i know that He has other places to take me.

But i now know that, if He chooses to use me in a way that is degrading or humiliating, that in my very deeply hidden places, there is a part of me that believes that how He treats me as during that kind of scene, is how i deserve to be treated. It seems as if no matter how hard i try, or how much i do overcome that, that i can't totally move beyond the little girl who never feels good enough to be loved, and so settles for being abused.

So what i have learned is that after being taken to a place that i feel my "feelings of worthlessness" validated so strongly, i need to be reassured that i am not seen that way, i am not the person i see myself as being. i need to know that Padrone sees the worst of me, and humiliation brings that to the forefront as nothing else can, and yet doesn't believe that the bad person that comes out when i am humiliated, isn't the real me. i need to be reassured that the person He sees is the person i am now.

Boy, that one really felt like a breakthrough kind of statement. There is a part of me that *is* the "humiliated me", but that part has shrunk into a small hidden place inside me. It shows up now and then of course, and affects my behavior, but for the most part is a non-factor in my life. After that part is deliberately exposed, and i become that "old me" again through a humiliating scene, i really do have to be reassured that ... the old me will disappear for a while, and that those old thoughts and patterns of behavior no longer have the hold, the control, over me that they once did. i really need to know that i am not "her" anymore, that the person i am becoming is the one that is real after all. Padrone, You see me as the woman with positive traits, rather than the girl who hides her insecurities behind being a whore (or a fuckpig, or whatever You choose for me to be), don't You Padrone?

i have no idea if that even makes a lick of sense. Please forgive me if it doesn't.

i guess, after typing all of this, the bottom line is that humiliation makes me feel worthless, ugly, repulsive. It makes me wonder what You would want with me. It brings old thought patterns to the surface. i'm rather proud of myself for finding a way to overcome them, but it could have been easier had i been better prepared, and had i been able to communicate what would have helped me.

So, Padrone, humiliation is something i am ready to try again, i mean the deep humiliation like a few days ago. But i know that, somehow, i have to feel special to You again afterwards, maybe even for a few days, just to recover from the ugly place it can send me. i have always needed for You to know about my "ugly" parts, and to accept that they exist and accept them readily. But i know You don't see me the way i see myself - or i know it most of the time anyway. Apparently i have problems remembering it after that kind of scene.

Padrone, if You would like to know what enabled me to come out of that place this time, i will tell You that it was remembering Your endearments, Your voice ...remembering, reinforcing, and mourning that it took me so long to get there. i wish i had been able to ask for reassurance, or whatever i could have done to have been able to hear Your voice saying them, or read the words. That would have made my recovery a bit easier, and it would have shortened it as well, or so i believe.

And yes, that statement is what i am most worried about typing, for reasons You well know.

Padrone, please forgive me for not being able to give You the tools You needed to help Your slave in this deeper journey. i don't take for granted that You will know instinctively what i need, but sometimes it is so difficult to express things for myself, when i am, even during "bad" times, so focused on pleasing You.

i love You, Padrone, and i am grateful that You do have an inordinate amount of patience with me. i am grateful that You allow me to express myself freely, within only the constraints of respectful language. Thank You for needing so much of me, and taking what You need, and for so deeply appreciating what is freely given as well. Padrone, i am Yours, forever. Thank You.

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