On Being a Weed

Yep, i'm a weed. Or i was. i have to wonder what a weed "becomes", but that's so much a "chicken and egg" question that even *i* will leave that one alone!

But i came across a quote of Ralph Waldo Emerson that made me think:

And what is a weed?
A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.

All my life i have felt like a weed. Or an ugly duckling if you prefer - same difference to me. i realize that a huge reason i have felt that way was because i compared myself with others, but i have had no other point of reference regarding what was "normal", behavior wise or relationship wise, and so comparison is a part of my life.

i was raised with two brothers - one of which could do no wrong, and the other who didn't give a flying flip what anyone thought of him so everyone gave up on any expectations of him, but still spoiled him relentlessly just to keep him from leaving/having a tantrum/being abusive. Now i, on the other hand, was the girl to a mother who never wanted girls. i wasn't even a cute baby or a cute little girl - no redeeming qualities at all. i was second fiddle in intelligence to my older brother, and couldn't even compete with my younger brother in any way because he was fulfilling all the negative expectations of him, and that was the problem for me. i was the one who had to be the "good girl"....seen and not heard (yeah right).

i was the weed in a family of plants. (i won't say flowers because even *i* can't twist my thoughts that far!)

In the extended family, i was the older cousin to all the other girls, but they all were cuter, more popular, less shy, and less concerned with what others thought of them. They have gone on to be happily married, or not so happily married...to have productive careers and lots of friends and still in the family fold. i am not, for reasons i won't disclose here, but again....the weed among flowers (most of them anyway).

In school, i followed my brothers, both of whom are highly intelligent, although the younger is lazy as the day is long. i won't ever forget one of my teachers saying it was a shame that my eldest brother was the only one who would ever amount to anything, since he was the only one who won tons of awards on senior awards day. My friends were brothers and sisters of *their* friends, and because of my personality i never made the impact they did, and so i was never really....i don't know, it was like i faded into the background.

i am the girl most folks forget was in their class, or in their school.

College was no different. i was told that i had no choice where i went to college (which wouldn't have changed my mind, i loved where i went)....but again, it was because my brother was there, and i got a scholarship that paid almost the full amount for all 4 years of school. Things never changed for me until my brother left and i was there by myself. Then i began to emerge, just a bit. But after then i didn't have the confidence to do anything with my education and so i moved back home to help my parents with the restaurant they owned. Yeah. i know.

i got married to the first man who asked me, more for an escape than anything else. i say that now, but then i thought i was madly in love and this man was going to love me forever and be good to me and all that crap. Marriage to that abusive jerk did nothing but make me withdraw further into myself.....more and more a weed. He isolated me by mocking the friends i made, and i only have one good friend now, and that was because i told HIM that i needed her to babysit when we were married, and now that we're divorced we can be friends without lying about it. But she is a wonderful woman....kind and generous and caring and a good housekeeper and every kid in the neighborhood's second mom. i don't measure up to her in a lot of ways either, although with us it doesn't seem to matter.

Even in BDSM i have felt like a weed for so long. When i first got into it, i had no clue about anything of course, and i read so many things that i confused myself royally. Then i met a Dom, and i *felt* what i had only DREAMED was possible - true submission! Of course he was very up front about the fact that he only wanted to play now and then and didn't want any kind of relationship, but that was fine with me. He would talk about his other partners, not often, but often enough that guess what...i felt like the weed once again, since they were far more experienced and could "take" far more than i could and "do" more than i could, etc. It went on that way for a long, long time, online and rl....i seemed to only attract the jerks, while the other girls i knew were shining examples of submissiveness...so many wonderful, witty, submissive girls! And on it went until i met Padrone.

It's probably no wonder that i felt second best to His other slave, i guess it was inevitable. But i had the idea that i was the whore He wanted, while she was His love, and of course...i was the weed, she was the flower! All my life, i have been surrounded, whether in reality or imagination, by productive, healthy, far more worthwhile plants. i have been the worthless weed, yanked from everyone's garden at some point or other.

My point in this is not to make myself seem a pitiful person, although when i think back i really do wish i could go back and start over as the person i am now.

That's because i have finally stopped being a weed.

So many of the things i have always seen as undesirable...the things i realized turned many people off...i have learned to understand are highly valuable and beautiful in Padrone's eyes. And the thing is...it's no longer *just* Padrone that values them anymore. i have learned to accept that i am different from most of the people around me, and being different does nothing to diminish my value or worth. i *am* a woman with many desirable traits, most of which i had always seen as negative all my life.

- i need to be controlled, but not just by anyone. That's something i never really understood before but if i don't respect the person who tries to control me, i feel nothing but contempt for them.

- i need to love unconditionally, with all that i am. When you think about it, that's a lot of pressure on the one loved. This means i forgive easily as well, and typically take blame for others' mistakes, unless there is no way i can. *not so positive but i'm working on it*

- i give my all to every relationship i am in, whether friendship, parent, or slave. Because of this, i am hurt easily by people, but i have learned not to let it show. It takes someone who *needs* my all, for this to be a positive.

- i truly live to please Padrone, but that has also been part of every relationship i have ever been a part of. i *need* to feel that another person needs me in their life to be happy.

- i am extremely emotional. Kind of an odd combination with my highly analytical nature, but there you go.

- i *have* to know the why of everything, although i am getting a little better about this one. It's a fear-induced need, of course, so maybe that just means the fears are calming?

- my self-esteem hasn't ever been as important to me as how others see me. i would tell others it is wrong to feel this way, but truthfully i couldn't ever have gained any confidence in myself whatsoever had Padrone not begun to share how He sees me and what He values about me. It has taken years but i finally understand that He only sees what is there for Him *to* see.

-i am very romantic, although not in the traditional sense. i love romantic gestures, just like most people do. But for me, romance is found not only in the traditional sense, but also in unexpected ways. This was a negative because i would always misinterpret "everyday" actions as "romantic". i had a red face a lot before i met Padrone.

- i am possessive, and that *can* be a problem even now, but i am working on it. But Padrone is *my* Padrone, and our relationship is one that i would give everything i am to protect. That's not a bad thing, i just need to tone it down a little bit - *grin*

There are so many more things that i have had to learn to accept as positives rather than negatives about myself. My emotion-led behaviors made me seem volatile and unpredictable so often, i know. i came across as pushy and demanding and smartass....DESPERATE, when i was merely trying to ... make sure nobody saw the real me, because pushy and demanding and smartass ... even desperate....were far less unattractive than what i knew was deep inside me.

Padrone said the other day that i do a very good job of hiding who i really am, and i wasn't sure what to make of it, and to be honest i still am not sure. But it's not something i worry about (believe it or not!), because i am allowed the privilege of only worrying about how best to please and serve my Master. i will probably always compare myself with others, but i know it isn't necessary for me to learn how to behave any longer. i know that i have learned from the best person i could possibly learn from, and finally i can accept that i am acceptable, as i am.

Who i AM is acceptable, not just HOW i am. i finally "get" that i am not a typical submissive woman, nor am i a typical slave, and so all my efforts to act like a "normal" submissive or slave would, were for naught. i am me, and that is all Padrone wants, and all He needs. i do, finally, "get it".


Padrone, i don't have any idea if this post makes sense or not, and i apologize deeply if it doesn't, because it's really a tribute to You that i have learned that i am not a weed. All that i am, and all that i have, i can finally agree, is Your fiore del sud....southern flower. i could never thank You enough for peeling back the layers of the weed to reveal the flower beneath....not to others....but to me.

Thank You, my Padrone. Just thank You.