Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Thinking and Thinking

So much has happened with Padrone and me lately, and I want to type it out but I don't know where to start! I guess I will begin with the newest rule Padrone has given me.

My collar is one which I cannot wear all the time, for various reasons. And Padrone has never been that concerned with me wearing it or not - it has been available whenever he has wanted me to put it on. But now I have a new rule - to wear my collar whenever I am home and don't have people around. That's totally new, and I am grateful for it!

Since school has been out, I've been in a bit of an introspective mood in general, I guess. Since getting my Masters, I have come to a crossroads in my career and I admit that I am totally unsure of how and where to go from here. But Padrone is so good at seeing things so clearly, and we talked for a bit yesterday and that helped tremendously! I still have a lot of thinking to do, of course, but I am not chasing so many rabbits as I was, thank goodness!

We keep getting closer and closer. It amazes me so often, in such a good way. I will miss this man next week, when our communication is limited because of vacations. And for the first time in several years, I am not taking courses over the summer (still feels strange), so we will have more time than usual all summer long. That feels so good, except I won't have much to talk about - lol.

Padrone, most of what I have wanted to say to you lately I have said via email, so you know my deepest thoughts of course. You know my worries and my scattered thoughts, and you know how safe and guided I feel with your very wonderful control. I love how well our lives, our desires, and our needs seem to fit together, except when my horniness fades so suddenly - lol. Bottom line, I love *you* and am so grateful to be yours, forever. Grazie, il Padrone mio.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Beating the Drum

I was thinking of my students today, on the last day of school with them. I have been hugged, received hand-written notes, and given sweet little gifts for a couple of weeks, as my leaving hit them in waves and at different times. Each of them dealt with the future without me in their lives in totally different ways. The tough boy who gave me hell at the first of the year literally clung to me - literally - and cried when he said goodbye. Some tended to ignore it until their last day then they hugged and got emotional, showing it in vastly different ways. One gave me a rose and kissed my cheek (he's 10 years old, get your mind outta the gutter!). One wouldn't look at me at all. One gave me the "gift" of good behavior for an entire class period! One gave me a picture every day for several days. So many ways to let me know that I have made an impact in their young lives, each one as unique as the child who offered it.

Each one as unique as my relationship with the young person himself.

My students often march to the beat of different drummers, and while I am sometimes able to lead them in a melodious tune, pleasing to those who judged us based on their behaviors, often I was simply the ineffective conductor futilely trying to get off-key instruments to find any tune at all. They each have their own sets of challenges, of circumstances, and of abilities - and there are some things which will not change no matter how much I would love to change it for them. But after all, who am *I* to make those decisions for them? They have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters - loved ones who raise them the best they can, given their knowledge, finances, and belief systems.

And so, while I would make different choices for them if I were the one who controlled their lives, it is ultimately none of my business how they live, as long as they are in school and striving to learn the academics which it is my job to teach.

Some of my kids will grow up to live on welfare. That is not a judgment, it is a very realistic expectation based upon their abilities and the values that have been taught to them. Several of them will grow up to have nice productive lives with jobs that enable them to have a decent living. Some will get a 2 year degree or vocational trade training, and one or two may even graduate from a 4 year degree. It will depend upon choices they make, options they see, and belief in themselves and their abilities. I have done all I could in this one year to be able to show them possibilities rather than hindrances, but now the baton has passed to other teachers. I hope they don't drop it and allow the circle of dependence to continue, at least for those who have the ability to go beyond what they have ever dreamed they could do.

But all I could do during the time they were mine is to love them, correct them, and believe in them. Now I will remember them and pray for them with fondness.

