Monday, June 29, 2009
Well, it has taken a while to respond, because frankly i had no time or energy to respond when i found this, and it has taken a while for me to find it again (after remembering that it existed in the first place!)
But libby at gave me a special "friends blog award" back in February! (sorry libby, i didn't mean to ignore it....that was during the time i was getting settlement, quitting my job, and all of the stuff that was involved with that)
So, i think this award has kind of made the rounds a bit, so i doubt i will follow the actual rules of the blog since the few blogs i have followed either don't qualify, or will have been tapped already.
But i *will* tell you what it is about:
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propogated. Please give more attention to these writers."
Isn't that sweet???? i am really honored, libby. Thank you.
The rules to accepting this award: "Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
As i said, it's been so long, and this kind of thing makes the rounds in blog-topia quickly, so i won't follow the rules. i guess i'll be disqualified and be stripped of the "title" now!
i've had a couple of nice things said about this blog lately, and i really appreciate everything folks have said about it.
i wonder, sometimes, if it would be difficult for someone to just "jump into" and start reading, though. i wonder if it would make sense to a new reader. So i think i'm going to do a kind of "condensed" post - restating who i am, who Padrone is, and what we do, and why this blog exists. So for those of you who are familiar with all this, please bear with me.
(i hate jumping into blogs and having to go back and read 1000 posts to figure out what they're talking about.)
i am a slave, in a long distance relationship with my Master who lives in italy. Because he is italian, i call him Padrone, the italian word for Master. We have been together for 4 years, and it is a long distance relationship for real, since i am in the US.
We have never met, but plan to eventually. We don't obsess about that, rather we really do focus on what we HAVE rather than what we don't have...and to be honest, i have grown in a lot of ways that i never could have, or that would have taken a LOT longer, if we were physically together.
i am a worrier, i over think and overanalyze things to the extreme at times, i am intelligent and intuitive and live to serve my Master.
He is easygoing for the most part, calls himself lazy, balding, older...but he is the most incredible and unique Master, and man, i have ever met. He truly "gets" what D/s is all about, and what's more....he understands enough about women to understand that accepting our differences is a huge part of understanding us!
(figure that one out. i dare ya!)
Anyway, i started this blog just as a kind of....well it was supposed to document my life as a long distance slave. And it began that way of course. But now it is as much a place for me to express D/s philosophies and thoughts, and even vent about some things now and then, as it is about the realities of being a long distance slave.
i have thought about going back and adding tags to posts, mainly to make it easier to find topics or things like that. That's a pretty time consuming project, and if i am going to do it i have to do it soon for sure.
Anyway, i try to keep this blog controversy-free, which is why there are few comments i think. i have no idea how many people read here, and i don't really care since i now type it for me, and for Padrone, but with the knowledge that it is a public blog and read by some at least.
So. That's it. Who we are, why this blog exists and what it is about, in a nutshell.
i'll probably type more later this week, one of those in-depth kinds of posts i can ramble on about forever - lol.
Padrone, thank You for owning me the way You do. Thank You for making me as incredibly happy as i work hard to make You.
i love You. i am Yours.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Well, there is not much i can type tonight, i am afraid. i'm clock-watching and that makes for a lack of imagination! Oh well, i'll make up for it next time, i promise!
A few thoughts though....
Padrone is AMAZING!
Well, y'all knew that but hey, it bears repeating!
The use tonight....begging and begging and the rush of absolute joy and gratitude at His release...the floating and sweetness afterwards....god, so needed tonight. So deeply needed.
The thing about relationships, long distance or not, is that life gets in the way at times. Maybe it seems that way more with long distance because of the limited nature of the communication....when we spend our time talking about problems or stress creating situations in our lives, we have little time or energy left over for intensity in our relationship. But that's how it is in other relationships to a degree.
i have so many thoughts running in my mind but i can't really express them in the time i have tonight, so i will leave this post with this:
Padrone, i am so amazed by what we have, how it is maintained and how it grows. Tonight has me floating in my own little world, and to be honest, a big reason typing here is difficult tonight is because i don't *want* to expose myself to anyone else right now....i just want to curl up, mentally, and dwell in the place of surrender and love and peace that is created by You...by what we have and how we express it.
i love You, my Owner. Thank You for expressing who You are tonight, in such a real and wonderful way. i am Yours.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Who would have thought that Padrone and i, living an ocean apart, would ever have had a relationship that lasted 4 years? i sure didn't realize it when we began, although i hoped devoutly!
