Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A few random thoughts

So i went another full week without blogging. i guess i am just too busy lately, and really have nothing to share believe it or not.

We have made a few adjustments to the details of our relationship, and i find that they ... well take some adjusting to! What i mean is that one rule in particular has been completely deleted, one which was causing me more stress than i even realized until my meltdown a few weeks ago. Padrone is really a wonderful Master, in more ways than just being a Master if that makes sense.

i guess i'm back to the theme of...our relationship is most definitely M/s, but we don't always express the M/s overtly. He is my Master, but he is so much beyond that as well. He takes care of me, which is part of what being a Master is all about but frankly by now it has moved beyond being the duty of his role as Master. Maybe that's the elusive "something" i have been trying to think of as a way to clarify in my own mind what about our relationship is "beyond" M/s. We do what we do because of who we are, and because of the great love we feel for each other, not simply because it is our duty to do so.

i'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but the difference is definitely felt. i love Padrone with all that i am, and trust him with no reservations, something i have never been able to say about anyone else in my life, ever. He is a good man in general, which i guess is vital to someone being a good Master. The person he is makes the Master he is....his role as Master doesn't define him. It's exactly opposite from the immpression i get from what others based strictly on reading blogs and conversations with them.

Maybe that's what the difference is. We express who we are, rather than try to fit into a role. At first we did have to kind of do what we thought was expected of us, as we got to know each other, but as time passed it was necessary to relax into simply being who we are, and trusting that what we have given in our role was a reflection of who we are.

Anyway, i didn't mean to get into all that. i really just wanted to say that my recent "breakthrough" regarding emotions and physical intimacy has been quite illuminating for me in a number of ways. Yes, the pure sex has been amazing now, and i do wonder if HE has felt a change himself. i haven't asked him yet, as we've spent time talking about other things. (or i forgot, when we weren't talking about other things). But for me, it's like floodgates have opened and all the emotions i never knew were being held back just....aren't anymore.

Even when the intimacy is humiliation or pain. (yes, i know, seems an impossibility, but it happens) Like today, pain. Intense pain that i haven't felt in a long time. And the struggle was greater than it has been in a long time to accept it, to surrender to it. But when it was breathtaking in its intensity. Same with humiliation recently - everything i feel has seemed magnified, has grown and deepened and become new. It's been difficult to handle in the short term, at times. i have needed a lot of tenderness and after care, more than usual, because of the depths that i get lost in more than i used to.

i have always "floated", even with online interaction. i have always been able to reach that place of losing myself in his control, and simply floating mindlessly afterwards. i don't have the luxury of doing it fully because i still have to care for my own needs afterwards but when i have privacy and time .... it is amazing. Lately, however, including this morning's has been something i haven't been able to reign in. i'm not complaining in the least, believe me! But Padrone did mention once that he wondered what would happen with humiliation and pain, and while it hasn't happened often since my "awakening", i think it will be a positive thing rather than a negative one.

i have already gone through all the rationalization and emotional gymnastics necessary for me to be perfectly comfortable needing pain and somewhat comfortable with my need to be humiliated, so i think it's more a matter of me dealing with the openness and depths of the emotions....the surrender that i feel so strongly, especially when i have to struggle to do so. It's one of those things that i can't explain, but which i am deeply grateful for as long as it doesn't totally overwhelm me into emotional immobility.

So what a jumbled mix of thoughts here, none of which probably make much sense. But that's alright, my job isn't to always make sense, for which i am eternally grateful!

Padrone, i love You, and i am so proud to be Yours, and incredibly happy. Just simply happy. Thank You, for taking care of me because You care for me so deeply, and show it so well. i love how we are always learning and growing, and the safety of our relationship that allows us to do so.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Peeking beyond another wall

i can be so slow sometimes. i don't get things that most other folks seem to understand easily. It's a bit frustrating at times, especially when i *think* i understand, only to find out just how wrong i have been.

So last night i had one of those "AH HA" moments that quickly turned into a "DUH" moment.

Yesterday, while it was snowing, Padrone called and we talked and shared a very deeply intimate time together, quite romantic and sexual. It floored me, for some reason, stayed in my thoughts - those two words linked together i mean. For me, sex has always been physical, and romance has always been emotional. i know it stems from the crossed wires in my emotional life because of my history of being sexually abused. But that didn't help when i realized just how much i *didn't* understand about emotional intimacy and bonding that can and does happen during sex for two who love each other deeply.

