Wednesday, October 10, 2007

For my Master

Padrone, You have changed this slave in more ways than she ever dreamed possible. You truly *have* taken a whore and made a slave, but now it seems the time to describe things that have changed, and how, and why.

This morning, when You sent the text waking me up with a task, i did *NOT* want to do it. i pouted mentally, rebelled, griped and complained in my own thoughts, and had a bad attitude in general. But i did as You said, Padrone. As You have said over and over, now there is no choice. i truly have no choice but to surrender and to obey Your wishes, Padrone.

However...i obeyed, Padrone. Eventually i was able to introspect and realize where the 'attitude' was coming from. i had counseling yesterday, and it wasn't an easy session as You know. i am learning that sometimes the aftereffects of such a session include a period of withdrawal, even from You, and as i said this morning, i truly didn't know how to lower the walls myself. For me to even want even see the need to do that.... is a major, and quite obvious, difference from the person You collared. And Padrone... for You to be able to lower them Yourself, speaks tremendous volumes about the place our relationship has grown into. i was, and am, awed by the way You changed my very mood, merely by taking control and willing my heart and body to open to You.

Oh far You have brought me from when we first met.

Then, i was a little girl. i pouted, i sought attention, i compared myself with others constantly, i saw my own faults and wondered why You would even look twice at me. Then, my walls were so high that i didn't even know what was behind them, i was hiding from myself. i had absolutely no desire to submit to another person, and even if i did, i honestly thought that what i gave would be enough. Then, i was scared that when You saw who i am, You would despise me. Then, i felt ugly, unwanted, unloveable, and certainly not valuable. Fear ruled my world, even though i was sassy, witty, and "following" due to my ability to scene well. Then, Padrone, i knew that You deserved a far better slave than i ever thought i could be, even as my heart yearned to be that person.

Padrone, i used to see the slaves that i admired, and i was so intimidated by them. i saw their actions, their devotion....the pride that their Masters had in them, and i was so envious. i wanted it, Padrone, but i couldn't have it.

Until You.

Padrone, i wish i could explain how You changed me. i honestly don't *know* how - it wasn't Your words per se. It was Your expectations as a whole. i will admit that in the beginning i was... well, competing with Your other slave. i knew that i had to be "better" in something, or You would never keep me. i had no idea how to do that, and the immense stress and frustration i felt when You refused to give me specific expectations for my behavior and submission was almost too much. But every now and then i would do something that would bring praise from You, and i gradually learned about what pleases You most, and i began to work hard to do those things, and to try to minimize what didn't please You.

So the behaviors changed. i became calmer, gradually (very gradually i think), and i settled into behaving as Your slave....second slave, i believed in my heart, although You told me that You *had* no first and second slaves, that You merely owned both of us. But i did strive very hard to please You, and i accepted what You could offer me.

The mentality still had not changed, Padrone. i was still hiding behind walls built by a lifetime of abuse and insecurities. i knew to a small degree what was there, but nowhere near the depths.....of the positives OR the negatives.

Then You released Your other slave. Change HAD to happen, Padrone, although i was terrified that i was next for a very long time. i truly thought that if You could release HER, that it would be far easier for You to release ME, and i couldn't accept anything different. i felt that deserved far less than to be Your only slave, Padrone, even though i also knew that i could never again be Yours if You owned another. i simply could not go through the "gymnastics" necessary to accept it again. So still, there were walls, and a long, long way to go for Your slave.

That was a major crisis for me, and one that was totally unexpected for both of us.

But You, my Master, have more patience than anyone i have ever known. You have a way of seeing things that i never could see, and while You say You don't analyze things as deeply as i tend to do, i honestly believe it is more that You analyze them in a different manner, because You give a great deal of thought to what You do. You accept what i give, and only lately have You really begun to push for me to give more, because You KNOW that You truly do own all of me, Padrone, and You want to use that control that You have.

Getting to this place has not been an easy journey. You have had to wait for Your slave to mature, to have some truly life changing moments, in order for her to give freely all that You own. You have accepted me at every stage. You have shown me how You value me, how You care for me, how You love me. You have taught me with specific requirements, what You want from me. You have adapted Your way of owning me as You have relaxed and are now able to be Your true self with me. You have shown me through Your words, emotions, actions, how to change, how to free the slave that has always lived inside of me, how to allow her to be the dominating part of my personality so that i live my entire life to please, to serve, and to worship You with my very being.

i can never give enough, Padrone, to the man who has given me the greatest gift of all - the ability to be myself without reservation, without pause, and to know that i am accepted, valued, cherished for no more, and no less, than who i am. i am needed, wanted, held. i am owned, by Your choice....forever.

You, Padrone, are my world.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A place for a slave

There is a place....

In this place this slave is free.

In this place she loses herself, yet becomes more herself than ever before.

Here, she becomes nothing except a vessel for her Master's pleasure.

This is the place where her heart opens more than she ever dreamed possible.

It is in this place that she becomes powerful.

It is here that she freely gives that power away.

This is a place of willful surrender, of strength and of generosity.

In this place, a slave fulfills her destiny as she gives herself again...and again.

Where is this place?

This place is where Your slave's heart is, Padrone.

Your slave's place is at Your feet, in Your heart, inside Your collar.

Your slave's home is in You.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

submission and demons

Recently Padrone and i had a conversastion that made me think, as usual. He has told me before, and will tell me again i am sure, that i am different from many other slaves He has met. Usually He reiterates that statement with evidence, and it always surprises me how He sees me, because i still don't see myself as anything special outside of Him.

Anyway, this particular conversation centered around being owned by a Master who owns more than one slave. As y'all know, or may remember at least, i was in that particular situation when i first became collared. i never would have dreamed i would have been able to handle that kind of thing, much less reach the point that it didn't matter as much as i always thought it would to me. But it wasn't easy, and it isn't something i will ever willingly repeat. But i *did* not only make it through it, but i found a way to really become a better, healthier, person in the process.

That's what Padrone said, in this instance, makes me different from other slaves... because i am willing to face my demons.

Let's face it, most of what jealousy is is lack of trust - whether in the other person, or in ourselves regarding our own ability to be all that the other person needs. Lack of trust is usually a result of demons. Lack of trust is also a relationship killer, eventually.

i refused to allow my lack of trust, and the demons that created that, to kill our relationship. Whatever it took, however i had to fight them, i had no choice but to face them, not when the alternative was a relationship that was so much less than Padrone deserved from me, and i had the ability to at least attempt to change it.

See, the entire point, for me, wasn't about me and changing and becoming a better person, stronger and more confident. All i wanted to do, initially, was to become the best slave i could for the best Master there is. That was my basic motivation in the beginning, but apparently not every slave feels that way. It was one of those things that i have no choice about, to me, but apparently others choose to keep their demons hidden and their relationships not all they can be...and themselves still controlled by demons rather than their Masters.

That is what Padrone sees in me that is different from other slaves, or one thing at least, and i am quite proud to be different in this way. i owe so much to my Master, but i owe a lot of where i am, who i am, to myself and demon-fighting.

Thank You, Padrone, for showing me myself from Your perspective. That always makes me think, makes me learn even more about myself, and about You. i can be a better slave when i see myself as You see me. Thank You, Padrone.

i am completely Yours.

the Big Three

i did something i rarely do, but which i think i will do more of from now on, and that is i asked Padrone if there was a particular topic that He would like for me to write about in my blog.

The thought He mentioned was that i could write about the most basic things regarding being a slave, the "big three".... obey, serve, please. So of course i have been thinking about this since He mentioned it last night, and i have a few thoughts i would like to "flesh out" here.

The order in which i will talk about them is the order in which i think they tend to come naturally to a slave, if conditions are right for her to progress into her slavery. That, to me, is vital. If one isn't growing as a person in her slavery, and not just as a slave, then she is simply playing a role. One's slavery shouldn't be a woman's entire identity, and yet it should change and reflect the ways that she is changing as a person. Slavery is not a static thing that never changes or develops simply because one identifies herself as slave.

So, i think it is fair to say that the best Masters not only want their slave to grow as a slave, but also as a woman, even if that means that she grows away from Him. We always consider slaves as vulnerable, and we are highly vulnerable in our relationships. But what is so easily forgotten is that Masters are as well. They can't easily open up or step out of a role and be themselves, until trust is built, just as slaves can't. It is less obvious though, and so more easily overlooked.

The first thing a slave does when she enters even a casual D/s relationship, is obey. Obedience is not something that she does for her own edification, rather it is done because she identifies herself as a slave and that means that obedience is expected of her by others. This comes more easily to some people than to others, of course, and may feel more "natural" as a result. But no matter, when a girl chooses to submit, even in small ways, she is promising obedience. This is an external thing, because the expectations of her behavior come from others. One doesn't typically give orders to one's self, and therefore doesn't typically give obedience to one's self either. How "well" a slave obeys is not something that she judges either, usually, although the feedback from others helps her learn and grow and adjust her behavior accordingly, if she chooses to do so.

The first step for a slave in a D/s relationship is obedience. When many folks talk about the "gift of submission" what they are often referring to is the "gift of obedience". There is nothing wrong with that, in the least. However, it can go so much deeper than that, something not everyone understands.

