Success in a Nutshell?

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about why our relationship is successful when so many out there aren't. i mean, even the two of us have had unsuccessful relationships in the past, as have we all. So what makes this one so different, other than the fact that we don't live in the same house...or the same time zone...or even the same continent!

i've read motivational materials that spout success by following a "simple forumula!", spoken with spiritual people who believe that success is a spiritual thing, spoken with financially successful people who will be glad to rid me of my money to help fund their further success...oh and teach me how to be successful too, of course *ahem*. i've even talked with folks who have been married for 50+ years, about how they could stand to be around each other that long. (that happened to be when i was still married myself, hence the wording of the question)

And i have come to the conclusion that the formula for success in whatever endeavor we venture into, in all aspects of our lives - including relationships - includes five common ingredients. i'm going to discuss them here, and probably relate them specifically to D/s and even more specifically to our unique relationship.

Commitment. This is the most important ingredient to success, i believe. Once a decision has been made, or a goal set, or a collar accepted, or a way of living chosen, or wedding vows said....then to be successful, one MUST be sold out, totally committed to one's chosen path.

When Padrone and i met, He had a collared slave already. He was happy with her, loved her, and was deeply committed to their relationship. However, He had made no promises of monogamy, and since i was quite the whore then (self protection, after a painful ending of my prior relationship), and we were strongly attracted to each other, we ended up with a strong connection. (It was her lack of commitment that created the irreparable breach, not His. He was still as committed to her as ever, just added a commitment to me as well. Poor Padrone!) When He collared me, i was totally shocked for a few reasons, but once the relationship was made formal with a collar, our commitment to each other was also made formal.

i have been totally awestruck many times by Padrone's level of commitment to me, and to our relationship...and i finally do realize that my own level of commitment matches His, or it could never work.

Choosing to commit, however, is the easy part. STAYING committed is the kind of thing that will separate successful endeavors from failures.

Toughness. Alright, i am not what one might call a "tough gal". i admit freely to feeling like a wimp, being very emotional, and too often wearing my emotions for all to see, even if i *have* learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time! But see, that's only one image of being tough. Some call what i am talking about here, being a strong person. i agree, as far as that goes. But an analogy i think of now and then is that of a flower...un fiore...Padrone calls me His fiore del sud - flower of the south...i love it, but i always think of what we southern women are so often called - steel magnolias.

The day after Katrina hit was one of the most beautiful days i can remember, weather wise. It was cool, for August, and sunny, almost painfully clear. Trees, homes, buildings had been destroyed, there was shock on the faces and in the hearts of everyone i knew. And yet ... there were still flowers to be seen. Fragile looking roses, still on their vines. Zinnias, periwinkles...still blossoming, as if the storm of the day before had only strengthened their resolve to show the beauty in the midst of chaos.

Mouse and Omega remind me of that kind of toughness...the kind that doesn't simply mean "i'm strong, i'll get through this", but the kind that means "i'm TOUGH, i'll make it through this as a better person, in a better relationship". It's kind of a fine line, i guess, but to me, there is a definite difference in the two. Being tough doesn't mean one has a hard exterior, or interior for that matter. It doesn't mean that one has to be cold and unfeeling. It doesn't mean that little barbs don't hurt or that one loses a level of sensitivity to others. It just means, i think, that ... like a seed which holds the "flower" deep inside until the right moment and conditions to expose it, we too have to let our toughness protect the person inside, so that we can fully express who we are, what we do, what we've accomplished...at the right moment, and when circumstances are right to do so.

Effort. So, you're a tough person, deeply committed to what you want. Now what? Well, as my Granny used to say "hard work never hurt anyone!" You can expect to get out of any endeavor only what you are willing to put into it. If you aren't willing to work at being a good employee, a good friend, a good wife, a good submissive, a good slave, a good student, a good parent, or whatever, then you will never be successful at being a good (insert desired goal here).

It takes a lot of work to be successful. That is one of the things that so many people don't want to hear. They don't want to put forth any effort, and i guess it's kind of an old fashioned way of looking at it anyway, in today's "instant gratification" society. We don't want to wait in line at the bank, so we just run to the atm. We don't want to cook, so we hit a drive-thru, or microwave something. We don't want to sew, so we spend a ton of money on our clothes. We don't want to make someone else happy, so we end a relationship and move on to the next.