Lately i've been worried about my lack of sexual interest. i figured it was my age and hormones and i really worried about it because it is a major part of a healthy relationship. i most definitely don't want to lose it! i tried to find other ways to compensate, to connect emotionally, but i have been feeling a bit "off" lately. Yes, there were other contributing factors, i understand that, but the fact that i couldn't open myself and offer one thing i know Padrone would absolutely love to have from me has weighed on my mind for months now.

He really would love for me to be more free sexually, without him having to create the interest in me all the time. i *do* feel horny at times, but not often i admit. For me, sex has always been purely physical, and while i have often felt the need for emotional things, and expressed them, i never realized that sex could be a way to meet them as well.

Ugh, i'm not explaining this very well, i know.

Bottom line is that i've got some exploring to do in the area of emotions during sex. i know it is something that so many others seem to understand naturally, and i feel quite slow in not realizing it until i'm 45 years old, but there it is. Padrone understands it, that's for sure, based on the way things were yesterday. i really had a hard time with some of it, and i never understood why until this hit me last night. And see....when he would compare my body opening to him with my heart opening to him, i just...didn't get it. It's like my mind closed off that connection, and i focused on the emotional part and let my body do what it does when stimulated sexually. There was this huge disconnect, that i never realized was there until yesterday.

Yesterday, i finally had a glimpse beyond that wall that separated the two in my mind. Yesterday, i finally saw what others talked about, and which i only thought i understood. Yesterday, i saw just how far i have to go, but i also had a peek at just how much more there is for us.

i am really stunned, once again, by the patience Padrone has for me, even though He didn't understand what he was being patient about. i couldn't show my sexuality more obviously for him, even though i knew he would like to see it. i couldn't explain why not, because i just didn't understand it myself. i still don't know what the key that will unlock that door is, but i *do* now know that it can be unlocked eventually. i already do understand that what he is looking for isn't for me to just be a slut (which is really what i thought he wanted, just express myself physically and keep the emotions checked at the door)...but i can't quite grasp just what it is that he does want. i know it's there, i know there's more now. That's the first step, i think.

The thing is, i have unconsciously let my doubts about pleasing him by acting more sexual in general, affect every aspect of the way i express my submission to him. It's like i had the thoughts of "i can't please him in this, and it's sexual in nature, so i can't please him sexually at all", and that created the need to express my submission in other ways, and that created a huge amount of stress on me overall. Hence my meltdown of a couple of weeks ago. (i know it's not that simple, but i knew there had to be more than just burnout, since i wasn't doing any more than i had been for years....the easing of the pain and discomfort of one of my rules helped me think about other things, i guess)

So, while nobody else may understand this post, it is my sincere desire that Padrone does. The bottom line is that i feel more relaxed, today and for today, about my sexuality than i ever have in my entire life. It may last only a moment, and even if i ever *do* fully accept the emotional side of sexuality and sex and physical intimacy, then i am positive i will have flashes of doubts and insecurities that will inhibit me and interfere again. We all do, i guess, in some areas of our lives.

Padrone, i hope this makes sense to You, but i have a feeling we'll need to talk it out. Let's just say that i can trace many of my problems back to my struggle last year, to try to express my sexuality more - the struggle i am positive You remember clearly! For now, it feels like a moment of realization, which, if i can just hold onto these concepts for longer than a fleeting moment, has the potential to be a true epiphany.

Please, be patient with Your slow-to-understand slave for a little while longer, Padrone. i truly think it will be well worth it in the end, for us. i love You.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

What a day

i know that girls can be cruel creatures. i do understand that. But when it is *my* daughter hurt by the sheer thoughtlessness of her "best friend", yet again, then the mamma bear in me rears her ugly head.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. Tonight she cancelled the party she has worked literally hours planning and preparing for, because of things her friend had said and done. Now, my daughter doesn't often get upset or angry, but she did today. She rarely cries, and today tears. She was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. She couldn't deal with being with her friends and hiding her emotions, not at her own party, so she cancelled it. i am hurting for her - it really kills me to see her hurt for nothing.(there's a lot more to the story of course, but this is the gist of my day)

So today we had a girl's day out. We shopped, we ate, we just had fun. It was her idea to spend today with me, and tomorrow we're planning a movie marathon, which should be fun...movies and a huge birthday cake - lol.

Anyway, if i can get my jaw to unclench, i'll be alright. Seeing others hurt her like this just makes me crazy. i let her deal with it though, all the while supporting and letting her know that if she would rather me step in and handle it, i would. Supporting, offering an escape, encouraging, letting her experience all the emotions in a safe environment...i wish i could have done more, but i am grateful for the wisdom to know how to handle this with her, and for her.

i was thinking a few minutes ago that this is exactly how Padrone deals with me when i am going through emotional turmoil. He gives me the freedom to feel what i have to and need to feel, yet He lets me know that He is there, supporting, encouraging, accepting, and protective. What a wonderful, beautiful, amazing thing.