But what really struck me today was how easy it is to accept that each of my students marches to their own drummer, and to relate to each individual student in unique ways. I believe with all my heart that it is that ability to accept and adjust that has allowed me to be the slave I am to Padrone, even though we have never met physically. See, touch is nice, but it is simply touch. Intimacy is far more wonderful than a physical touch, and can be gained in so many ways that have nothing to do with physicality. I became, for several months, one of the most important people in my students' lives simply because I loved them and opened my heart and mind to them. I do the same, on a much deeper level of course, with Padrone. So our drumbeat is a bit different from that of a "typical" relationship. Whatever our beat is, it makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.

Padrone, one more time (I hope) for the job hunt. Thank you for being so incredibly understanding of all that goes on here. Your support has led me to believe even more fully in myself, and has eased a lot of the worry that has always been such an intrinsic part of my life. No matter how I long to be with you physically, I would never trade what we have together for any physical relationship! I am yours, no matter the geographical circumstances, my heart, mind, and body are totally and forever yours. I adore you with all that I am, my Padrone, and all that I will become. Simply and wonderfully yours.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Yesterday's Post

****I wrote this yesterday but my internet failed me and I had to wait until now to post.****

Just spent a wonderful day with my adult children. It was so nice - the first I have shared with both of them in quite some time. Daughter had to work but son and I went to eat so she could wait on us (lucky her). But it wasn't long until she came home and we hung pictures and laughed and talked and just had a wonderful time! I left earlier than I might have otherwise, but she had friends coming over and he had plans with a girl he's "talking to", and it must be just about a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy one, I guess) because he actually told me about her - lol.

So only one more week of work, and 1.6 more days of school with the kids. I'm ready for it to be finished, so I can rest, relax, and enjoy my summer off! I am truly enjoying being a teacher. I love seeing the students where they are now, and realizing where they came from, and accepting that at least a large portion of their growth has come about as a result of my influence upon them. It is an absolutely wonderful feeling, and so fulfilling. It was worth waiting all these years to experience, for sure.

So I haven't had a chance to talk with Padrone today other than a few voxer messages and I miss him. But now that we've been together almost 8 years I think missing seeing each other is not the end of the world. :) He'll be going out of town soon, and I'll be going to my parents' while he is gone so our crazy schedules will be crazy within the same time frame. Then I wait to see if I'll be allowed to go to the beach again this year or not. I loved the beach itself last year, but being confined and expected to spend so much time with a big group of people is not my idea of fun. I love these people, but didn't know how to say no when I didn't want to do stuff. That means, of course, that I either spend a lot of time alone or doing stuff I don't particularly care to do. Oh well, it's my own problem, and one that I hope to discuss with the matriarch of the family if Padrone allows me to go!

Padrone put the punishment back into our relationship after I begged for it, as I mentioned a few weeks ago. Last week he reinstated the "punishment jar" idea (but mine is in a jewelry box). He came up with several punishments with different focuses - mental, physical, humiliation - and I wrote them down on small slips of paper and put them in the box. When I need to be punished above the "smaller" punishments, what I will do is to pick one from the box and then do whatever it says. They are NOT easy to do, in any way, which is the definition of punishment in the first place. They are also a very real deterrent and preventive measure, because they are in my mind and the box is a physical reminder of the consequences of disobedience. I hate being punished even more than Padrone hates punishing me, so it is my hope that I never mess up badly enough to have to suffer those particular consequences.

Padrone, I am so grateful for your control, even when you don't feel it overtly. Our conversation about that is still in the fertile recesses of my mind, and I'm sure there will be a blog post about it sooner or later. Thank you for all you do, to me, for me, with me. You are so special, Padrone, and I am one incredibly lucky and blessed woman, happier than I have ever been in my life. I love you, and I am so totally, amazingly, yours.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Another Quickie

Just a couple of things I found that I like.

Back to my little fantasy world!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Finally Made It!!!

I felt Padrone's immense pride and love for me full force yesterday. It was such a wonderful, beautiful feeling, and I was so at peace with myself, with him, with us, with life. I finally graduated yesterday with my Masters in Education! It was such a long time coming but I think that made it more worthwhile. I enjoyed my graduation day, and Padrone was able to watch me walk across the stage via online streaming, which made it even *more* special! My kids were there too, so my day was complete.