Four years ago today our journey began when i begged, in the ancient way, three times for Padrone to increase His control in my life. He already exhibited control in our scenes, and i had found myself naturally exclusively with Him in our online world, but i yearned for more...and i learned that He wanted more as well. And so it began.
i wish i still had the logs, but i've had a couple of computers since then and the logs were lost during some of those changes, or reformats, or something. It really doesn't matter, since i remember it well.
When i think back to where we were then, and i often do simply to appreciate more where we are now, i find it amazing that Padrone didn't run screaming long ago.
But see, that's the kind of man He is. He is so committed, even when i didn't deserve it. He is so understanding...and i don't just mean that He is understanding when i have a problem, but rather that He truly understands me, what makes me tick. He took the time to get to know me as a person...my life as well as my personality, before He chose what to control and what not to control. Nobody has ever done that with me, for me. Nobody has ever simply wanted to own *me*....rather than *a slave*.
i get totally blown away when i think of all He has had to put up with in the past four years. Owning two slaves, releasing one after finding out about her deceitfulness, two of his family members with health issues, a crisis on my end, my injury, me working overnights, therapy, my kids, my ex, my changing career...every emotion from depression and despair to utter joy and amazed gratitude, love and surrender, pride and shame....and He stayed so constant...so true...so steady through it all. My rock. My strength, truly...where i learned to be strong is from watching my Owner be Himself. i'm all choked up now, so inexpressibly grateful to this man.
i love You with all that i am...all that i will ever be, is totally Yours, my Padrone.
i try so hard to express the gratitude and appreciation i feel for my Master. But i fail gloriously, no matter how well He thinks i express it. i know that i can't even begin to let Him know how deeply i feel, not only the gratitude, but the absolute...
i don't know how to word it concisely so i won't even try.
For the past four years, Padrone, You have been my life. You have taught me not only how to be a good slave for You, but also life lessons that i have been able to translate into the way i interact with others, not the least of which is how i parent. You have made a difference to me even there, even if it isn't obvious from the outside looking in.
Your patience is truly unbelievable. You have waited for me to grow and to change and to regroup after crises and to learn and to translate all of that into a more pleasing service to You. i've wondered how You have done it...i wondered if You somehow knew how i would react or the direction i would head into after growth or introspection, but now i realize that You didn't know but You realized that some things i had to do no matter what happened, and You trusted *me* enough to believe that it would all work out in the end.
Your philosophy regarding relationships is also amazing, Padrone. To think that You can keep a common sense approach towards the one You love...most people let their emotions overrule their sense, but Padrone, You have been so wonderful about realizing how relationships as a whole work, and how *i* as a person and as a slave work, and You have guided us into a place that i never dreamed possible when we began.
The things You have taught me about loving someone are things i always dreamed about but never dreamed would happen to me. Being loved, and owned....belonging to someone who truly values me and shows it in more ways that i could ever list....that is a fairy tale come true for me, Padrone.
i never take for granted what we have, who You are, or what You mean to me...or what i mean to You either. Finally i can see the two way street, Padrone. Finally i can tell in some ways, just what i mean to You as well.
You complete me, Padrone. i am more grateful than i can say to belong to You. And i know, beyond a doubt, that the future is far brighter than the past. i want to grow old with You, and still hold hands and laugh at silly jokes 20 years from now. You are my life...and You have my life, forever.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
i am slave, and while some don't really recognize my submission to Padrone since we are long distance, it is quite real.
For me, submitting is what i as a slave do, and the fact that i call myself slave means something to Padrone and myself, but not necessarily to anyone else "out there". It defines our relationship within the confines of our relationship, and the labels "Master" and "slave" are as just as much descriptive terms as "submissive" and "Dominant".
i also think that "what" is submitted is different in every relationship. For us it began with sexual things, moved into time...but more and more it became thoughts - focus. The reality is that all of those things fall under a larger umbrella... each of those things relates to the one in authority over us. The Bible says "where the heart is, there your treasure will also be" (not verbatim, but close enough). i will extend that thought to say that "where your treasure is, so will your thoughts, your words, your actions, also be". For instance, if money were your "treasure", then you'd spend your time thinking about it, talking about it or what it can buy, and acting in ways to either spend it or make more of it. It would control your thoughts, your words, your actions. You would have submitted to its authority, in a sense.
