Wednesday, February 25, 2009

humiliation revisited

Well, lately i have had some major breakthroughs when it comes to humiliation. i need it, i crave it, at the hands of Padrone of course....and i trust Him implicitly, and i believe He is coming to trust me in the same way, which has been at least part of the breakthrough even though i hate to admit it.

i trust Him enough to BE the worst i can be, and know that He doesn't think of me that way but that He also needs to treat me that way. When i realized how much He also needed it, and that He couldn't explain that need any better than i could explain my own need, it really helped me to see realistically...simply because He may call me a worthless fuckpig, doesn't mean that He actually thinks of me that way. It pleases Him, it feeds something inside of Him, to see me on my hands and knees, lapping the piss He has peed on me that has pooled on the floor before me, His hands gripping my udders as i beg for His cock, my hips humping like the animal i have become.

He has a need to reduce me to my basest instincts, to simply be holes to fuck, and to NEED with an indescribable desperation, to be fucked by need Him for all, for everything, for even the most basic needs - for EVERY basic need, as much as possible in this long term relationship. And i do.

Being humiliated gives me yet another outlet for expressing how deeply i need Him for everything. If He takes me to a certain level of humiliation, i need more....if He makes me worthless for anything other than His use, His pleasure, His whim.... then i crave to be even more focus on His pleasure with the singlemindedness of being nothing more than His pig, His bitch, His whore, His meat to use, His holes to fuck or to tease or to fill.

What i am trying to say is that, if He chooses, or needs, for me to be worthless for anything except His pleasure, and to feel worthless in that until He expresses it with His orgasm, and even if it isn't a sexual release for Him - even if He merely wants me to feel that way "just because", then i yearn to be as worthless as possible, to become nothing, as close to nothing as i can, to be - not just to feel but to *be* - as meaningless to Him as a speck of dust. i crave to be whatever He needs, period, to make Him find more and deeper pleasure in owning me.

The interesting thing to me is the dynamic that is a result of those needs. He needs to be as powerful as possible, and there really are times when making me feel worthless, useless, stupid, and silly accomplishes that. His control is unwavering, His power as well, but just as sometimes the need to express the control is strong, so sometimes is the need to express the *power* that comes with the control. Not sure if that makes sense or not, but i understand it anyway!

What it does for me when He makes me feel that way is to enhance the need to please, to find *some* way to give pleasure even as worthless as i am, and the gratitude that i can't ever express fully simply deepens even more. It makes me yearn and strive harder to serve and to please.

Why gratitude? Well that's a difficult question to answer, but i'll try with what i've sorted through so far. First, it's the surface kind of emotion, the gratitude that even though i'm worthless (i know i'm being a bit redundant with that word, but i don't know how else to say this, concisely at least), He still uses me, finds pleasure in using me. That one is kind of obvious i guess. i mean, even though i am shamed and humiliated, He still wants to use me. It's kind of the accepted sort of explanation.....He saw me as i have seen myself for so many years, and He wants me anyway.

And that is very important in the dynamic, in feeding the gratitude.

But, for me, it is even more deep than that. This man knows me so well. He knows what i would find deeply humiliating. He knows what i would struggle with. He knows what i have said in the past that i can't do. He knows what i still can't do. He has held His needs in check until i broached the subject myself, and until i expressed that i can, indeed, do or take almost anything He needs to do or say to me. For years this man has not taken all He could, all He had a right to, simply for my sake. Yes, Padrone, i know it is common sense not to harm Your slave, but as You could probably predict, i will say that not many would do that, or not for over 3 years at least. Not many men *could* do it.

But You saw my heart, came to realize and to trust that i truly do yearn for Your pleasure more than my own, and that i do everything within my power to please and to serve You as You need, want, and deserve. Your patience in waiting for me to be ready to offer what is almost the last thing i could ever offer, is tremendous, and it is like a warm blanket of comfort and safety wrapped around me, even in the midst of humiliation. i *know* You will never harm me, and i think You finally realize that if i am put into a place that is difficult for me to deal with, that i *will* work through it, and i will come through that place, that "fire", even more ready and able to give more to You. It has taken a long time for us to reach the level of trust we have now, and it has taken some very rough times as well. But i really think we are on the brink of a deepening of our relationship in ways that neither of us may be able to predict. i am excited about it, about giving more, about You taking more, about the enslavement deepening....or the ways i can express it deepening at least.

The bottom line, for me, is that no matter what You ask of me, even if it is to feel worth nothing more than to be an animal whose sole existence is to be fucked and used as You wish....then i will be the best animal i can be, to prove my worth in that, to....yes, i think that is it.