I am still job hunting again, but have had a couple of interviews so far. I still have to send applications all over the place, as usual, but it will be incredibly nice to send them with my education updated to "M.Ed."!

I'll find the right place for me, eventually. I'm not the kind of person for whom geography is all-important when it comes to commuting to and from a job. So that frees me up a bit in terms of where I am looking. I don't mind driving a half an hour, or 45 minutes to a job, or even an hour if the job is a good fit for me. I'm not too awfully concerned about it this year, for some reason.

After graduation, daughter and I went to Olive Garden and it was PACKED, but we had the best time! We laughed until we cried, and got some pics to put on Facebook so family and friends can be jealous! Son had to leave after I walked the stage so he would not be late for work since the traffic was horrendous of course!

One highlight of my day yesterday - we were in line, waiting to walk in for the ceremony, and we were chit chatting about where we were all from, etc. The woman in front of me, getting her Masters in Social Work, said "I'm from (incredibly small redneck town)and my boob is vibrating!" It took us a shocked moment to realize she had her phone in her bra!!!!

On to health news. I can't remember, and I'm too lazy to go back and check to see if I have talked about some of the "new" issues going on with me. But the last time I went to the doctor she told me she was going to run a ton of blood tests to check for just about everything. And come to find out, most of what she checked needed correcting. So I am currently taking iron tablets, B12, Synthroid for low thyroid functioning, and D3 for "pathetically low" Vitamin D levels. I was a bit surprised by that, because I live in "the tropics" as Padrone says, and while I don't drink milk, I would have thought the amount of sunshine I am exposed to daily would be enough to keep my levels up. But apparently not, and when I googled Vitamin D deficiency it was almost eerie because I had every single one of the symptoms, but attributed all of them to getting older. Even all the kidney issues I have had could be due to low VitD levels, which would be absolutely wonderful if true!

So I'll likely be on Synthroid or another thyroid medication for the rest of my life. That's alright if it helps me feel better! And I do feel better, overall. I'm more able to think clearly, and to recover when something I do requires a major amount of focus. There have been times when I have come home from work, or stopped working on my portfolio, or even after an intense scene with Padrone and I literally had to go lie down because the mental effort was physically exhausting. I thought it was stress, and I am still sure stress plays a part in it of course, but the foggy thinking has cleared for the most part, and my "sassiness" is coming back and I'm glad of those two things more than anything else.

So, other than the lovely notes my students are leaving on my boards telling me how much they will miss me, and the notes they are writing on paper that I am keeping as treasured memories of my "kids", school is going well. There are only 7 more days in the school year, and an additional 3 professional development days after that, so I have two weeks of school left until I am out for the summer! This week we have 3 days of state testing, however, so the kids cannot cruise on outta there just yet. Once they have finished the state testing, it won't matter if they return or not (the Sped kids who are self-contained) as we have already given 9 weeks tests and there will be very little for them to do, other than to help me pack and clean the room! Believe it or not, my kids LOVE doing stuff like that, and have even offered to come on the weekends if I need for them to! They are some absolutely wonderful kids, or some of them are. Some are great kids with severe behavior issues that make them more difficult to love. I know we're supposed to separate the behavior from the kid, but with some of them it is more difficult to do than with others. Just like adults.

And that brings me to another topic, one that is close to my heart. I hear often about being non-judgmental. I hear it touted as the "only" way to teach, to reach students, to relate to adults, to live life successfully. Frankly, I believe it is an absolute impossibility, and refuse to feel guilty if I make judgments about others.

See, we *all* judge, but we don't all *act* on those judgments. Even my daughter, who is probably the person who would reflect the least judgment of anyone you would ever meet in your life, agrees with me. Even she judges, she says, but she tries very hard not to act in a judgmental manner. It is as Padrone has always told me, our behavior that others see and will react to, not our feelings.

