Sunday, May 13, 2012
Padrone and I had a conversation the other day...well, probably weeks ago by now but anyway...it was all about how he believes that only strong women can truly submit. I want to argue every time I hear that, for lots of reasons - lol. But Padrone went so far as to say that he thinks we type it wrong...it shouldn't be D/s, but rather D/S, to indicate the equality of strength required by each person in the relationship.
I didn't argue with that, for some reason.
The bottom line is that I hate to admit that I am strong. I don't want to be strong. I get so tired of pretending to be strong.
Sometimes I wish I could simply let go of responsibility and just turn things over to Padrone to handle. I wish I could take a break from being strong. I wish I could find a couple of hours/days/weeks (I'd get too bored, that's just the stress talking) where I didn't have to think of anything. No decisions beyond what to fix for dinner. No questions to answer. No situations popping up to help deal with. No kids, teachers, administration with issues. No job hunt. No school. No work. Just me, a stack of books, and Padrone.
But the fact is that I *am* a strong woman. I am getting stronger as I get more confident, which is kind of strange, but it's true. Or maybe I am just noticing it in myself, which is truly amazing when compared to the person I used to be. And the stronger I become, and the more I recognize that strength, the stronger our relationship itself becomes.
See, I have a kind of an unusual philosophy regarding relationships in general.
I believe that strong relationships depend totally on balance. I think that we all recognize that the Dominant partner in this type of relationship is typically a strong type of person. And I think that most Dominants will acknowledge the strength of submissives even if we subs don't see it in ourselves, or don't want to see it. But the reality is that if we are emotionally weak or unstable, it doesn't matter how strong our Dominant partners are...the relationship will be weakened by our weakness. Especially, in my opinion, if the "weakness" is deliberate.
I know submissive women who are looking for their "Dom in shining armor" to take them away from it all. I call these mythical creatures Calgon Doms after the commercials for Calgon bath oil from years ago when the woman begged Calgon to "take me away". Oh yes, I love to have that kind of thing now and then - who doesn't? A time of pampering myself and recharging my batteries. But as a way of living? No...I could never be the princess always in need of rescuing. Besides which, often what these subs want to escape from is actually themselves. And no amount of Domliness could ever change a person who doesn't wish to change without being forced into it.
But if the partners are relatively balanced in their emotional strength and stability, then the relationship has the potential to be strong and healthy. Balance is the key in everything, when it comes to healthy relationships.
Which means that Padrone is right, even though there are times when I simply do not want to admit it. Submissives *are* strong women, and admitting strength means that one must be strong. No excuses, no running, no shifting. Yuck.
I'd much rather leave strength to Padrone, who does it so well.
Padrone, I admire you so much, for so many things, but your wisdom and common-sense way of looking at things top the list. I am so grateful that you have guided me (intentionally or just because it is how you look at things and you simply shared your philosophies with me) into a grudging admission of my own strength, and a similarly grudging admiration of how that strength has helped me become a better submissive, mother, teacher and most of all a better woman. Thank you, Padrone, for so many things that I can't even name. The gradual way which I have learned to value myself is a direct result of how you value me and how thoroughly, and beautifully, you show me the value you place on your tesoro. (I probably got that word wrong, but you know what I mean.) Forever yours, my Padrone. Forever.
First, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!
It's been so long since I have written here that I have almost forgotten how, I think! My apologies for that, but I had another round with kidney infection, side effects of a very strong antibiotic, and finishing my last assignment for school. I am maintaining my 4.0 gpa, thank goodness, but this class was a struggle since I chose to do my exams as part of a group assignment rather than doing them on my own. The group wasn't as concerned with excellence as I was, I guess, and we barely got enough points for an A. But I still kept my A and learned quite a valuable lesson in the process!
Only 9 more days until my summer vacation starts! I am incredibly ready for it, believe me! One of those days is Fun Day for the kids (and teachers, but we're not telling the kids that!), and one is Make Up day for finals and very few, if any, students will attend that day. Two of the days are teacher inservice days and if I had any leave time left at all I would stay home for those because what is discussed will not apply to me since I won't be there next year. Oh well, I may learn something not specific to this district, so it may not be wasted time. And no, that is not what I expect - lol.
Padrone and I have both been busy, but we make time for each other as much as possible. It will, of course, be easier when I am home for the summer. Since getting the Voxer app we hare more in contact with each other, I think, and that is incredibly nice. Technology is wonderful.
My thoughts lately have been travelling along two paths it seems. I'm not sure if I can explore both paths in one post but I will try - if only to get them to stop running around my brain!
Once, Padrone told me that he likes the way he is and he won't change - for me or for anyone. Yes, it was quite arrogant, and it's truly how he is. His thoughts are that he is the Master and there is no way he will change for a submissive. And you know, I too believed that the vast majority of the changing would (and should) be done by the submissive. I mean, if the Master is changeable, then the submissive doesn't get her own needs met since consistency is a major need that most submissives have.
But, as one might imagine, change happens, even in Padrone. I think most of the changes in our relationship happens because we are changing ourselves. When we first met, most of the needs we explored were sexual in nature of course. There were other needs, but at that point the sexuality of our relationship was enough to meet most of them....as deeply as we felt comfortable trusting each other. It wasn't long before his need for control....just sheer control.....began to rise to the surface.
You know, what is amazing is that he owned a slave when we met, and he *still* needed to control my life outside our online life. And I was quite terrified and insecure when he released her because I knew of his deep need and I honestly didn't have a clue if I could meet his needs or not.
But Padrone's needs changed. He came to not need "control", but rather to control *me*. He needed my submission, my obedience, my pleasure, my pain. *mine*. Padrone changed, so our relationship changed. As I came to trust that change, it relaxed me and I was able to focus even more strongly on him and his needs.
As time passed, Padrone began to reveal himself to me, not just the "Master", but himself. With increased intimacy came more changes. He trusted, he accepted, he encouraged, he supported. He gave, he didn't just take. And when we began our relationship he would say "A happy slave serves better" when I would appreciate what he would do for me. But as time passed he simply revealed that he loves when I am happy....not for the selfish reason he once gave, but simply because I am happy.
And we have evolved into a natural type of D/s, for lack of a better way to describe it. He took so much time to get to know me and my life, and to exert his control in ways that were attainable, "do-able"...not simply create arbitrary and generic rules that didn't fit me, that our evolution has been at times almost imperceptible. What he values most is obedience, submission....not that I fit into a preconceived mold of what "a slave" or even "his slave" should be. Submission means learning what pleases him and doing my best to do so. That is his most basic expectation of me, and it always has been. He has *always* put rules into place that were for my betterment as a submissive and as a woman....not simply to ensure my development into the "perfect slave" or whatever.
His basic expectations of me have not changed, in that he still expects me to learn how best to please him and to do my best to do so. But he has become far more open, more giving, more concerned with meeting my own needs than he ever was. He has changed, in small ways that have only become apparent over a large amount of time, but the most wonderful way he has changed is that he is happier now than he has been since I have known him.
Padrone, I adore you. I am so thrilled every time it hits me that *I* make you happy. I love our relationship, I love being yours, I love your happiness with me, and I love knowing that we are bound together with the strongest cord of all. Where we are, what we have, is more than I ever dreamed I could have in my life....and making you happy is something I never truly believed I could do. But now....now, I not only dream....but I believe...I *know*....and am just as happy as you are. I can never thank you enough for being patient, consistent, loving and forgiving enough to enable us to reach this place. You are mine, I am yours, and together we are more than we are individually. And words fail me, far too often, when I consider who you are to me. I am irrevocably and undeniably yours.