As trust builds .... as the slave learns that the Master is not going to ask things of her that are unreasonable, unrealistic, unsafe, unhealthy, or otherwise dangerous for her......and as the Master learns that the slave will obey or do her very best to do so..... then they can both move forward a bit. The slave takes for granted something that is a good thing *to* take for granted - her emotional and physical safety in obeying this man. The Master takes her strive for perfection in obedience for granted. Trust is stronger than it was before, and the slave can then move forward a bit into what Padrone calls spontaneous acts of submission. She will find ways to show her submission to Him, ways that He hasn't required, or asked for. She will serve Him in ways that are more offered, than asked. She will begin to serve Him for the sake of serving Him. His pleasure will become her focus, as she learns to trust that their relationship fulfills her and meets her own needs. She will find things to please Him, ways to make His life more pleasant for owning her. She will begin to serve Him, therefore deepening her slavery, changing how she expresses herself to Him and to others.

The last of the "big three", pleasing, is one that is inherent in every slave, but which every slave i know doubts about herself. We *all* doubt that we can/will/do please our Masters. Usually this is caused from our ghosts and demons, and good Masters not only understand that, but work around that as well. It takes an unbelievable amount of work to reach the place where a slave knows...doesn't just believe, but knows with every cell of her being.....that she is pleasing to her Master. Not her behaviors, not her service, not her words, but who she is. She will then have a place in His life that nobody else could ever fill. She has reached confidence, a place she has known rarely in her life. She is pleasing her partner, simply by being who she is.

This is the equivalent of a slave's nirvana. So few ever reach this place. So few are given the opportunity to reach it. So few want to get there, because it takes going through their own personal hell, facing lifelong demons, fears, hatreds... and coming out on the other side. It's terrifying. It feels impossible. And it seems as if it never ends.

i know that i am still going through a lot of demon-facing now. But i feel so much more confident now than i ever have, even though i still wonder who i will be when i finally have exorcised all the demons. i wonder if Padrone will still want the person i am then. i know that i have been through varying degrees of hell in the past few years, but i have also been to heaven as well...

i am owned by a man who will not let me go. i finally trust that, and i can relax and learn to give Him what He so deserves, for that very fact if for no other reason. He sees me in ways that i will never see myself, but He values me so highly that i can't help but see some of the things He sees in me. Finally.

i have the support of a man who owns me so wonderfully, cares so deeply for me, sees so much in me that is there, and so much potential in me in spite of the demons and their effects....and who has made Himself vulnerable to me by encouraging my growth... because He recognizes that as i grow, i change, and change always has an element of risk. But He knows that this kind of growth makes me a better person, and He trusts and believes that it will make me a better slave as well.

Padrone, i am so honored to be Your slave, to wear Your collar, to belong to You so completely. i am proud that my obedience and my service are so pleasing to You, and that You are proud to own me.

i am forever Yours, Padrone. Grazie.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

by request

Last night Padrone and i had one of those deeply meaningful conversations, that sometimes happens and almost always surprises me by the timing of it. i mean, usually i call expecting at least a bit of use, and i also expect some conversation, some gossip, but as late as it was last night when i called, i never expected the kind of conversation that happened.

Basically, we ended up talking about my first blog post of yesterday, and that sparked His request that i at least attempt to type about some of the things i mentioned that i was having difficulty wording. So, this may be a long post, but i hope it is not too convoluted or meandering to make sense. i will do my best to keep it straightforward.

First, after thinking about this for a while, i realized that all of the topics i wanted to type about are really related, so i think i will type it as a progression of thoughts, which i believe reflects a progression of a relationship, but that's my own opinion of course.

i said yesterday that i wanted to type about the moment i peeked through the fear and saw trust. That's a rather dramatic way to word it, but it really is the most accurate portrayal of what happened. i was afraid to trust, because i couldn't handle being hurt again. Looking objectively at where we were then....there is no way i could NOT be hurt, if i let down the walls. Let's face it, i am NOT the kind of woman who is willing to share her Master, yet i had begged the Master of another woman to take me as His own as well. i was so insecure about my ability to please Him that i allowed myself to believe the shouts of my insecurities rather than the whispers of the man i loved even then. i had no idea what He expected from me, and all He would tell me when i asked was that He wanted obedience and service and to learn to please Him more. For these and so many other reasons i was too paralyzed to trust Him not to hurt me if i let down the walls.

Also, i didn't want to "lose" myself, even though i didn't particularly like myself. i know, that makes no sense, but sometimes change is terrifying, and even the bad person we think we are is a safe place to live. i, like so many other slaves, felt that if i began the surrendering process, that i would lose who i am. i feared becoming a doormat, a "yes girl". i was afraid i would do all the giving, and be expected to be happy in a relationship that is all about Him. i had heard Doms say that they honestly believe that a submissive's fulfillment comes from her service. i was so afraid that Padrone would be that kind of Dominant, and i knew that it was not true for anyone, much less for me.

As our relationship progressed, i began to see that Padrone is, as He spoke of last night, not that kind of Dominant. He 'gave back' as i gave to Him. In other words, my needs were being met, not by myself, not by my actions, but by HIM. Suddenly, i foudn the courage to begin to surrender to Him, and believe that it would be alright, safe, to do so.

As He began to see that i had truly moved beyond that black hole of fear into the light of surrendering to Him, then He was finally able to relax and.....not focus on my needs, but live what He believes, that a man who finds a woman who meets His needs, and wishes to keep her, will do all He can to meet her needs. It works so beautifully, doesn't it?

Surrender, if it is real surrender, is the difference between *being* a slave, and merely *acting* as one. It is this surrender that defines a slave, in my opinion. One can act submissively, one can submit either in a scene, or even certain areas of her life, without surrendering herself, her life, to her Master. There is nothing wrong with this at all, as long as one is honest about what she is surrendering or submitting. It is when one is dishonest (intentionally or unintentionally), that a slave is merely acting a role rather than being a slave. True surrender is what defines a slave, to me.

As i told Padrone last night, though, i believe that there are true slaves who are unowned. How can that be, if surrender is the definitive difference, and an unowned slave is not surrendered to anyone? Well, true slaves know and recognize what i am saying here, and it is the potential for deep, total surrender that lives inside them, that make them true slaves. Even new submissives, if they have a slave's heart, will burn and ache to please with everything they have, everything they are. They long to surrender. That, to me, defines slave.

Once one has realized that she truly *is* a slave, then she learns just how difficult it is, or can be, to *live* as a slave.

i was hesitant to write about this topic for a couple of reasons, but mainly because i don't want Padrone to think i am complaining about things He has set into place, especially recently. But the fact is that He announced several weeks ago that He thinks i am ready to be pushed in my slavery, and that things would be more difficult for me sometimes. Well, He has fulfilled that promise, and i am sure there is more to come as well. Part of the consequences of this decision is that His slave finds being pushed difficult at times, which is the entire point.

The bottom line is that the surrender that i spoke of at great length, means that i surrender my comfort, my convenience, my pleasure, my time, my schedule, even my sleep and attention, to my Master. i have surrendered my ease or difficulty in obeying to Him as well.

i questioned His reasoning, His timing, when He announced that i was ready to be pushed. It wasn't long after something pretty traumatic happened to me, and He was a bit distracted by things going on where He lives as well. i didn't question this to HIM, of course, but i did wonder how He came to that particular conclusion at that particular time. As usual, He seems to have been right.

What He has done is shown me a totally different meaning of surrendering to Him. But guess what. The old saying is true, submission really *is* meaningful only when it is difficult to give. i'm not sure that it can even be considered submission, if one merely submits when it is easy. Doing difficult things is a way for me to show my Master how deeply surrendered i am to Him. No, i don't always want to do those things, as a matter of fact i seldom *want* to, and if i were given a choice i would not voluntarily choose to do them.

THAT is what makes it special. My surrender reinforces His control. The more difficulty involved, the deeper the surrender required. i'm not talking about strictly sexual things of course. Sex *is* important, but just as in any relationship, it is everything else that has to work the vast majority of the time to keep things good. What works, for us, is when i am able to show Him how deeply He owns me in whatever ways He chooses, and He shows His deep appreciation to me for that.

The ultimate difficulty in being a slave is in giving up total control over every part of one's life. A Master can choose what He wishes to control, and as Padrone is proving lately, those things can, and will, change by His choice. Theoretically that sounds quite romantic, and i guess it is in a way. But tell that to me when i'm yawning and can barely keep my eyes open, and Padrone wants me to serve Him! i'll show you 'romantic' then!

If it is so difficult, why do it? Because i need to. i am driven to be His slave, the best slave for Him that i possibly can, by my very nature. And i get so much in return - more than i ever dreamed possible. He needs for parts of my life to be difficult, and in return for my fulfilling that need for Him, He meets more and more of my own, even those i would have denied having. That is what this is all about.

It is so wonderful that our needs fit together so clearly. Sometimes i have to remind myself of that - like now, when i am sitting at my computer with my ass filled as ass that is sore, tender, from being filled with a vibe for so long while we talked on the phone last night. There is absolutely NO physical, or even mental, enjoyment in this today. What there is, is the knowledge that He loves for my ass to be filled, and it is my duty to fill it as often as He says i must. Difficult? At times, of course it is. But that is a slave's life. i could live no other way. As Padrone, says so often, there is no choice for me anymore. i am deeply and irrevocably enslaved to Him now.

Padrone, thank You so much for the talk last night. i love talking with You, learning more about You, especially when You talk about Your thoughts and Your own viewpoint about what i type. My thoughts are clearly "out there", and yet i can only assume to know Yours, so often. Thank You for sharing Yourself with me, Padrone.