If, at times, my worth is in nothing more than to be debased, degraded, shamed, used... then i will glory in that worth and shine in my degradation, always needing more, until You have sated Yourself in my worthlessness. So it is something that is actually positive for me, it allows me to give in a different dimension, yet i still give all i can give, strive for perfection in worthlessness, to give and to serve and to please my Owner. i may not be able to express it at the time, but i do feel it. i couldn't ever figure out why i constantly needed *more*, even when the humiliation was less severe. i think i have now, and it is purely a need to please You deeply, and for some reason if it is done at my own expense, then it is more meaningful than otherwise. You have taken my body in harsh and demanding ways, and the next ... step, for lack of a better way to say it ... is to take my emotions in equally harsh and demanding use them as You do my body, as Your instrument, Your playground, Your toy.

So, please....use Your slave as deeply, as strongly, and in as humiliating ways as You wish to, need to, Padrone. Please allow Your property the opportunity to serve You as You wish, as You need, and as You so richly deserve.

i have no idea if that makes any sense at all, Padrone, but we can talk about it of course. i think what hit me so strongly this morning is that the wall truly *is* gone, and that, at least sexually (not sure how i would handle being humiliated in "normal" conversastion yet, but i'm working on it)....there is almost literally nothing i would not do or give for Your pleasure. i love You, and i need You, and i crave Your pleasure, Padrone.

The gratitude i feel can never be fully expressed. There is no way to give back to You, to repay all You have done for me. i am a totally different woman, because of You, not merely Your ownership, but Your acceptance of who i am, and the respect You show me even though You know my secret self. You are so good to me, and i am immeasurably grateful to You, my Master, my Owner, my Padrone.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Just another day

Well, that's what it is! Of course, things have changed for me, and hence for us, since my last post. Well, the last post that wasn't deleted. :)

If i could figure out how to add images, i would add the "hiding cat" image - one of the LOLcats pics that i am crazy about! My daughter got me interested in them, and i wish i knew where to find the ones she has on her myspace. But then again, i wouldn't have any idea what to do with them once i had them, but that's beside the point. Maybe. If i even *had* a point.


i know i am rambling.

Back to changes...

Well, we no longer go to the channel online where we were regulars for a couple of years. No, i won't discuss why, but i truly believe that played a part in the most recent "downswing" of the roller coaster of emotions that exist in this slave's heart. We are in a new channel where folks don't realize just how happy with each other we are, and probably more directly related to the recent trouble....they don't realize how monogamous we are. Um...that *both* of us are. i'm glad that's over and done with, and we've moved beyond that, lessons learned, feelings hurt and recovered, and we are stronger than ever.

But the thing is, life has been hitting me pretty hard here for a while, and i finally reached a point that i simply couldn't take it any more. Things are settling down now a bit, still in limbo but reaching closure in this highly dramatic and volatile and stressful time of my life. But between living with a worker's comp claim hanging over my head, doing a job i despise beyond words, feeling stupid for having such a job with my education and potential, money worries, dad in hospital, teenage son doing stupid things and expecting mom to rescue him (as usual), mother being difficult, especially since dad is in hospital, daughter being moody and a typical teenager rather than the atypical girl i had gotten used to.....well heck, all that within two months might be enough to make even the most sane person crack.

Stress has taken its toll on my health and my sanity, but a lot of that has been resolved. i resigned from the job when worker's comp settled with me, so that solved several of the problems right there. Dad is out of the hospital and doing better. Son still calls me to rescue him of course, but the really stupid thing has been dealt with and emotionally moved beyond. Mother will always be difficult, but one of my rules is that i don't speak with her without Padrone's permission, so i don't foresee that as a problem. Daughter is a teenager, and as much as i hate it since it's just the two of us here nowadays, there will be angst and turmoil and hormones and such as a way of life. So, at the moment, she is the biggest fly in my ointment, and i won't complain about that too much.

Anyway, Padrone has suffered because of my stress, of course. i haven't been "myself" lately, and that's always difficult on a relationship. i know that more stress is coming, because change is always stressful, but i feel far better able to handle things now than i did even a couple of days ago. It's amazing what quitting a job will do, isn't it!