When it comes to people, it is much the same, although the authority is real and one isn't usually seen as "obsessed" because of talking about one's partner all the time! Padrone has my heart, i have His, and so our focus is on each other in many, many ways, and expressed through our personalities. We have learned about ourselves enough to know what we need out of a relationship, and how we need to be loved and to love....and the way we express those needs and that love is through M/s. For me, specifically, i have given authority over my thoughts, my words, my actions, to the one who needs the responsibility of that kind of authority over me - my Padrone.
It didn't begin that way of course...
One thing that has changed for me as slave, is that my focus has gradually sharpened more and more on pleasing Padrone. Yes, i have rules and regulations that are a part of my day, things i am expected to do or to complete, with consequences if they aren't done as they should be. But the things that are valued most highly are the things that i freely give....what Padrone calls "spontaneous acts of submission".
Those are things i do or say that are not only above and beyond what is expected of me, but they are things that show how often, how strongly, my thoughts are on Him throughout my daily life. He enjoys being the focus of my life, and i love to know that He is pleased by me.
Yes, the terminology "ownership" is a part of our relationship. And that means that i do, indeed, belong to Him. He has authority over every part of my life, but He chooses not to micromanage - He has no need to do so, and that kind of ownership suits my submissive needs perfectly. (Which is really nice, i think!) i do realize that when we are together, it is a given that His ownership, His control, will change in many ways, but that will be good. Our circumstances will have changed and must be reflected in changed dynamics in the relationship. Well maybe not changed dynamics, but the way the dynamics are expressed.
i guess that is what it means to me to be slave, and what a Master does that makes Him Master.
What i ultimately surrender isn't my free will, as so many would have us believe. What i surrender is authority over my life. He has the right, as my Master, to use that authority in whatever areas He would wish to control. He has the respect for me, not only as His slave, but as a woman and a mother, to not control things that have the potential to create havoc in our relationship, like my kids, or where i work (although if i am offered more than one job i have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that i will ask, even if covertly, for Him to tell me which one to take...and i have absolutely no doubt that He will listen to me list pros and cons of each job, and give input, ask questions, and leave the ultimate decision to me).
It is the authority that is given, and used, that makes me slave. It is how He chooses to use that authority that makes Him such a wonderful Master. Or that is the bottom line in my opinion.
i love having someone there to validate my decisions, if i have to make decisions. Like going to my parents' house this week after they had a sudden and unexpected crisis. i *wanted* to go, but i *didn't* want to deal with my mother, but i knew that i really should go....when i called Padrone, He basically asked when i was leaving. Such a huge relief to know that my decision to put myself into an upsetting position, and potentially more upsetting than it normally would be due to the relationship between my mother and me...was indeed, the right decision to make. i would have worried and worried without His affirming that, and i am grateful for the peace i felt for doing simply what had to be done.
All of the sex is wonderful, the surrender to His will that i experience with pain, pleasure, torture, torment, service. i love His orgasms, i love the power that surges through me as HE becomes more and more powerful through my ever-deepening surrender. But the daily expression of "slave" and "Master" in our relationship can be defined as His authority, my obedience, and that we have both chosen to control or submit to the point that now it is natural and wonderful and something we don't have any choice over any longer. It's nice to be here.
Padrone, i love to show You how i feel with my actions, my surrender, my daily obedience. i love that You are so absolutely perfect for me, in so many ways that i have yet to try to understand, much less explain. i love that You trust me, and that You show that trust through giving me the freedom to live as normal a life as an owned slave can. i love that You give me the freedom to spotaneously submit - that my days aren't so structured that i have no leeway to surprise You or offer something out of the ordinary in terms of surrender.
Thank You for being the man You are, Padrone. Thank You for loving me so wonderfully, so deeply, so totally. You are my world....even...especially ... when life interferes.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Yep, i'm a weed. Or i was. i have to wonder what a weed "becomes", but that's so much a "chicken and egg" question that even *i* will leave that one alone!
But i came across a quote of Ralph Waldo Emerson that made me think:
And what is a weed?
A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.