Even now, i can imagine what He will say to all of this that i'm dealing with, with my daughter. i know that He will listen to me talk and talk and get all this out of my system, not judging me, just listening and letting me deal with these emotions in an environment of acceptance. He'll tell me i handled it right, and that He is proud of me. i can hear His voice saying those things, the same things i said to her earlier. i have tears in my eyes, thinking that i am so blessed, so absolutely blessed, to belong to someone who loves me the way He does - in the healthy and positive way that allows me to bloom and open to Him like the flower He calls me.

Padrone, i simply adore You with all i am. i am Yours, and humbled by Your love for Your slave. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Success in a Nutshell?

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about why our relationship is successful when so many out there aren't. i mean, even the two of us have had unsuccessful relationships in the past, as have we all. So what makes this one so different, other than the fact that we don't live in the same house...or the same time zone...or even the same continent!

i've read motivational materials that spout success by following a "simple forumula!", spoken with spiritual people who believe that success is a spiritual thing, spoken with financially successful people who will be glad to rid me of my money to help fund their further success...oh and teach me how to be successful too, of course *ahem*. i've even talked with folks who have been married for 50+ years, about how they could stand to be around each other that long. (that happened to be when i was still married myself, hence the wording of the question)

And i have come to the conclusion that the formula for success in whatever endeavor we venture into, in all aspects of our lives - including relationships - includes five common ingredients. i'm going to discuss them here, and probably relate them specifically to D/s and even more specifically to our unique relationship.

Commitment. This is the most important ingredient to success, i believe. Once a decision has been made, or a goal set, or a collar accepted, or a way of living chosen, or wedding vows said....then to be successful, one MUST be sold out, totally committed to one's chosen path.

When Padrone and i met, He had a collared slave already. He was happy with her, loved her, and was deeply committed to their relationship. However, He had made no promises of monogamy, and since i was quite the whore then (self protection, after a painful ending of my prior relationship), and we were strongly attracted to each other, we ended up with a strong connection. (It was her lack of commitment that created the irreparable breach, not His. He was still as committed to her as ever, just added a commitment to me as well. Poor Padrone!) When He collared me, i was totally shocked for a few reasons, but once the relationship was made formal with a collar, our commitment to each other was also made formal.

i have been totally awestruck many times by Padrone's level of commitment to me, and to our relationship...and i finally do realize that my own level of commitment matches His, or it could never work.

Choosing to commit, however, is the easy part. STAYING committed is the kind of thing that will separate successful endeavors from failures.

Toughness. Alright, i am not what one might call a "tough gal". i admit freely to feeling like a wimp, being very emotional, and too often wearing my emotions for all to see, even if i *have* learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time! But see, that's only one image of being tough. Some call what i am talking about here, being a strong person. i agree, as far as that goes. But an analogy i think of now and then is that of a flower...un fiore...Padrone calls me His fiore del sud - flower of the south...i love it, but i always think of what we southern women are so often called - steel magnolias.

The day after Katrina hit was one of the most beautiful days i can remember, weather wise. It was cool, for August, and sunny, almost painfully clear. Trees, homes, buildings had been destroyed, there was shock on the faces and in the hearts of everyone i knew. And yet ... there were still flowers to be seen. Fragile looking roses, still on their vines. Zinnias, periwinkles...still blossoming, as if the storm of the day before had only strengthened their resolve to show the beauty in the midst of chaos.

Mouse and Omega remind me of that kind of toughness...the kind that doesn't simply mean "i'm strong, i'll get through this", but the kind that means "i'm TOUGH, i'll make it through this as a better person, in a better relationship". It's kind of a fine line, i guess, but to me, there is a definite difference in the two. Being tough doesn't mean one has a hard exterior, or interior for that matter. It doesn't mean that one has to be cold and unfeeling. It doesn't mean that little barbs don't hurt or that one loses a level of sensitivity to others. It just means, i think, that ... like a seed which holds the "flower" deep inside until the right moment and conditions to expose it, we too have to let our toughness protect the person inside, so that we can fully express who we are, what we do, what we've the right moment, and when circumstances are right to do so.

Effort. So, you're a tough person, deeply committed to what you want. Now what? Well, as my Granny used to say "hard work never hurt anyone!" You can expect to get out of any endeavor only what you are willing to put into it. If you aren't willing to work at being a good employee, a good friend, a good wife, a good submissive, a good slave, a good student, a good parent, or whatever, then you will never be successful at being a good (insert desired goal here).