Monday, September 10, 2007

what i'm learning

1. Our pasts shape who we are now, no matter how those who had less-than-traumatic childhoods try to convince us otherwise.

2. Parents, especially mothers, play a more vital role in the shaping of how a child reacts to his/her environment and the people in it, than i realized.

3. Sexual molesters usually have a preferred age range for their victims, and seldom vary from it.

4. The cycle of abuse CAN be broken, but it takes acknowledging that it is happening and being forceful to the point of being obnoxious if necessary in order to protect our children from experiencing what we did.

5. Looking from another's viewpoint is NOT always a good thing. There are times when one has no choice but to focus on onesself.

6. Isolating onesself is also not a bad thing. i have always considered it bad, probably because i don't believe that any one person is an island. But i am learning that there comes a time when one has no choice but to focus on onesself (at the risk of sounding redundant).

7. Emotional walls are there for a reason. Trust is a very valuable thing to give, because along with trust comes vulnerability. Vulnerability brings the risk of being hurt, and that is something i will not risk lightly, ever again. If that means i come across as aloof, so be it.

8. That few people care about what i learn. Most folks only care if they are treated as they wish to be treated, and if one doesn't treat them in the manner to which they are accustomed (or wish to become accustomed), then they feel that they have the right to judge and condemn, no matter what is going on in one's life.

9. The only person whose opinion matters about what i am learning, and how i respond to it, is my Master.

10. i am learning, or rather re-learning, that my Master is an incredibly loving, patient man, who wants only the best for His slave, and wants her to be happy, so that she can work harder to make HIM happy.

i am lucky, blessed, fortunate, ....... loved....owned. i am Yours, Padrone. Thank You.

a few thoughts about slavery

i've actually had a lot of thoughts recently that i have wanted to type here, but i am really thinking about the direction this blog is taking as opposed to where it was intended to go when it began. i think i am way off track, and yet i am not sure what to do about it. The obvious answer is to start another blog, with different intentions, but....i'm just not interested in having that many things to keep straight. i dont' have a lot of time to spend typing in any blog, much less several.

So i guess, for now at least, i will simply type thoughts here, even if they aren't what i had originally begun this blog to reveal or discuss.

Lately i have been thinking about slavery itself, and realizing that it doesn't matter if one is long distance or if one is living with one's Master. Slavery is slavery, if one is truly a slave, and it is one of the most difficult things i have ever done.

With difficulty, comes deep fulfillment, though. Recently Padrone has been pushing me in some ways, because He loves to know that i obey even when it is difficult. He loves for me to show my surrender to Him in that way, and what makes it so deeply fulfilling for me isn't in the doing of it, or even in knowing that i am doing it simply because He wants me to. It is in the deep appreciation He shows for my surrender. When He says to me "you are the slave i was looking for, for so long"... well, of course anyone knows how that would affect me. Especially since *words* like that are rare enough to be deeply meaningful when spoken. He doesn't speak words lightly, like we Americans are prone to do.

The point is that He would have me do things that are difficult for me, no matter where i lived. Surrender is either real and total, or it isn't. He knows that i have surrendered fully to Him, so He knows that He can push me, and expect a lot of me in terms of obedience. He knows that my heart is His - and that the desire of my heart is His pleasure.

And the reason i can surrender so deeply to this man is because i finally trust that He will never hurt me, intentionally, and that if He ever did unintentionally He would be deeply remorseful. Just as my deepest pleasure is HIS pleasure, so He also loves when i am happy. He loves to make me happy - and He does in ways He doesn't even realize. This morning is a prime example, and i doubt He knows that HE is the reason i was so happy when we talked...

i called Him unexpectedly, as i do now and then but not often. Even though i use a calling card, i like to make them last as long as possible right now, for various reasons. Anyway, He was surprised to hear my voice, but even though He was about to leave, He sat down and talked with me for a few minutes. But do you know what He said? He said, "i am glad You called me." Here He was, busy and about to walk out the door.....and He is glad to hear my voice. During the conversation He commented on how happy i sounded, and how He loves for His slave to be happy. But His words... simple words of pleasure at hearing my voice.... is what made me even happier. i could hear it in His voice, not just in His words...and i know that i am loved, in ways that most people only dream about.

See, what we have discovered is the beautiful mutality of a healthy relationship. He thinks it is mostly about Him and what He wants and needs, and i work hard to meet His needs and to give Him what He wants from me. But i do those things because of what *i* get out of doing them - acceptance (which i think is the most coveted part of any healthy relationship) for who i am, even my imperfections.... appreciation for what i do, what i show, for who i that i will obey and do all i can to please....knowledge that if i can't obey, there is a very valid reason for it (unless i lose track of time and miss a text of course, but that's just being human) for my personality, not just my many things that translate into a deeply fulfilling relationship for *me* as well. i know He realizes it, but sometimes i wonder if He realizes just how much being His ... completes me.

And that, my friends, is what "love" is all about. When two people meet each other's needs so completely that they truly fit together like puzzle pieces, forming a beautiful picture called "life together"... love doesn't have to be spoken. It simply is. (Padrone, the words are still precious, so don't think i don't want to hear them anymore, please.....:) )

There are so many thoughts that i would love to talk about today. i want to talk about the sudden trust that overwhelmed me, when i peeked beyond fear. i want to talk more about what it means to be a slave, vs. acting like a slave. i want to talk about real difficulties in being a slave. i want to talk about so many things, but i can't seem to find the words that actually make sense.

Padrone, Thank You for the support that i so need right now, during this time in my life. Thank You for the understanding You have, and that You show so readily, so often. Thank You for trusting that i will never take advantage of that understanding nature, so that You are more free to show it. Thank You for things i can never put into words, especially not publicly. Thank You, Padrone, for being the Master *i* have searched for, for so long.

i love You, too, Padrone.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

One more year

It is once again our anniversary, and it seems that things keep getting better and better. It never seems possible, and yet somehow, it always happens!

Lately has probably been the most difficult time of our entire relationship, and to be honest, had some of these things happened early on, it might not have survived. But thanks mostly to Padrone's patience, understanding, and His real work at being the best Master He can be, for the slave He owns.

Padrone has been so very consistent, and yet He has changed in some ways in the two years that His collar has circled my neck. We both have, i know, but somehow i never realized that He was growing along with me. Somehow i used to have this image of Him as .... waiting for me to grow into the slave He deserves, because He deserves the best possible slave there is. But i have learned that His desire is to be the best possible Master for me as well, and for some reason that really stunned me....

So now, on our Anniversary, a day of celebration, of looking both back to where we have come from and ahead to where we will go....i say thank You, my Master.

Thank You for the love that i had to learn to see.
Thank You for the patience that lets me grow.
Thank You for the focus on Your slave that frees me to focus on You so totally.
Thank You for the acceptance that creates safety.
Thank You for using my body, my mind, my emotions, for Your pleasure.
Thank You for needing the depths of submission that i could never before express.
Thank You for believing in me.
Thank You for being someone i can also believe in.
Thank You, Padrone, for owning me so beautifully.

Absolutely and completely devoted to You,
i am Yours.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

a brief explanation

This post is a bit more difficult than some to write. i've taken a few weeks off, as anyone who follows my blog knows already. There is a very valid reason for it, of which i will give a partial explanation.

Something happened recently, a traumatic event, that triggered the breaking of an emotional dam in me. The result of the onslaught of emotions, specifically things i thought i had already dealt with and put away but which i had simply locked in a compartment inside my mind, is that i have entered counseling. The emotions that overwhelmed me, and which i am still dealing with, are a result of being sexually molested as a child.

i haven't been in counseling but a few weeks, but already things have come out that have stunned me. Some things i see as insurmountable, to be honest. i've never been in counseling, but i know a lot about it for various reasons, and the intellectual side of me knows they aren't insurmountable. The emotional side sees mountains, and can't grasp the concept of moving mountains one rock at a time. i know i will be alright. i have deep faith that what i am doing is the right thing for me, for my family, for my friends, and for my Padrone. No, i didn't put that in order of priorities, rather in order of proximity.

i can honestly say that this is not something i ever wanted to do. i truly thought i had dealt with all of this and it was "gone"...diffused or defused, whichever fits best. But it was still a ticking bomb, and one traumatic event....albiet highly traumatic, triggered the explosion. The fallout is that i can't make all the unruly, unwanted, undesirable emotions fall neatly back into their hiding place again. And because they are exposed, they affect me, and they have control over me, and i don't like that one BIT!

i'm not sure how detailed to go about that bit here. i have reached the point that i am a bit immune to the comments of others regarding the abuse, but i also know that others see anyone talking about things in their past that helped to shape their actions today as whining. i'm not a whiner, usually, and i don't want to impose myself on anyone, although this *is* my blog and if you don't want to read it all you have to do is close the window. i'll have to see how i feel about it once this is published i think.

Since this blog is mainly about the relationship that Padrone and i have, the natural question is, how does this affect us? Well, i honestly can't speak for Padrone, except to say that He commented that what happened caused Him to rethink His role in my life, and make some adjustments in His role as my Master. For me, of course, i have regressed in a lot of ways, although not nearly as far as i would have had i not been expecting it and also if i didn't carefully monitor my emotions, or as best i can at least.

My biggest fear is that i will succeed in sabotaging this relationship, which i have done in the past although that is not something i like admitting about myself. i honestly don't think Padrone will let me - He knows me fairly well after two years, wouldn't y'all say? i think He can see when my thoughts turn in that direction, sometimes even more clearly than i can to be honest. Sometimes is truly is easier to be on the outside looking in.