All my life i have felt like a weed. Or an ugly duckling if you prefer - same difference to me. i realize that a huge reason i have felt that way was because i compared myself with others, but i have had no other point of reference regarding what was "normal", behavior wise or relationship wise, and so comparison is a part of my life.
i was raised with two brothers - one of which could do no wrong, and the other who didn't give a flying flip what anyone thought of him so everyone gave up on any expectations of him, but still spoiled him relentlessly just to keep him from leaving/having a tantrum/being abusive. Now i, on the other hand, was the girl to a mother who never wanted girls. i wasn't even a cute baby or a cute little girl - no redeeming qualities at all. i was second fiddle in intelligence to my older brother, and couldn't even compete with my younger brother in any way because he was fulfilling all the negative expectations of him, and that was the problem for me. i was the one who had to be the "good girl"....seen and not heard (yeah right).
i was the weed in a family of plants. (i won't say flowers because even *i* can't twist my thoughts that far!)
In the extended family, i was the older cousin to all the other girls, but they all were cuter, more popular, less shy, and less concerned with what others thought of them. They have gone on to be happily married, or not so happily married...to have productive careers and lots of friends and still in the family fold. i am not, for reasons i won't disclose here, but again....the weed among flowers (most of them anyway).
In school, i followed my brothers, both of whom are highly intelligent, although the younger is lazy as the day is long. i won't ever forget one of my teachers saying it was a shame that my eldest brother was the only one who would ever amount to anything, since he was the only one who won tons of awards on senior awards day. My friends were brothers and sisters of *their* friends, and because of my personality i never made the impact they did, and so i was never really....i don't know, it was like i faded into the background.
i am the girl most folks forget was in their class, or in their school.
College was no different. i was told that i had no choice where i went to college (which wouldn't have changed my mind, i loved where i went)....but again, it was because my brother was there, and i got a scholarship that paid almost the full amount for all 4 years of school. Things never changed for me until my brother left and i was there by myself. Then i began to emerge, just a bit. But after then i didn't have the confidence to do anything with my education and so i moved back home to help my parents with the restaurant they owned. Yeah. i know.
i got married to the first man who asked me, more for an escape than anything else. i say that now, but then i thought i was madly in love and this man was going to love me forever and be good to me and all that crap. Marriage to that abusive jerk did nothing but make me withdraw further into myself.....more and more a weed. He isolated me by mocking the friends i made, and i only have one good friend now, and that was because i told HIM that i needed her to babysit when we were married, and now that we're divorced we can be friends without lying about it. But she is a wonderful woman....kind and generous and caring and a good housekeeper and every kid in the neighborhood's second mom. i don't measure up to her in a lot of ways either, although with us it doesn't seem to matter.
Even in BDSM i have felt like a weed for so long. When i first got into it, i had no clue about anything of course, and i read so many things that i confused myself royally. Then i met a Dom, and i *felt* what i had only DREAMED was possible - true submission! Of course he was very up front about the fact that he only wanted to play now and then and didn't want any kind of relationship, but that was fine with me. He would talk about his other partners, not often, but often enough that guess what...i felt like the weed once again, since they were far more experienced and could "take" far more than i could and "do" more than i could, etc. It went on that way for a long, long time, online and rl....i seemed to only attract the jerks, while the other girls i knew were shining examples of submissiveness...so many wonderful, witty, submissive girls! And on it went until i met Padrone.
It's probably no wonder that i felt second best to His other slave, i guess it was inevitable. But i had the idea that i was the whore He wanted, while she was His love, and of course...i was the weed, she was the flower! All my life, i have been surrounded, whether in reality or imagination, by productive, healthy, far more worthwhile plants. i have been the worthless weed, yanked from everyone's garden at some point or other.
My point in this is not to make myself seem a pitiful person, although when i think back i really do wish i could go back and start over as the person i am now.
That's because i have finally stopped being a weed.
So many of the things i have always seen as undesirable...the things i realized turned many people off...i have learned to understand are highly valuable and beautiful in Padrone's eyes. And the thing is...it's no longer *just* Padrone that values them anymore. i have learned to accept that i am different from most of the people around me, and being different does nothing to diminish my value or worth. i *am* a woman with many desirable traits, most of which i had always seen as negative all my life.
- i need to be controlled, but not just by anyone. That's something i never really understood before but if i don't respect the person who tries to control me, i feel nothing but contempt for them.
- i need to love unconditionally, with all that i am. When you think about it, that's a lot of pressure on the one loved. This means i forgive easily as well, and typically take blame for others' mistakes, unless there is no way i can. *not so positive but i'm working on it*
- i give my all to every relationship i am in, whether friendship, parent, or slave. Because of this, i am hurt easily by people, but i have learned not to let it show. It takes someone who *needs* my all, for this to be a positive.