As a slave, i have found that some of my hardest work has been mental. i've had so many obstacles to overcome, based in my past, and it has been pure hell for us both at times....especially when something happens to ignite the embers again. They're never going to disappear, but i have worked hard to neutralize their effects, in so many ways, to work through fears and learn to accept what i never dreamed i would.

But it also takes a lot of physical effort as well. The things i do, the time constraints on some of them, being physically uncomfortable....all while working, homeschooling, kid in college, ex from hell, studying for my test, and making a feeble attempt to keep my house from collapsing under the weight of clutter! (and softball season is about to start, isn't that going to be fun? Well, yeah, but anyway) But, because of the commitment that is strong, deep, and which i don't even think about anymore....i do it. When i can't, i have a meltdown, we talk, things that need to be revised are, or whatever needs to be done to help me get back on track, is done, and i do. It is NOT EASY, however. What it is, is worth it. And i could not do any of it at all if i didn't have at least a semblance of...

Discipline. Yes, the dreaded "d" word. This is probably the *one* area in my life that i lacked most in, and i still do in many areas of my life. But if i hadn't learned to cultivate some discipline, i would do nothing but play online all day, or read, or whatever, and where would *that* get me in terms of accomplishing my goals?

Specific to our relationship, if i didn't have any discipline at all, then i would have failed hugely, and loooooooong ago. But i will also say that Padrone helped me to develop that discipline, even if it wasn't intended (and i don't know, i just say "if"). By building the framework of rules and requirements in a gradual way, He helped me get used to one rule, before adding more. He didn't overwhelm me with requirements and expectations that i would be punished for quickly...He allowed one to become a habit for me, before adding more to it. i mean, in general. If He said "don't wear green anymore except as a punishment", and "don't date without my permission" on the same day, that wouldn't be any kind of problem.

But, this kind of thing HAS to come from inside. We can be pushed and prodded all they wish to push and prod us, but eventually we have to make the choice to just suck it up and do it, whatever it is, without constant reminders or constant punishments. There comes a time when we should be able to do what's expected of us independently. Until that time comes, growth can't really happen anyway. It's like a baby....we can't be fed food until we stop suckling milk. With our relationships, as with other areas of life, we are the ones who has to stop suckling - weaning won't be forced on us. So, if the goal is a deep, strongly D/s relationship, then it truly is up to us as slaves to discipline ourselves (not punish, there's a huge difference) enough to move from milk to meat.

We also have to have the discipline to make good choices. We're all tempted by many things, with each of us tempted in different ways, from slacking on our chores, to outright cheating on vows, to sneaking a candy bar. But every choice brings its own consequences, and being responsible, and being disciplined to do what is right even when no one is looking, is what being a successful slave is all about.

Pride. This one is self explanatory in many ways. We have to be proud of ourselves, of who we are, what we do, how we conduct ourselves. We have to be proud of the choices we make in life. We have to be proud of the results of our efforts. We aren't in this just to make our Masters proud, although i LOVE knowing that i do make Padrone proud of me. But we should take pride in ourselves, and we should be proud of the fruits of our commitments.

i will probably read this later and think "why didn't i say this?" and "why didn't i word things that way?", but for now i am going to stop here. i truly believe that if we apply these elements into our lives, believing that what we are working towards is worth every effort required of us...that we will reap benefits that we can only dream of now.

i wrote this from the perspective, and to the perspective of submissive. But i believe it also applies to Dominants as well. Because i have less understanding of Dominant mentality, and only understand human nature in general, i didn't feel comfortable trying to assume thoughts or motivations for Dominants, that i seem to understand intuitively as a submissive. i do believe that these are pretty universal elements to success, no matter who we are, what role we live, or what endeavor we have undertaken to accomplish.

Padrone, i am deeply grateful for the way You have shown all of these things in our relationship, in Your life in general. You have taught me by example so many things that i haven't ever mentioned, but i have noticed that You do exhibit so many of these things in Your life, and in our relationship. And Padrone, You make me so unspeakably happy to be Your woman, Your slave. i am proud to wear Your collar.