Beating the Drum

I was thinking of my students today, on the last day of school with them. I have been hugged, received hand-written notes, and given sweet little gifts for a couple of weeks, as my leaving hit them in waves and at different times. Each of them dealt with the future without me in their lives in totally different ways. The tough boy who gave me hell at the first of the year literally clung to me - literally - and cried when he said goodbye. Some tended to ignore it until their last day then they hugged and got emotional, showing it in vastly different ways. One gave me a rose and kissed my cheek (he's 10 years old, get your mind outta the gutter!). One wouldn't look at me at all. One gave me the "gift" of good behavior for an entire class period! One gave me a picture every day for several days. So many ways to let me know that I have made an impact in their young lives, each one as unique as the child who offered it.

Each one as unique as my relationship with the young person himself.

My students often march to the beat of different drummers, and while I am sometimes able to lead them in a melodious tune, pleasing to those who judged us based on their behaviors, often I was simply the ineffective conductor futilely trying to get off-key instruments to find any tune at all. They each have their own sets of challenges, of circumstances, and of abilities - and there are some things which will not change no matter how much I would love to change it for them. But after all, who am *I* to make those decisions for them? They have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters - loved ones who raise them the best they can, given their knowledge, finances, and belief systems.

And so, while I would make different choices for them if I were the one who controlled their lives, it is ultimately none of my business how they live, as long as they are in school and striving to learn the academics which it is my job to teach.

Some of my kids will grow up to live on welfare. That is not a judgment, it is a very realistic expectation based upon their abilities and the values that have been taught to them. Several of them will grow up to have nice productive lives with jobs that enable them to have a decent living. Some will get a 2 year degree or vocational trade training, and one or two may even graduate from a 4 year degree. It will depend upon choices they make, options they see, and belief in themselves and their abilities. I have done all I could in this one year to be able to show them possibilities rather than hindrances, but now the baton has passed to other teachers. I hope they don't drop it and allow the circle of dependence to continue, at least for those who have the ability to go beyond what they have ever dreamed they could do.

But all I could do during the time they were mine is to love them, correct them, and believe in them. Now I will remember them and pray for them with fondness.

But what really struck me today was how easy it is to accept that each of my students marches to their own drummer, and to relate to each individual student in unique ways. I believe with all my heart that it is that ability to accept and adjust that has allowed me to be the slave I am to Padrone, even though we have never met physically. See, touch is nice, but it is simply touch. Intimacy is far more wonderful than a physical touch, and can be gained in so many ways that have nothing to do with physicality. I became, for several months, one of the most important people in my students' lives simply because I loved them and opened my heart and mind to them. I do the same, on a much deeper level of course, with Padrone. So our drumbeat is a bit different from that of a "typical" relationship. Whatever our beat is, it makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.

Padrone, one more time (I hope) for the job hunt. Thank you for being so incredibly understanding of all that goes on here. Your support has led me to believe even more fully in myself, and has eased a lot of the worry that has always been such an intrinsic part of my life. No matter how I long to be with you physically, I would never trade what we have together for any physical relationship! I am yours, no matter the geographical circumstances, my heart, mind, and body are totally and forever yours. I adore you with all that I am, my Padrone, and all that I will become. Simply and wonderfully yours.