- i truly live to please Padrone, but that has also been part of every relationship i have ever been a part of. i *need* to feel that another person needs me in their life to be happy.
- i am extremely emotional. Kind of an odd combination with my highly analytical nature, but there you go.
- i *have* to know the why of everything, although i am getting a little better about this one. It's a fear-induced need, of course, so maybe that just means the fears are calming?
- my self-esteem hasn't ever been as important to me as how others see me. i would tell others it is wrong to feel this way, but truthfully i couldn't ever have gained any confidence in myself whatsoever had Padrone not begun to share how He sees me and what He values about me. It has taken years but i finally understand that He only sees what is there for Him *to* see.
-i am very romantic, although not in the traditional sense. i love romantic gestures, just like most people do. But for me, romance is found not only in the traditional sense, but also in unexpected ways. This was a negative because i would always misinterpret "everyday" actions as "romantic". i had a red face a lot before i met Padrone.
- i am possessive, and that *can* be a problem even now, but i am working on it. But Padrone is *my* Padrone, and our relationship is one that i would give everything i am to protect. That's not a bad thing, i just need to tone it down a little bit - *grin*
There are so many more things that i have had to learn to accept as positives rather than negatives about myself. My emotion-led behaviors made me seem volatile and unpredictable so often, i know. i came across as pushy and demanding and smartass....DESPERATE, when i was merely trying to ... make sure nobody saw the real me, because pushy and demanding and smartass ... even desperate....were far less unattractive than what i knew was deep inside me.
Padrone said the other day that i do a very good job of hiding who i really am, and i wasn't sure what to make of it, and to be honest i still am not sure. But it's not something i worry about (believe it or not!), because i am allowed the privilege of only worrying about how best to please and serve my Master. i will probably always compare myself with others, but i know it isn't necessary for me to learn how to behave any longer. i know that i have learned from the best person i could possibly learn from, and finally i can accept that i am acceptable, as i am.
Who i AM is acceptable, not just HOW i am. i finally "get" that i am not a typical submissive woman, nor am i a typical slave, and so all my efforts to act like a "normal" submissive or slave would, were for naught. i am me, and that is all Padrone wants, and all He needs. i do, finally, "get it".
Padrone, i don't have any idea if this post makes sense or not, and i apologize deeply if it doesn't, because it's really a tribute to You that i have learned that i am not a weed. All that i am, and all that i have, i can finally agree, is Your fiore del sud....southern flower. i could never thank You enough for peeling back the layers of the weed to reveal the flower beneath....not to others....but to me.
Thank You, my Padrone. Just thank You.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
As i was typing that last post, i discovered something about myself.
i really *am* a strong person.
i am strong enough to raise two teenagers in today's society and have them turn out halfway decent.
i am strong enough to overcome a past riddled with pain and guilt and heartache and shame, and be a positive role model for people in my community and my church.
i am strong enough to stick by what i believe in, and strong enough to have searched myself to *discover* what i believe in.
i am strong enough to change careers in the middle of my life.
i am strong enough to begin again, fears and all.
i am strong enough to understand that, no matter how debilitating they may seem, fears are guides into strength and courage.
i am strong enough to know that emotions aren't the enemy, but sometimes the way they are expressed can be.
i am strong enough to know that silence is often far more golden than we give it credit for being.
i am strong enough to hold my tongue.
i am strong enough to show respect for those that i don't respect, knowing that my actions reflect upon me alone.
i am strong enough to have secrets, to know that sharing them isn't always the best route, even if conventional wisdom may say it is....and no matter who is curious enough to want me to share them.
i am strong enough to know that i don't want to be strong all the time, but strong enough to know that i may have to be.
i am strong enough to trust my Master.
And i am strong enough to have earned His deep trust as well.
That means more to me, and reveals more to me about myself, than anything else i could have learned. i could go on and on, now, about ways i show my strength, but nothing matters except that i am strong enough to gently, tenderly, lovingly hold my Master's heart.
Yes. i am totally blown away. Thank You, Padrone, for Your trust, for Your faith in me, and for Your patience for me to see things from a different perspective. You really are so absolutely wonderful to me, and i am incredibly grateful for Your caring and absolute ownership. i am Yours, so wonderfully Yours, mio meraviglioso Padrone.