It takes a lot of work to be successful. That is one of the things that so many people don't want to hear. They don't want to put forth any effort, and i guess it's kind of an old fashioned way of looking at it anyway, in today's "instant gratification" society. We don't want to wait in line at the bank, so we just run to the atm. We don't want to cook, so we hit a drive-thru, or microwave something. We don't want to sew, so we spend a ton of money on our clothes. We don't want to make someone else happy, so we end a relationship and move on to the next.

As a slave, i have found that some of my hardest work has been mental. i've had so many obstacles to overcome, based in my past, and it has been pure hell for us both at times....especially when something happens to ignite the embers again. They're never going to disappear, but i have worked hard to neutralize their effects, in so many ways, to work through fears and learn to accept what i never dreamed i would.

But it also takes a lot of physical effort as well. The things i do, the time constraints on some of them, being physically uncomfortable....all while working, homeschooling, kid in college, ex from hell, studying for my test, and making a feeble attempt to keep my house from collapsing under the weight of clutter! (and softball season is about to start, isn't that going to be fun? Well, yeah, but anyway) But, because of the commitment that is strong, deep, and which i don't even think about anymore....i do it. When i can't, i have a meltdown, we talk, things that need to be revised are, or whatever needs to be done to help me get back on track, is done, and i do. It is NOT EASY, however. What it is, is worth it. And i could not do any of it at all if i didn't have at least a semblance of...

Discipline. Yes, the dreaded "d" word. This is probably the *one* area in my life that i lacked most in, and i still do in many areas of my life. But if i hadn't learned to cultivate some discipline, i would do nothing but play online all day, or read, or whatever, and where would *that* get me in terms of accomplishing my goals?

Specific to our relationship, if i didn't have any discipline at all, then i would have failed hugely, and loooooooong ago. But i will also say that Padrone helped me to develop that discipline, even if it wasn't intended (and i don't know, i just say "if"). By building the framework of rules and requirements in a gradual way, He helped me get used to one rule, before adding more. He didn't overwhelm me with requirements and expectations that i would be punished for quickly...He allowed one to become a habit for me, before adding more to it. i mean, in general. If He said "don't wear green anymore except as a punishment", and "don't date without my permission" on the same day, that wouldn't be any kind of problem.

But, this kind of thing HAS to come from inside. We can be pushed and prodded all they wish to push and prod us, but eventually we have to make the choice to just suck it up and do it, whatever it is, without constant reminders or constant punishments. There comes a time when we should be able to do what's expected of us independently. Until that time comes, growth can't really happen anyway. It's like a baby....we can't be fed food until we stop suckling milk. With our relationships, as with other areas of life, we are the ones who has to stop suckling - weaning won't be forced on us. So, if the goal is a deep, strongly D/s relationship, then it truly is up to us as slaves to discipline ourselves (not punish, there's a huge difference) enough to move from milk to meat.

We also have to have the discipline to make good choices. We're all tempted by many things, with each of us tempted in different ways, from slacking on our chores, to outright cheating on vows, to sneaking a candy bar. But every choice brings its own consequences, and being responsible, and being disciplined to do what is right even when no one is looking, is what being a successful slave is all about.

Pride. This one is self explanatory in many ways. We have to be proud of ourselves, of who we are, what we do, how we conduct ourselves. We have to be proud of the choices we make in life. We have to be proud of the results of our efforts. We aren't in this just to make our Masters proud, although i LOVE knowing that i do make Padrone proud of me. But we should take pride in ourselves, and we should be proud of the fruits of our commitments.

i will probably read this later and think "why didn't i say this?" and "why didn't i word things that way?", but for now i am going to stop here. i truly believe that if we apply these elements into our lives, believing that what we are working towards is worth every effort required of us...that we will reap benefits that we can only dream of now.

i wrote this from the perspective, and to the perspective of submissive. But i believe it also applies to Dominants as well. Because i have less understanding of Dominant mentality, and only understand human nature in general, i didn't feel comfortable trying to assume thoughts or motivations for Dominants, that i seem to understand intuitively as a submissive. i do believe that these are pretty universal elements to success, no matter who we are, what role we live, or what endeavor we have undertaken to accomplish.

Padrone, i am deeply grateful for the way You have shown all of these things in our relationship, in Your life in general. You have taught me by example so many things that i haven't ever mentioned, but i have noticed that You do exhibit so many of these things in Your life, and in our relationship. And Padrone, You make me so unspeakably happy to be Your woman, Your slave. i am proud to wear Your collar.