Our kind of exchange

Well, once again spirited got me thinking with her most recent post: here . In that post she talks about TPE, a subject i typically stay well away from because frankly, i don't give a flying flip what our relationship is called, as long as it works for us. Labels don't really mean that much to me, in terms of defining our relationship, but when i first became interested in D/s long ago, i struggled to find definitions that worked and made sense to me.

i may not have a lot of common sense, but even a novice like i was saw that many of the philosophies that were being spouted by folks in the "lifestyle" were totally unrealistic for so many ppl to be involved in it.

i do understand that i may be "nit-picking", because of my thoughts about what is "exchanged" in a M/s relationship, but the one philosophy that is so often referred to as "true D/s", and that truly makes no sense to me whatsoever is TPE. i realize that it may seem to be quite a fine line that i am drawing in my own definition of what happens when one begins, and maintains, a M/s relationship, but what has always been the case in my relationships, and also in the successful relationships i have always known about, is that it isn't POWER that is exchanged - especially "totally".

If i gave Padrone all power, that would mean i was totally powerLESS, correct? If i were powerless, then how could i perform a job? How could i pay my bills? How could i raise my children? How could i even dress or wash clothes or clean the house without His power to tell me what to do and when to do it? That is unrealistic even in a live-together kind of relationship, as MOST folks will admit! And of course, there is always the argument that i could "beg permission" to go to work, as if that would be denied - lol!

And those facts would be true, even if we lived in the same household. There are things that each of us do, because we *are* separate entities, and Padrone cannot live my life and His as well. And He can't do it even when we are living together, and i would hate it if He tried! 

So what i learned long ago, something that makes FAR more sense to me than a total POWER exchange, is that it isn't power at all that is "given", it is the authority to exert power in my life. Yes, theoretically, Padrone could require me to beg permission to go to work, or to do a load of clothes, or to have a cup of coffee or what to make for dinner. But realistically that is all hogwash. i understand that many Masters micromanage far more than Padrone does, and that many slaves need that kind of micromanagement far more than i do. But frankly, nobody has total power over another person, even if they keep them caged and bound - unless they simply choose to let them die for lack of nourishment or water, of course.

Ugh, way too far "out there" for what i hoped to say today.

i have long believed that the most healthy relationships have balance in all areas, even M/s relationships (which many folks refuse to accept, but it's true). A Master can only control that which the slave gives Him authority *to* control. It is my thought, and has been confirmed in every HEALTHY relationship i have ever encountered, that no Master will choose to control everything in a slave's life. Every little thing that a slave does that isn't expressly by her Master's "will" or "permission" confirms my theory that POWER can never be totally exchanged ... and that authority can, and is, but is often not exerted.

For us, one example is my kids. Padrone doesn't involve himself in the raising of my kids, although He will, and does, offer insights and opinions and suggestions when i am at a loss what to do. That's a mutual choice, btw, just so y'all don't think i am depriving Padrone of an area of authority in my life which He would wish to have control over.


But in general, the strength of the power of a Master, or the level of His authority, is equally matched by the strength and depths of the slave's submission. It is when that balance is disrupted that problems happen, imho. But nobody can force me to do what i don't submit to do, except in the case of abuse - this is NOT a post about abuse, but about a healthy M/s relationship. As trust grows, so the submission deepens. If trust is disrupted, then the submission is harder to give.

In general, in all types of relationships, it is when the relationship is balanced....mutual everything - respect, trust, love, acceptance, support....that they are strong, healthy, positive relationships. And so, to me, the idea of TPE is very attractive to some in this lifestyle, but totally unrealistic in practice. Nobody, even the "lowliest of slaves", is totally powerless, but she *may* have no authority to  make decisions in her life. Being powerless implies lack of ability, having no authority means lack of opportunity.

And i guess that's the whole point. i don't have the opportunity to decide if i am going to do that which i am restricted from doing, or not do what i have been required to do - without serious consequences that is. i *do* have the power to do it - if i couldn't then there would be no reason for any type of punishment in our relationship.

i don't know, maybe it is simply that TPE *sounds* so enthralling to those of us who do what we do. Maybe it is that it is the "accepted" term by so many who expound their views loudly over the internet and in books, etc. Maybe it's the "experts" who have thrown this term together and chosen to shove it down our throats, and it's easy to accept what others say, rather than forge our own paths.

But for me...and for us....i am valued partly *because* of my ability to live my life without being micromanaged...the ability to make my own choices at times, all the while striving to live as pleasing to my Master as possible, given the restrictions that distance creates.

Padrone, this line of thought has really made me start thinking, even more than usual. (i know You're ecstatic to hear that *sarcasm, sarcasm*) Trust and balance and submission and authority and all the basics - i need to revisit them i think - and i know You know why. Thank You for the value You place on me, and on our relationship....and i love You more than my actions lately have shown.

i truly am Yours, and gratefully so.