So, yes, a Master assumes a deep level of responsibility for his slave when he collars her, i guess that's kind of a safe, and universal, assumption to make in regards to the kinds of relationships we embark upon.
But we give it to them, as we give control and authority to them. It's not a sudden, dramatic gesture "i'm the Master, i'm totally responsible for everything that happens to you from this moment on, because i control every move you make, and don't you forget it!!" Well, for some it may be that way, but for those of us who take this seriously and understand that we need a relationship of control and submission in order to be truly happy, then it doesn't work that way.
And while i understand that dynamic as best i can, what has really made me thoughtful over the past few days is the knowledge that we, as slaves, have as much of a responsibility towards our Master as they do towards us. It is merely expressed in a different way, and is far more difficult to see and understand. It's a very subtle dynamic when it works, and incredibly damaging to a relationship when it doesn't. What do i mean?
Well, i mean that we are as responsible for making our Masters happy as they are for keeping us safe and protected.
Think about this. When we, especially women (and especially american women) talk about being in love......or tell a man "i love you"...what we typically mean is "i have finally found someone who makes me amazingly happy and i just KNOW he's gonna make me happy forEVER! Oh man, look what i found! Yes, he is mine and i'm never letting him go!!!!
Oh yeah. i know. Ick.
Anyway, we just seem to forget what we're supposed to do when a man, especially a Master, gives us a piece of himself. What are we supposed to do with it? A lot of times we overlook it, and focus on obedience, on serving, on pleasing, on communication, on all the things that we know he wants from us. We don't want to be responsible for him, that's why we give responsibility for *ourselves* away *to* him! So often we see *that* as our ultimate responsibility to our Master - obedience and thoughtfulness and consideration and making him happy. Yes, we do those things as a way to express our personalities, our love, our joy, our gratitude, our appreciation for what we have, for who we have, for how happy he makes us.
But the reality is that, especially as time passes, our Masters are as vulnerable to "matters of the heart" as we are. Crazy isn't it?
Padrone opens himself up to me. He not only shows me parts of his personality that others don't see....shows me parts of himself nobody else knows about...and enjoys an intimacy with me that neither of us has ever before experienced....but as a necessity of those things, he makes himself vulnerable to me....more and more so as time has passed, of course, as he has learned to trust me to keep his heart as safe as he keeps mine. He not only wants me to open myself to him, as i thought for a long time.....i saw him as...taking what he wished from me, holding it safe and protected, and he does that quite well. But he also gives himself *to* me... filling the hole left by what he takes....with bits of himself...for me to keep safe and protected.
And that is my responsibility. i owe him my strength, my protection, my pride. i am obligated by love, by joy, by happiness, treat his heart as the treasure it is... and what an honor to be loved by such a man. i often focus on how he makes *me* feel...too often i think. i get so focused on my own emotions and the frustration of not feeling that i express them adequately. i adore when he tells me how he feels, and i need it, and i deeply appreciate it...i revel in it, i feel like a princess when he lets me know his emotions, not only because they are good towards me, but because i am deeply honored that he opens up to talk with me like that.
But i finally realize just what an honor that is, and with great honor comes great responsibility. i finally realize just exactly how my words and actions have affected him, and still affect him. And i have finally, over the course of the past few weeks, come to understand that i *do* have a responsibility to him, regarding everything in my life, not just the things i would prefer to be responsible for.
i know this is a vague topic, a vague post, Padrone. But i don't think i can really explain how i feel about this. The issue we had a few weeks ago, the miscommunication and misunderstanding, began to open my eyes about.... not only what i type here and how i type it, but even deeper things....that my words and actions really do affect You more than i ever dreamed, and yes, i am responsible for holding Your heart safe and protected...the bits of You that You have entrusted me with....and that means not only in active obedience and service, but also in less overt ways, like clear communication about emotions, thoughts, preferences, likes, dislikes, needs, inabilities....everything that affects me, also affects us. And that is what You need to know.
i think i finally get it, Padrone, or at least the bit i should have gotten by now. One thing i really value highly about our relationship is that we change and grow, albiet at a wonderfully slow pace most of the time nowadays, but that change and growth means that we will never fully "get it"...there is always something to learn, to experience, to understand about each other and about how we work. i am so deeply grateful to belong to You, my Master, and give all i have to the only one i trust to keep me safe.
i love You. i am Yours.