It is difficult for me to know what to say about all of this, and when to say it. If He doesn't mention it, i take it to mean that He doesn't want to hear about it, so i don't mention it either. Or i didn't. We've talked and that won't be a problem anymore. :) What else? Oh yes, scenes and socialization. Well, scenes are difficult for me, but it's getting better daily, or nearly dailly anyway. And socialization - that has been something neither of us has wanted for our own reasons......each of us has His/her own reason i mean, to not want to socialize right now. That, too, will change when the time is right.

What else? Well, things might have been different, except that Padrone has something where He lives that He is also dealing with, and so each of us is distracted. But we are still focusing on one another, and that is the important thing.

Padrone, my thoughts are with You today, and i thank You for being my Padrone. You are right...when i was allowed to choose, i chose very well. i love You.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Short and sweet - kind of like me....

It's been a while since i have typed anything here, obviously. i only type when there is something to say, and until a week or so ago, i did most of my "saying" privately, to Padrone.

Last weekend some things happened to each of us, absolutely unexpected and highly stressful things. These things will settle down eventually, of this i am sure. But for now, our focus has been on a lot of things, not many of them BDSM related.

Padrone...thank You for Your patience and understanding, even though You had Your own situation to deal with there. Thank You for giving all You did, all You could. Thank You for keeping me focused.

Things are getting better every day, although i'm not entirely sure why. You have made me more Yours than ever before, overruling my fears for the most part, and reiterating what our relationship is all about. This, in spite of the fact that You had a stressful week as well.

i love You, Padrone, and yes......i am totally and inexorably Yours...forever.

Friday, June 22, 2007

hard-won pride, humility, and power

i was thinking again this morning.

i can't really explain the thoughts, they aren't well formed, but i was thinking of humility and pride and how they seem so diametrically opposite, and in fact they are, but they can and do coexist peacefully within me. How can that be? That's what is difficult to explain, but i will attempt to do just that.

i am so very proud of who i am, and who i belong to, and the progress i have made in my personal life. i truly don't recognize myself at times, especially when i look at where i have come from. There is no way that i could ever convey the dramatic difference, and even if i could, y'all would have a difficult time believing it. Padrone can attest to that fact, if y'all want to ask Him. His slave, His woman, has grown up while wearing His collar.

i am so proud of that, y'all. That has taken quite a bit of work, introspection, realization of things that i have no choice but to accept about myself, and even recently things that i refuse to accept because i am not convinced that they are truly who i am....and the struggle that it creates even now. But i know that eventually i will be able to work through it and find out more about myself - even if it is that i *am* who i thought i was in this particular area.

This struggle is internal, and it isn't something that Padrone requires. The struggles aren't His, they have no effect on Him as long as my behavior is appropriate....except the effect that any internal changes bring to our relationship. That is my point - He wants me to enjoy, to be happy, but that isn't His main concern. He cares about my obedience. My enjoyment is a bonus, to me and to Him as well. He loves my pleasure, but His own pleasure is what it is all about, and HIS pleasure comes from my submission, my surrender to His will.

i know that i please Him. That is also a source of pride for me. i am so proud to know that the simple country girl that i am, is pleasing to a man as wonderful as my Padrone. For me, that is a new feeling...knowledge that i please, simply because i am who i am. i am submissive, deeply submissive, and Padrone needs just that. But it isn't merely my submission that He loves. i finally know that it is all of me, and i can't help but smile with pride that i am His.

But the humility can i not feel humbled by the degree of intensity of our interaction, our relationship? i suspected from the beginning that He would control more of me than anyone ever had before, and more deeply as well. But nothing prepared me for what He does control, and how He does it. Nothing could have prepared me for it. He has said in the past that He wonders if there is a limit to my submission, and honestly it hasn't been found yet...but neither has His need and desire to control me either.

This incredible Master, and who He has shown Himself to be to others is only a taste of who He really is, that i can honestly say, has found in me....the slave that meets His deepest desires. How can i not feel so humbled by that fact, even while i swell with pride to know that it is so?

i have thought, and i have discovered that humility itself, is a totally different kind of power.

i am humbled by what we have, Padrone. i am honored by Your collar, by Your ownership, and all that it entails. i bask in the pride that You feel for me, my Owner. But the relationship itself....the intensity that is ever-deepening... the control...the submission...the emotions....the behaviors....the surrender and the need for such deep surrender.....THAT is what truly humbles me.

What we have, Padrone, is something larger than both of us combined should have been able to create. What we have can only have been created by emotions and needs and connections that are destined for one another. That is what i find humbling, and yet in that humility... is the power to increase, to strengthen, to grow, to expand, and to inflame what exists until we are both consumed time and again with one another, and with the relationship itself. It can only happen with You...and with me.

"i love You" is a very pale image of the place You have in my heart, mind, and in my life. i am Yours. Completely.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Two Years...and counting

Who would have ever believed it?

i have belonged to the most wonderful Master in the world, for two complete years. i haven't worn His collar quite that long, but His ownership began two years ago when, during a typical PM conversation, the topic turned to control. Somehow the time was right to give in to my yearnings to belong to this man, and with His guidance, i asked for His control to extend beyond IRC and into my real life. i asked to become His.

And i was accepted.

Thus began my journey from whore to slave, from girl to woman, from a 'free slave' to a truly freed slave. Over the last year or so y'all have learned a lot about the journey itself...maybe more than y'all wanted to. But the beginning...

i can still feel my heart race as i considered the questions i must ask. i still feel the butterflies fluttering madly as i thought about the consequences of my actions - or the limited consequences i could foresee at the time. i still feel the anticipation, almost breathless as i waited for His answer. i still feel the joy that washed over me so strongly, so suddenly, at His acceptance of me and my submission.

That moment changed our lives, in some ways immediately, but in others the change has been so gradual that i haven't even noticed it at times. But the person i am, the slave i am, the changes in me personally and in our relationship, are apparent even to anyone who will go back and read the earlier posts in this blog.

i always say that i don't see how we can get any closer. Somehow we always do, though.

A moment that will be imprinted on my mind just as clearly as the questions i asked, is something Padrone asked of me last night, on our anniversary. He said that since i had asked to be controlled more deeply then, three thank Him, three times, for enslaving me.

Oh the shock that ran through my system at the symbolism, the sudden, electric, realization of just exactly how far we have come since that moment, two years ago. Y' was as if i was...i don't know, somehow watching our history in my mind, two years of it, in an instant.

And so i did:

titty{F} smiles....lifting her head to look at You with shining and devotion flowing from them.......

oh Padrone....thank You is never You have changed my life......and the gratitude overwhelms me at times......thank You, my Master....for enslaving me....for creating the framework of slavery in my life.....

titty{F} smiles, tears flowing freely.....thank You...for seeing beyond the surface.....for seeing something in me that captured Your attention....some potential that i had given up believing was true.....and for exerting Your control into my life.....into every facet of my life......into every part, my entire Yours to control as You wish.....

titty{F} keeps looking straight into Your eyes, her own blinded by tears.......whispering now.....thank You......for taking a whore....and creating a beautiful, pleasing, loving slave...for You, Padrone.....only for You

Franti smiles lovingly at you, his slave ....

(and y'all wonder why i can never give enough to this man?)

Then i began to think, as i usually do.

How exactly HAS Padrone changed my life? There has to be some way to define it, some bottom-line, so basic change that everything else is built upon that. It hit me as i was typing the last bit, and when i called to say good night, i said the words that i want to reiterate and expound upon now.

The greatest gift, the biggest change, the most basic thing that Padrone has altered in my life is that He taught me to love myself.

He hasn't just accepted who i am without reservation, which is gift in itself. He hasn't just shown as close to unconditional love as i have ever experienced, or even witnessed in others' relationships. He hasn't just taught me to accept that HE loves me and accepts me as i am. He has taught me that who i am is a good person, a loveable person, an intelligent person whose company is worth seeking out. He has taught me that mistakes aren't character faults. He has taught me to laugh when i fail sometimes (like when i don't send a text on time. It's a big deal because it is a rule and He wants them. But rather than obsessing about it as i used to do, now i simply laugh a bit ruefully, write my lines, and keep texting.) He has taught me how to be ... leave the past where it is, as much as is emotionally possible.

Padrone has given me the foundation within myself, that has allowed me to give more and more, freely and without reservation, without thinking that He deserves better than i am, than i give, than i offer Him. Now, as never before, *i* value highly what i give to Him, and that just makes the gift more sweet than ever. Everything i give now, every service, every emotion, every touch, every word, is from someone who knows that these things are appreciated, valued, for who they come from as deeply as for what they are. And that, my friends, is a gift beyond measure.

Oh Padrone, how can one place any value on the gift of one's self worth? You didn't merely help me to see that i have some worth to You, but somehow You have taught me, have shown me, that i have worth simply because of who i am. You have given me more than i can ever state, Padrone....more than i can ever repay, which is fine because i know that repayment is not an issue in any way. You have truly taken the broken, lost, lonely girl You met so long ago, and revealed the beautiful woman me.....and to anyone who wishes to see her.

You have reshaped me, Padrone. i can never thank You enough. All i can do is shine for You...and shine i will, for You...because of honor You....i am Yours.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Here, there and yonder

No explanation of "yonder" for y'all poor non-southerners, either. i know, i'm terrible. :)

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Sometimes it is good for me to simply take some time and think about things, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately it has been all of the above, frankly.