So in my teaching, I try hard to hug even the most problematic kid, and to smile at the one who likely got me into more trouble by HIS behavior than any other student in my classes, and to "hang out" at the desk of the shy quiet kids who need a bit of extra attention, and to compliment the students who are motivated to push themselves harder than they ever have, and...well, you get the idea. I love all my kids, but there are a few whose behaviors drive me absolutely insane and I honestly wish they were not in my class. And yes, they know that I don't like their behaviors, but they do NOT know that I wish they were not in my class. And I am always quite careful to make sure they know that I love THEM even if I don't like their behaviors!

Call me judgmental if you want to. :)

Padrone, thank you for all you have done to enable me to get my Masters. I would never have even begun the process without your urging me to do so in the first place. So long ago ... getting my teachers license ... I was terrified, nervous, scared to fail, and totally overwhelmed. Such a shoulder you offered me even though you knew nothing about the topics I was stressed about, you were able to help me see the forest for the trees and focus on the big picture instead of getting caught up in minutiae. Since then, all the upsets, the tears, the struggles would likely have stopped the process entirely if it had not been for you. Tears are streaming down my face now as I strive to find the words to tell you just how large a part of my successes you have played, because while I know you realize you have been a major influence, I don't think you realize that you were often the only reason I persevered.

Hearing your pride, feeling the love and pride from you yesterday and even still today, has made it all worthwhile. That, my love, is my greatest reward. Thank you, my Padrone. I am yours.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Long Distance Life

I miss that man so much lately!

Everything is fine between us, and frankly we've been talking as much as usual, but I miss what I have never had with him - physical touch. I don't often crave it like I have lately, but since we have been so emotionally close, it has almost automatically transcended into the desire for physical closeness. I tell him how much I would love to touch him often, but more often it doesn't even need to be said. It simply is.

And of course when life gets in the way and we cannot talk as usual, it makes me miss him even more!

I don't have a lot to write today, about D/s I mean. It is, it fulfills, it satisfies us as it always has - long distance or not. Long distance is not easy, by any means, but it is extremely possible and worthwhile with the right people committed to each other enough to do what it takes to make it work. I am devoutly grateful that Padrone has shown his commitment repeatedly, and that he sees mine equally as often. We are balanced in need, commitment, desires and kinkiness, which is probably one of the most important factors in our successful relationship. Let's' face it, if we had not been so balanced (or at least been able to find and maintain that balance) then there is no way we could have stayed together as long as we have! It is almost 8 years that I have worn this man's collar, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. That is saying something, considering we have never even met!

I took the day off work today to go job hunting. I graduate a week from tomorrow, and I am SOOOOOOOOO excited! I feel as if I have been working towards this day for longer than the 3 years it has taken for me to get here, but once I get that degree (and the raise), it will be totally worth it all!

I feel a lot more optimistic and confident about being hired again next year now that I actually talked with some people. I've reached the point that I'm not going to beg for a job, but I'll do my best to be hired. I've learned a lot about what type of school fits with how I teach, and it is vitally important that I find a good fit. My casual, cooperative learning, small group, borderline chaotic methods do not fit with the high-discipline, almost militaristic attitude of the current administration where I teach. So life goes on, job hunt moves forward!

And, I have also been diagnosed with low everything, it seems. I have low iron, B12, thyroid function and Vitamin D levels. So I've started supplements and will hopefully begin B12 shots tomorrow too, and synthroid as well. The thyroid thing runs in my family so I wasn't so surprised by that. I was, however, surprised by the rest. But it should not be very long until I feel much better and can stay up past 7:30 pm! (actually not joking)

Padrone, you incredible loving man, all I can say is that I am the luckiest girl in the whole USA (old song, sorry. Daughter hates when I turn everything into a song, but guess who does it herself now? Muahaahaaa). Yes, I'm rambling. Yes, I can hear you laughing. :)

I am all yours, silliness and all, you lucky man you!!!