Padrone...well, i must reinforce that i have the most incredible Master out there. He's a good man in general, which is who i relate to most of the time, because while we are always Master and slave, we are also man and woman. We relate in more "vanilla" ways a lot of the time, of course always with the submission in the mix of things. It's there, no matter whether or not we're "feeling" it or not. It's such an ingrained part of my personality that i will always submit to Him, even when He isn't feeling especially Dominant. But He will always be dominant with me as well, even when He isn't feeling it overtly. It's just our personalities, not merely a role we play when we're in the mood, and resent playing when we're not.

Well, this morning we were talking about general things, and i finally was able to pinpoint another specific thing that makes Padrone seem different from so many other Masters. He knows what He wants, yes, and He makes sure He gets it. But His way doesn't revolve around specific actions that HE enjoys ... rather He finds out what makes *me* tick, what evokes the kind of RESPONSE He desires, and then has me do it. Of course, if it doesn't interest Him, He doesn't do it either.

For instance, when He humiliates me, it isn't as much verbally as it is in making me do things that i find embarrassing or demeaning. The task i do first thing in the morning is that way. i really hate that task, especially first thing in the morning, but i don't have a choice and i know it pleases Him, so i do it and rarely complain about it. Well, i don't complain, but when He asks, i do let Him know i don't like doing it and find it difficult. i thought that familiarity would make it less difficult, but it hasn't yet. Oh well, i guess in a way i should be glad because if it did, He might come up with something even more humiliating.

But the verbal humiliation, even the use of humiliating nicknames in chat which some find pleasing, isn't something He does typically. i know, logically, that the words He calls me in italian are very bad, very demeaning words. But since they're in italian i have no point of reference as to how bad they are, and one of them i love to *hear*, so it has become almost an endearment of sorts. So maybe that is one of those things that is for His benefit alone, after all - lol.

But the point is that i am often amazed at how...flexible He is, in so many things. His biggest demands are obedience and a submissive attitude, and even when i don't *have* a submissive attitude, that i at least speak respectfully about what has caused the problem for me. Today He gave me a respite for something that has been a long-standing rule for a long time...but He also made a requirement that replaced part of the old rule....easier for me in one way, more inconvenient in another, but it produces the results He wanted so He is happy anyway. i mean, really. How many Masters have the ability to change the status quo at the drop of a hat like that? How many have the willingness to do so? Not many, from my experience. Of course, that experience is quite old now, and probably not even valid anymore!

The thing is, i had the most unusual response to it this morning. It made me all mushy (again, as if *that's* hard to do!). Yes, i know, He got the effect, the result, He wanted, so in essence it is all about Him. But He didn't have to listen to my reasons for asking for a change, much less ask questions about it...or think of an alternate solution...or especially tell me why He wanted me to do what He wanted me to do. You know, this is kind of hard when i don't explain fully, isn't it?

He made me feel incredibly special. Absolutely unique as a slave. Highly valued in His life. So very precious....His most treasured possession. Why? Because He took me, my personality, my abilities, my reasons for asking for change, my circumstances, everything, into effect...before He added the new requirement. Look, i know that is a simple thing, but it is just a small example of His entire outlook on owning me.

i have heard it arugued that M/s is not a partnership, it is a dictatorship. i have heard that "My way or the highway" is a prevalent thought process for many Dominants. i have heard of girls struggling to change their very personalities because of the expecations of what a Dom thinks a submissive should be. i have watched and listened and talked with so many girls in the past who truly believe that they have no choice but to stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in, because they are a submissive and they "gave control" to their Dom.

But the reality of it is that this lifestyle, while unique, is comprised of *gasp* relationships. i know, shocking isn't it?

Padrone and i don't have a partnership, or a dictatorship. What we have is a relationship that expresses itself in many ways, mostly based on our opposing personality types, which complete each others' needs in a very fulfilling manner. As in every relationship, there are compromises needed, discussions, hurt feelings and working problems out. But in our relationship, the "making up" means usually means a very real, very strong, expression of the M/s dynamic. We are kinky, we are M/s, but we are humans living it. We never think about it, it just is. i am so grateful that Padrone allows our relationship to be so natural, so wonderful, so fulfilling, so easy (most of the time) easy i mean not dramatic. (Well, it has been lately because of me, but as i said, that's not typical.)

i don't have to struggle constantly, or compromise my life here, in order to live as His slave. i am a very lucky woman.

Padrone, this post is rambling, i know, and for that i apologize. i hope it makes a bit of sense, though.

Thank You for being who You are, Padrone. Thank You for pinching me so long ago. Thank You for taking the time to get to know me and to build the framework that holds me steady, so strong, yet so flexible. i am grateful that You care for me so well, and that You do all You can to allow me to give my best in all i do. i am so deeply happy to be Yours.