The ugly has mostly been relating to work and my injury and such. i'm tired of complaining about it, and i KNOW folks are tired of hearing about it, so i am going to leave that one alone here.

The bad has been about me, recently. i'm not talking about the old demons of self-doubt and related thoughts, but we all go through times of introspection, wondering if we are the best we can be at the point in time we are in. i know i am not, and sometimes i just kind of.....think about how i can improve who i am. The main conclusion i have come to is that i will stop expecting as much out of others as i do myself.

This seems like an easy thing to do, but for me it isn't. i am not sure why, but there is a part of me that tends to expect others to be fair, to be honest, and to be courteous and respectful even when they have bad things to say. i used to say "that's not too much to ask of anyone", but i have learned that it can, indeed, be too much to ask for some. So what i am doing is changing my expectations. i am not lowering them, per se, rather making myself less vulnerable to disappointment, and the stress that comes with it. Now how do i do that?

First, i have to realize, to accept, that what *i* see as fair, honest, courteous and respectful, isn't everyone's perception of the same things. Secondly, i have to accept that not everyone holds these things as high on their priority list as i do. And another way that i can make this happen is to simply do the old fashioned thing that my Granny used to say to me: "consider the source". i wish i could get more words of wisdom from her, because i think that now i am finally old enough, mature enough, to apply them throughout my life.

i have decided that i will consider the source for many things, specifically of interest to those that read this blog, things that happen in irc. For several personal reasons, i will be suspicious of certain things, and of certain people there, but the problem is that some people tend to let that place be so important to them that they use it to hurt others. For me, it is a place to talk with people i know and some i like. People, not nicks. And i am always aware of that difference, y'all. THAT is what i have to drill into my thick skull. Not everyone understands that their actions, words, and attitudes can hurt actual, real people. Guess what. When i realize how shortsighted, and how callous that kind of person is, i can let it go a little easier. Maybe i do have an arrogant attitude about this, i don't know. i don't mean to, but in this i can honestly say that, no matter how bitchy i may feel, i would never deliberately hurt anyone, even in irc. THAT is one of the biggest expectations i have to change - that others would treat me with that same respect. It ain't gonna happen.

And y'all know the good part. Padrone, Padrone, Padrone.

It keeps getting better and better. So many things change, but they stay the same in the most basic ways. It is impossible to describe what our relationship is truly like, but as i have said repeatedly, the expression is in such a deep D/s manner, it is absolutely wonderful. Lately it has been so comfortable, and i don't mean that in a bad way for Your slave to be comfortable, Padrone - lol.

i've had a few thoughts regarding general D/s philosophy, and also regarding our specific relationship, that i want to type about here.

i typed about surrender once, i don't remember now just when it was. i talked about how surrender is so difficult to perceive before one does it. It is unimaginable because it is, in general society, such a negative thing. When i began to surrender my will to His, that meant that His will replaced my own in my mind and in my life. THAT is the scary part, and it seems as if, when a girl does that, that she is giving up who she is. And maybe in theory she is, she is yielding herself absolutely to her Master, to become whoever He wants her to be. i was fortunate in that Padrone wants me to be myself, and to behave as He wishes. He has no desire to change me fundamentally - maybe because i work so hard on changing myself to constantly become more and more pleasing to Him. Since *i* am changing to please Him more, He doesn't have to change me, and we both get what we need.

And that is the point i am trying to make. The act of surrendering, the living a surrendered life, is NOT an ending. It is most definitely a beginning. Surrendering means in all things, and sometimes it is not easy to live that way. But in general, i am so magnificently free... to focus on His pleasure completely, to mold myself, my words, my behavior, my thoughts, my surprises.....into what i believe will bring Him pleasure, even a small pleasure. And i could only do that when i gave up ... what? It's hard to define, but i guess .... i gave Him my need. It is His to fill or not, just as my mind is His to control, my body, my emotions. And ... this is the key, this is what most people forget when they get in a hurry for a collar, for a relationship, for deep control and submission....i KNOW, because time was taken to build a secure foundation of trust.....that He will meet my needs to the best of His ability as a human.

What is the secret that makes it not negative, but rather the most positive thing that any slave can ever do? When i surrendered my will to Him, He surrendered any desire or even any ability to be irresponsible when dealing with me. (actually, in some ways, it can be said that He surrendered His need to me, but that's a little philosophical even for me at this moment) He can't treat me irresponsibly now, not since He holds such a huge part of me in His heart and in His hands. He has no choice but to keep my needs on His forefront, because that is the only way His own needs will be met. If He treated me poorly (something i can't even BEGIN to think of Him doing, but theoretically it's possible i guess), then He would put me into a position that i would have to retrieve my focus from His needs to my own, leaving Him hanging, and having to meet His own needs as well. Neither of us want that, believe me.

And so, i know beyond a doubt that He is as concerned with my contentment, my happiness, as i am with His. As He used to say but which i know He means even more deeply than i ever realized....a happy slave serves better.

Surrendering brought our relationship into colorful focus, like in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and Toto landed in Munchkin land, no more dull colors, everything was rich, vibrant, it was meant to real life is. That describes our relationship well. And yet it could only happen when i finally said "no matter what happens, i have to give myself to You, to Your pleasure", and He accepted everything i gave.

And y'all know what? He makes me come alive. Y'all have seen it....the dramatic change in me when He comes into channel. It is that way even when i get a text from Him, or see Him in yahoo, or talk on the phone with Him. There is such joy to belong to Him, and to know that He is as happy with "US" as i am, and that there is nobody who can be His more fully than i am. i am His slave, His woman. I am owned so joyously, so perfectly.


i always wanted to be free, until i was bound to You. i always wanted my own way, until i saw that i gain my life when i lose it. i have lost it in You, Padrone. i have GAINED so much more of a life than i ever had before though. i used to be so wrapped up with my demons, so hidden behind all the walls, that the only ones that could truly matter were "me, myself, and i". i had no other choice, there was noone else to whom i mattered. Until You.

It was only when i finally let go of what i want, or rather of all the walls, the defenses, the stumbling blocks....that You could make me come alive. Nothing in this world compares to the joy of giving myself You...only to You.

Your fiore del sud, opening, revealing her secret, inner self only to You, her need to bring You as much pleasure as it is in her ability to bring, is the fragrance that only You can enjoy....You make this woman beautiful, Padrone. You make her whole. You make her Yours, and she can imagine nothing better than that.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

service with a smile

So i wasn't *really* smiling. But i WAS serving, and that was the important part.

Last night was one of those times when it required every ounce of determination to serve, and when i had to really face, once more, what being slave really is.

All i mean is that Padrone wanted, needed, to use me last night. He needed pain, real pain, the sounds and the knowledge that i was suffering for Him physically, not just mentally as happens during online scenes. i had had a very long day, hadn't slept well for a few nights since i am trying to transition to sleeping in a bed rather than a recliner again, and all *i* wanted to do was to go crash into the nearest place i could relax. But guess what. This life isn't all about what *i* want, in the least.

Padrone is amazingly caring and giving. Yes, that makes me want to serve and please Him all the more, especially when i feel like it! But last night i didn't feel like it, and He knew it. When i was asked if there were some problem, response is the only one that a slave can give. i said something like "no problem, for a slave".

And that is my point. Here is what happened....

i haven't served Him in the specific way i did last night in so long that there were some things i didn't think of ahead of time, potential problems that i expressed via email and texts after we got offline. And there was a wait from the time we got offline until we talked on the phone, and that was the hardest time of all, i really wanted to sleeeeeeep!

When i called Him, it wasn't easy for me to do even the pleasurable for me things He allowed. But i did, and i did enjoy them......even begging to cum as i did, for as long as He needed to hear my desperate voice begging for release....NOW i'm all squirmy thinking about it, but last night i just wanted

(Btw, i'm NOT at my best when my bed is calling, could y'all tell?)

Then came the time i knew was coming. There is one specific way that Padrone loves for me to suffer for Him, it is something that we have done often in the past, and which we scene online often, but i have only felt this once in the past 3 months or so because of my shoulder. So i knew that it would be a very, very difficult time for me, mentally....

And i was right. Padrone knew it, and He granted me mercy by not making me beg for something that He knew i didn't really want.....He honored my honesty in that way... because He knew that, had He wanted it, i would have begged anyway....

But i suffered....burning and filled and clamped......vibe buzzing, increasing it all....and i sobbed and pleaded.....until He gained His satisfaction......and then He allowed me release.....from the intense pain, even though there were lingering effects.....and i did have to beg to get off the phone and leave...because after that i was totally exhausted....i mean totally......

And so i was able to do what so many submissives give lip service to. i was able to fully and deeply submit to my Master. And i guess the cliche is true......if it is done when it is easy, it's not real submission. It really IS easy to "submit" to what we want to do anyway, and it is easy to "submit" when we are rewarded for it. But when it becomes a situation that is truly for HIS pleasure alone (yes, i was allowed to cum, and yes it was pleasurable, but it wasnt't what *i* wanted - *i* wanted bed, remember?)....then it usually becomes a problem.

i am so very glad that Padrone chose to use me last night. i am glad that He needed what only i can give Him, and that He allowed me to express pure submission to Him last night. That is exactly what it was. There was no motive of pleasure on my part, even secondary pleasure. i didn't WANT to do the things He needed me to do. But i did, for the sole reason that He needed for me to do them. His pleasure is utmost in my life, far above my own, and i am not talking about the pain of a scene, that usually is pleasurable to slaves in their service.

That, to me, is what submission is. That is my role as slave, and it is my duty to my Padrone. i give Him my all....sometimes i must show it.

Thank You, Padrone, for giving me that show You just how deeply i submit to You. i selfishly wish i could have given more. i selfishly wish i could have done it with an attitude that allowed me to gain deep pleasure from Your use as well. But the point wasn't my pleasure, and i thank You that You did allow me to give even without my selfish interests being met. i am honored, Padrone, that You allowed me to serve You, purely because of my role as Your slave.

i am Yours.

Monday, May 28, 2007


i guess my post about D/s and love got us both thinking, because Padrone and i have had a couple of discussions about that topic since it appeared in my blog. One thing y'all should know is that we seldom discuss things i type here BEFORE it appears online. i don't know why, maybe it's because this IS my blog, and these ARE my thoughts, and maybe i want to keep that perspective as much as Padrone does.

But this time i just can't let go of the idea of needs being met in any relationship, specifically D/s because that is what we live. Last night Padrone and i talked about our relationship BEYOND the D/s, just a little bit. i was surprised by His thoughts, which i won't share completely, but basically what He was saying was that we meet each other's needs for a mate, and D/s is merely a way to express it. i totally agree, but....

Somehow there are unexplored thoughts still. How did we come to BE those people to one another? How did we move from a more....traditional...D/s relationship, into a soulmate kind of relationship? (mushy, yes, oh well.) What made me realize that i am able to be the woman Padrone needs in His life? What made Him understand that He is the man i need in my life? How did the expression of needs move from "Master" and "slave" into "man" and "woman"?

Maybe i can explain a little about my thoughts using a tool that i have used elsewhere for other things:

i am a proponent of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.It is usually presented in a visual in the shape of a pyramid, and his thoughts were that the majority of people were striving to meet the bottom level of the pyramid, and as those needs were met, we move to the next level. i do agree with that idea, although i don't believe it is quite that straightforward for most of us. i know i seem to be chasing a rabbit here, but please bear with me if you will....

From the "bottom" of the pyramid, or the most basic of human needs, here are what Maslow defined as needs in the order in which they "must" be met: (the first two really don't relate to Padrone and me, and so i am merely going to list them without comment, believe it or not)

1. Biological and Physiological needs.

2. Safety needs.

3. Belongingness and Love needs.

Here's where things begin to get a little "tricky" for me, and for others, based on actions i have witnessed. Here is where i would add some sort of ... specific definition, clarification.

Belongingness and love, to me, are....points along the same path, not necesssarily the same points on a larger path. There can be no love without the sense of belonging. There can be a sense of belonging without love, of course, and so i believe that belonging must come first, love is one of those things that grows out of belonging. Actually, i would have labeled this a bit more specifically....i honestly think that the belongingness is more clearly defined as a need to be needed. It is only when one feels that He/she is NEEDED in the life of another, that the sense of belonging can even happen, much less love.

Alright, now i am going to begin to discourse with a bit more detail, and a bit more personally. Padrone and i love one another, and as i said in an earlier post, most of that is because we meet needs for one another. We could not have defined that in the beginning, of course, although it was present from the earliest interactions. Then it was just that we somehow knew that we were right for each other....that we enjoyed something about the other's company and the way we related to one another, so much that we each defied what we truly thought we were in order to have a relationship with one another.

We met needs, we realized that there was a part of us that did belong to the other, and we finally came to accept and cherish that fact. We came to love one another beyond the initial "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feelings we initially had. That is the kind of thing that fades with familiarity. The knowledge that we belong to one another deeply and uniquely won't fade. It is what keeps the "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feeling strong!

i know that may sound strange, but this is a much better, more detailed explanation of what i have said before - the D/s came first, then the love. It is more that we saw how well we met each other's needs, and spent more and more time together because of that, and accepted how deeply we belong to one another as trust grew.....and defined the emotions that naturally began to be felt and noticed and expressed as "love".

Yes, i said it first. What did y'all expect?!?

4. Esteem needs.

When i think of esteem needs, i think of feeling worthy of belonging, and that can only happen if the feelings of worth come from both inside and outside. That is, in my opinion, why it is a very moot point when a submissive says "i am not worthy" and the Dom says "it isn't your opinion that matters". It very much IS her opinion that matters, and it is the Dom's duty to change that opinion of how she perceives the value He places on her. i can be totally bombarded with what Padrone considers proof of how highly He values me, with words or actions, but until *i* change my perception and finally accept His "proof" as what it is, then His esteem of me doesn't affect my self-esteem whatsoever. When in a relationship, one's esteem HAS to be validated by both sources, or there will always be a conflict, and there can never be a satisfying relationship.

Now, i have to say that this is probably the MOST difficult thing i have ever struggled with. i have a "past" as do so many women who identify themselves as submissives, and that "past" wreaked havoc with my self-esteem. It made it hard to trust the acceptance i saw so clearly from Padrone, even after i told Him about my history. When i finally began to accept His high opinion of me, i was able to move to the self-esteem issues that had to be dealt with in order for the relationship to have moved from "blah" to full and rich and satisfying. Padrone calls it my "leap of faith". Maybe it was. All i know is that i knew there was more, and that even though He owned another slave (yes, i did begin to work on my self-esteem while being owned by a Master who owned another slave. THAT was why this is the most difficult thing i have ever struggled with) - even though He did, i needed more from Him. The only way i could GET more was to give more. The only way to give more was to trust that He wanted more from me, and to trust that what i gave was what He wanted. i had to believe that His life was richer for my presence, and then choose to believe that my presence could enrich it even more.

5. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

Believe it or not, i do agree that other needs must be met before this one can be met. Noone who has unresolved needs to belong or with self-esteem, for instance, can ever realize their personal potential. i couldn't even see that i HAD potential for the longest time, much less try to find ways to meet it. Self-fulfillment was for those that deserved it, all i deserved was to be treated as poorly as i always had been (poor me, i know). Personal growth was a joke, i literally used to laugh at it and say "i'm too big already, i don't need to grow any more!". And my peak experience was when i went to the top of Pike's Peak years ago.

But How all that has changed. i still have problems seeing my own potential, but i truly think we all do. And i will always ask Padrone "do You think i can?" regarding any new thought or venture that i might be interested in. i have discovered that self-fulfillment, for me, is nothing more than being true to myself, the self i have discovered and allowed to bloom for Padrone and because of His care and proteciveness. i have grown as a woman......well, even Padrone, months ago, said that He felt that He owned a woman, rather than still owning a girl. It is more than maturing, it is really learning, discovering, who i am and how best to express it, within the safety of belonging to such a man as Padrone. i do believe that it can and should happen outside relationships for those who are unowned, but i also know it is incredibly difficult. As someone told me long ago, and which i never truly did more than give lip service to....our greatest source of validation of our worth, lies inside our own skin.

And peak experiences....

i will NOT disclose them in any detail, but Padrone....You know what i refer to....when You call me by my real name....when it is just You and me....Padrone and schiava....Master and slave....Man and woman....naked, vulnerable emotionally, yet so safe with each other that there is no risk, only deep satisfaction ....deep fulfillment....we have become, in Maslow's words, self-actualized. We are the best we can be, with each other.

And that says it all, Padrone. i am the best woman i know how to be, as Your woman. You are the man for me, the one who can and does meet my needs so well (even of this needy schiava). Because You do....i can meet Yours...

You said that You wanted a woman to make You feel adored, to be so devoted to You, to make You feel....well i won't say what You said, but basically You need to feel like the very best man on the face of the earth. i believe You are, and so i meet those needs naturally, allowing You to move beyond and into the "higher" needs, which we also meet for one another. That is the entire point - the one You said first last night. It is who we are as people that meets the needs of each other, and who we are, what we need, is best expressed through D/s.

i am proud to be Yours, Padrone, and proud of You as well. Thank You, my Love.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

What makes US work

i've heard and read a lot of discussions about whether or not an exclusively long distance relationship can work, specifically a D/s relationship. Now, i know i am biased, but i think my response is yes, of course, just as successfully as a face-to-face relationship can work. Maybe the question isn't "IF" but rather "HOW"....

Well, as everyone who reads this blog, and those who frequent the IRC channel we frequent know, Padrone and i are in a long distance relationship. i have been His for almost 2 years. Yes, it seems impossible to so many, but for us it has never seemed .... strange.

How can this work? i mean, we aren't just long distance, we are on different continents! We come from different cultures, speak different native languages! Talk about obstacles! He is so very male, and i mean that in the best possible way - lol. But whoever wrote that book about Mars and Venus had gender differences pegged!

For us, there have been so many key things that have allowed us to progress and grow to the point that we are now.

1. Communication, communication, communication! Women, this does NOT mean deep discussions about feelings and emotions constantly. Nor does it mean talking about what works for you and what doesn't. Men, that does NOT mean totally ignoring the dreaded "e" word (emotions, for those who can't even THINK it!). Nor does it mean constantly discussion various sex or BDSM issues either.

So what DOES it mean? Basically, it means discussing life, interests, dislikes, laughing, teasing, apologizing, learning who the other person is, outside of the role in the relationship. i mean, no matter HOW submissive i am, if my personality grated on Padrone's nerves, i would not be His....and vice versa. It means scening, talking about what works and what doesn't (although i honestly can only remember a couple of times a scene didn't work, and those were my fault, my expectations weren't met) .... which leads me to the next point....

2. Have realistic expectations. NOBODY can be available 24/7, i don't care if you're talking online or face-to-face relationships. Everyone has a life, and as i said to Padrone the other day, life happens on both sides. Neither party can be constantly at the other's beck and call. i can't realistically expect to call Padrone and have Him drop everything in order to "be there" for me.

Now, if there was a reason for that to happen, like immediately after Katrina, or the night i was so upset after reading the negative things His ex-slave had put in her /whois, then yes....that's different. And of course, as Master, He has more expectations in that than i do. However, if He knows i am out with my kids, and He sent a text telling me to's one of those "sorry but no deal" situations. i can joke about that because i know He would never do that intentionally. If He ever did ask something of me that would put me in danger, either emotionally or physically, then of course He would not have done so intentionally, nor would He expect me to obey. But i would have to have a good reason for it. And THAT is what i mean by realistic expectations.

That isn't just in availability either. i don't expect every conversation to end with "i love you". Now that seems like a small thing to some, and a huge thing to others. But it isn't Padrone's way. Yes, i have learned to change my own expectations, and in doing so, i have learned other things....that i will discuss later. Other realistic expectations are to be conscious of differences in time, routine, sleep needs, work schedules, and who lives in the same house with the other person. So many things that have to just be ACCEPTED. One can't go into any relationship and expect the other person to change His/her entire life to fit into yours. While that may seem quite romantic, and while it might seem somehow to fit into a Dom's right to demand or expect of a sub....or of a sub to think "if He loves me He will...." - what it is is pure hogwash.

3. Wash the hogwash, drop the bs. Be yourself, no matter who you are. State what you can and can't do quite clearly, and never bite off more than you can chew. Never promise what you can't deliver, and never demand what can't be promised. If your partner is married, don't expect them to act single. If you are married, be up front and honest about what you can give, what the other person can expect. Be brutally honest if necessary. Do NOT present yourself as "supersubbie" or "SuperDomlyOne" if that isn't who you are. If you aren't submissive, but merely looking for the power rush of having Doms drool after you, then keep it there. If You aren't Dominant, merely looking for kinky sex, then be satisfied with that. Find out what you want, and never EVER promise more than you can give.

4. Learn what you want. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. When Padrone and i met, i would have sworn that i would NEVER wear a man's collar again. i was looking for escape from myself, from my failures, and the feedback i got as a whore who scened well was balm for my aching heart, or what bit of it i allowed to be seen anyway. Padrone didn't even know He wanted more than He had in His other slave. We began with simply scening, but our craving for some unnamed "MORE" was too great to be ignored. What we wanted was what we have now found in each other, but neither of us would have admitted it then. It took each of us being open for change, for the chance to learn about ourselves and each other in a deeper way, for us to even begin a relationship.

5. Be flexible. The other evening i made a choice that i didn't think Padrone would have a problem with, since i know Him and how He feels about certain things, but it took our time online away from us that evening. He missed me, i missed Him, but it was the right choice for me and my situation. He could have put His foot down and ordered me to not do what i had chosen to do, He could have been demanding and inflexible, and i am sure that, had He really needed to be with me, He might have done it although i can't even imagine it. But He didn't. He was flexible, as i have to be at times, although i try hard to schedule my life around our opportunities to spend time together, whether online or on the phone. It isn't always possible, and if He weren't understanding, it wouldn't be possible for us to have a relationship.

6. Honesty at all costs. A long distance relationship is based, just as strongly as a face-to-face relationship, on trust. Trust can NOT happen without honesty allowing it to be built. There is nothing more to say on this one.

7. Let the other person be who He/she is. Padrone and i had a discussion about this earlier today. If i hadn't been able to learn to look at what He does, and see His expressions of love in His actions, rather than getting upset because He doesn't say the words "i love you" often, then we would have failed long, long ago. He has learned to accept so many things about me as well. Some things i have changed for His pleasure, but some i can't change, and He has been wise enough to see that. Some things HE has changed, although i doubt He would admit it, but some things He adamantly refuses to change, and i would be foolish to get upset about that. i won't forget asking Him once why He started freely giving the reassurance that i would always beg for, when He began with the attitude that He said it once, i shouldn't NEED more than that. He said something to the effect that He realized that i needed it, and that i wouldn't stop needing it, and so He chose to give it to me. Guess what. i don't need it nearly as much now.

Nor will i forget what He said earlier today. He said that when a woman realizes how a man expresses His feelings and "allows" Him the freedom to express them that way, instead of expecting Him to express them in ways that are unnatural to Him....then He will be freed to express Himself more and more. And guess what? i have seen it, felt it, and i know it to be true.

8. Be diligent, yet respectful. For me, that means working hard to keep my errant emotions in check, keeping Padrone alert of problems i am having, to try to avoid more serious issues. BUT, i have a private blog that i use to convey these things. i try hard not to blindside Him with "EMOTIONS" all the time, or "PROBLEMS" when we first see each other. Sometimes i fail in that, but i have improved dramatically in this area, even i admit that!

On His part, this means keeping me on my toes in terms of my obedience, and the more rules He has in place, the more diligence is needed on His part to do so. i used to think, when He questioned if i did that He was questioning my obedience out of distrust. But i know, now, that He is merely doing His job as my Master and making sure i haven't forgotten one of the rules. He never does so in a challenging or demeaning manner....usually it is when the D/s is strongly evident, and His questions serve to send me even more deep into my submissive state.

9. Be open to the D/s interaction, even when not in the "mood". i am slave, just as if i were living in the same house. If i lived with Him and He called me to serve, or to even have a conversation, i would drop everything and go to Him. Why we would expect differently simply because we type rather than speak, or because we speak on the phone rather than face-to-face, i don't know. This one is more to the subs, although i would caution Doms as well - never assume that the role You have chosen to live in can be shed entirely. That may be just the night that Your sub of choice might need to be punished, or have reason to be held in check. It HAS to happen sometimes when we aren't in the mood for it. What would You do, turn the computer off and leave her hanging, to in effect be her own Dom? What does she need YOU for, in that case?

10. Assume the best. THIS is the hardest one for me, or it used to be. i used to be the worst about making the worst possible interpretation about everything that happened. Now i take my initial reaction and flip it, and assume THAT is the case, rather than what my "bad wolf" would have me believe. This comes more naturally to Padrone, i think, but it is a lesson i am trying hard to keep in practice. He DID have His moments, however, when He would assume the worst about me....but that time is long past...thankfully!

For Padrone and me, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, trust, commitment, communication, and more trust. Tonight Padrone proved it once more, the trust and commitment that He has for me. He once more showed His love for me in ways that aren't typical expressions of love for a woman, but which mean an incredible amount to me, because i know how He expresses Himself now. And yes, i value His actions, and His love, highly.

Thank You, Padrone, for the faith, the trust, the love You show me daily. i am honored to be owned by such a man as You.

D/s and love

i've been told that i have a true "slave's heart", and i think i understand what that means. i believe it describes my insatiable desire to please and be found pleasing, to mold myself to Padrone's will and to become the person He would have me to be. i have grown as His slave, as He has allowed me to understand (as He began to be able to express with more detail) the kind of slave His heart has always longed for. i have to agree with that assessment of my personality, actually. i have a true "slave's heart" by that definition.

But i also believe that when we use the term "true Dom" or "real Dom", we refer to someone who has a "Master's heart". This is a bit more difficult for me to discuss, since i don't fully grasp the mentality of a Dom. But what i *think* this would describe, based on what i have experienced and read and learned from discussions with others, is the personality that .... needs to be served, not for the service itself, but for the expression of devotion...of utter and absolute adoration...of unconditional acceptance of Him and His desires...that the service represents.

A Master values the slave's need to please, and a Dom with a "Master's heart" is one that a "true slave" will move heaven and earth to please. She will give all she is, and all she has, in order to serve, to please, to fulfill His smallest desire. She will search her heart and mind for new ways to give herself to Him, for new ways to show her utter devotion. And a "true Dom" will value her, not for the actions that so beautifully show her for what she is, but rather for the person she reveals herself to be through those actions.

i call this love. Of course, my definition of love differs vastly from society's definition of love. Love, to me, isn't based on how good the other person makes us feel. Love is based on how well they meet our needs, even those we don't know we have. For some, the desire to feel special every moment overrides everything else in their life, and when that feeling fades, as it does naturally, so does their "love". For me, love is the knowledge that i would be totally crippled without Padrone in my life, because of the needs He meets for me. And i honestly believe that He feels the same way about me, although He may not have wanted me to state that publicly! That kind of love does not fade easily nor quickly.

Some say love by my definition can't happen between Master and slave. Some say that if a Master falls in love with His slave, He runs the risk of romanticizing the relationship, and no longer treating her as a slave. i say that a deep, abiding, D/s relationship can't happen without love being present. i say that for a "true Master" and a "true slave", even a "vanilla" relationship would not be such....while they may act as equals, they would both know that it is only because He wished for it to be that way, and that any change in His desire or need would change the dynamic of the relationship. She would be serving Him by being His partner, if that is what He needed for her to be.

And yes, that is how the relationship is between Padrone and me. i would literally become whoever He needed for me to become. i would learn to Top another submissive, if He wished it. i would learn to be with a woman, if He wished it. i would serve every Dom who wished to use me, if He wished it. i would be Topped by another slave if He wished it. And i would be His partner in our relationship if He wished it. And the willingness to please Him with all i have, and with all i am, is what He needs from me, no matter the physical or mental things He asks. He may ask things i might feel are impossible for me to perform, and yet i will do them to the best of my ability. He knows this, and since that is the kind of slave He needs, He loves me for it, not in spite of it.

So i know that love HAS to be present in a successful D/s relationship. If it isn't, then relationships are based on actions, and appreciation is expressed based on how well a person performs expected actions rather than who a person is. Everyone will fail to meet His/her partner's expectations at some point in a relationship. Do we "fall out of love" because of disappointments, because someone's actions failed to meet our expectations and desires? Just something to ponder....

i have vowed to be the best slave to my Master that i can be. Padrone, as i have said so very often, You know my heart. You know the depths of my submission, how true a slave i am. And i know Yours. i know what You need to find Your own fulfillment, and i know the depths of Your need to control. i know just how true a Master You are. And just as Your control has freed me to simply be who i am with no hesitation or need to hide any part of myself, so has my deep surrender to Your will, expressing my absolute, unconditional acceptance of every part of You that You have shown to me, freed You to be who You are, with no hesitation or need to hide any part of Yourself.

i am so grateful that we have been allowed, by whatever forces control such things, to have found one another. Thank You, Padrone, for expressing Your "Master's heart", through such deep ownership and control of Your slave. i am Yours....forever.

Friday, May 25, 2007

i am....

i am called by many names. i have real names that i am called, different nicknames by various people as well. i am submissive woman. i have been called bitch, cunt, slut, whore, etc, by many many men.

But who am i really?

i am called schiava by the one who owns me and has the right to name me as He wishes. He calls me titty, troia, vacca, now and then cagna. i am slave, owned, controlled as i never dreamed possible. i am ass-fucking whore, fuckpig, His slut, His bitch in heat, humping whore for my Padrone. i am adoring, worshipping slave, devoted to Him, to His pleasure, to His needs being met, to Him. i am mushy, needy, silly, hormonal, difficult. i am loving and loved, totally surrendered and equally as controlled. i am His fiore, His southern flower, opening...revealing myself only to Him. i am His, in everything i am.

i am still learning who i am. But i have been given freedom to be whoever i find out i am, as i discover more and more about myself. His bonds, the bonds that make rope and leather weak...useless, free me so totally.

Oh Padrone, thank You for giving me the structure, the framework in which to live, so that i may be so totally free to surrender to totally free to be slave, the slave i am. The more deeply You own me, the more freedom i am granted. Thank You, my Owner, for the freedom to be who i am.

Because, to put it simply, i am simply Yours...whatever, whoever You want me to be, because You want me to be myself to the fullest extent that i can. Who i am is who You want for me to be. The perfect circle.

What an amazing Padrone owns me. i love You, my Master, more than these words could ever convey. Thank You for owning me so very beautifully.

Holding Fast

i have done a lot of thinking and typing lately about how lucky i am that Padrone held fast, that He didn't turn away even when it would have been far easier for Him to have done so. i am incredibly lucky that He is the kind of man He is, that His commitment is so deep to the one He knows was born to be His slave, even if she did make a huge mistake recently. Oh how fortunate i am to belong to this man, who never seems to lose sight of who i am, who doesn't let one action override an entire relationship. He judges me based on who He knows i am, and He views my actions as just that, and does so fairly, even if i think He isn't fair at the time.

And i know exactly what that means, y'all. The gratitude that i feel for belonging to such a man as my Padrone is true and deep, and so very strong. i KNOW my fotrune, and i know that if He didn't feel i am worthy, that i am the perfect slave for Him, that He would never have held onto me so hard, so tightly. He would have let me go, let my actions be the end that i dreaded they would be. But i also would never have worn His collar for as long as i have, had He been the kind of man who would do that over even such a huge mistake when i make so few major ones.

And i guess that brings me to the other side of the coin. i seldom recognize any worth in myself, i think partly because i know that who i am has truly been allowed to be shown, because of who i belong to. i know that i am the slave i am today because of the Master who has so patiently and lovingly taught me how to submit more and more fully to Him. He longed for deeper control, and taught me how to accept and respond to it. Well, maybe not respond to it, since i was literally begging for more and more and more But He taught me how to be His slave. He provided safety so that i could be His flower, and open to Him as if to the sun. That was so wonderful after such a difficult time as we had recently.

But y'all know what? *i* held fast too, even when it seemed as if i was pushing Him away. i don't have a great history for sticking around when the going gets tough, because i always expect to be left when i screw up. Yes, i know how wrong that is, and i know that is why i get so upset with every mistake. i know that's why i close myself when i wait for punishment. And this time i closed myself off to a huge degree, the walls were so high i couldn't see any way for them to fall again. And it was mainly because i kept waiting for more.

But even though my instinct was to run, i didn't. i held fast to Him, to us. i didn't feel that i was worthy of His ownership anymore. i didn't feel that i was the slave He deserved anymore. But it wasn't *me* that He was judging, it was my behavior. It took me a very long time to see and accept that. He kept saying it in various ways, but i couldn't hear it.

But finally i began to hear, and to trust that what He said really was true, and that who i had always known Him to be really WASN'T too good to be true. i didn't run. Had i run away, i would never have known that such a man as Padrone truly does exist, and truly does want me, love me, need me. ME. All of me. The bad things will happen, it is part of life. But for the first time, i am loved by someone who truly believes that i am worth sticking around for, even during the hard times, even when those hard times are caused by me.

i did something against my very nature. i did something that i am proud of myself for. i stuck around to see the good things, the things i honestly thought only existed in fairy tales.

i held fast to my Padrone's strength, even after i had delivered a blow to it... and He allowed me to. What a beautiful thing.

i am truly blessed. No....we both are. i am Yours, my Padrone. So Yours.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Vindictiveness and childishness

This is one post that i have to be very careful how i word, since the last thing i want is to make anyone feel singled out or as if i am being vindictive or childish myself. The entire point of this post is a general statement about these two traits, which unfortunately seem to multiply like bacteria in a petri dish, among people who hang out in online chat rooms.

Yes, i've been on the receiving end of someone's childish vindictiveness recently. But what bothers me most about that entire situation isn't that i have been targeted by someone with an agenda, nor even that i only suspect what that agenda might be. What bothers me most is that it isn't an isolated event, and it is taken so seriously, and things i have said or done that were in no way designed to be offensive, became "channel issues". It happens with others as well, i have noticed, even if i have never been involved in any way other than observer, and occasionally i have been asked why someone has a problem with the person asking. i try hard to stay out of channel "politics" and so i rarely know, and wouldn't say even if i did know.

What i have seen is that submissives get "upset" or "offended" by things that are said in channel......or even "see" things and "wonder" about them....and then take them to a Dominant, who only gets part of the story. So, instead of two people who have a problem with each other, working things out amongst themselves (the mature and responsible thing to do, but the thing that brings less attention to the discord), other people become involved, innocent people who truly have no axe to grind either way.

Now why is this dangerous? Well, it is more than Topping from the bottom on the part of submissive who complains, although it is quite obviously that as well. It is also blatant manipulation of Doms, and an obvious attempt to discredit the person with whom they have a problem to others in the channel. THAT is the danger of this kind of thing. What seems to be forgotten, as usually is, is that there are real people behind the nicks in a chat room. When one discredits a nick, one is actually attempting to discredit a person that they probably have never spoken with, don't even know a real name for, and have no idea about the actual person ....... they just don't like what is said or done in a chat room.

So, what is wrong with this? It really IS just a chat room after all, isn't it?

When it becomes personal, then it becomes more than a chat room issue. It is an issue about people. And for someone to use chat room chatter in an attempt to make a person look bad....even to the point of assigning thoughts and feelings to that person that have never been there....then it goes beyond "having a problem" then becomes slander. Vindictive, childish, slander.

Now i feel better, i have vented my thoughts regarding this phenomenon that i have seen far too often. i have talked with Padrone about it until i know He is sick of hearing about And i guess there was still more venting to be done, so i chose this forum in which to do it. i will state, once again, and FOR THE RECORD: This post is not aimed at anyone in particular, nor is it intended in any way to be taken personally by anyone. It is a general rant. If you choose to take it as an attack, then maybe you should think about your reasons for feeling that way....

Padrone, i seldom use this blog for this kind of purpose, but as You have repeatedly said, this is my blog, and i type it for me....and for You (which You never say, but i do). You know my heart, and You know that i have no intention to hurt anyone, to harm anyone. i have even questioned how i worded things here, because the last thing i ever wanted was to hurt someone with my words.

You also know that i am passionate about unfair treatment (except by You of course - hehehe), and that i despise childishness to the point of ignoring those who exhibit it. You KNOW where this post came from, and You also know that i mean absolutely no disrespect nor any "jabs" at anyone with my words here.

And You know what, Padrone? i finally have reached the point of believing what You have said before, even if not in so many words: If anyone has a problem with what i type here, then they have an open invitation to not read anymore of my words. :D

Thank You, Padrone, for helping me to gain a perspective on things that is far more healthy and peaceful than how i have always seen things. i can't promise to keep it, because it is very new, but i do promise to try my hardest to do so.

*kiss for the one who Owns me so deeply and with such deep contentment*